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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Refused to collect DD from party tonight.

430 replies

BlueSkyBurningBright · 12/10/2018 19:32

DD is just 17, we live in London. She is going to a party tonight with school friends, about 1 mile away.

She has asked me to pick her up at 11.30. I said no, I am tired after a week at work, want to have some wine and a relaxing evening. I have offered to pay for an Uber for her. She says she feels unsafe in one and would rather walk. I have suggested that her boyfriend gets the Uber with her, drops her off at home and takes the Uber to his house, all on the family account.

She thinks I am being very unfair and uncaring. Apparently all her friends parents pick them up from parties, so she will ask one of them to bring her home. I feel that I am being manipulated, and previously 11.30 has been extended to midnight and beyond.

AIBU?

OP posts:
ElectricMonkey · 14/10/2018 11:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

busyhonestchildcarer · 14/10/2018 11:06

Its so easy to use the everyone roses parents card.they use this to guilt trip you.she actually has three or four choices.uber on her own,uber with boyfriend,other parents giving her a lift or dont go!!! These are important lessons for her to learn now.she is responsible for herself and needs to rely on you less unless you want to always drop everything for her and want her to be completely dependent on you.

youarenotkiddingme · 14/10/2018 11:08

Of course yanbu.

I lived in a village the opposite direction to my school to the town most kids came from. The college was in the town too.

My dad would pick me up sometimes at 15-17 years old and I was always grateful and would leave early if there was a time condition.
If he couldn't / didn't want to then I'd get myself home or arrange to stay at someone's and get bus/ lift home next morning.

My parents always had the rule if you are old enough to go to an activity alone you could get yourself there alone. They didn't always make us travel independently but we respected the lift was a favour and not a given!

Dungeondragon15 · 14/10/2018 11:10

I can imagine that it is quite safe in some areas of London. It is often (in some areas) very busy at night and I believe that TfL are quite strict about who they give a license to (although I note they aren't too happy with Uber). That doesn't mean that it is safe to walk around in all areas of London and it certainly doesn't mean it is safe to walk around/use taxis in other parts of the UK.

All this stuff about the "mollycoddled" or "snowflake", generation often from people who aren't that much older is ridiculous.
The stuff about previous generations being embarrassed to be picked up when 17 also makes me laugh as ironically that is a sign of being immature rather than mature. I would have loved it if my parents had picked me up and saved me the taxi fare.

PillowOfSociety · 14/10/2018 11:11

Dungeon: no, not necessarily, but the OP lives in London. SW2 is crime central... and still it is safe enough. The OP hasn’t indicated that she sees the walk as especially dangerous. And the OP presumably knows where she lives... that’s the point.

BitchQueen90 · 14/10/2018 11:14

@category12 well, people go to university far from home and go out late when they're 18. Don't really see how me living alone at that age is much different, I was just working FT instead.

Dungeondragon15 · 14/10/2018 11:15

Dungeon: no, not necessarily, but the OP lives in London. SW2 is crime central... and still it is safe enough.

I'm not really referring to OP as presumably she does know her area. It is all the posters talking about "mollycoddled" and "snowflake" generation if people don't want their 17 year olds to walk around at night.
As for SW2, if it is safe to walk around at night then it is certainly safer than many places in the city where I live.

buscaution · 14/10/2018 11:32

The stuff about previous generations being embarrassed to be picked up when 17 also makes me laugh as ironically that is a sign of being immature rather than mature.

This is a very very interesting point.

My DD loves when I pick her up, it saves her money on taxis (which she also uses) and we drop off a few of her mates too. There is nothing embarrassing about getting a lift home from someone. Adults often gets lifts, it should not be a source of embarrassment. If it was I would be very worried about the emotional maturity of my 17 year old.

ElectricMonkey · 14/10/2018 12:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

buscaution · 14/10/2018 12:11

On the contrary, it is embarrassing to be dependent on others and incapable of getting around by yourself at any age.

Accepting a lift home sometimes does not make you dependant in others. Exaggerating much?

None of my friends would have known if I'd asked my mum for a lift, but I would have been embarrassed at being so incompetent, frightened of life or childish that I couldn't manage the journey home by myself.

Getting a lift home doesn't make a person incompetent though! Why do you think it does? Lots of people get a lift home from time to time. I posted earlier about my DD who is 17 picking ME up from my last night out - it's not as big a deal as you seem to think. I have managed my life successfully, I just got a lift home that time Hmm

Mamamanatee · 14/10/2018 12:14

Christ. No uber here. I picked mine up - parents took it in turns. Do you good to stay sober for an evening!

Mamamanatee · 14/10/2018 12:15

I would have been embarrassed at being so incompetent, frightened of life or childish that I couldn't manage the journey home by myself

Do you usually overthink everything this much??

youarenotkiddingme · 14/10/2018 12:22

Totally agree it's not embarrassing to be picked up if you have developed maturity.

I didn't care about my dad coming to get me and didn't care about saying I had to go at 10 instead of 11 because he's picking me up. Neither did my friends.

PillowOfSociety · 14/10/2018 12:25

“As for SW2, if it is safe to walk around at night then it is certainly safer than many places in the city where I live.”

Well it’s all a matter of perception isn’t it? The stats speak for themselves and on the police website that shows crime hotspots Tulse Hill, Brixton, Streatham show up bright red. There are fairly regular murders, stabbing, moped muggings etc. But people who live here routinely walk around late at night with no problem whatsoever, because the chances for one individual to be a victim are miniscule.

buscaution · 14/10/2018 12:27

I conclude from this thread that some people are just not nice. Not giving a teen a lift home? Fair enough! Defensively slating everyone who says they do? An example of not having seven the maturity requires to realise it's ok to be nice.

Just to clarify I mean generally and not in the OP situation when the DD is a mile away, the thread has evolved...

My DD gets a taxi or walks or gets a lift or I collect her. Any of these options are actually ok. She isn't mollycoddled and she hasn't been left to her own devices since she turned the magic 16 either.

Has nobody heard of balance?

Butterymuffin · 14/10/2018 12:32

In the interests of balance, this

Defensively slating everyone who says they do? An example of not having the maturity requires to realise it's ok to be nice

Could equally apply to those guilt tripping anyone who doesn't drop everything and stay up all hours to collect their teens, and deciding they are bad parents whose kids will turn out to be wrong 'uns.

madpotter7257 · 14/10/2018 12:59

I grew up with parents who were unable or unwilling to ever collect me and was always relient on other people. I longed to have someone who worried about how I would get home, and was so envious of my friends when they complained about their overprotective parents. Now I love to be able to help out my teenager daughter when she needs it. It is hard being that age and managing a social life and getting around when you don't always feel safe. It's only for a few years. You might find you miss it when she no longer needs you, and all those ranting about her being too dependent, the time will come when you may be dependent on your children, and could feel vulnerable getting about by yourself. I think if a glass of wine is more important than helping your daughter feel safe once in a while you might want to have a think about that.

Dungeondragon15 · 14/10/2018 13:09

Well it’s all a matter of perception isn’t it? The stats speak for themselves and on the police website that shows crime hotspots Tulse Hill, Brixton, Streatham show up bright red. There are fairly regular murders, stabbing, moped muggings etc. But people who live here routinely walk around late at night with no problem whatsoever, because the chances for one individual to be a victim are miniscule.

The stats don't necessarily speak for themselves because although stabbings and shootings will always be reported I don't think that other crime e.g. muggig necessarily is. Many people have given up asking the police for help in some areas.
If people walk around routinely at night and the chances of attack are genuinely miniscule then you don't live in a high risk area whatever your map of crime statistics tell you. In the city I live in there are areas that taxis won't even pick up or drop off and there are stabbings/shooting every day.

Dungeondragon15 · 14/10/2018 13:10

muggig mugging

buscaution · 14/10/2018 13:15

buttery

It could. However I was posting about balance rather than one point of view being the correct one.

irregularegular · 14/10/2018 13:22

It's just one mile away! Unless you live in a dangerous area, I really don't see a reason to disrupt your evening for the sake of one mile and a 17 Yr old. There are plenty of reasonable options: some kind of taxi (generously paid for, and with bf if she is nervous), or take a change of shoes/cost and walk for 20 mins (with bf or other friend who could then stay night at yours). Or at that age I would have cycled home from most places. Change of clothes. 10 mins max! Again with a friend of need be.

It's likely she'll be off at university this time next year. No lift from mum then.

Under normal circumstances, in most of the country, the risks are minuscule. If anything they would be higher for a 25 Yr old male. Would you pick him up.

I often walk home at that time in the evening. Empower your daughter.

PhilomenaButterfly · 14/10/2018 15:07

This is winding me up.

IT'S NOTHING TO DO WITH STAYING SOBER, SHE WANTED TO GO TO BLOODY BED!!!!!

ChanklyBore · 14/10/2018 15:22

If I was going to a night out at 17 was entirely normal for me walk five miles home from nightclubs in the city at 3-4am, because I didn’t have the money for taxis and the alternative would have been not going out. Sometimes I’d walk with friends, sometimes alone if friends had hooked up and gone home with people they met in the club. I worked behind the bar in pubs and clubs from the day I turned 18 and would walk over a mile home every single night after work.

I don’t understand the angst over one short journey.

Dungeondragon15 · 14/10/2018 15:34

ChanklyBore It may have been "entirely normal" for you to walk five miles in the city or three or four in the morning but that doesn't mean that it was safe or that most people did it then (I don't know how old you are) or now. I never did that over 35 years ago and considering that one person I know who did (age 17) got murdered, I think that was sensible.

Butterymuffin · 14/10/2018 16:03

buscaution Me too.