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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Refused to collect DD from party tonight.

430 replies

BlueSkyBurningBright · 12/10/2018 19:32

DD is just 17, we live in London. She is going to a party tonight with school friends, about 1 mile away.

She has asked me to pick her up at 11.30. I said no, I am tired after a week at work, want to have some wine and a relaxing evening. I have offered to pay for an Uber for her. She says she feels unsafe in one and would rather walk. I have suggested that her boyfriend gets the Uber with her, drops her off at home and takes the Uber to his house, all on the family account.

She thinks I am being very unfair and uncaring. Apparently all her friends parents pick them up from parties, so she will ask one of them to bring her home. I feel that I am being manipulated, and previously 11.30 has been extended to midnight and beyond.

AIBU?

OP posts:
DonDrapersOldFashioned · 13/10/2018 18:13

Oh get away with your pampered snowflake nonsense, my older children managed to go to university and move out in their early twenties.

EthelHornsby · 13/10/2018 18:13

Ineedtocalm you should be ashamed of yourself

Ginger1982 · 13/10/2018 18:20

My mum used to go to bed, set her alarm and come and pick me up at 3.30am!

HarrySnotter · 13/10/2018 18:23

I'd pick her up. I don't mind doing my DC's a favour, they help around the house and are no bother.

dragonara53 · 13/10/2018 18:24

My mam n dad never picked me up from anywhere. They didn't drive, I either walked or caught a bus. Yes I have had teenagers they're all over 20 now and I never picked them up. They either walked, got a taxi or caught a bus.

lexi727 · 13/10/2018 18:24

Not being unreasonable if you have offered to pay for the taxi!

acegod · 13/10/2018 18:26

you might as well get rid of your daughter if can look after her. putting your luxuary life before safe gaurding your daughter is disgraceful. RIP

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 13/10/2018 18:30

Oh what OTT nonsense, @acegod.

PillowOfSociety · 13/10/2018 18:31

The party was a mile away.
That’s a 15min walk!

I give my Dc quick lifts here and there, but at the end of a very long hard working week I have just as much right to a relaxing night in, glass of wine and an early night as my teens do to a night out....,and whatever they drink ‘

Why on earth shouldn’t the OP have a glass of wine? In order to facilitate her teen going to a party, no doubt having her own glass of something, and refusing any number of feasible ways to get home?

If I lived in an isolated, spread out rural area devoid of public transport and pavements, I would consider ‘taxi for teens ‘ part of my JD. Thankfully I don’t, and neither does the OP.

pollymere · 13/10/2018 18:38

If you live in London, why can't she get a nightbus or tube? I wouldn't use Uber personally, I'd use a cab firm I trust with a safety word so she doesn't get in the wrong cab.

daisypond · 13/10/2018 18:49

Mine would get the bus without a second thought - we live in London, and we don't have a car, so no option for picking her up. 11:30 isn't particularly late, and there'll be lots of people around.

LoniceraJaponica · 13/10/2018 18:53

"If I lived in an isolated, spread out rural area devoid of public transport and pavements, I would consider ‘taxi for teens ‘ part of my JD."

That is exactly our situation. Luckily, quite a few of the parties DD went to were sleepovers. I did tell her a number of times that I would be having a glass of wine and wouldn't be picking her up until the following morning. It only went very wrong once, and I had to get a taxi to pick her up. I couldn't just send a taxi because her friend lived in the arse end of nowhere with no mobile signal so I had to get into the taxi to show the driver where it was.

A party a mile away is easily walkable, especially if the boyfriend is in tow.

Dungeondragon15 · 13/10/2018 19:02

I wouldn't want my DD to get a taxi or uber by herself. We always pick her up. If we really couldn't give a lift we would suggest that she comes back with a couple of friends. Often she stays over though.

southnownorth · 13/10/2018 19:02

you might as well get rid of your daughter if can look after her. putting your luxuary life before safe gaurding your daughter is disgraceful. RIP

Grin

There are some ridiculous responses on this post.

Everyoneiswingingit · 13/10/2018 19:05

What????

Dungeondragon15 · 13/10/2018 19:05

I’m 26 and still feel unsafe in a taxi.

So do I and I'm in my 50s. I did feel quite safe as an 17 year old (my parents expected me to get a taxi) but a couple of experiences have made me feel differently about it.

Elephant14 · 13/10/2018 19:06

Electric!! How ya doin? I'm back. I drove my snowflake 125 miles each way today for a uni open day. Some 10 year olds would walk that on their on in the dark. Since they were 6. Carrying coal. It never does them any harm and makes them independent.

Anyway when we got there today I asked where we should go and staff kept asking me if I wanted to sit outside or go and get a coffee, and I kept saying no, I want to be with my daughter and they said oh really only we've had a lot of parents in today dropping off their teens and wanting to know where the nearest pub is. I thought of you Bluesky!

So tomorrow, my snowflake has to go to work on a farm for 9 hours. She'll get a lift there and back as there is no public transport and its over a mile with no pavement part of the way. Kids today eh? Don't know they're born.

Elephant14 · 13/10/2018 19:07

BTW I thought we agreed last night that people aren't allowed to feel unsafe in a taxi?

corythatwas · 13/10/2018 19:20

I can't drive (visual impairment) so clearly didn't deserve to have a teenager at all. She however managed to get through her teens by making practical arrangements, involving trusted taxi company and friends (didn't have a boyfriend at that age).

Dh does drive, but during that period he had a 6hr commute to work and was far too tired at the end of the day to stay up late and drive safely. Everybody seems to assume that being driven by a parent is a totally safe activity that can't possibly go wrong regardless of the state of the parent. Stats don't seem to bear this out. Quite a few children and teens are killed in their parents' car.

booellesmum · 13/10/2018 19:29

I have a 17 year old DD.
I would pick her up.
I regularly do a half hour train journey to Birmingham to meet her after concerts (She goes on her own) so she doesn't have to walk through Birmingham and get a train back on her own.
Better safe than sorry.

ladybee28 · 13/10/2018 19:31

I heard a really interesting Radio 4 programme a few weeks ago about ethics and morality in different generations, and there was a guy talking about how the generation currently approaching the age of 18 (known as iGen) are:

"the most physically safe, and the most emotionally fragile"

of all the generations thus far.

Think this thread reflects that idea ( and this book ) perfectly.

Seems utterly nuts to me that someone who's old enough to have sex, get married and drive can't manage to travel one mile without supervision.

Good on you, OP – teaching your daughter some resilience and problem-solving skills, the ability to stand on her own two feet like a woman, and showing her that part of being a grown woman is saying 'no' to ridiculous requests, and putting yourself first once or twice every 17 years.

jessebuni · 13/10/2018 19:34

When I was a teenager my mum had what she called a “taxi pass” basically it meant once a month she would play late night taxi home from a party or night out with friends. Any extra nights on top of that and she would not play taxi for I had to arrange to either get a friends parent or taxi etc myself. Obviously she always made it clear that if I was absolutely stuck in an emergency or ended up in hospital etc. she would always come and get me even if she had to get a taxi because she had been drinking. But not to abuse that or I wouldn’t be going out at all. It worked well.

Dungeondragon15 · 13/10/2018 19:40

Dh does drive, but during that period he had a 6hr commute to work and was far too tired at the end of the day to stay up late and drive safely. Everybody seems to assume that being driven by a parent is a totally safe activity that can't possibly go wrong regardless of the state of the parent.

What makes you think that the taxi driver hasn't been driving for hours and isn't too tired to drive safely. There's nothing to prevent them from working a 24 hour shift.

Dungeondragon15 · 13/10/2018 19:42

"the most physically safe, and the most emotionally fragile"

Tell the huge numbers of teenagers that have been stabbed recently or involved in road accidents that they are the most "physically safe"

corythatwas · 13/10/2018 19:46

Of course it was possible that the taxi driver had been working an exhaustingly long shift, Dungeon. But I knew dh had been working an exhaustingly long shift. And there was at least a chance that the taxi driver hadn't.

And I have absolutely no reason to believe (from observation, as a frequent user of our local taxi firm) that dh is a better driver than their average taxi driver.