DD used the phrase "KYS" and has been suspended for 3 days?!

[olayjer]

DD is 13 and said sent the phrase "KYS" to a boy in her year after he sent her an email saying "type X into the school internet" (the X is the name of a porn star that wouldn't seem like a porn star name if you see what I mean). She replied "KYS" back on the same email. The school have said the boy will be punished for the initial email but he clearly hasn't been punished as much as DD has. 3 days exclusion!?

That post was to Verbeena ^^

You Won’t have been party to all the discussions that went on at school, so it’s really hard to know why or how someone else is being punished and to be honest it’s none of your business what punishment he gets

@MarshaBradyo I'm not sure how you can deny that there are shades of grey in human interactions and communication...? In many cases it would be great if there weren't! It would probably make life a hell of a lot easier if we all totally understood each other. But there just... are.

Actually, if he did Jill himself on what DD said. I'd actually think a small part was her fault. However, as everyone has said KYS is now used like fuck yourself and I don't believe an other wise emotionally stable human is going to take those words literally.

If BrownPaperTeddy genuinely is a school governor - it is truly dreadful. Their attempt to victim blame a 13 year old is appalling.

It goes a long way to explain the epidemic of sexual harassment and bullying and victimisation in schools.

When the principal tried to punish me for pushing him, my mother told him that the boy had deserved it, and took me off on holiday early.

Sounds like another vote for the Teacups at Alton Towers, OP. 👍

The punishment I've given her at home is no games for a week. As much as I'm not blaming the game, I just think clearly it does make her use the words she's sees on there when maybe she shouldn't. She knows the word would be absolutely awful if she was just saying it to people but she still now things telling someone to go and fuck themself is a million times worse...... I haven't shouted at her or anything as actually like some posters said, I don't want her to think I'm going to be angry at her sticking up for herself and I've actually told her I'm proud she did. But we have just spoken about more appropriate ways, due to "KYS" being so serious and why it is.

If they insist on this absurd punishment, can you do something nice with her during the suspension period? I tongue-in-cheek suggested Alton Towers (and letting the school know)

I'm so glad I'm not a teacher if this is the kind of shit they have to put up with.
Pupil tells another pupil to go kill themselves, school rightly punishes them.
Parent rings up "I don't agree! Little Jemima/Jeremy has done nothing wrong, how dare you punish them, I'm letting them know I don't agree with them being punished by taking them for a nice day out to Alton Towers!"

FFS.

If her friend told her to jump off a cliff would she do it?

Except Sar we all agree that in schools there’s no shades of grey for the n or r word They are unacceptable

Yes language and meaning is complex which is why clear lines for certain terms to change behaviour

And given the teen mh crisis I’d now include KYS

what else is she seeing or hearing

She may be seeing the pornography sent to her by boys who should be suspended!

Pupil tells another pupil to go kill themselves, school rightly punishes them.

13 year old pupil tells another pupil to KYS in response to other pupil trying to incite them to look at pornographic material.

Victim is punished more harshly for for their response than the aggressor is for starting to it.

Damn right, we'd be doing something nice during her ludicrous suspension.

olayjer

If he had killed himself that would be tragedy all around - for him, his family and for your daughter. Imagine her living with that guilt. She needs to understand the implications of saying that.

I don't get why you are minimising it by saying it's common to say it etc. This suggests that you know your DD says it and not just in response to a situation like this.

Who else does she say it to?

And neither you nor your daughter know the emotional state of the recipient of such a comment.

Whilst I disagree with what she said and think she deserves a punishment the level of punishment that she has received suggests that there is more to this than her saying KYS. Or that the school thinks there is more to it.

Are they also punishing her for googling the name?

There is definitely more going on and you need to find out what.

Actually, if he did Jill himself on what DD said. I'd actually think a small part was her fault.
Glad you can now see that a little bit, OP. Which is why she needs to know it's not an OK thing to do.

However, as everyone has said KYS is now used like fuck yourself and I don't believe an other wise emotionally stable human is going to take those words literally.
But that's just it - normalising kill yourself and throwing it around casually shouldn't be a thing, it can damage.

@Blackoutblinds I've already addressed that please look at my post.
Quick answer.
No, but if her friend asked her to check out a certain movie, she would. Jumping off a cliff = she knows the outcome. Watching the movie they suggest = she doesn't. She didn't know what the google search would bring up and based on the name, assumed it was a funny meme.

Why are you so keen to blame her for looking it up? She was tricked into seeing pqrnograpraphy at barely 13 ffs.

@VerbeenaBeeks yes I do agree with your post you just wrote. I don't want her to normalise it, hence I've spoken to her about appropriate responses, but I definitely don't want her to be put off sticking up for herself.

And neither you nor your daughter know the emotional state of the recipient of such a comment.

Neither you nor the boy knew the emotional state of DD before or after receiving the email.

Damn right, we'd be doing something nice during her ludicrous suspension

Then you as the parent will be in trouble too.

How does that help?

Follow the correct channels. Find out the behaviour policy. Talk to the school and get the facts. Then respond.

For starters no one knows that the girl is being punished more harshly because no one knows what has happened to the boy.

For all you know he might not have a fixed term exclusion. He might have been permanently excluded. He might be subject to a managed move. We don't know.

She didn’t have to look. No one made her. She made a poor choice and is being punished as per school discipline rules.

If you don’t like it, go and see the school about it.

Are they also punishing her for googling the name? There is definitely more going on and you need to find out what.

That's a point, not only did she say kill yourself she also more than likely getting into trouble for googling porn in the first place.
Not just the one wrong action.
Two big things right there and that's just what we know about.

Olayjer that’s good re not normalising it

Then you as the parent will be in trouble too.

In what way?

I really wouldn't punish her at home at all OP. She's been punished. She's been excluded from school for three days, which is too harsh anyway. She shouldn't be punished again.

Then you as the parent will be in trouble too.

How so? She’s been suspended. Not up to the school to tell me what to do with her during that period.

I’m sure I’d be able to squeeze a bit of Germaine Greet into her bedtime reading though... (joke!)

I'm not minimising it. She isn't on her games all week and I've had a good talk with her about appropriate language. Look, so I think 3 days out of education is extreme? Yes. Do I think a punishment is uncalled for? No.. but I really think the should have been the same. And people can keep telling me oh but you don't know his punishment. No I don't. But I know he was taken out of school like my daughter was. She also could have been placed in isolation if that's what the boy's punishment was.

No she was not also punished for googling the name. The school are not that ridiculous. There really isn't more to it? She was excluded for the use of "KYS" just like it basic practise to exclude for a day if certain racist words are used.

I have her exclusion papers here, clearly saying why she was excluded and that's the info that is on her file so there clearly isn't "secretly" more to it either.