To change my baby's name... feeling guilt and sadness

[tiffysaccount]

Hello mums

Well long story short we named our baby girl Abigail and registered her and I dislike the name or so I thought. I'd like some help processing these emotions and to try to figure out what's best for us.

I hate it when people call her Abi/Abby and it seems like that is what they constantly do. Plus I knew an Abi who was a complete bitch at school and I don't know why I didn't think of the association beforehand. Stupid. We've told people we are going to call her Abigail no nicknames and they don't seem to respect it. Feels like fingernails on a chalkboard whenever I hear Abigail or Abi. Just seems off to me.

I wanted to name her something else, I don't want to post for privacy purposes sorry but it's also a classic normal name.

I don't know why on earth I didn't name her that, DH loved the name and is now OK with me changing it to that, I have his full blessing.

She is 15 weeks now, if you would have asked me to change it 6 weeks ago i would have done the paperwork immediately but now I am not sure. This absolutely breaks my heart and I'm so confused.

I was going back in her baby book the other day and saw a hospital birth record with Abigail on it and her little feet stamped on it and I just burst into tears at the thought of changing it. I feel that if I changed the name I would be changing her. It's almost like, I hate the name but now it's hers and I can't take it from her. It's the strangest emotion, hating the name but almost loving it because it's hers.

Then I think back to the hospital and my husband filling out the birth certificate and holding her in his arms. The name means "father's joy" as well.

I'm so bloody confused about this whole thing that I'm in tears about it every day. I like the other name so much more and I don't know if I can see her being Abigail or Abi the rest of her life. I think about changing it but I get such a deep feeling of heartbreak and guilt over it and I feel that if I did change it these feelings would linger forever on.

How unreasonable am I being here. From this mess I've typed out, do you think I'm best off keeping the name or changing it? I can't tell if it's mum guilt talking or my emotions or what and it's exhausting.

Charlotte Abigail is a beautiful name. It's pretty clear that you really want to change it and I think you're right to do so since Charlotte was the name you really wanted.

You're right, in the US they do pressure you to come up with a name right away. In fact, in many states they require it before you leave the hospital because of 'enumeration at birth' (assigning a Social Security number to newborns).

If you're still in the US just google your state name and 'amending a birth certificate' and it will give you the procedure.

Those saying it will be shortened, it is not a given. I have a name that is frequently shortened and I hate the shortened version, so did my parents and I am not known by it.

You have to be strong willed and correct everyone who uses the shortened version. Once she is older, the tactic I used was to ignore people who shortened it until they used my full name - very effective! My nephew also has a normally shortened name, and was known as the full version until he opted for the short one as it was quicker to write!

If when your daughter gets older she wants it shortened thats a different matter, thats her choice but till then its yours.

I hate the assumption that shortened versions are automatic, I am teacher and refuse to shorten students names unless they tell me to.

"You have to be strong willed and correct everyone who uses the shortened version"
That must be fun.

Gosh you’re over thinking it. You chose Abigail, you didn’t like it/it doesn’t suit her (whatever the reason!) so you’re changing it to Charlotte. No big deal,she’ll have no memory of it. You can all have a chuckle about it when she’s older. Just change it. Keep Abigail as her middle name. Job done. Move on,be happy,enjoy your beautiful daughter.

And it’s things like this, little funny anecdotes that pass through the generations. All the silly mistakes we make as parents, you’ll laugh when she’s older.

BertrandRussell No its not much fun, but being called by a name you hate is not much fun either, as far as I am concerned no one has the right to change your name to something you do not like.

When I wasn't quite so belligerent about it I spent about 2 years being known as the shortened version and it really does put my back up I hate it so much.

Ladies how do I thank you? I've had so many good responses here that I don't even know what to say.

I don't even know what I'm looking for either. Perhaps someone to take me by the hand and tell me it will be alright! Maybe someone to tell me I'm a good mum, or perhaps someone to tell me I won't be tortured by the outcome of this 10 years from now.

Had such a hard time as a new mum, not having family support really, being in a strange place physically and emotionally. I've been beating myself up about this, feeling like I'm stripping away my daughter's identity and replacing it with a new one. Almost like I'll have a new baby if that makes sense?

Been talking to DH begging for an answer or a sign to go either way, he says he's numb to the whole thing which has made me feel horrid. He says he truly doesn't mind.

Oh, how to get over these feelings of guilt. I think I really do need to see a therapist about it then move on with the answer as like several of you said I am making this into something WAY bigger than it needs to be and I just can't help my emotions, feeling like I've let DH and DD down. x

OP, you've not let anyone down. In a year you'll not even think about it because she will be whatever you call her. Try your new name for a month or so. See how you feel and decide then. Babies don't start responding to their names till well into the second six months so she'll be none the wiser, but you might be more comfortable.

I have an Eleanor that kept getting shortened to Ellie by a few people - we always remained calling her Eleanor and didn't rise to what anyone else said. When Eleanor was 3 she started correcting people herself if they called her Ellie- she used to say "it's not Ellie it's Eleanor!" Since then we don't hear Ellie anymore.

How about Bibi? Or Avi (since Avigail is the Hebrew form of the name)?

My hunch is, she's Abigail and you will grow to love this name because Abigail will be your most precious, favourite person in the world.
I think your reaction to changing her name says it all. It's almost causing you a micro-bereavement. I really wouldn't change her name. You will really grow to appreciate and love her name. Don't think of any other Abigails but your own.

And there are so many other names you can call her other than Abi/Abby. Bibi, as I mentioned. Gigi was mentioned above. The meaning of the name is so beautiful. The name itself is beautiful.

Look, if your husband truly doesn't mind either way, and you do, just crack on and do it. You have his backing and that's really all that matters. The family will get their heads round it. Your daughter is too young to know any different. Like others have said in years to come you'll laugh about it, it will seem like a tiny blip. Stop overthinking and start calling her Charlotte - you'll know really soon whether it feels better or not.

We're all holding your hand and telling you you're a great mum, but this is obviously a sticking point you need to unstick!!

May I suggest that you buy a Magic 8 ball and ask that? :) Actually they really are quite useful, as when you read the answer, if it isn't the one you were subconsciously hoping for then you feel disappointed, so you know what you really want. Try flipping a coin - heads change, tails keep the name. Then see how happy/disappointed you feel. That can be the sign.

Your husband sounds like a nice guy, but even the lovely ones are going to get a bit bored of discussing the same subject day after day

I had my babies abroad too, and like I said, the first birth left me a wreck, not just because it was a Caesarian but because I was just overwhelmed by EVERYTHING. People giving me all this advice I couldn't take in, as it was all unfamiliar (being foreign and all), I couldn't tell if it was good or bad, or what I was meant to do. Like you say, no family or network nearby for support. I couldn't get the baby to feed, got mastitis, basically all was shit.

Second birth, two years later, I was in a room with two other women with their first babies. I was the super expert mum! One was in a total state, couldn't get the baby to feed, etc. Poor woman kept getting visitors so she couldn't just play around and experiment with the baby. When the room emptied I just told her that it didn't matter if she breastfed or not, and she was doing just fine. I think it was the first time she'd heard anyone suggest that she didn't have to do it all perfectly.

You don't have to do it all perfectly. It is fine not to have a bloody clue what you are doing, to sit there all day in your pajamas with the baby, watching TV and eating chocolate. It is normal when you have just have a baby to be in a total state, get everything muddled up and feel like a clueless idiot.

Give your mum a ring, buy huge reserves of chocolate, ready meals, a gripping book and a box set of treat-yourself TV from the UK. Spend the entire day on the settee. Wrap yourself in cotton wool. It's hard work having a baby abroad, molly-coddle yourself a bit.

I mean that literally. Make those purchases.

And read through all the examples of people saying they did exactly what you want to do, without even thinking twice about it. I don't even know if my mum bothered to mention it to my sister: she was a tiny baby so obviously has no memory at all of being called anything different.

Get another footprint done with her new name, hang them both on the wall and see which one you like best

Please OP, you really aren’t letting anyone down. I’m always quick on the mark to call someone irresponsible or selfish or whatever. You know that this is not the place for sycophants telling you you’re brilliant if they don’t believe it. Everyone telling you it's fine, really means it, i dare say including your husband. I know my husband wouldn’t mind either way, he’d probably have the same response I think. You’re worried about making a horrible mistake or being a bad mum, honestly I cannot see this is the case here. You’re doing nothing wrong at all! You’ve totally lost perspective, and for that alone I think you should ask your GP to refer you to speak to someone. Or if you can’t face that, at least keep talking on here and try and rebalance your perspective a bit. There’s no shame in struggling with being a new parent, I think it’s something that nobody really warns us about, but you have a baby and feel like your emotions have been tipped upside down and been out back in the wrong order. It’s hard, and makes you question yourself more than any other period of your life. This (name problem) is not something that can or should be used to measure your parenting skills. I said probably a few pages back that my son had a different name on his BC to the one he uses, and so does his dad actually. I have a few friends with the same situation. It makes no difference to anyone, anywhere, at all. My kids were all called “the baby” for the first few months. To some people that might seem odd, to us it was totally normal. Again, perspective. It’s all about the way you’ve put value on something. How important something is, that isn’t an issue for others. If you can look at the issue from arms length and can realise that it’s not worth the heartache you’re giving it, then you need to surround yourself with different perspectives. Some cultures, especially ones with high infant mortality rates, don’t name their children for months. Some areas of my husband’s culture, name their babies after inanimate objects for the first few months, even up to a year or more old, because they are trying to confuse “evil spirits” into leaving their precious babies alone. I’m not suggesting you belive any of that stuff, I just mean that to those people a name change does nothing to take away a person’s identity. Not at all. It’s all a mindset, and yours is currently wrapped around something that really doesn’t make a person who they are. Names to me are something that has to sound nice to my ear. If your child’s name doesn’t sing to you or make you feel good, you ought to change it now and think nothing more of it. It really is just a name. Pre-1990s France, you had a list of names you could choose from and that was that, there are all sorts of ways of giving and using names. Try to look into naming in other cultures, to understand it from another mindset.

Sorry if this has been said already, but what about Gail as a nickname? Would that be better? And get those who insist on nicknames to call her that instead? Or does she have a middle name you could refer to her as? I know lots of people who go by middle names and only use their first names for formal purposes.

I don’t understand what on earth you’re feeling guilty about. How can there be anything other than a positive outcome?

Sorry to sound harsh but you really need to get this in perspective and get a grip. Your DH is ‘numb’ to it because he’s seeing it as it is-a name change which will have zero impact on anybody. The only difference will be that you’ll love your DD’s name.

Enough now. You sound like you’ve tourtured yourself over this unnecessarily. Be kind to yourself.

This is no reflection on you as a mum. It’s no reflection on anything. Dear god,the horrors that some poor children go through in life. This is utterly insignificant.

Change the name,just crack on and do it. Send a mass texts telling everyone you and DH decided it didn’t suit Dd and you didn’t like the shortening. She’s a Charlotte to you. Then move on,enjoy your life, your lovely little girl.

It’s just a name.

Oh love, you aren't 'stripping' her of anything! Her identity will be formed by her as she grows older. Certainly I'm nothing like my mother would have first imagined me to be as a newborn. I doubt very many of us are! We become 'ourselves' in our own time.

Her name is not 'who she is', it's simply 'what you call her'.

I'm with ree 500 years ago when my DC were born no one came round in hospital - you had to go to a registrar to formalise their names. All the hospital would do would sign the baby on as baby crosstalk on their cards. And I didn't change my surname so it was always baby crosstalk until registration. I think you've got plenty of time to calm down, go for the name you like - as many as possible so s/he can choose which one suits when you do the formal registration. Meanwhile enjoy your baby.

@ravenmum Been sitting here with a nice cuppa and a blanket on watching the snowfall, great suggestion. Wish I could buy all of you ladies a coffee for your help and conversation, each reply has been heartwarming.

Been thinking of calling her Gail or BiBi or GiGi and while those are all adorable suggestions something inside says it's not right.

Forgot if I had mentioned this, we actually coin tossed in the hospital and I was hoping for Charlotte and it won. Still went with the other name in the overwhelm of the moment. Agh!! Really wish the US didn't do things that way, with coming round with the certificate to exhausted and emotional new mums. If I'd have had 6 weeks to spend with her and calm down from the birth and just get my head straightened out a bit I dare say this may not have happened.

You know- at this point I'm convinced I could keep Abigail and be happy in time if I'd just shut up and commit. It's likely she'll be my only LO so I am feeling pressure to make sure everything is right, probably adds to the agonising. If we had planned on more DCs I think I'd have been more relaxed at the chance to really get it right the second time.

Might sound a bit juvenile, but I've been sitting on the settee looking outside this afternoon imagining if this story is a fairytale I read her in a few years. Would make for a sweet story knowing the princess came home with a name that didn't fit... her mum went round and round wondering what she should be called... then looked back and went with her old favourite that felt right in mum's heart when she was pregnant with her.

I've set myself a deadline of Nov 1... happens to be my 30th birthday. Bit of symbolism there with not looking back and going forward into the new decade.

Thanks ladies, I know deep down I've nothing to be guilty about. It's just that I have overthought this to the point where nothing feels right anymore and I've played it up in my head.

I never did love Abigail to begin with. It was a total compromise name

for me now you've said that I think you should change it. If this really is the case then on balance you will regret NOT changing it more than changing it. But do get your GP to refer you for some counselling or something, I also am crap at decision making and in times of high stress it can make me feel really anxious and unwell.

Once you've made the decision, write down one good reason for it. Read it. Feel confident in it. Then try not to go over and over it in your mind. The decision has been made! I bet you'll start feeling better.

feeling like I've let DH and DD down

I am feeling pressure to make sure everything is right

this pretty much sums up my PND both times. I got obsessive but over different things each time. It's actually reassuring to hear that it's not just me. I am recovering now, DD2 is 12 months, I am on meds and have had CBT, both worked really well. I won't be coming off the meds for a while. I acually cried on the phone to the mental health assessor because even the fact that I was having to talk to her meant that things weren't perfect for DD, every minor thought and acknowledgement that I was finding things tough felt like I was letting her down.

Now I just feel proud that I sought help, that I took the help and mostly that I have such wonderful DCs. All the things that seemed to matter so much in those early days fade in my memory and it will for you too OP.

either name choice will be fine, even if you use one as a middle but call her that it will be fine but if your gut says Charlotte go with that.

"Been sitting here with a nice cuppa and a blanket on watching the snowfall..."

Is it snowing somewhere??

"Thanks ladies, I know deep down I've nothing to be guilty about. It's just that I have overthought this to the point where nothing feels right anymore and I've played it up in my head."

You have nothing to be guilty about
You have nothing to be guilty about
You have nothing to be guilty about

You have nothing to be guilty about

You have nothing to be guilty about

Please talk to someone about possible PND and please change the name to one you want. Xx

I think it’s a lovely name. DSS has a name that is very commonly shortened but he is always known by the full version and it suits him far better. It’s up to you as the parent to guide it

Nothing to feel guilty about.

You say you are sitting there imagining telling her a fairytale about the princess - I think that is an amazing way to look at it.

I get where you are coming from with the meaning and not wanting to take that away. When I got pregnant for the 4th time - total shock, I was on the pill! - I laughed and laughed and decided that if I had a boy it would be Isaac because it means "God has made me laugh".

Unfortunately the rest of the family hated it. And then my husband came up with a combination of names that included Isaac, fitted all my criteria and had lovely meanings so Isaac is still very much a part of his name although he has never been called it.

If you call her Charlotte Abigail you will always have that record that she is her father's joy. What little girl wouldn't love the story you told us - to be the princess who has brought so much happiness.

Your situation has really touched me and I feel quite emotional for you. You know what you want to do, your husband is supportive, it will make no difference to your daughter. Give yourself permission to do what will make you happy.