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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To change my baby's name... feeling guilt and sadness

286 replies

tiffysaccount · 12/10/2018 15:23

Hello mums

Well long story short we named our baby girl Abigail and registered her and I dislike the name or so I thought. I'd like some help processing these emotions and to try to figure out what's best for us.

I hate it when people call her Abi/Abby and it seems like that is what they constantly do. Plus I knew an Abi who was a complete bitch at school and I don't know why I didn't think of the association beforehand. Stupid. We've told people we are going to call her Abigail no nicknames and they don't seem to respect it. Feels like fingernails on a chalkboard whenever I hear Abigail or Abi. Just seems off to me.

I wanted to name her something else, I don't want to post for privacy purposes sorry but it's also a classic normal name.

I don't know why on earth I didn't name her that, DH loved the name and is now OK with me changing it to that, I have his full blessing.

She is 15 weeks now, if you would have asked me to change it 6 weeks ago i would have done the paperwork immediately but now I am not sure. This absolutely breaks my heart and I'm so confused.

I was going back in her baby book the other day and saw a hospital birth record with Abigail on it and her little feet stamped on it and I just burst into tears at the thought of changing it. I feel that if I changed the name I would be changing her. It's almost like, I hate the name but now it's hers and I can't take it from her. It's the strangest emotion, hating the name but almost loving it because it's hers.

Then I think back to the hospital and my husband filling out the birth certificate and holding her in his arms. The name means "father's joy" as well.

I'm so bloody confused about this whole thing that I'm in tears about it every day. I like the other name so much more and I don't know if I can see her being Abigail or Abi the rest of her life. I think about changing it but I get such a deep feeling of heartbreak and guilt over it and I feel that if I did change it these feelings would linger forever on.

How unreasonable am I being here. From this mess I've typed out, do you think I'm best off keeping the name or changing it? I can't tell if it's mum guilt talking or my emotions or what and it's exhausting.

OP posts:
poglets · 13/10/2018 19:12

Just change her name. It's fine. You're just building it up in your head. Do what works.

BeefTomato · 13/10/2018 19:13

You don't have to make any decision right away. How about you start calling her Charlotte for a week or so, then see how you feel about it? If it feels right make it permanent, if not then call her Abigail again.

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 13/10/2018 19:15

I'm another one who hates people calling their child by a shorter version of her name.

Just be honest with them and say "her name is Abigail, not Abbie"

TrainsandDiggers · 13/10/2018 19:25

Change it. Keep Abigail in there somehow as you feel it will be meaningful to to her. The name change will be part of the rich tapestry of her life. She’s still very young and she isn’t the first and won’t be the last to have a change of name early on. My understanding is that it’s relatively easy to change within the first year. You can just tell her that once she was born, you just knew it wasn’t her name and wanted her to have a name that you loved as you love her.

The worst that will happen from this is people might be slightly confused for a while. Your baby will not be affected by it! 💐

gemgemgemgemgem · 13/10/2018 19:30

Change the name and let go of the guilt! You need to enjoy your baby and not dread hearing the name. A friend of mine changed their babies name at about 3 months I don’t think it’s s big deal- you got to say it forever. Don’t beat yourself up at all xx

Original poster
tiffysaccount · 13/10/2018 19:31

@ravenmum thank you, THIS quote of your stuck out to me

"It's not your mental state making you feel bad about changing her name, but I would bet my right arm it is your mental state making you feel this bad about it."

YES. That's what I could not seem to put into words myself for some reason!

OP posts:
Original poster
tiffysaccount · 13/10/2018 19:35

Something else just occurred to me ladies, don't know why I didn't think of it before. I changed my name when I got married. Albeit my last name but now it's who I am. I don't even remember being Tiffy Madienname anymore day to day and I never think about it (a bit sad/sentimental admitting that!) but my married name is now my identity. It actually feels weird to say my maiden name out loud now in front of my first and middle.

Perhaps I will change my daughter's name and I'll never think of it again except when I'm online and I see a forum post about someone struggling with their baby's name. Just a thought, thinking out loud and trying to reassure myself here and it's working a bit xx

OP posts:
kayakingmum · 13/10/2018 19:36

I can't resist telling you that my 1.5 year old daughter is called Abigail. We don't like the nick name Abi/Abbey. We sometimes call her Abs which does suit her but it's mostly Abigail at the moment. I can't imagine her called anything else. The only thing that bugs me is references to Abigail's party (the play) but they're not that common.
You've got to decide whether you can see your daughter with the new name or will she always be Abigail to you.

kayakingmum · 13/10/2018 19:37

There's always something with any name you choose. Are you sure there won't be an issue with the new name?

di2004 · 13/10/2018 19:37

I think Abigail is a lovely name. Just insist to friends/family that is what she is to be called by from now on, it shouldn't be an issue.
My son is called Jonathon. All grown up with a beautiful family of his own! His friends shorten his name to Jon/ Jonno but at the end of the day he's still Jonathon. Don't beat yourself up about it x

letallthechildrenboogie · 13/10/2018 19:41

We changed our baby's name. Glad we did. Kept the original name as an extra middle name. If you're not happy it's better to do it than regret.

GabsAlot · 13/10/2018 19:42

my name is shortened as i hate the full version

my parents loved it alwayhs corrected people when they said shortened version but my friends always do

they gaveup in the end-u cant really control other people as shes growing up

garethsouthgatesmrs · 13/10/2018 19:42

sorry but despite what you said I think it is likely linked to your PND. Having suffered from PND twice I know only too well how these obsessive thoughts can seem to take over. You feel like things would be better and you would feel more nomal if only X happened or Y hadn't happened but actually when you resolve one struggle a new one presents itself and ties you in knots again. In this case I would suggest that if you change her name you will start to obsess with regret and suddenly love Abigail again.

If you have taken yourself off the meds without GP input then please see GP asap anyway regardless of this issue.

Abigail is a beautiful name

Original poster
tiffysaccount · 13/10/2018 19:42

@kayakingmum I've tried to pick apart the name I like and I just can't see anything wrong with it. I absolutely love it and think it's beautiful, even the nicknames.

OP posts:
Original poster
tiffysaccount · 13/10/2018 19:44

@garethsouthgatesmrs thank you for that. I do think I'm struggling mentally yes. But the thing is I never did love Abigail to begin with. It was a total compromise name and I felt I was completely out of options, that's the only reason I chose it and I immediately felt regrets.

I do have a tendency to chronically overthink things. I am going to go see a therapist I think.

OP posts:
Pinkprincess1978 · 13/10/2018 19:45

It's nice to see you are coming round to realise this isn't such a big deal.

I was going to say before I read your chosen name that Charlotte was on our list of girls names but the reason we didn't go for it is that the list of many nick names associated with Charlotte is so long and we recognised we couldn't control what our daughter would be called outside of the family or what she would choose to be called.

Also, you will always regret having a name you don't like. My DH chose our DD name and wore me down by preferring it over every other name I suggested. She is 9 now and I still don't love her name and wish I had stuck to my guns overs choosing another name - whereas my DS name I still love.

Wonderowl · 13/10/2018 19:48

It's no big deal just add a first name and keep Abigail as middle name. She is still only a baby.

puzzledlady · 13/10/2018 19:53

I have a cousin who is an Abigail - she likes it and no one calls her Abby, my daughters friend is Abigail hut she insists everyone calls her Abby. I personally have a friend called Charlotte - everyone calls her Charlie and she hates it but thinks she’s too old to change her name. I also have a cousin called Charlene but we shorten it to ‘char’ - she doesn’t mind it but I suspect a Charlotte could be called ‘char’ too.

Pinkblanket · 13/10/2018 19:53

My mum has a name that is commonly shortened, nobody, but nobody EVER shortens it more than once without her say so. You wouldn't dare! Change it if you want. I know a few people that have changed their babies names when they have been weeks rather than days old.

Herefortheduration · 13/10/2018 20:25

Just change it. I know you feel it’s maybe too late but in the grand scheme of things it’s only been a very very short time. It’ll just become the thing she uses in ice breakers at work . “The thing you didn’t know about me is: I spent my first 6 months known by a different name”, everyone will laugh for 5 seconds and move on. It’s not a big deal.

My dad’s parents called him by his full name till the day they died but he has never used it for himself, he’ll always give the shortened version. Then again, both my children have commonly shortened names but both go by their full names, they’re teenagers so I doubt it’ll change now.

Sassielassie · 13/10/2018 21:34

I dont see why you have to legally change anything. Just start calling her what you want and request everyone else does the same. Having worked in the education system i have known countless children who are legally named one thing but are "known as" something else. Its never a big deal. My own mum is legally known as one name but ended up actually getting called after an old aunt with an unusual name which is nothing like her birth name. Its never been an issue. Save yourself all the hassle and heartache and just call her what you want. Everyone will soon follow suit.

Atthebottomofthegarden · 13/10/2018 21:35

Just change it, you’ll feel so much better! You can just tell people that you had wanted Abigail originally, but now you’ve met her and got to know her it just didn’t fit, but Charlotte does! Which may or may not be strictly accurate...

(I agree by the way, I prefer Charlotte too 😘)

tillytrotter1 · 13/10/2018 21:37

My Abigail got called Biggles by the small daughter of a friend, she couldn't say Abigail apparently.

5tarlight · 13/10/2018 21:43

Please change it. The way you write about Charlotte vs the way you write about Abigail, it's clear to see you really do prefer it, rather than this being a phase, or purely a pnd symptom. I think you will do this and feel relief. Keep Abigail as a middle name if you like, noone ever shortens middle names and you have the link to what she was called for what will have been a miniscule portion of her life. From all the pps you can see so many examples of people that changed babies' names, it is not unheard of and nothing to beat yourself up about. Ring Monday, get the wheels in motion and soon enough this will be all ancient history and you can just enjoy her and her name. Please be kind to yourself and like others have said, seek help if you don't feel better soon, baby needs her mum to be on top form 🙂 Flowers

Iseveryusernametaken · 13/10/2018 21:45

My DD's ho