To change my baby's name... feeling guilt and sadness

[tiffysaccount]

Hello mums

Well long story short we named our baby girl Abigail and registered her and I dislike the name or so I thought. I'd like some help processing these emotions and to try to figure out what's best for us.

I hate it when people call her Abi/Abby and it seems like that is what they constantly do. Plus I knew an Abi who was a complete bitch at school and I don't know why I didn't think of the association beforehand. Stupid. We've told people we are going to call her Abigail no nicknames and they don't seem to respect it. Feels like fingernails on a chalkboard whenever I hear Abigail or Abi. Just seems off to me.

I wanted to name her something else, I don't want to post for privacy purposes sorry but it's also a classic normal name.

I don't know why on earth I didn't name her that, DH loved the name and is now OK with me changing it to that, I have his full blessing.

She is 15 weeks now, if you would have asked me to change it 6 weeks ago i would have done the paperwork immediately but now I am not sure. This absolutely breaks my heart and I'm so confused.

I was going back in her baby book the other day and saw a hospital birth record with Abigail on it and her little feet stamped on it and I just burst into tears at the thought of changing it. I feel that if I changed the name I would be changing her. It's almost like, I hate the name but now it's hers and I can't take it from her. It's the strangest emotion, hating the name but almost loving it because it's hers.

Then I think back to the hospital and my husband filling out the birth certificate and holding her in his arms. The name means "father's joy" as well.

I'm so bloody confused about this whole thing that I'm in tears about it every day. I like the other name so much more and I don't know if I can see her being Abigail or Abi the rest of her life. I think about changing it but I get such a deep feeling of heartbreak and guilt over it and I feel that if I did change it these feelings would linger forever on.

How unreasonable am I being here. From this mess I've typed out, do you think I'm best off keeping the name or changing it? I can't tell if it's mum guilt talking or my emotions or what and it's exhausting.

I changed my DD's when she was 10 months old. All I felt was relieve.
We did keep her old name and just tacked her new one on the front as my DH thought she might one day find an old birth and think she'd been secretly adopted.

My DD's hospital record reads "Baby Girl". If you feel that strongly that it upsets you, you should change it. She won't mind and it will be a good story for her friends.

I was also "Baby Girl" until a nurse insisted that my parents really needed to give me a name

Being called by your middle name IS an administrative nightmare.... but it is also quite fun!! A bit like having two identities.

When annoying people say, having read your first name, "Do you mind if I call you X?" It's great to say "Yeah!" while thinking ... "because it's not my name you fucker!"

On the other hand when the doctor says "Can you confirm your name?" And you say 'Y...I mean X" you do sound like a fool!!

On the whole though it's fine. So I'd say use her middle name.

Both names are lovely. I would change it as you feel strongly. I would keep baby book and update name. Really interesting story when she is older. My DD is 8 and loves hearing how "her name was dad's first choice but I liked Erin best. Dad's choice was my second favourite so went with that and now I can't imagine you being Erin."
Not the most exciting story but she loves it. People will get used to new name quick enough. Don't be hard on yourself.

I think you should just change the name

Change her name, then you will have piece of mind. My husbands name was changed after he was named. He still has a bible with his first name in before the change. It makes for an interesting story.

You're not being unreasonable, I completely understand. I was the same when my DS was born. Loved the name, and then I went completely off it, worrying too much about what other people thought. (I know that's not the case with you, but I had similar crippling doubt) He has a name that is also a surname, and I didn't think about it at the time, and how so many people could be against it. I made it take over my life and I was very depressed about it for months. Only now, I've come to love his name and wouldn't change it for anything else.

Obviously it's up to you and how strongly you feel, but seeing as your DC is still so young, you have up to a year to change your mind. Maybe wait a bit and see how you feel? The early months can be tough and throwing tiredness and self doubt into the mix was a common theme with me

I had a friend at school who was actually known by her third name i.e. second middle name. No one blinked an eyelid at this amongst friends at school. It’s not been an issue as far as I know.

More recently my godson’s parents decided to change their son’s name after over a year. Took me a while to get used to the change. It’s not been done on legal paperwork at the moment (and he’s now nearly 5). It’s almost like his legal name is x but he’s affectionately known as y. Don’t know if paperwork will be done in the future but it works fine at the moment.

I say go with your gut. Changing her name doesn’t have to be done legally if you’re not sure yet. That can always been done later. Change it to the new name and test run it first! (A friend knew someone who ended up changing her daughter’s name by deed poll 4 times!!!!!)

Both beautiful names. I actually avoided Elizabeth as I couldn't bear the thought of people calling DD Liz or Lizzy. I also avoided Eleanor due to the ambiguity of pronouncing it. I believe it can truly affect your happiness hearing your DD called something that grates every single time.

I can sypathise with your feelings tiffy. I also tend to over analyse things and remember the slightest things and focus on them ad nauseum and work myself into a right state. Thankfully over the years (and this is just a maturing thing and learning through DC over anything else) I've learnt to "let go" of things that I have no control over.

In this situation you do still have some control. You can change it without hassle in the first year of life. Registry offices have a procedure for it, you're not the only one to ever consider this, so no need to feel foolish about it. Why don't you go down to the register office, fill out the forms, sit in the waiting room, see how you feel. If you absolutely positively can't submit it, then you have your answer right there. If you do submit, don't expect a huge rush of relief as a signal that you've done the right thing either. You may still feel a bit conflicted about "taking something away" from your DD. Just see how you feel a couple of weeks later.

I also tend to worry about how others may perceive me... oh daft old Sheila, can you believe what she's gone and done? Deep down I'll be cringing about their potential thoughts on me. Well... you know what... who cares?? Most people don't hold on to stuff and before long they'll have something else to think about. Just give a simple explanation as to why you've changed the name. If there's someone close to you who may find it hilarious to remind you of your "foolishness" (I have someone like that - dickhead they are), that says a lot more about them than it does about you. Just laugh and agree and say something like "yes those pregnancy hormones / PND will do that to a person, tehehe" and swiftly move on.

Good luck with your decision!

Don’t remove Abigail as a name, just add the name you now prefer. That way you never have to explain that you didn’t like her original name, you just preferred x. Plenty of kids have 3 names (as well as surname), and once people get used to it they’ll use whichever one you ask - I go by my second name - years ago the Doctors etc used my first name religiously, but that changed a few years back and they’ll now call you whatever you ask to go by. I work in IT for a banking software supplier - yet to come across a system that doesn’t have a “known as” field either - it’s now normal

I don’t understand how you can insist on full version of a name. She will decide what her friends call her and she may prefer Abby. I prefer Abby but that’s beside the point. I’d probably change it, no big deal.

Totally understand the need to over analyse. I’ve done it myself. Did it when Ds was a baby (also had PND) cried buckets and hated myself for not breast feeding.

I do like both names you’ve mentioned, although Charlotte would be my preferred choice. There may be an influx of Charlotte’s though due to the gorgeous little Princess Charlotte. Something to bare in mind.

My dp is known by his middle name. Always has been. It’s not really an issue. Only things like gp appointments and official records where he has to use his first name.

Good luck OP

My 18yo son terrified the whole family a couple of weeks back on his first day at uni by posting on Facebook that he hoped we would all support him "over the coming months and years" as he "struggles with his identity"!
Turned out, 3 days later, after concerns from as far away as Australia, that he wanted to change his (perfectly normal) name......to Jon!!!
My brother also changed names in his 30s and my son got a new name after 30 minutes.
If it doesn't seem right now test the new name in the family for a couple of weeks, only referring to her as "new name" and if it feels right, stick with it. You don't even need to do anything legal if you don't want to. Passports can be in the accepted name if you can show it's what is normally used, the only issue comes with "deeds" such as buying a house or setting up trusts.

Just wanted to say have been there too and decided to change names as lots of people were pronouncing the name in a strange way and I began to really dislike it. No regrets whatsoever. Baby is now a toddler and owns their new name. Kept original name as a middle name for sentimental reason/things that had baby’s name on and I know we made the right choice as I don’t love it as a middle name - glad we did keep it for this reason but wouldn’t choose it now. Hope you make a decision you are happy with

Definitely change it if it annoys you this much, as others have said play around with versions of it, I'd be inclined to add the new name as first name and put have Abigail as the middle name. Once you have done this your guilt (undeserved) will go away. Do check you don't have PND though xxx (even if you do still change it).

Change the name

Change the name

Change your baby's name

I can completely empathise with this - I don't have a child yet but have mental health issues and get hugely overstressed over certain decisions.

It seems to me that your heart is telling you to change it to Charlotte, which you liked all along. But you're scared of the imagined consequences, of people's judgement, of your own guilt at changing a previously made choice. It's almost as if, having made a mistake in your eyes, you feel that you ought to be punished for the mistake.

I think your fear of the consequences is being magnified beyond all reason because of the mental health issues. Honestly it is fine to change it. Charlotte is a beautiful name. Only you and your partner's opinions matter. Allow yourself permission, allow yourself freedom, to do whatever makes your heart sing.

Just keep saying g Abigail when people are around if they say abi say Abigail.

I have this with my son his name is Tom! People constantly say Thomas I just Correct them and say Tom.

Most people get the message eventually!

He corrects people now he is older too.

I'm a registrar and intrigued that the birth certificate was completed at the hospital. How old was the baby when you registered her? If she was only a couple of days I'd say that's very problematic as the days after a birth are such emotional times that I'm sure lots of people would make mistakes with names and change their minds.

thank you ladies, oh I really do appreciate all of these comments, I've read every single one of them. thank you, thank you.

I've really analysed this yesterday and here's what I've come up with.

The entire time I was pregnant with her I wasn't sure if I wanted to be a mum, got really depressed, didn't think of names, couldn't be arsed. Was convinced the entire experience was going to be an utter disaster anyway so why bother with a name. Like I said, had the one name I really liked but didn't use it, I was in such a state.

Of course when she was born she became the most beautiful thing that has ever happened to me and has changed my life for the better in ways I never dreamed possible.

She is so precious to me and really the focus of all of my attention now, just can't help it, love her so much. And I think perhaps having something so "everyday" and big about her be such a source of pain really puts on the guilt. Plus the thoughts during pregnancy of not wanting her vs. how much I love her now, breaks my heart. Knowing that the name means "father's joy" and it was DH's choice, I think it's perhaps symbolism at taking joy away from him by changing the name. All of these feelings just wrapped up you know? I've had such a rough start.

I want to make the name right but now... I'm afraid of 'letting her down' so to speak again if that makes any sense. x

@ree070603 we are in the US now. My DH is American and I'm from the UK. We moved here about two years back so he could be closer to his family.

But yes, they come round at the hospital with the birth certificate paperwork here pressuring you to fill it out. I kept saying I wasn't ready and the nurses kept coming back in saying "so what's the name? can't wait to hear it! We need a name!" and "you need to fill this out before you leave". I was just so exhausted and overwhelmed, already crying because I just wasn't sure what to name her, just remember the feeling of complete and UTTER exasperation and frustration like it was yesterday. It was horrible.

She will be called Abby/Abi, nothing you’ll be able to do about it, so as you dislike the shortening changing the name makes sense.

I wish I knew how to help you with your anxiety OP. What is it that you need to hear? I get the feeling that no answer or reassurance here can solve this, because your anxiety just comes back stronger.

You made a decision you regret, and now you're scared to change it because you might then regret that decision. You're desperate to make the perfect choice to do right by your daughter and by everyone else. It's like all of your wider fears and your guilt about your feelings in pregnancy have now got channelled into this decision.

I think the counseling is a great idea, I hope they can help

It's okay to be unsure, afraid or depressed in pregnancy. It's okay that you weren't sure you wanted her. I know you feel guilty about it, but it's okay to have these feelings. You haven't hurt her by having those thoughts.

@Porpoises thank you. It's just that I wish I could rewind time knowing what I know now and I wish I knew what decision would bring me the most peace.

You're exactly right in wanting to make the best choice in this situation. I feel immense guilt about how I felt in the pregnancy and now I feel immense guilt that I didn't go with my heart re: the name. Now I am afraid I am going to feel yet MORE guilt on top of this for changing it- by feeling like I'm messing around with my daughter's identity and letting my husband down. Perhaps also if I change it, I feel like a bit of an inept and flaky mother in a way that I didn't get it right the first time (though I deep down know it isn't true). Yet leaving the name doesn't feel good either.

I think I have realised that either decision now is going to come with an immense deal of negative emotions: guilt and uncertainty over changing it, or keeping it, feeling grating and exhaustion re: fighting the nicknames, having gone off it, feeling it isn't right etc.

What a bloody mess I'm in! x