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Original poster

To change my baby's name... feeling guilt and sadness

286 replies

tiffysaccount · 12/10/2018 15:23

Hello mums

Well long story short we named our baby girl Abigail and registered her and I dislike the name or so I thought. I'd like some help processing these emotions and to try to figure out what's best for us.

I hate it when people call her Abi/Abby and it seems like that is what they constantly do. Plus I knew an Abi who was a complete bitch at school and I don't know why I didn't think of the association beforehand. Stupid. We've told people we are going to call her Abigail no nicknames and they don't seem to respect it. Feels like fingernails on a chalkboard whenever I hear Abigail or Abi. Just seems off to me.

I wanted to name her something else, I don't want to post for privacy purposes sorry but it's also a classic normal name.

I don't know why on earth I didn't name her that, DH loved the name and is now OK with me changing it to that, I have his full blessing.

She is 15 weeks now, if you would have asked me to change it 6 weeks ago i would have done the paperwork immediately but now I am not sure. This absolutely breaks my heart and I'm so confused.

I was going back in her baby book the other day and saw a hospital birth record with Abigail on it and her little feet stamped on it and I just burst into tears at the thought of changing it. I feel that if I changed the name I would be changing her. It's almost like, I hate the name but now it's hers and I can't take it from her. It's the strangest emotion, hating the name but almost loving it because it's hers.

Then I think back to the hospital and my husband filling out the birth certificate and holding her in his arms. The name means "father's joy" as well.

I'm so bloody confused about this whole thing that I'm in tears about it every day. I like the other name so much more and I don't know if I can see her being Abigail or Abi the rest of her life. I think about changing it but I get such a deep feeling of heartbreak and guilt over it and I feel that if I did change it these feelings would linger forever on.

How unreasonable am I being here. From this mess I've typed out, do you think I'm best off keeping the name or changing it? I can't tell if it's mum guilt talking or my emotions or what and it's exhausting.

OP posts:
Klmn · 15/10/2018 13:28

I can empathise with your agony. I've not read all the replies, so apologies if I am repeating something that has been said before. I named DS the name DH wanted, I cried for 4 days about it, then told myself to get over it, anything for DH. DS is 29 now and I still feel a little sadness that he's not called the name I really wanted (after my DF) I remember the pressure to name him, and still feel the resentment that I went through the pregnancy etc, and DH gets to name both DC!

Stop the guilt, its a complete waste of your time and energy, choose the name you love. This is your DD, this time next year you won't even think about the agony you are experiencing now. Your gut feeling is always right. Best of luck, and happy times ahead.

3luckystars · 15/10/2018 14:57

I not 100% sure but i think the Native Americans give a name and then 're name or give a spirit name when they get to know the child.

Just change the name, you love Charlotte! It's ok!

Original poster
tiffysaccount · 15/10/2018 15:02

Got up this morning and had a chat with my mum, she thinks I'm being silly re: feeling guilty and reminded me that we had been out for a coffee months back when I went home to visit, and I kept going on about how I loved the name Charlotte and it just felt right. She agrees that changing an infant's name is no big deal but hinted at there being deeper mental health issues at play being that I'm feeling so many strong emotions about this. And I agree with her.

I am just trying to process things now. I don't know why I feel an immense sadness about changing the name and I'm trying to get to the bottom of it. Perhaps it's because the name is a part of my daughter's history, I think. I imagine seeing the name in the future and feeling tinges of sadness because that's what we brought her home as and she's not that anymore... on the other side I don't know if I can keep on immediately going "ugh" and kicking myself each time someone says my DD's name.

So bloody confusing, back at work for the week and it's all I can think about at my desk!

Suppose if I don't change it I'll always wonder "what could have been" though. Hate the way my mind works sometimes.

All in all my biggest fear is that I won't feel better if it's changed and I will regret changing it.

Going to book a therapist today as well I've decided to help me to sort out these emotions. x

OP posts:
YearOfYouRemember · 15/10/2018 15:07

Please just change the name. All this angst over something you can change.

Your dh is happy to change it. Your baby doesn't care. Just change the name already Flowers.

You're miserable now. Even if you do have PND you won't be worrying about your baby's name as she'll be the name she always need should have been …

MinaPaws · 15/10/2018 15:14

A friend of mine told me the other day that she changed her DDs name after a few months too. It just felt wrong. I love her DDs name and it really suits her. The other name really didn't. She's in her 20s now and I can promise you she has no hang ups about having had her name changed when she was tiny. Change her name and let everyone know. Do a new footprint. You can always keep Abigail as a middle name.

Original poster
tiffysaccount · 15/10/2018 15:26

@YearOfYouRemember I know deep down I should as well. From all of your replies I think I've gathered a couple of things, that I should change the name and that I need to get my mental health sorted as far as the overthinking and anxiety.

My heart is in my throat about this all day every day- I just love my baby girl so much and it's what I'll be calling her every day for 50 years God willing perhaps more- lofty decision to make when I feel so anxious and I start second guessing myself, and thinking all this is just me being unreasonable due to my mental health at the moment. I don't want to look back and think "why the hell did I do that"! I've asked my inlaws to call her by the new name and forget the old, maybe once I hear this for a while and I get my anxiety in check I will be able to move forward and feel like she had the name she was always meant to have - no feelings of guilt, shame, embarrassment, anxiety over whether or not it's right, just happiness and acceptance.

Just been a bloody hard year. Been in tears about it all this morning, from moving, to having no family/friends to really talk to- pregnancy, birth, new baby, dysfunctional stressful job, my work friend left as well when I was on maternity leave, financial issues. Now this bloody name dilemma. I know I deserve to feel lighter than I do, I just need to get from A to B. x

OP posts:
Gatehouse77 · 15/10/2018 15:26

I haven't read the whole thread but I knew someone who was in a very similar position to you. Someone misheard the name of her newborn which was the name of her school bully. It threw her in a tailspin.
Eventually, after 2 name changes (not officially, they tried them out for a while) they settled on a name.
On the surface, it can seem trivial but choosing a name is so emotive which I didn't truly appreciate until I had my own children and from seeing how much it affected this friend.

It's not stupid and I wouldn't feel guilty or silly about it. Everyone's got a 'thing' that seems incomprehensible to others.

YearOfYouRemember · 15/10/2018 15:34

You've had a tough year but changing the name is something you can do. Make things better. Take away one stress.

Original poster
tiffysaccount · 15/10/2018 15:37

@Gatehouse77 yes, absolutely. My mum didn't quite understand the dilemma at first and thought I had completely lost it, told me to go check myself into an institution! Since then she has softened to it and tells me to follow my heart but it made me feel a bit judged at first- and I perhaps wondered how others perceived this as well if my mum reacted that way at first.

Had a long chat about this with DH last night and expressed that I felt guilt about taking the name from him. Again with the emotions as it means "father's joy" (I think I am hanging wayyyyy to much symbolism on a stupid meaning) and he really chose the name for her as I was in the hospital exhausted and agonising and confused. He admitted "I confess I lied to you...I really just told you it was my favourite name so you could commit to it and we could leave the bloody hospital and get on with it"! So that makes me feel better.

Asked about the possibility of moving it to the middle, DH doesn't like that idea.

Nothing really seems all that right at the moment but I do know that for a long time Charlotte did until I overthought it all to exhaustion! x Waiting on a call back from a therapist now.

OP posts:
amumoffour · 16/10/2018 12:13

None of my children ended up with the chosen name, my husband registered them and couldn't remember what we chose. The only one who is a little bothered is my youngest when he found out he should have been Noah and ended up with boring Ian. could have been worse.

RockYourSocksOff · 16/10/2018 21:57

Give it a few weeks, stay with us on this thread. If you still feel strongly about it change it, go with your heart and how you feel, don’t think about what other people think!

Original poster
tiffysaccount · 17/10/2018 01:54

Hiya ladies, just to update you all, I've started back on antidepressants in hope that it can balance me out and help me become a bit more level headed about it all. My emotions are all over the place about this and they shouldn't be- I've blown this up into something crazy when it should really be a simple decision. Hopefully will help get rid of these unusually overwhelming feelings of guilt, panic, and uncertainty keeping me from moving forward! I've also booked an appointment with a therapist Fri morning. I'm going to write a bit of an overview of my issue i.e. tendency to overthink decisions especially big ones- anxiety, overthinking, agonising etc and a description of the dilemma, in hopes we can go over and discuss why I cant seem to pull the trigger without panicking. Forgot if I said but DH seems to think the best thing to do is change it, as he says he doesn't like seeing me cringe out of the corner of his eye each time someone says our daughter's name Blush. I've also surprisingly had a good chat with my mum today, she had me list out all the pros and cons of changing it on a piece of paper. Then showed her the list and she said "ok, what do all your cons have in common?" I go "not sure?" She goes "all I see is emotions and nothing rational on the cons side, now interpret that how you like" so it's given me a bit to mull over (as if I need any more of that lol) anyway again thank you ladies, to all who are following.

OP posts:
Cellardoor23 · 17/10/2018 03:43

@tiffysaccount Sorry, I haven't read the whole thread since I posted the first time, but honestly, I was exactly the same. I can imagine how you must be feeling. My ds is 2.5 years old now, and I wouldn't change his name for anything else. It's good that you were able to speak to someone about it in rl. It helps Smile

Monty27 · 17/10/2018 03:54

I haven't read all the posts.
If you chose your baby's name because you love it that's great.
My DD has an easily shortened name too. But we only ever do it affectionately. 99% she is addressed by her full name by friends and family. Mostly at her request since she was about 6. She's 25 now Grin
Still full name.
Just put your foot down with people if you love that name. It's beautiful btw and I wouldn't want it shortened either. Smile

heath1977 · 17/10/2018 05:27

Look at it this way in the grand scheme of things changing her name to something that makes you happy now really isn't a huge deal
Do it and stop stressing about it
Not quite the same but we were set on a certain spelling of sons name that we ended up changing so on his official records it's spelled the original way but has been easy to fix
If you don't like it and your DH seems fine just change it don't stick with a name you hate for stupid guilt reasons that are only in your head
Relax and look after yourself lovely

ravenmum · 17/10/2018 08:15

Don't forget that the antidepressants will probably make you feel more emotional before they calm you down - might be a good excuse to give yourself a couple of weeks off worrying about it, until they start working properly.

Original poster
tiffysaccount · 18/10/2018 21:35

Hi ladies just another update for those following, I've gone to a therapy appointment today and am feeling immensely better about all of this. We were digging into the dilemma and discovered that the simple reason why I am agonising about the change is just anxiety and negative thoughts spinning round and round.

And anxiety and unclear thinking was the entire reason I didn't pick Charlotte in the first place.

I've learned I have a tendency to do this with every decision I feel is a big one and I sort of work myself into a vortex I can't get out of.

I've sort of uncovered that the current name may always remind me of a time in my life where I let negative feelings like anxiety "win". And I don't think I can have that years on. She also illustrated to me how little of a "big deal" this is by doing some maths... if DD lives to be 100 and we figure on 3 months for sake of simplicity, that's only about 0.0025% of her life she's had the wrong name. And in an unofficial sense even less than that.

So with that I think I'll wait the weekend and perhaps go change it next week.

Thanks ladies you've all been incredibly helpful with this and I don't know how to thank you.

OP posts:
Haworthia · 18/10/2018 21:44

That’s great news Smile

Marzipanface · 18/10/2018 21:59

Change the name to her real name. The one you want. Well done for recognising you are struggling and seeking help. Good luck.

Bebopaloola · 18/10/2018 22:29

Well done, I'm thrilled for you x

Wannabeyorkshirelass · 18/10/2018 22:39

Well done for being strong and seeking help with your mental health. It's so important and all that your beautiful little girl needs - regardless of her name - is a healthy mama.

A kind piece of advice: don't choose any name that you don't like any potential shortening of, because people WILL shorten it no matter what you say. So if it's Charlotte then resign yourself to Charlie, Charl, Lottie etc because they will all happen.

When you're feeling better about things in general, the name will just be 'her' and you won't even be able to see whether it's a good name or not because it'll just be her.

ApolloandDaphne · 19/10/2018 06:24

Well done. I am sure this will now help you with making lots of decisions in the future as well as this one.

RockYourSocksOff · 19/10/2018 07:31

Glad you’re getting some great support. Flowers

brimfullofasha · 19/10/2018 07:43

I think I'd change it to Charlotte. The 'old' name will just become part of her story. Just one of those things you talk about when she asks for stories about when she was little.

It's easy to change at this age.

ravenmum · 19/10/2018 08:47

Brilliant, sounds like you have found a good therapist :)