AIBU re siblings etiquette at birthday parties

[dontyouforgetaboutme]

So am not sure if AIBU or the other mums. It's my DDs 8th birthday party tomorrow and one mother has texted me to ask if it's ok to bring her 3 year old - she can play with another 3 year old who is coming. Well no one has checked with me re the other 3 year old coming. It appears it's been assumed they can . I am having the party in a hall, but have exactly the right number of party plates and cups, and party bags full of plastic crap.

So my AIBU is that I am pissed off and feel like saying no to the CFs, or should I just chill out. Both parents on the scene so no childcare issue with either family I am aware of. I would never dream of assuming another DC could come to a birthday party. Am I missing something?

OP from reading your post it sounds to me that the mum wasn't expecting food and a party bag for the extra sibling, just for her to be able to be there. If so, what's the problem?

If I was doing a hall party then I’d probably just ignore the extra siblings as long as the parents stayed and would be ok with them picking at some of the food also but I wouldn’t buy extra plates or party bags for them as they weren’t invited. I can understand why parents do it because there isn’t always someone else to watch the younger DC and I’ve had to do it myself but i brought a “packed lunch” for my youngest when I did it so it was clear I wasn’t expecting anything. At 8 I assume a lot of parents would be dropping and leaving rather than staying.

She’s being cheeky. There’s no need for her to stay asvits an 8th birthday not a 3rd. She’s basically trying to get out of entertaining her youngest child for the length of the party.
Tell her to do one.

Say you can’t because of numbers allowed in the hall.

I seem to be a minority here but I would let the siblings come. I did for my son's birthday party in April. I just did a few extra sweetie cones and had a small book and buttons for the little ones. It really wasn't a big deal because it was in a hall. Fair enough if you were having a pay per child party but in a hall saying no to siblings is a bit unreasonable IMO. However, 8 is definetly old enough to drop and run so no reason for them to stay with the siblings.

I’ve had 2 nightmare birthday parties .. one at a play area with food for x amount ... one mother turns up with 2 younger siblings and a cousin in tow, play area came to me at the end to settle the bill and their entrance was included as the mother said add them on!! Other was 13 year olds birthday, my younger daughter went so said invite a friend .. this 8 year old friend turned up with her 5 and 3 year old sister and mother legged it!!!

If so, what's the problem?

Surely there’s a massive contrast between babysitting a 3 year old and supervising a group of 8 years olds? Who’s supposed to look after and run around after the 3 year old? Op is not a free babysitter - you sound dense

If their parents are staying for the party you can’t really exclude siblings surely? My DH is on the scene but works shifts so if older child was invited but not younger I’d either have to bring both or neither?

I would be fine with extra siblings coming, but I would not provide food or a party bag and I doubt parents would expect that either tbh

It's rude to bring siblings that aren't invited to a party. Asking to bring them is awful imo, it can put pressure on people who have budgeted for x number of children. I understand that parents often stay at parties if children are small but not after 5 years of age (unless of course the child has SN and needs mum or dad to stay).

I lost count of the number of parties I hosted when my DC were growing up and always had a clear no siblings rule. Parties aren't a social event for parents nor was in a babysitting service. If children didn't attend due to the no siblings rule that was fine by me.

One parent rocked up to one of my children's parties with 3 siblings and was raging when I said she could wait in the room next to the hall. I was hosting a child's birthday party NOT a crèche.

I've had similar. Much younger child in middle of bouncy castle and spitting all over cake when DD was trying to blow her candles out
I gave a party bag as one invitee was unexpectedly ill. The mum complained that the contents (sweets, balloon, plastic tatjewellery was not age appropriate

Since then, its a fuck off CF from me.

This is always interesting. I’ve always asked first about taking the sibling if it’s a hall type party. It’s usually the done thing round here. I’m a single parent but many have one of the parents work on a weekend so the parent at home has the kids. I’ve always checked first and made it clear it’s ok to say no. I’ve usually held the uninvited child back at food time but they’re usually invited to take a space and eat. Mostly buffets laid out but also individual boxes made up. They usually make more than needed. Same with the party bag. We’ve always been offered one. When I’ve done parties in a hall it’s been the same, although many don’t check and just turn up. In fact half the class doesn’t RSVP and just turn up so always have more than needed. Parents tend to stay at hall parties, even up to the age of 9 so far unless they need to get away with their other child and ask if they can just drop. I did a beach party for both mine this year and said siblings were welcome if the parent stayed for the youngest party. 2 children had 2 older siblings each but they all just played together. I did them food and party bags too. As for pay per head parties I would usually take the sibling and pay her in if soft play, and pay for her to eat too. One party my youngest went to was limited numbers so I took my other child with her iPad to sit with me and watch but someone didn’t turn up so she was offered a place. That party didn’t have food, just cake. I’ve also done smaller parties at my house where the child is dropped so no sibling issues there - actually none of them had siblings. My youngest went to a few pamper parties last year when they turned 6 and I was shocked that I had to drop off (limited space in the salons) but for those I’d managed to get grandma to look after sibling (she’s not always available). She would have just come with me to the cafe down the road if not available.

No way they should bring a 3yr old sibling. This is rude. There is no need for a parent to stay at an 8yr old's party. In my experience, parents accompanying children to parties stops around 5(unless there are special circumstances like remote venue). Tell parents they don't need to stay.

So... we ended up with 5 uninvited 3 year old siblings and 1 4 year old

I made it clear the bouncy castle was just for the 8 year olds as it was too boisterous for the little ones. Cue major tantrums. Spent half my afternoon shooing 3 year olds off the very vigorous bouncy castle. Then they all sat down for pass the parcel which meant there weren't enough layers for all the kids to get a box of smarties so 4 of DD8s friends didn't get a prize and at the end they all queued up for party bags. (which they didn't get). No sign at all from the parents (all of whom all stayed Wtaf) that they were embarrassed at all.

So I am now v Aware of next year and being hardcore invite writer.

It all still was fine. And if they'd all asked at invite time I probably would have made a plan. But they didn't. They just assumed and then did t make any adjustments to care for their kids or keep them away from activities that were obv for invited guests only.

So whilst Dd has "the best party ever" I'm just a little bit raging still!

@dontyouforgetaboutme what happened?

cross post

Oh dear, the parents sound really rude but the most important thing is that your DD had a great time.

You were the better person OP, but I thought they’d be utter piss takers when i saw your update about letting them come. I don’t know how these CF’s have to cheek to pull this kind of stuff.
Glad the birthday girl enjoyed it though.

Honestly, surely you must have been tempted to let one of the little tikes on the bouncy castle just as a sacrificial lamb? I mean, you can’t be everywhere at once, OP...

Op you're a good person. Although I'd have done the same. And seethed like a mother fucker for the next week.

Op is the main CF mum that main character from Motherland? I thought that was vastly exaggerated for comical effect but reading this and other similar threads on here maybe not!!

You should have let the younger ones on the bouncy castle whilst the 8 year old were playing pass the parcel. No way would I have let them sit down for the pass the parcel. Those mums were bloody shameless.

You now know for next year and when all is said and done your DD enjoyed her party

Actually I agree that the small ones shouldn't have played pass the parcel, but I wouldn't have let them on the bouncy castle either, trying to get them off again after would have been carnage!

I’m glad your dd enjoyed her party op.

I wouldn’t have bothered myself about the little ones going on the bouncy castle if I were you, though. I’d have left that to their parents, completely their job to supervise the uninvited siblings at the non age-appropriate party.

Also the reason why I avoided ever taking a younger sibling along to a party unless I had no other option - total pita to supervise.

I agree, pass the parcel is the perfect time to let little ones have a go on the bouncy castle.

Bloody hell. 5 extra uninvited guests. That's staggeringly rude. I'd be very put out. Are you going to say anything to their mums. "Gosh, yes it was quite tricky. 3 year old are just desperate to join in with the big kids, but it did mean the big kids couldn't do all the stuff I had planned for them. Such a shame for my dd and her friends. Parties are so stressful" tinkly (brittle) laugh.