AIBU re siblings etiquette at birthday parties

[dontyouforgetaboutme]

So am not sure if AIBU or the other mums. It's my DDs 8th birthday party tomorrow and one mother has texted me to ask if it's ok to bring her 3 year old - she can play with another 3 year old who is coming. Well no one has checked with me re the other 3 year old coming. It appears it's been assumed they can . I am having the party in a hall, but have exactly the right number of party plates and cups, and party bags full of plastic crap.

So my AIBU is that I am pissed off and feel like saying no to the CFs, or should I just chill out. Both parents on the scene so no childcare issue with either family I am aware of. I would never dream of assuming another DC could come to a birthday party. Am I missing something?

Ah I feel sorry for *Racecar's child(ren) - imagine waking up excited about it being your birthday party where you get to enjoy it with your friends from school. A whole class party for your 7th birthday. But instead of a special day your party becomes a weird childcare occasion as the 29 friends you invited have amongst them accrued 42 siblings ranging in age from crawling babes that the 7 year olds have to avoid stepping on through the toddler years now the 7 year olds have to allow the toddlers special toddler time on the bouncy castle - through to pre teens taking selfies all day but having to delete photos as they've unexpectedly caught a group of 7 year olds in shot . I'd probably wake up the next day and thank the Lord my special day was over for another year.

I'd reply saying "that's a shame DD will miss CFDD" bet she suddenly finds childcare or drops and leaves

This is why I always wrote 'sorry no siblings' on DS invites after a certain age. I have one friend though that always thinks her son needs to come but although only a few years younger my son finds him annoying and he will run around and get in the way of the entertainer. She doesn't even try and stop him. He's not invited to my DS birthday this year due to age restriction. I once asked if her DS wanted to come to the cinema with my DS and ended up having to take her younger child. I no longer ask him to come, I don't want the age difference and I don't want to look after a much younger child.

Racecardriver.
I think you're imagining a totally different party to the set up here. You're imagining a party in a large garden in the sun, with ample space for children of all ages to frolic. More a family type party.
The set up here is a confined space in a hall, where a finite number of children can go. The party entertainment will be tailored to 8 year olds.
So, 20 invited children would turn in to 80 (with family) which just wouldn't work.
I think you're attempting to put people down with your posts, but I'm afraid it hasn't worked.

@racecardriver you have absolutely no idea what social class I am from. If I had less class I'd tell you.

as PP said, this isn't an all welcome, kids running round, parents drinking wine, family and neighbours kind of party. I've had plenty of those, believe me, when the DCs were younger. This is an 8 year old's birthday party with 18 8 year olds, and her DB10 and his best friend who will no doubt sit indoors on xbox anyway

Anyhow, it's all sorted. By my DD8. Who came home telling me how excited she is that the two DD3s are coming as she loves them so much and she hopes the other DD3 (another little sister) is coming too. Its all been discussed with her friends at school apparently. So I've not so much backed down as officially invited them on DDs request. But I have made it clear that the invite was originally for the yr3s only and I was pissed off at last minute annoucements that pre reception siblings were coming as I wasn't prepared. And in future please can you just check in advance.I've also made it very clear that they are not allowed on the bouncy castle with the big children and I have no party bags!

I still think it's rude, the expectation that it's ok without checking. And I didn't like being put on the spot by original mum. But DD is happy. Other parents are happy but know they were wrong. The forecast is good and I'm drinking wine.

and lesson learned. Next year (and DD10's feb birthday) will very VERY specifically indicate that siblings are not invited!

No, it's definitely rude to assume it's okay to bring siblings when they haven't been invited. It wouldn't even occur to me to think of doing it. It's obviously fine if it's a soft play open to the public, if you pay as you normally would and don't expect the sibling to be allowed to partake of the party food; that really is being a CF!

It's an issue for us, as DD2 (6) gets invited to lots of parties whereas DD1 (9) never gets invited; she has SEN and finds it hard to make friends. But that isn't the problem of the parents hosting the party.

I have been asked if siblings can come in the past, and it's fine as far as I'm concerned, if it's in a hall where exact numbers are not an issue.

But in the case described by the OP, the siblings in question are 3 year olds, and the party is for 8 year olds. That really isn't appropriate. And the other mum is really being very rude in just assuming and not asking the party host.

So where the three year olds only going because your daughter had invited them, or had her friends told her the little sisters were going and she thought that was a great idea?

Either way it’s going to be an awkward afternoon with their mothers!!!

My money is on the cf mother telling her daughter how excited the little one was knowing she'd pass it on to op's dd.

It probably won't be awkward for the original cf Mum as she clearly has no shame!

I think it's rude not to ask if you can bring your other child. That said in this situation I would have just cater for the extra few children. As you have now done Op. It's a bit annoying that CF mum gets her own way. does the original person that actually asked if their other child could come now getting invite? not that you want the party to be overrun with 3 year olds.

I'd bet some money cf brings her 3 and 8yo and tries to do a runner. I'd also bet good money she ignores/does nothing to try and stop 3yo from going on the bouncy castle.

You are a better person than I am op!

Wow, very well manipulated by cf mum.

Yes, I’ve put ‘no siblings’ on my invites for a few years now!

I think you made the right call OP. As you say, next year you can put on the invites that no siblings can come. Your daughter having a good party is the main thing in all of this, after all.

You may have been a bit manipulated, but you did what you thought was best for your daughter and that means more than standing up to CFs in my eyes. The other parents know you are pissed off. I think you can still hold your head up high.

I expect a lot of people will tell you that your solution was the wrong one. Probably by some people who enjoy the next instalment of CF threads.

I hope DD has a great time.

You did the right thing op though frankly you didn't have much choice. You put your marker down though and CF now knows you are not a simpering people pleaser

DD1 had one or two whole class/shared parties when she was little. No siblings turning up without warning, only people politely asking if they were stuck for childcare, all very civilised.

Four years later, DD2 having the same sort of party, several siblings turn up unannounced, tuck into the food, join in with everything and queue up for party bags at the end. Not only that, but one family appeared to bring other adult relatives who tucked in to the food before the kids sat down to eat. It was absolutely crazy, and I stood there in open-mouthed amazement at their rudeness. They treated it as an absolute free-for-all.

I was left wondering what on earth happened in four years that the two sets of parents could have such different attitudes. So in spite of being a seasoned party giver I still got caught out.

You have to admire the outmanoeuvring by the CF there, in an openmouthed horror sort of way.
She managed to get her own DD to get your DD to be happy that her (CFDD)'s little sister was coming, along with original requested-to-be-included 3yo AND now another one too!

Impressive.

But yes, since your DD is happy and even keen to have them there, there's not a lot you can do, so you've done all you could.

Glad you told them that it wasn't the way it was meant to happen, though, and it won't happen that way again. for you.

My goodness.

" CF now knows you are not a simpering people pleaser"

So she turned to the daughter instead to get her way!

When my girls were younger, I always took the younger ones to parties my older one went to. My husband worked long hours & I had no other childcare.

I never asked. It was usually at soft play, & they would just play.

HOWEVER, I never expected food or party bags for the youngest, or vice-versa when she stared going to her own parties.

I have no issue with siblings coming & playing, its expected in the group of parents I know. But none of us specially cater for them. There’s always plenty left anyway.

I really hate this! Guests assume it's ok to bring their whole family! I would always invite similar age siblings but a lot of people expect you to pay for all 4 of their kids to attend

I never asked. [...] I never expected food or party bags for the youngest

Donna1001 That you didn’t expect food or party bags is completely irrelevant. You were rude. Very rude. You don’t just bring a random uninvited kid to a birthday party, regardless of where’s it’s held.

I don’t know I’d have to dig a bit more to find out why your dd is now so keen to have a load of 3yr olds at her party she wasn’t bothered about the day before. No doubt cf’s mum has told the dd to go in and say if the lo can’t go then she can’t go.
I still wouldn’t be inviting them tbh and would be doubly annoyed that cf parent has tried to get round my 8yo after being told no!