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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re siblings etiquette at birthday parties

391 replies

dontyouforgetaboutme · 12/10/2018 10:50

So am not sure if AIBU or the other mums. It's my DDs 8th birthday party tomorrow and one mother has texted me to ask if it's ok to bring her 3 year old - she can play with another 3 year old who is coming. Well no one has checked with me re the other 3 year old coming. It appears it's been assumed they can . I am having the party in a hall, but have exactly the right number of party plates and cups, and party bags full of plastic crap.

So my AIBU is that I am pissed off and feel like saying no to the CFs, or should I just chill out. Both parents on the scene so no childcare issue with either family I am aware of. I would never dream of assuming another DC could come to a birthday party. Am I missing something?

OP posts:
Donna1001 · 13/10/2018 12:29

Not rude. As I say, every one does it in my circle of friends.

I see no issue.

CottonSock · 13/10/2018 12:42

Well done op. I wasn't going to post, but those class comments just can't go unmentioned. Hilarious..

Lizzie48 · 13/10/2018 12:47

For goodness sake, @WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue soft play centres are open to the public. What's the difference between one of the guest's siblings and other children playing there? You pay then your kid can play, simple.

Obviously, if the place isn't open to the public, that's a different matter and only party guests should go.

nannygoat50 · 13/10/2018 17:26

It really pisses me off when parents presume the sibling can come . I have started writing on invite , owing to numbers and health and safety unfortunately we can not accommodate any siblings

Abilouise · 13/10/2018 17:27

Let them bring their smaller children along but let it known that because they weren't invited there wouldn't be any food, plates, and party bags for them. I would allow them to bring their own food for the smaller children though only because 3 year olds running around for a while would need snacks and drinks. My son is just gone 5 and my daughter just gone 1 so I don't have many experiences with birthday parties yet lol. I would suggest having extra paper plates on hand though because a kid that's invited could spill juice or something on their plate so could be left without a plate. Do whatever you feel is right op, YANBU, they weren't invited so shouldn't of assumed so. If you are still uncomfortable with the smaller children attending send out a group text saying something like 'just reminding everyone that uninvited children will not be allowed to attend due to lack of resources and space'.

Abilouise · 13/10/2018 17:31

Sorry just went on previous page and read comments so I know it's all handled now Flowers

Twillow · 13/10/2018 17:51

There are invariably some hangers-on who think this is ok. At least one of them has asked, the other one is just plain rude. Usually, they are slightly closer in age to the birthday child which is slightly more understandable but this is ridiculous at a 5 year gap. It's not even like the mum's need to stay at that age, is it?
Just say sorry but you've only catered for the invited number and the age gap is too big to join in the activities you've planned.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 13/10/2018 18:14

I agree, @Lizzie48 - if the party is somewhere public, like soft play, it is OK to take other children along, as long as you pay for the extra children, they understand they aren’t going to the party so won’t be getting the party food or a party bag.

What boggles my mind is the CFs who turn up to a party at a private home, or where the party isn’t somewhere public, and send uninvited siblings in - and let them eat the party food and pester for a party bag! These people have no manners at all. Thankfully I never met any such CFs during my years of doing parties for the dses - if I had, they wouldn’t have been invited another time!

PotteryLottery · 13/10/2018 18:26

I once had a sibling turn up with both parents and a grandparent! So plenty of childcare available. No one asked me if this was ok, and all the grown ups just helped themselves to food too!

ArsenalsPlayingAtHome · 13/10/2018 18:27

CFMum encouraged the other mum to bring her 3year old, so that CFMum's 3 year old had someone to play with, didn't she?

CFMum has got even more of a CF since I worked that one out. It only took me to page 23!

No backing down, OP. I like what football mum said. Make it clear in your response that the onus is on "her" and that her DD8 is missing out not because her sibling wasn't invited, but that she can't bear to leave DD8 alone. More likely she can't be arsed driving home, then back later to pick up and sees it as a waste of time. CF!

OhFFSMum · 13/10/2018 18:30

We just had my daughter's 11th birthday party today, a swimming pool party at my gym followed by food in the restaurant. I ordered extra sweetie cones in case any siblings turned up - no big deal!? I don't really understand what all the fuss is about sorry! If it were me I would say yes they can come but u only have enough food and goodies for the friends of DD??

WoWsers16 · 13/10/2018 18:40

I really do not see the problem with siblings coming to the party to be honest- I always mention to the parents that they will have to wait for food till last and may not be a party bag etc... I organised a party for 60 (2 reception classes) and had loads of people apologising for bring siblings and I was not fussed at all- just explained about food etc...
However I would always ask if my other child could go if I needed to take a sibling to a party- not just turn up (I try not to bring siblings tho as feel that it is the childs who is invited party to enjoy and not have sibling joining in all the time) xx

LividAtDolphins · 13/10/2018 18:42

I don't get why the other mum was so reluctant to drop off her DD8 and leave. Why would you want to hang around unnecessarily? She's 8!!

pollymere · 13/10/2018 18:46

I know I'm late on the thread, but I remember having bought six of everything and someone wanting to bring a small sibling. When I pointed out this wasn't a good idea (table only had six chairs), c.f. Mum said the sib could share! She wouldn't take no for an answer and creepily stayed and watched the whole party where sib was too small and didn't want to play the games. She also wanted to check all the food was halal and pork free at the actual party (and not when she'd RSVP ed). As dd preferred turkey ham, everything was halal anyway by sheer chance, even the jelly was vegetarian!

Sometimes I think people would rather put themselves out than be wrong!

Frouby · 13/10/2018 18:49

In this situation it's nice to say the sibling can come BUT there may not be a party bag or food, but if we get no shows (which you probably will) there may be an extra place, so bring a picnic and distract at bag handing out time.

Sometimes childcare is difficult, drop and run is fine if you have a car etc. However at soft play places have always said 'have paid for x places, if everyone shows up you will have to pay'. But I would say no of it was a place with limited space like at home.

LyndaLaHughes · 13/10/2018 18:57

I think it's extremely rude not to ask about siblings. It should also be done in such a way that makes it completely clear that it's ok to say no and that any cost would be met by the guest. We had one party attendee bring their random cousin, who I had never met, to an expensive per head party. In front of me without asking me the parent asked the cousin if she wanted to stay. I felt mortified but did speak up and say numbers were limited but was gobsmacked at the actual cheek, never mind this poor disappointed child who I had to turn away after she'd said she wanted to stay. I felt awful but who does that? To top it all they didn't bring as much as a birthday card or say thank you at the end. Some people are unbelievable.

RainbowBriteRules · 13/10/2018 18:59

Totally normal round here for siblings to stay and for more than one adult to stay at the party - it’s a social occasion. Always loads of food anyway as lots doesn’t get eaten but people often bring a packed lunch for the sibling. Party bags - I always have 10 or so extra just in case - I don’t do expensive party bags anyway. Soft play type things people pay extra for siblings, the normal entry price. Church hall parties it is assumed siblings will come but they would not expect a party bag. Usually people set up a little toddler / baby area.

Activity parties where numbers are strictly limited are different. Even then if possible I would (and have) invited less kids to allow room for siblings. Must be a regional thing? People usually ask but not always.

Maisymoo22 · 13/10/2018 19:04

I always invited the whole class to my dds parties which we usually held at soft play.
Catered for far too many and always did extra party bags for the siblings I knew would inevitably turn up.
I was blessed though with family who helped me out by making food so realise that not everyone can do this.

Maisymoo22 · 13/10/2018 19:06

Plus the fact that there would be quite a few no shows so plenty to go round with loads left over...enough for people to take home in doggy bags.

ItWentDownMyHeartHole · 13/10/2018 19:08

We had a very welcome and invited child turn up for my DS’s birthday party (8) along with his dad looking sheepish and the boy’s older sister wearing her party dress. Clearly Mum had sent dad with both kids expecting me to be polite and have the insanely difficult older girl. I did. And she got a party bag...what a sucker!!

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 13/10/2018 19:11

I'd just make it clear that you can only provide for the invited guests.

CupMug · 13/10/2018 19:17

I wonder how the party went 👀

Anushka · 13/10/2018 19:20

I have read this with a wry smile! Dd'sfriend sister is only a year younger and her mum always brought younger sibling to parties usually not asking just turning up but I remover one year being asked to provide an invitation for a pay to play venue as she was upset. Everytime we have acomodated thus to keep the peace and also because I felt bad (a it to dds annoyance on occasion). Fast forward to dds friends mid teen birthday where dd has been told specifically this year friend had had to limit invites and she's not invited out of their friendship group. Never mind, everyone's got different ideas of what's fair. Going back would I have refused, no probably not but done people.

Tinkobell · 13/10/2018 19:27

I'd say "sorry no can do, I think the 3 year olds would be overwhelmed and itll be very busy....no other 3 year olds coming anyway"

eddielizzard · 13/10/2018 19:28

rtft