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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re siblings etiquette at birthday parties

391 replies

dontyouforgetaboutme · 12/10/2018 10:50

So am not sure if AIBU or the other mums. It's my DDs 8th birthday party tomorrow and one mother has texted me to ask if it's ok to bring her 3 year old - she can play with another 3 year old who is coming. Well no one has checked with me re the other 3 year old coming. It appears it's been assumed they can . I am having the party in a hall, but have exactly the right number of party plates and cups, and party bags full of plastic crap.

So my AIBU is that I am pissed off and feel like saying no to the CFs, or should I just chill out. Both parents on the scene so no childcare issue with either family I am aware of. I would never dream of assuming another DC could come to a birthday party. Am I missing something?

OP posts:
titchy · 12/10/2018 17:13

Just text 'No problem. Thanks for letting me know she won't be able to come'

Polite, but doesn't make you look like a mug.

Bet she turns up anyway...

NoFucksImAQueen · 12/10/2018 17:18

CF was VU not to ask but you are BU to think that just because both parents are present that childcare isn't an issue. my DH works every Saturday as it's his busiest day.
also I'm not sure why you were so miffed at the other mum, she asked.

NailsNeedDoing · 12/10/2018 17:20

If it really matters to your dd that CFdd is there, then say that the younger sibling can come but as you weren't asked, you haven't catered for any extras so she might want to bring a packed lunch. And maybe put in some PA comment about how surprised you are because it never occurred to you that a NT 8 year old wouldn't be capable of staying at a party for a couple of hours without a parent.

Hwory · 12/10/2018 17:24

What a cheeky cow tell her such a shame see you at school.

Devilishpyjamas · 12/10/2018 17:25

Is there any reason the 8 year old can’t be left? Does she get upset being left at parties? I know some kids can be a nightmare being dropped off, even at that sort of age (although unusual by 8).

I think I would reply saying ‘That’s a shame, it’s absolutely fine to drop off 8 year old - no need to stay’ then leave it.

anniehm · 12/10/2018 17:34

Why are parents staying at an 8 year olds party, they just drop off and pick up a couple of hours later. Seems very odd to stay, I never encountered that beyond 3

sunglasses123 · 12/10/2018 17:41

I laughed at a previous PP which said how many of us are thinking we have done something like this before and thought it normal to shove a child 5 years younger into the mix for allsorts of worthy reasons.

I absolutely haven't done this and my children are 5 years apart in age. They are grown up now but looking back there WERE parents who would just turn up with other kids who looked longingly at the fun that was going on. One parent said she would stay with her toddler and if there was a spare sandwich going that would be most welcome. As others have said its not about the food. Its the party bags, the games that the little ones come last in and the way it changes the dynamics.

I think some parents just don't think. Or they make excuses to themselves as to why others must allow siblings to attend. Single parent, hair appointment etc. Its not going to change is it. There are always going to be CF's.

Feefeetrixabelle · 12/10/2018 17:56

Stick to your guns and reply oh well that’s a shame maybe next time- I’m sure she will cope once she realises your not running a fucking crèche. Your daughter will be so busy enjoying her party she won’t focus on her absence too much.

OneToThree · 12/10/2018 18:06

I would expect siblings to come to a party like this if parents were staying. There wouldn’t be a chair at the food for them though and there wouldn’t be a party bag at the end for them. It wouldn’t bother me at all if they joined in with the games or disco or whatever party it is.

BewareOfDragons · 12/10/2018 18:13

I don't think that's fair to the 8 year old whose party is being celebrated if she doesn't want toddlers and little ones running around and potentially ruining her party through their behaviour and demands (for food, party bags, trying to join in, etc) when they were invited..

Whereismumhiding2 · 12/10/2018 18:14

@DisappearingGirl makes a reasonned point, but this isn't a family OP knows well & OP has said No. And for PP who said 'just because other parent is home doesnt mean they are available', funnily enough us lone parents - who never have option of second parent at home- seem to manage to not impose our other uninvited DC on parties just fine! (We take them for a walk or to nearest cafe or back home! Or we drop off other invited DC & arrange lift home for our DD with those parents. )

The friends' mums don't have to stay either! Unless their child has SEN to require parent supervision, or it was as scary activity like dry slope skiing or something, there is no reason an 8 year old (Year 3), can't be dropped off.

If an 8 yo unusually can't cope with a small party without Mum there, the mum would have known this when she accepted & had plenty of time to ask or to make other arrangements rather than try to last minute railroad her preschooler into an 8 year old girls party who doesn't want them there.

I agree that other Mum who asked isn't CF, as she accepted OP's response. But her first text had sounded like she'd had convo with CFMum that their 3 y.o.s would attend the party uninvited to play together! It's just as easy for those two women to have a conversation about one of them looking after both 3 year olds for a playdate at their house whilst party goes on!

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 12/10/2018 18:16

I dealt with this but with 2 older vaguely known step-siblings. I knew if they came then they'd take over the party. The parents said none could go if they weren't all invited.

I stood firm but they still turned up with the invited guest at the start of the party to drop off a card and present. We stood at door to stop the older boys pushing in. The invited guest was really upset and my child was upset too. They wouldn't leave and stood by the door as all the other guests arrived.

Everyone thought I was being harsh to the invited guest but they knew the older boys weren't that great with younger kids and I was annoyed the parents were being so rude and trying to guilt me into doing what they wanted.

Racecardriver · 12/10/2018 18:20

@marylou no actually. You see I have manners so I do not turn up anywhere univited/bring uninvited guests/enquire about invitations for people who are not invited (even though I know the invitation will sometimes be implied but I would rather not put the host on the spot as in this case when they have poor hosting manners). Likewise I never exclude people in invitations. When I make invitations to families the whole family is invited. When I make invitations all relevant children will be invited (so this includes siblings, the whole class, if children from a particular social circle are invited the all of the children will be invited and so on), when I host parties or other get together for adults again the entire social circle will be invited not just some, I don't exclude partners or single people etc. It's basic consideration that as a good host one must have. It's interesting. The British have one of the most advanced systems of street etiquette but good hosting etiquette is limited to the upper classes (where admittedly it is impeccable as all other forms of British etiquette are).

Sallystyle · 12/10/2018 18:26

I really don't think it is a big deal. I know it is fun to stick it to CFs on MN but this is not a battle I would choose to fight.

Yes, it is cheeky, but really, it isn't that huge a deal.

I would have explained that I have not done enough party bags for them. The two three years old could have played together and your daughter could still have her friend there. Whilst the outcome is not your fault OP and they are cheeky, I would not have gone down the route you did. I would have had a moan about them being cheeky and forgot about it, as long as I wasn't expected to watch the toddlers myself it doesn't really matter.

I am all for accommodating people though as long as it doesn't put me out hugely.

fifithefoof · 12/10/2018 18:27

Jesus. I personally would never forgive myself if I caved but do what you need to op!

bershetmelon · 12/10/2018 18:29

I'd reply something along the lines of of 'oh that's so unfortunate, I'll make sure dd brings her party bag to school on Monday'

I'd then send a group text/WhatsApp/email saying there seems to have been some misunderstanding r.e. Party invitations and unfortunately siblings are not invited on this occasion however parents are more than welcome to drop off invitees and collect at the end. (Just in case anyone else is planning similar to cf)

GiveMeAllTheGin8 · 12/10/2018 18:31

Stand your ground! There's no way an 8 year old can't be left

Whereismumhiding2 · 12/10/2018 18:33

@Racecardriver Then you are exactly the CF that is likely not to have your DC invited again then, after first time or whom will be dreaded even if people tolerate your rudeness. Since you are unilaterally imposing some unusual standard on other people, against the norm, and being sanctimonious about it.

There are different types of parties, very few 8 year olds, at a time they want to start choosing, that want a generic everyone else's family party forced upon them for their birthday, if they have said they instead want a themed one with selected close friends.

Impositioning others, when they have said it's not what they want, is the absolute height of bad manners in decent society.

Whereismumhiding2 · 12/10/2018 18:42

@U2HasTheEdge, it was some pages back but did you read my horror story of the 12 uninvited siblings that ran riot & ruined my DD's party?! As it's never just the odd one extra, once ppl see or think other uninvited siblings are/will be there, they stay too!!

arethereanyleftatall · 12/10/2018 18:48

Please do not cave op.
I hate this shit. A cheeky fucker makes the other person out to be the bad guy, when it's them. It's like the split the bill people who know full well they've had far more than another. However you word your response, don't apologise, you've done nothing wrong.
No one I know wouldn't drop and run at 8.

eddielizzard · 12/10/2018 18:50

My dd's party was ruined by an uninvited sibling. He was so disruptive that my DH asked his mum to take him out so the rest could relax and enjoy - and she refused!! It was awful.

Dollymixture22 · 12/10/2018 18:56

It’s very rare for an eight year old to need her mummy with her at a party - is there a special needs issue?

Drop and run usually starts around 6.

crimsonlake · 12/10/2018 18:58

Agree call her bluff and see what happens. In future make it clear it is a drop and go party. Totally ridiculous that this is not the norm anyway. You have enough on your plate without having to cater for siblings. Do not get me started when children ask for party bags for their siblings at the end of the party....!

LexieLulu · 12/10/2018 18:58

I don't understand why people would do this, as you've said she can drop off her DD? So it's not like you've not offered to help if she doesn't have child care?

Entitled CF

AndersArms · 12/10/2018 19:00

Agree call her bluff. Here it tends to be drop and run from age 5 onwards.