Cutietips · 12/10/2018 11:21
Have you posted before OP? Because this sounds really familiar. It’s definitely easier to be angry with all of us and yourself than to take steps to change things going forward. But really the past isn’t going to change and the future is unpredictable, so there is only the present you can influence. No one can tell you what you need to do to make your heart sing but also no one can make things happen for you. Believe me, I’ve felt like you do at times in my life and the only way of improving it is to do something a) different to what your doing now and b) outside your comfort zone. Staying where you are is just going to result it feeling like you do now,
CSIblonde · 12/10/2018 11:21
If you see any 'baby step' solution or advice as 'simplistic' youre either so depressed you've lost logic & perspective or, you've labelled yourself 'failure', being happy is actually scary & you're in a self sabotage pattern you keep repeating. To that end I'd start with challenging your negative thoughts with CBT for Dummies then go from there with Counselling as well. Until you change your outlook you'll be stuck repeating your 'bad choices' behaviour pattern. Our behaviour template is set in childhood so it's very hard to change, but it is possible.
MinaPaws · 12/10/2018 11:24
Brilliant post from @ThisIsTheFirstStep It explains perfectly what I was trying to say. Please read it and take on board what is said. Tiny steps that don;t feel like they make a difference actually will. Advice offered isn;t an immediate solution to a deep-set problem, it's a step towards the solution. And it's a step away from the problem. Like that advice about a walk. I used to think: Great. I've been for a walk/to yoga/met a friend, and here I am, back home feeling as shit and low as I did. But I didn't recognise that while walking/stretching, chatting I flet a tiny bit less shit. oNly during that time. The feeling never lasted. But it was a break. Stitch a few of those together and you get a whole morning or evening off from feeling shit. Do that a few times a week, then every day and suddenly you've nto felt self-hatred for a whole day or two in a row. And then you start to retrain your neural pathways towards happier states.
Jenasaurus · 12/10/2018 11:25
If this helps you Op, I will share my experience and how things I thought wouldnt every improve, did
I was over 50k in debt in an abusive relationship, my DM was battling alzeimers and terminal cancer, I lost my job and was facing the prospect of being on the streets - this was in 2016
Today, I have my own flat, a lovely new job, freedom from my abusive relationship and am debt free. All of this I thought not possible, I was in a very dark place and I am 53 now and happier than ever. If you message me I can try and help you if you want.
ravenmum · 12/10/2018 11:27
What is your plan then, sandie? Continue beating yourself about the head with your regrets as a form of self-flagellation? Share your regret with other people so that when they suggest solutions you can pooh-pooh them? I can't say that either of those options is any cleverer than what people have suggested here.
MinaPaws · 12/10/2018 11:27
"I have to live with me"
"I'm not living with another unkind person"
But you are living with the unkind person inside you. If you saw someone talking to a difficult child the way you talk to yourself and had the power to get them to change their tone and content, would you? What would you get them to say? What would be the benefits? Can you see you;d benefit in a similar way from a kinder inner voice?
Cutietips · 12/10/2018 11:27
Sandlebeech I meant that there was a poster who wrote in a similar style to you and I wondered if you had posted about this subject before.
It’s not about whether your happy day to day it’s about whether you continue to do the same things you’ve always done and somehow expect things to be different.
Mrsharrison · 12/10/2018 11:30
It's best to tackle the anger at yourself for making those bad choices. Your upbringing would have contributed to making those bad choices. Counselling would help you to view the reason for your pattern of behaviour. It will teach you to have compassion for the child you were. It wasn't all your fault.
I have been you. Counselling helped me look back and see the inevitably of the choices I made.
On paper I'm a bit of loser. But I can honestly say at the age of 55 I have more contentment than ever before.
sandiebeech · 12/10/2018 11:34
Yes but - and we keep going back to this - it wouldn’t impact anybody else
If I had a friend who had run up loads of debt in my name so my finances are in a complete mess I would be fucked off with her and wouldn’t consider her a friend!
The thing is ThisIs, I don’t sit inside crying. Like I say I do the day to day stuff ok. Long term it’s different.
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