To think I’ve really arsed my life up beyond repair?

[sandiebeech]

I’ve made so many bad decisions and they’ve led me to where I am now. I regret it.

Would you be so harsh on someone else? If not, why so unkind to yourself - how will that improve anything?

Yes but it’s not the same devil as I have to live with me.

What do you like doing OP? Even if it is just one tiny thing, like eating a bar of chocolate and watching your favourite programme. Is there anything that brings you a bit of comfort?

Have you posted before OP? Because this sounds really familiar. It’s definitely easier to be angry with all of us and yourself than to take steps to change things going forward. But really the past isn’t going to change and the future is unpredictable, so there is only the present you can influence. No one can tell you what you need to do to make your heart sing but also no one can make things happen for you. Believe me, I’ve felt like you do at times in my life and the only way of improving it is to do something a) different to what your doing now and b) outside your comfort zone. Staying where you are is just going to result it feeling like you do now,

Why do you want to live with someone so fucking unkind then? If you were a partner behaving so nastily everyone would be saying LTB! So LTB...Start being nicer to yourself.

If you see any 'baby step' solution or advice as 'simplistic' youre either so depressed you've lost logic & perspective or, you've labelled yourself 'failure', being happy is actually scary & you're in a self sabotage pattern you keep repeating. To that end I'd start with challenging your negative thoughts with CBT for Dummies then go from there with Counselling as well. Until you change your outlook you'll be stuck repeating your 'bad choices' behaviour pattern. Our behaviour template is set in childhood so it's very hard to change, but it is possible.

In total agreement CSI and I’d also recommend Radical Acceptance and DBT.

I have no idea what and where you mean cutie so it’s not possible for me to answer that.

I’m not a new poster.

I’m happy enough day to Day. It’s the long term that’s different.

I’m not schizophrenic devil

I am me. One person. I’m not living with another unkind person.

What realistic changes would you like to make to your life?

Brilliant post from @ThisIsTheFirstStep It explains perfectly what I was trying to say. Please read it and take on board what is said. Tiny steps that don;t feel like they make a difference actually will. Advice offered isn;t an immediate solution to a deep-set problem, it's a step towards the solution. And it's a step away from the problem. Like that advice about a walk. I used to think: Great. I've been for a walk/to yoga/met a friend, and here I am, back home feeling as shit and low as I did. But I didn't recognise that while walking/stretching, chatting I flet a tiny bit less shit. oNly during that time. The feeling never lasted. But it was a break. Stitch a few of those together and you get a whole morning or evening off from feeling shit. Do that a few times a week, then every day and suddenly you've nto felt self-hatred for a whole day or two in a row. And then you start to retrain your neural pathways towards happier states.

If this helps you Op, I will share my experience and how things I thought wouldnt every improve, did

I was over 50k in debt in an abusive relationship, my DM was battling alzeimers and terminal cancer, I lost my job and was facing the prospect of being on the streets - this was in 2016

Today, I have my own flat, a lovely new job, freedom from my abusive relationship and am debt free. All of this I thought not possible, I was in a very dark place and I am 53 now and happier than ever. If you message me I can try and help you if you want.

I’m happy enough day to Day. It’s the long term that’s different.

do you think you are scared of the future? of becoming old? is it money or personal relationships that mainly worry you?

What is your plan then, sandie? Continue beating yourself about the head with your regrets as a form of self-flagellation? Share your regret with other people so that when they suggest solutions you can pooh-pooh them? I can't say that either of those options is any cleverer than what people have suggested here.

"I have to live with me"
"I'm not living with another unkind person"
But you are living with the unkind person inside you. If you saw someone talking to a difficult child the way you talk to yourself and had the power to get them to change their tone and content, would you? What would you get them to say? What would be the benefits? Can you see you;d benefit in a similar way from a kinder inner voice?

Sandlebeech I meant that there was a poster who wrote in a similar style to you and I wondered if you had posted about this subject before.

It’s not about whether your happy day to day it’s about whether you continue to do the same things you’ve always done and somehow expect things to be different.

Glad to hear things turned round for you jen

Look, I have heard the ‘be kind to yourself’ thing before and I think it is helpful to some I am sure.

But for me - no. I have to face up to the fact I’ve ruined my life if I am ever going to claw back some of it.

I didn't say you were schizophrenic, OP. But you need to stop punishing and hating yourself for bad decisions: If someone else was doing that to you, it'd be considered abusive.

It's best to tackle the anger at yourself for making those bad choices. Your upbringing would have contributed to making those bad choices. Counselling would help you to view the reason for your pattern of behaviour. It will teach you to have compassion for the child you were. It wasn't all your fault.
I have been you. Counselling helped me look back and see the inevitably of the choices I made.
On paper I'm a bit of loser. But I can honestly say at the age of 55 I have more contentment than ever before.

ThisIsTheFirstStep brave, honest and inspiring post. Out of interest, what made you start to be able to take some of the advice on board and make little changes?

Thisisthefirststep, thank you for your post, it gave me goosepimples.
I hope you are ok.
Sandie why do you hate yourself? Would you hate somebody else for doing the things you’ve done?

I have to face up to the fact I’ve ruined my life if I am ever going to claw back some of it.
You said you've done the first part. What about the second?

Yes but - and we keep going back to this - it wouldn’t impact anybody else

If I had a friend who had run up loads of debt in my name so my finances are in a complete mess I would be fucked off with her and wouldn’t consider her a friend!

The thing is ThisIs, I don’t sit inside crying. Like I say I do the day to day stuff ok. Long term it’s different.

Well, you're good at deciding which questions to answer; the easy ones to dismiss. Keep up the good work!