To think I’ve really arsed my life up beyond repair?

[sandiebeech]

I’ve made so many bad decisions and they’ve led me to where I am now. I regret it.

[AtrociousCircumstance]

You are attached to your depression, it’s what you continue to create every day.

That will be hard to give up, especially since you believe there will be nothing in return.

What do you want to do about how you feel?

[RickOShay]

Yes you would be fucked off with a friend, but would you hate her and want to grind her down?

[TheStoic]

I’m happy enough day to Day. It’s the long term that’s different.

I know exactly what you mean. I actually said this to a friend just the other day.

I avoid thinking about the future as much as possible.

[sandiebeech]

Whaaaaat raven?

I’m not depressed atrocious

I’m remarkably cheerful given the circumstances actually!

[sandiebeech]

stoic

[Racontuer]

Can I suggest you phone a Samaritans or someone like Breathing Space to anonymous discuss the actual problem. If we accept your problem is indeed unfixable then you need support and a strategy of dealing without the future and reality. You do though need to talk to someone about the actual problem. You came here for advice and we are all trying to give it but we really are just shooting in the dark without knowing. I can understand and appreciate you maybe don't want to share the details, or want the issue trivialised or simplified. But you are clearly looking for support and help, please have a think about how to get it. Whether here by giving more details or through someone like the Samritans or even your GP.

[Mamamanatee]

You sound depressed. You also sound as though you want an easy solution and you are getting cross with people who are trying to suggest things.

If you aren't depressed, you have a job then I fail to see how you are such a monumental fuck up.

[Racontuer]

*with the future

[sandiebeech]

Tbh I haven’t found Samaritans very helpful. I’m not knocking them, they are a great charity, but just as likely to trot out ‘have you considered joining a club’ as anyone.

It’s hard to explain

I’m not a recluse. I don’t sit rocking in a dark room day in day out weeping and sobbing.

I did have friends. Not really any more, but my friends have got kids now, we didn’t fall out or anything.

On the one hand you’d think I was normal. But I’m not.

[crochetmonkey74]

OP,
ThisIsTheFirstStep has written the definitive response really, everything else will follow from there in terms of the future I think.
I don't see the point of others trying to help or offer suggestions as you are ignoring most of us.

[NameChanger22]

I think you are stuck in a rut. You need to shake things up.

Can you do something radical? Like sell everything you own and travel the world. Or, put adverts out looking for friends? Or move to a different part of the country. .

Everybody makes bad decisions all the time because nobody knows the consequences of everything they do and nobody knows what the future will be. Most people aren't given great opportunities.

[TheStoic]

It’s possible to have very bleak thoughts without being depressed. I’d have thought that was just part of the human condition. It doesn’t necessarily need to be ‘fixed’.

[sandiebeech]

Yeah I agree it was a good post but it wasn’t applicable to me. That doesn’t mean it wasn’t a good post.

This is what I mean about people getting annoyed.

[BiscuitsAndGravy]

I feel the same OP. People will say "oh it's never too late" etc but sometimes shit is so fucked up that it really is beyond repair.

[crochetmonkey74]

What would apply to you then? What do you want to talk about?

[MissusGeneHunt]

@ThisIsTheFirstStep thank you, your post has given ME insight and a bit of light.

[Racontuer]

It sounds like you are kind of grieving the life you might have had, not that you are depressed or hugely upset about it but wishing it could have been different. Hence why you are saying 2 decades. Not that it's a midlife crisis but an awakening of where you are and how you ended up there. Isolated cause you didn't have kids (for whatever reason) whilst your friends did and relationships slided as a result. Again reaching out in the dark. You can dictate and change the future but don't let the past ruin it. Process it. Speak to someone.

[FloweringOrchid]

I understand the way you feel. We all have different circumstances but alot of us have been there. If only there was a magic fairy to wave a wand and make things better. Id take her up on the offer, but the hard truth is that we can only change these things ourselves. Even somebody with all the support in the world needs to find an inner focus to make change. Ive made a shit ton of bad decisions that ultimately left me as a single mum with nothing but my children to show for myself. Ive had to pull my finger out and change the direction of my life. Dont get me wrong, i procrastinated, i waited another week and another and another...but what is the point in delaying the chance to feel better? I have taken baby steps and small changes have led me to have the confidence to enrol on a college course. I am smashing it! Ive found my niche in science, have gained a hell of alot of confidence and praise and im only a month in. Im looking forward to the future. I havent been able to say that in over a decade. Please try. Identify what is making you feel this way and brainstorm a way of overcoming it. If one option doesnt work, dont beat yourself up - try again. You deserve to be happy and content but only you can do this

[RickOShay]

There are so many things i would do differently if I had my life again. I have many regrets.
I am grateful i don’t hate myself anymore though. I have managed to forgive myself for my fuck ups, that doesn’t mean I don’t find life bloody hard work most of the time.
Just try not to hate yourself Sandie.

[Sparklesocks]

I'm sorry OP. I'm not sure what you want from the thread but I'm sorry you're struggling.

[Mrsharrison]

Op, the fact is, you may have arsed up your life and you may not be able to repair it. Hard to say without specific details. What you consider bad choices, I might consider laughable.

If you're ok day to day, surely that's good enough?

[MyShinyWhiteTeeth]

As a child, very high expectations were placed upon me. I seem to have purposely fucked up all the opportunities I was given. I continue messing up but in a reduced way.

I'm not an idiot so don't understand why I won't let myself be successful. I'm not sure that my goals (are they really mine?) matter to me that much. I can't work out what I want in life that I can make the effort to aim for.

As my family give up on me I am feeling more able to actually have my own life. My goals are starting to become clearer. I'm in a crappy place right now but I have the time and space to get my head clear on what I want.

[Jenasaurus]

So you have run up debts in a friends name Op? I am guessing you were desperate when you did that, maybe needed help. How close were you to your friend, do you still communicate with her/him? If I were that person, I would be angry initially but depending on how the relationship was, I would want to understand you.

Sorry your feeling this way, but everyone does mess up in some way in their life

x

[sandiebeech]

It’s true biscuits unfortunately.

You can change things but drops in the ocean come to mind.

You sound a lot like me shiny, eerily so actually.

[sandiebeech]

Jen