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To think I’ve really arsed my life up beyond repair?

324 replies

sandiebeech · 12/10/2018 09:11

I’ve made so many bad decisions and they’ve led me to where I am now. I regret it.

OP posts:

AuntyJackiesBrothersSistersBoy · 12/10/2018 10:57

Lots of us have! I think we have regrets but as they goes on. Try if you can to treat each day as a fresh start. Small steps, OP.


oohyoudevilyou · 12/10/2018 10:59

It is sad if you wanted children and for whatever reason, don't/can't have them. Have you thought about nurturing something else.... maybe pets, a garden, creating a lovely home?


ThisIsTheFirstStep · 12/10/2018 11:01

I'm sorry you're suffering.


MinaPaws · 12/10/2018 11:01

You're posts tell us you're not mentally ill or suicidal, you haven't got a criminal past (or, I assume a criminal present) and you have a job. That is not a messed up life.
But it maybe a life in a deep, miserable rut due to past decisions. You really can change them. If you want to. Your fixed minset of 'and it will stay that way' is your biggest barrier. And your black and white thinking, 'I'm not interested in volunteering.' Volunteering can be anything from planting flowertubs and trees, to cuddling kittens to taking wheelchair bound people to rock concerts, to campaigning for a cause that matters to you. It's not a single unappealing activity. It's a vast range of possibilities where you could meet people you like and who like you back.
Honestly, you can't go wrong by trying to shake up yoru mindset. Try the mood gym . It was recommended to me on MN years ago when I was depressed. It's an online CBT course you do in private, on your own, at your own pace. It was really eye opening to me.
You could also take a look at some of the more helpful 'design your own life' self help blogs or books. You could try marc and angel which has hundreds of pages of useful resources, quizzes and advice.

Without you saying exactly what has gone wrong we can't help. But I do know when all the things you thought would matter in life for you have turned out bad, then it's incredibly hard to climb out and take steps to change. But honestly, you have only that choice: stay stuck and feel how you do, or make changes, even tiny, teeny ones, to improve your life.
I'm obsessed with this problem, having had it in the past a few times (I get clinical depression) and have worked my guts out to find out how to climb out of ruts like this. If you want to PM me, I can give you loads more resources, as I don't want to end up writing an essay on this thread.


sandiebeech · 12/10/2018 11:03

I don’t want to go into what’s wrong as people come up with simplistic solutions like the one above ‘get a pet.’ No offence to that poster but they can be quite upsetting. Then people get angry because you won’t take helpful advice.

OP posts:

mostdays · 12/10/2018 11:03

"It is never to late to be who you might have been" is one my my favourite quotes... and it's so true.


mostdays · 12/10/2018 11:04

*too late

Argh! Too too too!


sandiebeech · 12/10/2018 11:05

Unfortunately, like many quotes, it isn’t true

OP posts:

RangeRider · 12/10/2018 11:07

I don’t want to go into what’s wrong as people come up with simplistic solutions like the one above ‘get a pet.’ No offence to that poster but they can be quite upsetting.
But the only reason you get simplistic advice is BECAUSE you've not gone into what's wrong. If you give a vague idea of what's wrong (finances, love life, job, health etc.) then people can tailor their suggestions accordingly. If all you give is that you're lonely then the obvious suggestions are pets & volunteering, and you've turned them down flat. MN, for all its bad points, can actually be really good for support like this, but you have to give some input first.


sandiebeech · 12/10/2018 11:09

You know that isn’t true range

I don’t have kids:

Be an auntie to other people’s kids
Kids aren’t very nice anyway
You’re X age - I know someone who is 88 and had triplets last year

No money

Go to college
Go to uni
Get a better paid job
Get a second job


Join a club

OP posts:

ravenmum · 12/10/2018 11:10

OP I'll accept that it's too late for you to change anything, and you are stuck with the awful shitty life you have, and will spend the rest of it wallowing in regret about all the nice things you could have had if only you hadn't done whatever you did, and being angry with people when they suggest anything upbeat. May as well be true to yourself, right?


RangeRider · 12/10/2018 11:10

"It is never too late to be who you might have been" is one my my favourite quotes... and it's so true.
I was going to disagree and say that I'm never going to be famous for my exploits on Everest given my age and unfitness, but actually if I really wanted to that much I could lose weight & get fit, learn to climb and make enough money to get on an Everest expedition. Okay, given that getting out the front door is hard work, getting all the way there might be a big ask but if I really wanted it....


MinaPaws · 12/10/2018 11:11

You say 'like many quotes, it isn't true.' Not 100% true but not less true than "my life is shit and it will stay that way.'

If you wanted children and don't have them, that is a huge gap in your life, and no amount of 'get a pet' or 'take pleasure in friends and siblings' children' will help. Because that's not what you wanted.

Not having a child if you are past child bearing age will always be a hole in your life. But it can be a hole in a full and happy and exciting life. Or a gaping chasm in an empty life. That you do have control over.


FissionChips · 12/10/2018 11:11

Wallowing in self absorbed pity won’t improve your life.
We have all fucked up, many of us repeatedly. It happens, all you can do is try to make better choices.


oohyoudevilyou · 12/10/2018 11:12

People aren't giving simplistic solutions - just offering suggestions of things that are well known to create a feeling of wellbeing in many many people. Of course getting a cat won't replace having children, but if you're 48 with no partner, then wishing for children isn't going to help either. FWIW getting outdoors, volunteering, caring for pets or being creative (painting, gardening, sewing etc) are proven to be good for us mentally emotionally and physically.


ThisIsTheFirstStep · 12/10/2018 11:12

OP, people come up with simplistic solutions because there are only simple solutions in the main. Unfortunately, to make big huge changes, it takes years and years of effort and hard work and self help and therapy and patience. Trust me, I know, I've been there (15 years of BPD, I had NOTHING no friends/job/family/home.)

I also used to get INCREDIBLY pissed at people suggesting I 'go for a walk to calm down' or 'drink a cup of tea'. How DARE they suggest, in the face of my immense despair and sadness, that a walk would CURE me? I'm suicidal and you're telling me to go for a WALK?

But what no one ever fully explains is that no one is suggesting that the walk is going to cure you or even make you feel better. But what might happen is that it stops you being quite so inside your head. Just for a few minutes. The breeze on your face might feel good, or you might notice a nice flower. The endorphins might perk you up just enough that you manage to eat something or read a page of a book. Or, nothing might happen. But at least when someone asks you what you did yesterday, you can say 'I went for a walk' and that's 100 times better than 'I stared at the walls and cried'. You change, just slightly. You are a person who goes for a walk instead of a person who stares at the walls and cries.

Trust me when I say I used to go on online forums and we'd all laugh hysterically at the 'go for a walk' or 'drink a cup of tea' suggestions from our mental health care team. And now, do you know what I do when I feel bad? Yeah. I go for a walk or I drink a cup of tea.

People are suggesting small, simple things because the big, daunting things are probably beyond you right now. What else can they do? Say 'go to fucking years of expensive and painful therapy and relearn how to be a person and change every bad and shitty habit you have that is making you feel like this and take drugs that sometimes make you feel worse and so on and so on'? No one is going to say that!

People are trying to help. In their small, clumsy way. This is me trying to help, in my small, clumsy way. From someone who has been there, I get that the advice is irritating. But it's all people have. And sometimes, in some small tiny way, it helps.


MistressoftheYoniverse · 12/10/2018 11:12


RangeRider · 12/10/2018 11:15

I disagree OP. You've just proved that there are solutions to most problems. You're lonely - why would joining a club (or evening classes) be a bad idea? It would get you out of the house, you'd meet new people even if you didn't strike up great friendships, you could learn something new that you could take forward to another group...


MinaPaws · 12/10/2018 11:15

You are deeply resistant to solutions. Have you tried the ones above and found they all failed? If not, why be so sure they are a pile of rubbish that would make no difference. They won;t all work, but they could lead to a fuller life. And I know from experience that doing something - anything - different just to get out of a rut can lead you to fantastic happy adventures, more money - all sorts of interesting ways to live and enjoy life. I know this because I've tried all the advice you are rejecting. And I tried it when I really didn't want to. And stuck at it when I felt nothing. Nothing at all. The depression was so deep and fierce I just went through the motions for months and months, doing stuff that was supposed ot help me feel better. then suddenly one day I realised I did feel a bit better and was more engaged and because of all the stuff I'd mechanically kept doing, I had contacts and income and wasn't too unhealthy and unkempt, and was in the right frame of mind to make some really great choices.

If you could wave a agic wand and do three things in life, what would they be?


sandiebeech · 12/10/2018 11:15

No self absorbed pity here.

I don’t feel sorry for myself, I’m angry with myself and I hate myself. I recognise and take responsibility for what I’ve done.

OP posts:

MinaPaws · 12/10/2018 11:16

magic, not agic.
I don't mean that question flippantly. It's not a time waster. It's to see what might make you happy.


sandiebeech · 12/10/2018 11:16


I don’t want getting out of the house. I’m not a complete recluse. If I wanted to leave the house, guess what, I open the door and go out.

OP posts:

RangeRider · 12/10/2018 11:17

And sometimes, in some small tiny way, it helps.
Even if it just says 'someone who doesn't even know me can be bothered to give a shit - life can't be so unsalvageable'


MinaPaws · 12/10/2018 11:17

If you are angry with yourself and hate yourself, you probably do have depression at some level.

You can't stay like this OP. It's too miserable. But you seem so deeply dismissive of and resistant to suggestions. Why?


ravenmum · 12/10/2018 11:18

How old are you? Once you get into your 80s, people will stop coming to you with ideas and just accept the fact that you are permanently miserable.

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