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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I am missing out. How can I change this?

105 replies

userfriendly55 · 11/10/2018 21:28

I am a granny to 2 wonderful grandkids who live 45 mins from us .
We looked after the eldest when her brother was born but we have not spent any alone time since and that was 4 months ago.
I feel like I am missing out . We are invited round once a month or so as my DS works some weekends and they are busy with activities . Each time they are different. Especially the baby. The eldest is going to school next year and I feel like I have missed out on her preschool years . When I see their other grandmother with them it is obvious that they spend more time together. The baby doesn’t know me at all

DS has suggested helping with the school run next year but I am not good at driving distances on A roads etc , and also I have had health scares this year. I am exhausted all the time and find it difficult to prepare nice meals etc for them to come over yet we are never invited over for meals at the weekends.
How can I try for all of us to spend more time together??

OP posts:
IsBabyHereYet · 11/10/2018 21:30

You could see them more often but definitely don't expect alone time with the children - ESPECIALLY not the baby!

Perhaps suggest once a month meal at your home and once a month at theirs.
Then you could see your DIL with the kids during the week perhaps?

DryIce · 11/10/2018 21:34

Are you saying you can't drive to them or host them? That does make it logistically difficult to see them a lot, especially if your son works some weekends.

Could you meet half way somewhere for lunch or a catch up?

Blessthekids · 11/10/2018 21:40

If you are too tired to prepare meals then Maybe a takeaway night once a month which you host.
Have you spoken to your son about the way you feel?

Original poster
userfriendly55 · 11/10/2018 21:53

I should have said that my dil has a gluten allergy which makes it difficult to prepare meals for her and I am terrified of making her ill . I don’t think she can eat a lot of takeaways. I haven’t had them to sleep over a lot , the 3 year old is absolutely full on and exhausting .

My husband drives and is retired but isn’t as fussed about seeing them so wouldn’t want to drive there as often as I would want to go .

I have spoke to my ds and said I feel like I am missing out but he just tells us to move closer to them which we can not afford to do Sad

OP posts:
SavoyCabbage · 11/10/2018 22:01

It’s easier and easier to cook meals without gluten. And some every day meals don’t have gluten in in the first place. Meals don’t have to be an ordeal. Choose simple things.

I don’t see why anyone should have alone time with anyone’s children.

PinotAndPlaydough · 11/10/2018 22:03

We are in a similar situation except I’m the dil, mil doesn’t like to drive on busy roads and fil can’t drive. Neither myself or my husband can drive and the trains to them are very expensive. Despite living less than an hours drive away they see my children a handful of times a year. I’m learning to drive but it’s slow and expensive and once I pass getting a car will take a while. My eldest is 7 now and I really wish mil would take a few lessons to boost her confidence on the road because not only is she missing out so are my children.

Would that be an option for you? It seems if you felt able to drive yourself there life would be much easier. If not then getting them to visit you will be the next best thing but there’s always stuff going on with two small children. My husband also work weekends which makes things harder. If you could manage your driving phobia then vista during the week would probably be the best thing.

HellenaHandbasket · 11/10/2018 22:13

I'm a little confused as to what you would like to happen (genuinely, not disingenuously).

You don't want to drive to them because of your health and your husband isn't fussed

But don't really want to have them over as you are worried about cooking and energy levels.

So what would work for you? Again, that's a genuine question, tone is hard online. :-)

faeriequeen · 11/10/2018 22:17

Do you offer to babysit regularly?

Original poster
userfriendly55 · 11/10/2018 22:19

I think my husband would be willing to drive over once a week but I don’t think dil would invite us without ds there .
I suppose I would like them to invite us over more . We have come over for sandwiches and tea etc but not an actual “meal” since the baby was born . But I’m not about to invite myself .

I just feel a bit sad that my own Mum an dad lived round the corner from us and we saw them every weekend for lunch.

OP posts:
Original poster
userfriendly55 · 11/10/2018 22:22

No I don’t offer to baby sit regularly . I will do so if they ask , but its unfair on ds who often doesn’t see his daughter much during the week for us to have her At the weekend .

Baby is breastfed so can’t look after him for any period of time (wouldn’t expect to )

OP posts:
giggly · 11/10/2018 22:23

I’d say you need to host and buy some gluten free food for your dil. She has 2 children under 4 with a husband who works some weekends and you are looking for her to host you in their free weekendsHmm am I reading this right?
Personally I think you are being just slightly entitled and I think if you feel that you are missing out then you and your husband need to put a bit more effort in. Why can’t your husband take you even if he’s not fusse to see his grandchildren Hmm

HellenaHandbasket · 11/10/2018 22:24

You could suggest you alternate perhaps, one week you go to them with some lunch, one week she/they come to you? Or suggest meeting at somewhere suitable, a pub with playpark or similar?

hettie · 11/10/2018 22:26

Does the 'meal' matter or does seeing the kids matter? Because it seems like you've been invited over but just for sandwiches/ tea. You feel stressed about catering for Dil, maybe she's similar and stresses about meals...Is your ds out all week, is dil looking after 2 young kids on her own (therefore not much up for hosting famy meals)?

Badwifey · 11/10/2018 22:31

Op... Without sounding harsh.. you seem to be putting obsticals in your own way.

You are afraid to drive main roads, your husband won't drive you, you won't offer to babysit, you feel guilty taking your sons weekend time, you're afraid to cook for dil.

You are expecting to be invited over for meals etc. Why not just call and say I'm not doing anything sat. How about I drop over for a couple of hours in the afternoon... no pressure on anyone for meals to be made... or offer to meet them halfway where everyone is off the hook for cooking.

Meeting up with your own son shouldn't be such an ordeal that you seem to be making it out to be.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 11/10/2018 22:33

I suppose I would like them to invite us over more . We have come over for sandwiches and tea etc but not an actual “meal” since the baby was born

Why does it matter whether there is a "meal" on offer? Surely spending time with your GC is the goal here not a free lunch.

Badwifey · 11/10/2018 22:35

Also just to add... My in laws live a 4 hour drive away and even though I'm grateful they do come see us from time to time I also dread it as it puts huge pressure on me to organise lunches and dinners and some cake. (My husband is an awful cook). There is no expectation on me to provide for them but I fell like I HAVE to do it...

VimFuego101 · 11/10/2018 22:35

I imagine that with them both working and a new baby, proper meals and dinner guests are low on their priority list. I think you need to make an effort to host them, or visit them without expecting a meal - they're probably run ragged and don't want to play host.

Nettled · 11/10/2018 22:35

I think that as your and your DH have more leisure, you need to be the ones to make the effort. It seems to me that you are asking a lot of a family with two demanding small children, including a BF new baby, and one spouse who works away a lot, yet it’s not entirely clear to me what you actually want. You don’t want to cook more for them, or to drive more to them or do some school runs, and you find the older child exhausting, yet want alone time with her?

Gottalovethesummer · 11/10/2018 22:36

Have you thought about how tired they might be feeling with a toddler and a baby?

Iloveacurry · 11/10/2018 22:44

My ILs live about an hour away. We only see them once every 2 months roughly. I don’t think your situation is unusual.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 11/10/2018 22:48

Try to look at this from your DS and Dial's point of view.
They have a 4 month old BF baby and a preschooler you describe as "exhausting". Your DS works so much that he often doesn't see his kids during the week and weekends are often taken up with activities and work commitments but they still make an effort to invite you over once a month. You feel this isn't enough though and have complained to your DS that you feel you're "missing out". However, you aren't happy to drive to them and you don't want to invite them to yours because hosting is too tiring. You don't offer to babysit or help out in any way but would like your DS and DIL to have you over regularly for meals, tea and sandwiches aren't sufficient. Your DH "isn't fussed" about seeing the kids full stop.

To be perfectly honest OP, I think you're lucky to be invited over once a month as it all sounds very one sided. You want more time with the GC but you want it all on your terms.

Strawberryoxygenbubbles · 11/10/2018 22:53

PIL have started visiting DD weekly recently. They know DH & I both work so they turn up with ready meals for themselves or bring something to cook for us all. They don't act like guests- they arrive, play with DD, if they see something needs doing like DD's laundry, they'll offer to do it. They offer to feed her dinner to let us get on with tasks & will offer to bath her etc. I'd personally find it a bit strange if they expected to come regularly to a prepared meal and be waited on like guests.

Perhaps you could offer to visit & even bring nice M&S ready meals for everyone to avoid cooking? (MIL has a gluten allergy- there are large ranges available in M&S etc). They're probably stressed with 2 very young children & would welcome any help or meals- I know we are always grateful of it!

BarooSaidTheBear · 11/10/2018 22:55

Tell them what you want. Don't sit around worrying that you will get things wrong or be a inconvenience. If you can state your wishes clearly and say, this is how I'm feeling, this is my suggestion - how would you feel about it? - Hopefully they will be honest back.

funnylittlefloozie · 11/10/2018 23:03

In the nicest possible way, OP, you dont know what you want. If you are so unwell that even cooking a simple meal is exhausting for you, you really don't want to be in sole charge of an energetic pre-schooler, adorable and wonderful though she may be.

Talk to your son. Tell him that you'd like to see him and DIL and the kuds, and why dont you meet one afternoon at the weekend? Yours or theirs, whatever works for them. Just talk to him, he's your son ffs!

RainbowsArePretty · 11/10/2018 23:06

OP I don't think you'll like many of the comments her but I think Ministry has given a great summary.

I think you are viewing visits as being all about you. Reasons not to go/how you should be hosted. Why can you just expect a coffee & playtime?

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