Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

To think I am missing out. How can I change this?

105 replies

userfriendly55 · 11/10/2018 21:28

I am a granny to 2 wonderful grandkids who live 45 mins from us .
We looked after the eldest when her brother was born but we have not spent any alone time since and that was 4 months ago.
I feel like I am missing out . We are invited round once a month or so as my DS works some weekends and they are busy with activities . Each time they are different. Especially the baby. The eldest is going to school next year and I feel like I have missed out on her preschool years . When I see their other grandmother with them it is obvious that they spend more time together. The baby doesn’t know me at all

DS has suggested helping with the school run next year but I am not good at driving distances on A roads etc , and also I have had health scares this year. I am exhausted all the time and find it difficult to prepare nice meals etc for them to come over yet we are never invited over for meals at the weekends.
How can I try for all of us to spend more time together??

OP posts:

maddening · 12/10/2018 06:47

I would call dil and ask if she would like you to come over and all go out to a dgs friendly place, and then out for lunch with her and the dgc she might appreciate getting dgs out for an activity as it will be harder now with the baby to get out especially now the weather is turning. I also found going out easier and more fun than having visitors. Check out what's on in her area and make a few suggestions and ask what she fancies.

I also think that if they are happy for you to go and visit them then your husband should be more accommodating.

pictish · 12/10/2018 06:48

WEeekly IS a huge ask. You say you lived round the corner from your mum and dad and had lunch with them every weekend. We live round the corner from mil and her dh...we love them dearly but we sometimes don’t actually see them for weeks at a time because we all have other shit to do, commitments to honour and lives to live. Free time is a very limited commodity. If you’re hoping to be invited over for lunch every weekend while refusing to drive there yourself, you’ll be hoping forever more.

ThisIsTheFirstStep · 12/10/2018 06:48

Could you arrange to go for a meal halfway between your houses once every couple of weeks?

Your husband needs to step up majorly or miss out on having a relationship with his son/grandkids when he's older. People like that are baffling to me.

KC225 · 12/10/2018 06:58

Would your husband drive you there even if he didn't come in. Would you able to get a bus or a train?

Lots of the supermarkets her 'free from' ranges these days. I know as my SIL has complicated food choices. It doesn't have to be fancy. Soups, stews, curries can all be gluten free quite easily. You just need a but if confidence.

I think the trick is to build up your relationship with your DIL. If she has a BF 4 month old, then I am sure she would welcome you to come round and help build some Lego or read a story to the 4 year old.

cantfindname · 12/10/2018 07:00

OP I have all the same problems as you. I am in poor health, my driving is restricted because of this (not because I 'don't like driving on A roads' fgs) my daughter is extremely busy and DGS is a handful.

But, you know what, we manage to work round it without any of these dramas. I see a lot of my Grandson, who I adore, and we have a good bond. Neither my DD nor I have expectations of a 'nice meal' whenever we visit, unless specifically asked over to eat. A cuppa and a biscuit are more than fine. Neither do we make appointments to visit, DD will drop in at any time and often the first I know of it is an armful of Grandson as he runs to me.

Re-read your original post objectively - you are creating all of the obstacles yourself and then whinging about it and expecting a busy Mum and over-worked DS to accommodate all that you want with no real thought to the logistics of them either travelling with a new baby and a toddler for a relatively short visit or to catering for you in the fashion you desire.

You actually remind me of that silly advert where a visit from Gparents has to be a Royal occasion complete with trumpet fanfares.

Calledyoulastnightfromglasgow · 12/10/2018 07:10

My MIL saw my kids weekly on a Friday. In the end I had three babies. Sadly she is now dead.

She made it work. She arrived and would make her own cup of tea and actually brought her own lunch! She would look after the kids whilst I slept as I was exhausted with a similar set up to your DIL.

She would take two buses taking an hour and a half each way to do this. She used to hang up my washing and fold clothes and make soup for tea (and I’m gluten free and she managed!)

Of course we became close and I found her help utterly invaluable and so they would come for tea Sunday evening sometimes too.

When things became easier I managed more and would make her lunch but I have never forgotten the help I received and how grateful I was. Her health wasn’t brilliant either.

Sadly she became ill quickly with cancer and I was utterly devastated to lose her as I saw her as a second mother by the end. We were very close - unusually for a DIL arrangement. I think it’s because she offered to help but never interfered. I miss her!

It sounds like your DIL is only just managing and I think you might need to put yourselves out a little if you want to see the GC more.

TheRedRoom · 12/10/2018 07:10

I think you need to invite them to your home if you want to see them more. As a dil, I naturally gravitate more towards my own family than dh's (neither of our families live within a 2 hr flight of us, but even so we still see my family more than dh's). I love my Mil but it's a different relationship and therefore I spoke with her less often and saw her less regularly when my dc were very young, and thus my kids also saw her less than my own mum did when I wasn't working full time. My dh is the primary driver of our kids relationship with his parents. I think you need to invite them regularly if you feel you aren't seeing them enough and find a way around the food issue.

It is probably also worth asking if you can visit dil and the children during the week sometime and getting your dh to drop you off if he isn't keen. Suggest a day, ask what works for her.

TheRedRoom · 12/10/2018 07:13

I also think focusing on meals is the wrong way to think about it. Just hang out with the kids to play for an hour or so. There's no need for a meal or it to be long visits. Or offer to babysit on a weekday (maybe when baby is older) so your dil can get a haircut/go to dentist/whatever. Or you could offer to take the older child to the park or a movie or to visit a bookshop.

Calledyoulastnightfromglasgow · 12/10/2018 07:17

Agree about a day in the week to release your DIL. Could you manage the older child on your own for a while?

Your DIL might be happy for an hour or two to get stuff done if you read to the older child.

But - and I say this from experience - let her know it won’t be hard work and she will want to repeat it. Arrive with a wee book for the child. Make your own cup
if tea and hers. Ask if she wants a little kid down when the baby sleeps - even if you and the older child watch peppa pig together

I think your DH needs to pull his finger out too and drive you if you can’t drive

DonutCone · 12/10/2018 07:19

The focus on the meals is so odd. Is it only worth making more effort if you can get a free meal out of it?

twattymctwatterson · 12/10/2018 07:26

So you don't want to babysit, you don't want to host, you don't want to travel and it sounds like you think DIL should be providing you a meal when you visit too. OP I imagine your DIL sees more of HER OWN MUM because she makes life easier for her. You just sound like hard work

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 12/10/2018 07:28

I don't think it's the free meal as such - I think it's the (again, sorry, OP - slightly old-fashioned) perception that it's not a proper visit if a 'meal' is not involved, and that OP wants to be hosted/wanted. Could that be right, OP?

Quartz2208 · 12/10/2018 07:35

I agree what do you actually want. You want to see the children fine but you also want to be hosted by your DIL (because you dont want to interfere with your sons time) and want her to create an actual meal for you

I agree with PP you sound like hardwork.

If you were my MIL I would be happy for you to visit to spend time with the grandchildren and lessen my load - but you seem to want to increase it

lynmilne65 · 12/10/2018 07:36

My dgc are10&11 and have only spent 2 nights with me ☹️

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 12/10/2018 07:40

I too am with the majority of posters,sadly OP I feel you are being very unreasonable.Can you remember how hard it was way back dealing with a home,work,bills,shopping and young children?.You think you are exhausted? you might just want to try to think how the parents feel as I am pretty sure there won't be enough hours in the day for them at the moment.You will loose them if you continue in this vein.I would, with your can't be bothered prince of a husband ,rethink a little.There is an age old saying ,,you get more with sugar than with salt..Try supporting them a little and see what happens...you are doing yourself no favours here with your mindset.If I for one moment thought my grandchildren didnt know me I would be mortified.

Nellyelora · 12/10/2018 07:42

Perhaps you and @fcukfour should get together and offer mutual support

MakeAHouseAHome · 12/10/2018 07:46

Totally unreasonable!! Why you expect your DIL to host you and cook a proper 'meal' for you baffles me. If you want to see them, you make the effort. But as others have said, once a week is MORE than enough.

Volant · 12/10/2018 07:48

Do you by any chance have near you one of those shops/businesses that delivers pre-prepared meals to which you need to do very little more than heating them up? Or a shop that does upmarket frozen meals? Might that get around your cooking problem so you could ask the family round? You can easily specify gluten-free.

neveradullmoment99 · 12/10/2018 07:59

I don't see my grandson and haven't since he was born. He lives in another country and I cant afford to go over. They can come over but we don't really have that much space but would always find space if that's what they decide. My ds is always whatsapping me videos which keeps me up to date with how he is. He also phones me regularly. I think its different when you are the MIL. My DIL sees her mum and her own family much much more often than me. They know their grandson but I don't. I just accept it as that is the way it is.

neveradullmoment99 · 12/10/2018 08:01

What im saying is I think if it was my daughter who had the baby, I would see my grandchild more often. I was the same when my children were young. I saw my mum way more often than my MIL.

IsBabyHereYet · 12/10/2018 08:01

It sounds like you need to get to know your DIL a bit more.
I often go over to my MIL without DH if I need a break, we're not particularly close as we are very different people but we get along well enough and we both obviously love my children so it's worth the effort.
I had a great relationship with my grandparents so I am very eager for my kids to have that too.

IsBabyHereYet · 12/10/2018 08:05

@neveradullmoment99
I'm the opposite. I see my in laws at least once a week, my own parents maybe once a month. We all live similar distances and everyone drives but I'm just not that close to my parents.

SoyDora · 12/10/2018 08:08

I think the in law thing here is a red herring. The OP wants to see them more, but she doesn’t want to drive there, her DH doesn’t want to drive there and she doesn’t want to host as it’s exhausting and she doesn’t want to cook gluten free food. So she wants to see them more, but only on her very specific terms (she wants to invite them over for meals). Regardless of whether this was her parents or in laws it wouldn’t be reasonable.

primoestate · 12/10/2018 08:10

I don't believe the OP will come back to this thread.
We will all be at fault too.

Adversecamber22 · 12/10/2018 08:13

I think it's the old fashioned view of needing a proper dinner. Your DH and you could drive over and let your DIL know that you will be coming after you have had lunch so she doesn't have to trouble herself. Then turn up with a shop bought gluten free cake for her.

If you bought meat, veg and potatoes and gluten free gravy you could easily chuck it all in a slow cooker. Plus does your DH do stuff round the house?

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Swipe left for the next trending thread