To think I am missing out. How can I change this?

[userfriendly55]

I am a granny to 2 wonderful grandkids who live 45 mins from us .
We looked after the eldest when her brother was born but we have not spent any alone time since and that was 4 months ago.
I feel like I am missing out . We are invited round once a month or so as my DS works some weekends and they are busy with activities . Each time they are different. Especially the baby. The eldest is going to school next year and I feel like I have missed out on her preschool years . When I see their other grandmother with them it is obvious that they spend more time together. The baby doesn’t know me at all

DS has suggested helping with the school run next year but I am not good at driving distances on A roads etc , and also I have had health scares this year. I am exhausted all the time and find it difficult to prepare nice meals etc for them to come over yet we are never invited over for meals at the weekends.
How can I try for all of us to spend more time together??

Would you consider whatsapp ing them on a regular basis? Or skype or whatever. A video call. My kids don’t see their grandparents often as we live very far away but they feel like they know them well as we whatsapp at least once a week. It means when they do see each other there isn’t a period of “getting to know each other” as they already feel familiar.

They are probably exhausted and getting little sleep. Having a baby and a toddler is very demanding. To be honest, I think if you want to have a stronger relationship you need to find a way to get to them more, and be helpful when you are there. If spending time with you is a further drain on their energy when they are struggling then they will probably not see you as much. Sorry to be harsh.

Is there no way you would consider babysitting for the elder child? It would probably be a huge help to your ds and dil and would do wonders for your relationship with dgs.

Invite them for a Sunday roast , as long as you have stuffing, yorkshires and gravy separate DIL will be fine with meat, veg and potatoes, you could even look in the free from section of the supermarket and get gluten free gravy so she really feels you've made the effort. It might even become a nice tradition, every other Sunday for example

just wanted to pipe in to reassure you, my MIL and FIL live 3 hrs from us, my parents are involved day to day,

My DCS adore Grandma and Grandad and get so excited when they visit or we visit them. The children are now older and go to stay with grandparents for a few nights every summer but other than that we see them a few weekends a year yet they have still managed to develop a very close relationship.

The first year with each was difficult because of course they dont remember them from visit to visit but beyond that the distance hasn't mattered. They have their own traditions and rituals and have a wonderful relationship with the kids despite the distance and infrequency.

So it is possible!

My husband drives and is retired but isn’t as fussed about seeing them so wouldn’t want to drive there as often as I would want to go

Are you saying that if you wanted to go to visit your son he would refuse? If so he is a dick, he should know how much this means to you and care for that reason.

I assume this is not his son and grandchildren?

sorry OP, I'm a grandma too, and absolutely know that I have to make an effort if I want to see more of my DGC. If I wait until the time is 'convenient' it will happen far less than it does now.

How are you offering to help them? Have you asked what they need, and how you can help lift their load? Asked what they'd like from you? You seem to be making so many excuses and feeling sorry for yourself. That won't get you far, I'm afraid. Buck up, and participate - relationships take work, and it does not seem like you are willing to do that.

Sorry to be harsh. I know how missing your DGC feels

I’m not sure about the questions around whether you offer to help. I don’t think enjoying your grandchildren should be contingent on what you do for their parents in return.

However, you sound quite unreasonable. You find the older child exhausting, but want want to spend more time with him/her. You won’t drive to them, so expect them (after shift work and with a baby in tow) to come to you. But then you find having them over exhausting and can’t cater for the dil.

You seem to want a set-up which doesn’t exist: for you to be an integral part of your ds’s family life, with your ds and dil doing all the work and you dipping in and out as your energy levels allow. But you’re too far away, and have a DH who could take it or leave it. This isn’t going to happen.

I think what you should be asking for is advice on is how to deal with your regret that you’re not the kind of grandparent your grandparents were.

YABU. They have a very young family, your DS works some weekends and you want them to prepare meals and actively host you on the free weekends they actually have with each other? Wow.

OP, sorry but you sound a bit ridiculous! My daughter is ceoliac and while it was weird when she was first diagnosed it’s not that hard. If it’s a buffet I prepare her food first (cross contamination) or if a hot meal (and not all gluten free) I put her stuff in the top of the oven and anything not gf below. (I’ve also learnt to make proper amazing gravy using meat juices, wine and cornflour but still make a jug of bisto for the kids)

These are your issues:

Your bad health means you are exhausted all the time
You don’t like to drive
You don’t want to prepare meals

Unfortunately that means that you don’t get to see your grandchildren as much as the grandmother who doesn’t have these issues. (Though I don’t know why you are comparing, it’s not a competition.)

My sister is in a wheelchair. She doesn’t get to get to run with her children in the park. My grandfather has cataracts. He doesn’t drive any more. That’s just life, you need to accept that you can’t do all the things you want to do.

Could you ask her if you could visit once a fortnight for an hour or two? This is what my mil did before my daughter was old enough to go there.

Agree that you have put it all on them. It's very easy for you to invite them over and her gluten intolerance is no excuse not to - you can simply ask her to suggest a meal she can eat and you can prepare it. You could offer to babysit - you've said you don't offer. I'm sure they'd like a night off. It seem very odd to just sit there and wait for an invite when you could be inviting them. And also you've said you don't like to drive so how would you get to them anyway? Agree that you seem to be putting obstacles in your own way. From your replies too it seems clear that you've not really discussed this with the parents. Invite them over for dinner for goodness sake!

You put me in mind of my parents, OP.
Both DH and I work FT, him most weekends.
My DPs live around an hours drive away, DM retired, DDad works but has a lot of time off.

They are, I assume, currently not speaking to me as I won't pack up the kids to traipse over to their place every weekend. I won't bore you with the intricate logistics but they don't really make any effort.
Yet when they visit us they expect to be fed and waited upon, basically make a mess in my house and swan off again. They never offer to washes dishes or clear up after themselves. Have offered many times to meet up halfway or arrange something else- it's not good enough for them.
So I gave up and consequently haven't seen them since April.
I feel really sad for the kids and them missing out on so much. I had a close bond with my GPs growing up.
But they had done it to themselves.
I would strongly suggest you alter your mindset or you will quickly end up in a situation like mine.
Shorter, regular visits? Even half an hour to entertain the oldest or hold the baby while mum grabs a quick shower would be so appreciates. Or buy some gluten free food to being with you, a cake or snack to have with a quick cuppa. It doesn't need to be a huge production.
Good luck,Op.

Ah ffs so many typos, sorry.

I am envious of you living so close OP, with so many opportunities to see your GC; I live about 8 hours away from our dear wee GD & we have only seen her so far twice. But lots of skype calls, video clips on messenger & txt messages keep us in touch. As grandparents I think we need to make an effort, young parents are busy nowadays. I agree with others too that the visits dont have to be proper, formal, meal type, be entertained etc - just call in, play with the older GC, have loads of cuddles & the little one will soon love you lots - frequency & familiarity. Maybe your hestitations too are obvious to your DIL, & shes not inviting you if you dont seem keen at all with all the obstacles you mentioned (all generated by you too). GF foods are so much easier too now - meat, salads, veges

Take a couple of driving lessons to build your confidence in A roads. That’s a ridiculous reason not to see them.

Why not offer to babysit so they can have a meal out together or have the older one over to stay at yours? I know you said it is very tiring for you but would it be manageable if your DH was there?

Honestly, and in the kindest possible way, you sound terribly negative. You have so many reasons why you can't do this, that or the other, plus you say you're exhausted.
Maybe they think they don't want to trouble you in any way, or maybe they find your negativity and lack of joie de vivre hard to cope with?

You can’t go over there more as you won’t drive on A roads and your DH ‘isn’t bothered’ about seeing them.
You can’t host them more as you’re exhausted and you don’t want to cook gluten free food.
In the nicest possible way, what do you want? And why is the emphasis all on them to provide it?

I think you just want them to dance to your tune - sorry if that’s a bit blunt for you. You can’t do this and you won’t do that. What do you mean you’re ‘not good at driving distances on A roads?’ What does that even mean? Can you drive or not? If you can then get on and do it and stop expecting other people to revolve around your preferences. 45 minutes isn’t a distance, it’s normal.

If you won’t compromise you won’t see them.

I think you need to be realistic they have 2 young children and your son works a lot. They probably aren't getting a lot of sleep. You won't drive to them , won't prepare any food and find having them at your house exhausting. You want them to invite you over more but are unhappy you aren't getting a meal. My ideas are your daughter in law is on maternity leave so how about meeting half way at park / soft play ? ask if you can call in once a fortnight play with little one bring some food with you ( check it's gluten free ) all the supermarkets have large ranges of gluten free things. Play with your grandchild ask if you can help with anything. Then maybe once a month host them if you cook just meat , potato and veg you will be fine but honestly you can get special pasta and things now why you you have a trip to the supermarket and have a good look and see what is available.

I’m going to be harsh and say you sound like a pain, moaning to your son that you’re missing out and don’t get enough time but unwilling to make any effort.

For god sake, they work, have a toddler that you say is exhausting and a breast fed baby, can you not remember how tiring that is? You need to do the leg work and start thinking about them and how to make their life easier. Quite honestly anything else is selfish.

Aside from what everyone else has said, weekly is a huge command I think it’s unreasonable of you to expect them to limit themselves so much. Or this could be a reverse.

Speaking as someone in a similar situation, similar distances etc, it does fall to my MIL to visit us more frequently than we go there. We work in the week, then DD has committments at the weekends so us to go and visit MIL even just for a cup of tea is a three hour round trip and we struggle to fit that in to a weekend. However as MIL is retired, she tends to make the journey more frequently as she has time in the week to do all she needs to do. Every so often, she will invite us over there for a meal etc which is nice because we have some notice so we plan our weekend accordingly.

MIL will just ask if we are free at the weekend and if we are she will pop in. We just have a cuppa and a piece of cake or whatever and then she goes. It doesn't have to be a big pressured event.

When DD was younger and I was on mat leave or worked very part time, I would see MIL in the week, she would call in, I would call in or we'd go somewhere with DD. But I have always got on with her better than her own son so didn't seem odd. And we lived much closer to each other then.

However, MIL will drive anywhere so not that obstacle. I really don't know how you can not drive on A roads...how to you actually get anywhere?! I can kind of understand people who don't like motorways, but A roads? What is the point of being able to drive if you can't/won't do an A road.

Sorry, OP, but I agree with the others. Your post is a list of reasons why things are as they are and it's anyone's fault but yours. There's even an undertone of your dil being awkward for not eating gluten. Honestly, once a month is pretty good going in these circumstances. Your son and dil are probably stretched to the limit and then they have to accommodate you and your (sorry) foibles on top? I think you're seeing your on constraints as real, but theirs as something they could overcome if they so chose. That perspective isn't helpful to your relationship.