To think I am missing out. How can I change this?

[userfriendly55]

I am a granny to 2 wonderful grandkids who live 45 mins from us .
We looked after the eldest when her brother was born but we have not spent any alone time since and that was 4 months ago.
I feel like I am missing out . We are invited round once a month or so as my DS works some weekends and they are busy with activities . Each time they are different. Especially the baby. The eldest is going to school next year and I feel like I have missed out on her preschool years . When I see their other grandmother with them it is obvious that they spend more time together. The baby doesn’t know me at all

DS has suggested helping with the school run next year but I am not good at driving distances on A roads etc , and also I have had health scares this year. I am exhausted all the time and find it difficult to prepare nice meals etc for them to come over yet we are never invited over for meals at the weekends.
How can I try for all of us to spend more time together??

I think you should ask DIL if she would mind if you came over once a week when DS isnt there to see your grandchildren. I would be a lot more welcoming to my MIL if she actually involved me and looked like she was making an effort... Maybe try having a conversation with them and seeing what they say about it?

Thanks for replies .
My dil isn’t working, at the moment she is on maternity leave . The baby is easy and sleeps through by all accounts and 3 year old is in preschool some days .
We HAVE done a lot for them , paid for some new carpet for them when they moved in , which wasn’t cheap . I used to look after my granddaughter 1 day a week so my dil could work but stopped when they moved away from us and driving was an issue . I work part time during the week .

My husband is my son’s dad . My son is an only child so these are the only grandkids .

I can drive , I drive to work , I just don’t like the journey to their house , I know that sounds pathetic . They live in a village so no trains and I would have to get a lot of buses .

Maybe the meal thing is old fashioned . I don’t know

Also my granddaughter recently moved up a size in clothes so we bought lots of clothes for her . I actually feel like we do a lot for them

In response to pp, if DIL is coeliac, it's not as simple as 'just cook meat and veg.' You'd need separate utensils, potentially separate pans (depending on material) and to go to a huge effort to avoid cross-contamination.

The help you describe is all monetary. My parents are divorced, my dad lives 3 hours away. They don't even pretend to try and maintain a relationship with their grandchildren even though they're in a position to visit regularly. They buy them presents to make up for it. It won't work. My kids won't remember them. My parents in law live closer but make a lot of effort to be in their lives. My ds is 4 months old and my mil helps with shopping, cooking us dinners and any other small things that she knows would be helpful for us. She would never dream of asking us when they will be invited over for a meal. I think you expect them to include you because you have spent money on them but genuinely your gc wont remember the fact that you bought them things, but they will remember you not making an effort to see them because of these apparent obstacles.

OP what do you want

Yes the meal thing is old fashioned you seem to think thatyour DIL has an easy life and therefore should be willing to see you because you do a lot for them

What about your precious only child - why is it on her

My dil isn’t working, at the moment she is on maternity leave . The baby is easy and sleeps through by all accounts and 3 year old is in preschool some days

I don't understand how this is relevant. Are you implying that your DIL has plenty of time on her hands so should be hosting you and cooking you meals more often? Leaving aside for a moment how presumptuous that is, how is she supposed to do that if you won't drive to her? Are you expecting her to drive to you and pick you up?

It's very difficult to determine from your posts what it is you actually want your DS and DIL to do.

But what do you actually want? What do you want your DS and DSIL to do?

Sorry but you sound very self centered and posts like this explain why MIL's have a bad image on MN

You seem to have a lot of reasons why you can't do stuff.

It also seems because uou had lunch with your parents, you feel your daughter should be inviting you over and cooking for you. It's a favour you don't wish to return.

I think you will need to accept you won't see as much of up ur grandkids as you'd like due to your own limitations. I'm sorry.

Having a young family is never easy, OP. Stop making excuses and placing limitations on seeing your grandkids and then trying to place the blame on her/them.

You say “you have done a lot for them”, but it sounds like you’ve just thrown a lot of money at them and expect them to be grateful and acquiesce to what you want.

I'm having flashbacks, I remember having a 3 year old in preschool 5 mornings a week and a 5 month old baby and I was absolutely exhausted. Mainly because my body was recovering from making a baby inside it.

My PIL as lovely as they are always expected to be waited on, my Mum worked but when she retired (the children were 4 and 1 then) she would turn up, make me a cup of tea even though she hated the smell of tea, she would take my eldest to school and my youngest in the pushchair to give me a break that morning. She would then come back and start ironing or folding laundry. That is helpful not buying carpet and clothing, that is just lovely and generous but not helpful.

The reason your DIL/Son are avoiding visits and not welcoming you with open arms is because hosting you is hard work.

If you just went over with a gluten free cake and stayed for an hour or two it would be much easier for them to say yes to you.

I think once every 2-3 weeks would be fine.

I also live 1 hours drive from both my PIL and own family. We are separated by a huge stretch of motorway but my MIL was determined to visit us after FIL had a stroke and couldn't drive. She booked in with a driving instructor to build her confidence.

Everything seems to be on your terms. Your DIL has just had a baby, visit her, take the eldest grandchild out to the park to give her a break.

OP you are being very ‘poor me’. If you want to do something about seeing the grandchildren then YOU can do something about the situation.

Travel there by car, have more lessons, ask your DH to take you, use public transport.

Ask DIL if she would like to meet up half way restaurant is probably not the best for toddler but maybe a soft play or other.

Even an easy baby and toddler in preschool a couple of days a week is going to be time consuming.

Have you previous to the grandchildren invested time and energy into the DIL.

Buying carpet is not helping out. For context my parents can’t help out and did not see my DIL in the first few weeks even though they live close as my Mum is disabled and my Dad, her carer had major heart surgery when I was in labour and I had a EMCS and spesis. That made no difference to our relationship but lucky PIL were able to offer help eg emptying the dishwasher and putting a load of washing on. Practical things are helping not a one off payment.

What, in an ideal world, would you like, OP?

For your DIL to visit you in the week with the DGC?

For your DIL to host you in the week?

To see your DS and the family more at weekends?

Try to establish what you think you want. Otherwise it’s hopeless to suggest!

Seriously don't count what you do for them in money, it will cause problems!
They are your child and grandchildren and you are buying them a few things, it's what parents do. They thanked you for the gifts I assume? That's all that should be said about it.

Yes your being old fashioned about having a meal, I see family a lot - rarely for a meal though, usually just a snack or cuppa.

As for seeing them more - it's up to you to approach your DIL to ask if you could maybe swap each week, one week she can go to you for lunch and vice versa, then your only driving once a fortnight.

(And yes you really do need to get over your driving issues - or else get off the road fullstop!)

The meal thing is very old fashioned, you just have to accept that whatever you think about it. My mil half lives at the dils houses(helping lots with the children) but it’s rarely for a meal. Help feed the dc their dinner and head home.
You do sound like you think a 3yo in preschool some days and a baby is easy. It’s not. I have a 3yo in nursery some days and a 4mo and god I’m tired. Pil recently came to visit (we are overseas) and I was so exhausted trying to keep up even just with little things. They didn’t really want to sit at home and in the end I had to say well I’m not going anywhere today, everyone else can do whatever they want, and told my husband we could do one outing only per weekend.

Basically what I’m reading is;

I want to see more of my grandchildren. My dil has it easy, she’s on maternity leave, the baby is no bother while the tot goes to nursery a few days, so it’s not like she doesn’t get a break. I don’t like driving. AIBU to want her to drive over to my house once a week, to take me back to her house to cook me a meal while I see the children, before driving me back home again? I bought them a carpet once so I don’t think I am.

What do you want, OP?

"the baby is easy" - no baby is easy. Easier than others maybe, but not easy. I only have one child and I can barely get a hot meal on the table for just us, let alone visitors. You're expecting too much. Also buying clothes and carpet isn't "doing a lot" for them - it's very kind but it doesn't make their day to day lives easier, really.

Just go and visit. Bring a cake and expect nothing but a cup of coffee. Do some laundry or cleaning while you're there, or offer to take the kids to the park.

You work, and drive, why do you act so helpless?

That is an excellent summary by pictish

So you are perfectly capable of driving to them, you just would prefer not to.

Doesn't sound like you that bothered about seeing them either then!

Lots of people have asked - what is it you want? What is your solution?

I agree that it sounds like hosting you is like work.
Can’t you prep an easy meal like a one pot chicken casserole and take it over and bung it in the oven there?
That way you’ve got your meal and you’ve helped out.

Take some suitable good with you. Offer to make tea. Offer to watch the kids while your ds and dil go out for a drink. Act more like family rather than guests.

And invite them over. There must be loads of gluten free easy meals you can make.
Stews (without flour), curries, grilled chicken, fish with veg.
What do you cook for yourselves?

My own dm, DGM and mil buy ALL of my dd clothes between them and dm leant me several thousand pounds a couple of years ago, doesn't mean I'm obliged to do everything the way they want.

I see my dm and DGM most weeks because, well, they're my mum and grandma and we're close. We pop over to mil every couple of weeks for a few hours, cups of tea etc. She doesn't drive and getting to ours would be a challenge. There's no expectation from anyone for us to 'host' if they want to pop by they can and if mil wants me/us to go to hers we do.

Sounds like you want it all your own way and can't understand why your son and dil haven't read your mind and offered.

Small babies, no matter how 'easy' and I've got an exceptionally easy baby, are still exhausting without a pre-schooler (which you've described as exhausting yourself) thrown in. If you want to see them then make the effort but I think YABVU to expect it to be done all your own way.

When your own mother lived around the corner I bet you went round to hers for lunch?

My parents never host and expect a meal each time they visit. It is too much for me most of the time as I have lots on and our meals at the weekend can be ad hoc. When I was a child my grandparents always hosted so not sure why my parents expect me to do it all the time.

I see my pil more as we can pop in to their house for a coffee or whatever which is far easier.