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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Breastfeeding at table

863 replies

JillianHoltzmann · 11/10/2018 20:51

Hi guys, genuinely not sure if I'm being unreasonable here.
I have a two and a half week old baby, ebf, for background.

My mum has invited my sister and I out for a meal, and my sister will be bringing her boyfriend. My mum made a "cutesy" voice and said "and you can come too, and have a Sunday dinner in the toilet!" to the baby, which I didn't understand at first, so I said why would she be in the toilet? Mum replied "well you're not going to do it at the table, are you?" And I mentioned that she'd done that.

Then my sister piped up and said my mum had covered up and i don't do that (i dont like to cover up) and that it was a bit awkward- everyone would have to move to another table.

For background my sister is pregnant but doesn't plan to breastfeed because she feels weird about it, and she has said before to me that she doesn't want her boyfriend to see my boobs.

Aibu to want to be able to feed her at the table without offending my own family- without going to the toilet (!) and without having to cover her? Which is in itself bloody awkward because I can't move at all without the cover slipping down onto her face me upsetting her.

OP posts:
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Original poster
JillianHoltzmann · 15/10/2018 03:25

mymom like the mean girls outfit? Grin

OP posts:
reallyreallynow · 15/10/2018 06:10

@JillianHoltzmann well done on sticking to your guns and not feeding your baby in a way to suit anyone else!

Lethaldrizzle · 15/10/2018 07:42

Glad it went well although I do hope there were no 18 year olds drinking pints near you

Verbena87 · 15/10/2018 08:46

Glad you had a nice meal and really glad your mum ended up being helpful. Grin

ethelfleda · 15/10/2018 09:04

Glad it was ok for you! And don’t feel silly for starting the thread - I think it was good to have he discussion!

LaurieMarlow · 15/10/2018 11:59

Nice one OP.

And just to say you've come across so well on this thread and you're doing fabulously with the new baby. I'm in awe. Smile

Inertia · 15/10/2018 13:00

Glad all went well.

Have to say that dinner companions smoking between courses (even outside) is far more antisocial than breastfeeding ever could be- you’ve then got to eat your dinner in amongst the reek of cigarettes and stale smoke.

PhilomenaButterfly · 15/10/2018 13:04

My DF, when we were out having a pub lunch and I was feeding DD, said, "That makes me feel uncomfortable." I said, "Well tough, it's lunchtime, and she's having lunch."

pigsDOfly · 15/10/2018 13:30

Pleased to hear it went well.

Stick to your guns and feed your baby for as long and as often as she needs and you want.

Trust me, the more you feed in public the more your confidence around doing it will grow and you'll find that eventually that the people who stare will no longer bother you.

Having said that, I don't think most people actually notice if a woman is bf, unless you're like the women mentioned by a pp who, apparently, flop their breasts out onto table tops Confused

PhilomenaButterfly · 15/10/2018 14:03

We have a friend who one of our other friends described as "offensively breastfeeding". This might be the same as "ostentatiously breastfeeding". A flashing neon sign over her head saying: "BREASTFEEDING" might have been more subtle.

Original poster
JillianHoltzmann · 15/10/2018 14:07

Oh don't worry! If there had been young women drinking pints I certainly would have said something! That WOULD be disgusting Grin!

Seriously though, my older brother mentioned how breast milk was best for babies and that as far as science has come we haven't yet found a good alternative (he's a great guy actually, the last person I would have thought would support me breastfeeding at the table! My bad!)/

my sister got defensive and Said formula was almost exactly the same, so I guess we've found the root of the problem! I think she feels guilty for deciding not to bf, which is in no way right and I fully support her right to ff. I think I'll be helping her come to terms with the fact her decision is perfectly fine and not going to cause any problems!

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ethelfleda · 15/10/2018 16:46

Jillian it’s a shame if your sister is projecting her hang ups on to you. She should support your breastfeeding, as you support her formula feeding!

I thought about this thread today - people were mentioning old fashioned attitudes towards bfing.... I saw my 92 year old grandmother today and bf my son while I was there (he is nearly one) her response was “oh good for you - no wonder he looks so healthy. It’s great if you can carry on for as long as possible” Smile

YearOfYouRemember · 15/10/2018 17:18

Mostly peoples opinions are due to their personality, not their age…

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/10/2018 18:40

Cows milk is almost the same as breast milk. Okaaaay. A mother chooses to nourish her baby how she chooses. But that argument is stupid. Also if you were as much of a drama queen as your sister you’d be screaming about secondary smoke after the boys came back in from smoking fags A tiny baby has an underdeveloped cardiovascular system afterall.

Original poster
JillianHoltzmann · 15/10/2018 22:05

To be honest I think she's just unhappy with her decision, she had the unfortunate circumstance of seeing the pain bfing caused me to begin with and I genuinely think she's just afraid of the pain.

The fact she's making that decision for herself rather than her baby seems to be making her feel quite guilty, which I understand but don't necessarily ageee with. Nobody should feel guilty for looking after themselves as well as their baby!

Obviously I can't say for sure. But if I had to guess...

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twiglet · 15/10/2018 22:14

Ahhh so you got to the bottom of it OP!

I don't judge anyone's decision on how they feed a baby but your sister should know formula isn't the same as breast milk. My last midwife appointment even went through the differences (NHS Scotland).

Personally I would speak to her and just say that you support her choice just as you would hope she would support yours to breastfeed and it's about what is right for the mum involved. She may go on the defensive or go quiet but either way there is no doubt around judging etc

Verbena87 · 15/10/2018 22:26

I saw my 92 year old grandmother today and bf my son while I was there (he is nearly one) her response was “oh good for you - no wonder he looks so healthy. It’s great if you can carry on for as long as possible” smile - I’ve also had lovely comments from/chats with much older women about breastfeeding. I think maybe the weird attitude comes from the generations in between (maybe when formula was new/exciting/aggressively marketed?) - or (mostly) from personality really.

OP I think you sound like a lovely sister.

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/10/2018 07:49

Verbena
Yy I agree. My mother thought I was odd for feeding dd. She couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t stop when she was weaning and wanted to know when I was giving it up as I fed into toddlerhood.

Jillian
I hope your nipples are feeling better. It does really hurt in the beginning. But they do toughen up. I don’t know how sensitive your sister is but realistically she should be told to stop projecting her hang ups on you. Perhaps a quiet word about personal choice?

smotheroffive · 16/10/2018 14:30

I can understand the kind of indoctrination that took place in previous generations, all doing what they thought was best at the time, and it seems to change regularly! But I had my mom saying feed a bottle, and didn't get support and when are you stopping, its not giving enough milk and you are starving your baby. I was lucky to have full support of HV which kept me going through early days. Ended feeding into toddeerdom as it was SOOO easy, especially when I looked around and saw all the hassle the ff had preparing and heating bottles so much extra work esp at night.

By no means do all women get painful nipples and lots of handling in the run up to is helpful. Toughening them up!

I didn't have a moment of nipple pain normally pretty sensitive

My mom's generation were on four hiurly feeds and wheeled away into nursery, she had enough milk to feed the wards babies!

They were told to give evap milk! But they did get loads of rest in first two weeks! Tons of it to recover.

Reassure your DSis its not an inevitable and lots of nipple tweaking ad perineal stretching whenever she gets a panic about it

BasilFaulty · 16/10/2018 15:16

I genuinely think she's just afraid of the pain

Good god don't tell her about labour fgs

Verbena87 · 16/10/2018 18:23

Good god don't tell her about labour fgs Grin

PhilomenaButterfly · 16/10/2018 18:28

😂

smotheroffive · 16/10/2018 22:21

I didn't worry about potential nipple pain, but I really wish I hadn't been so scared of the labour pain. Horrified that I wouldn't cope, and despite 'aggressive labour' managed.

It's awful she's so worried and you are understanding DSis, she could do with some support and education. Is she doing NCT or similar? She needs to ask about this stuff to help her cope with it.

Original poster
JillianHoltzmann · 17/10/2018 04:08

Um, that might actually be on me... I played down my labour pain because she was so scared!

I forced myself to go out into town with her at 3 days postpartum with a 3b tear, I wanted her to feel like even if it went very badly (I was mismeasured and spent the whole night pushing and then got put on fetal monitoring and they were talking about breaking the waters, only to be remeasured at 2cm 8am. Then they gave me diamorphine, I reacted badly and spent the morning disoriented and panicking, at 11 I was back in the birth pool falling asleep between pushes. Then she came out far too fast.) it wouldn't be unbearable and she'd recover quick!

But she was actually there when I was starting to bf. I was staying with Mum for support for the first few weeks, and she came round every day (along with half the town- my mums house seems to have a revolving door! That was exhausting) so she could see the pain on my face when the child latched. I couldn't hide it because it's such a sharp sensation.

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Original poster
JillianHoltzmann · 17/10/2018 04:10

P.S I don't recommend a shopping trip at 3 days postpartum, I thought I was going to die when the dihydrocodeine wore off!

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