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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Breastfeeding at table

863 replies

JillianHoltzmann · 11/10/2018 20:51

Hi guys, genuinely not sure if I'm being unreasonable here.
I have a two and a half week old baby, ebf, for background.

My mum has invited my sister and I out for a meal, and my sister will be bringing her boyfriend. My mum made a "cutesy" voice and said "and you can come too, and have a Sunday dinner in the toilet!" to the baby, which I didn't understand at first, so I said why would she be in the toilet? Mum replied "well you're not going to do it at the table, are you?" And I mentioned that she'd done that.

Then my sister piped up and said my mum had covered up and i don't do that (i dont like to cover up) and that it was a bit awkward- everyone would have to move to another table.

For background my sister is pregnant but doesn't plan to breastfeed because she feels weird about it, and she has said before to me that she doesn't want her boyfriend to see my boobs.

Aibu to want to be able to feed her at the table without offending my own family- without going to the toilet (!) and without having to cover her? Which is in itself bloody awkward because I can't move at all without the cover slipping down onto her face me upsetting her.

OP posts:
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speakout · 14/10/2018 08:56

Both my kids ( son and daughter now 18 and 20) remember being breastfed.

It's simply not an issue for them. No emotional scarring or hang ups.

EdinaMonsoon · 14/10/2018 08:56

OP Your mother is being completely unreasonable. Where exactly does she expect you to sit & feed in the bathrooms? Unless you are going somewhere v posh, there is unlikely to be a chair so therefore you will be sat on a toilet to feed. Absolutely no way. Utterly revolting & unsanitary.

Your sister is insecure & immature. I honestly believe that most men do not see anything sexual about a woman’s breasts when she’s BFing. If her partner does stare at your breasts then it’s his (& her) problem. Not yours. You are feeding your child. Do not let her hang-ups dictate your behaviour.

EdinaMonsoon · 14/10/2018 09:00

And for all those MNers who are currently pearl clutching at the thought of children remembering their mother’s breasts: get a f*cking grip. Honestly. Shock! Horror! Adult female has breasts!!! AND has audacity to use them for actual biological function of said breasts! My DCs are 14 & 18. I don’t believe either one of them are traumatised by this knowledge.

Volant · 14/10/2018 09:25

Powerless, older children who see their mothers breastfeed their younger siblings may well remember in later life what their mothers' breasts look like. If that is undesirable, we would have to abolish breastfeeding altogether. Is that really preferable?

Lethaldrizzle · 14/10/2018 09:31

3 threads at the moment about female impropriety; breast feeding, how many people you've slept with and m & s selling hijabs for girls. All questioning the proper way for women to behave. Very sad - we're going backwards.

TwistinMyMelon · 14/10/2018 09:41

Just tell them that if they are so offended by the sight of you breastfeeding, then they will have to wait a year or so or whenever you stop bfing to form any kind of relationship with your baby, as a demand fed ebf child will spend quite a lot of time feeding. That is a fact, so if they don't want to see bfing, they won't see baby, and tough titties!

TwistinMyMelon · 14/10/2018 09:45

I still see my mums tits on a regular basis, she has a fine rack fora lady in her late 50s. If we go swimming or away together we never cover up when getting changed. I am not emotionally scarred by this.

peachsquish · 14/10/2018 09:51

FF here. Have no problem with other people bf in public, neither am I worried that my dc might see someone's boob, I just explain they are feeding a baby.

DevonCherry · 14/10/2018 10:00

I don't know why people get so worked up about a tiny bit of flesh being revealed when breastfeeding. Let's assume your nipple is in the baby's mouth, and that you have the sense to wear a baggy top that you can easily pull up to make just enough space for baby to latch on. No need therefore for a cover. At most there will be an inch wide strip of breast showing, and if you're out for a meal, it will probably coincide with table height. There really is nothing to see at all.
No wonder poople have a hard time breastfeeding when their families are so weird about it. This baby is after all a fellow member of the family, also having her lunch while you all are.
That said, if youre a "boob fully exposed" feeder, then perhaps it would be more polite to feed away from other diners, if not family. Perhaps you could sit on the side of the table which faces the wall, away from the main restaurant. Rightly or wrongly, it is convention that feeding in public is only ok if you're discreet.

Lethaldrizzle · 14/10/2018 10:09

Oh Devon- that's just as bad as all the other anti- bf posts. I couldn't give a monkey's if a women accidentally or otherwise exposed her breast to me at a table. She can sit where the hell she likes

NerrSnerr · 14/10/2018 10:22

Rightly or wrongly, it is convention that feeding in public is only ok if you're discreet.

I breastfed my eldest until she was 2 and I'm still feeding my son who is 18 months. At first I really tried to only show a tiny bit of breast but now I really couldn't care. I'm usually too busy trying to do something with my eldest whilst I'm feeding to notice.

Not one person has ever said anything and I have never noticed a look.

NerrSnerr · 14/10/2018 10:23

And if anyone is offended for seeing a bit of breast while I breastfeed then they can fuck off- it's their problem and not mine.

Lethaldrizzle · 14/10/2018 10:26

The pro breastfeeding in public but only if its discreet is the equivalent of saying I'm not a racist but.....

LaurieMarlow · 14/10/2018 10:33

The pro breastfeeding in public but only if its discreet is the equivalent of saying I'm not a racist but

Yep

speakout · 14/10/2018 10:46

The pro breastfeeding in public but only if its discreet is the equivalent of saying I'm not a racist but.....

x 100

SerenDippitty · 14/10/2018 10:59

I still see my mums tits on a regular basis, she has a fine rack fora lady in her late 50s.

Late 50s isn’t exactly decrepit you know. You’ll realise that when you get there.

MamehaSan · 14/10/2018 11:15

I feel sorry for OP. At two weeks post partum she should be being supported by her family and left alone to snuggle her squishy little baby and feed him/her whenever she needs. Not having to spend her precious time justifing herself to a bunch of ignorant arseholes (in RL, I mean, but some also on this thread).

OP, you rock. It's early days for you and it's natural to question yourself over whether you're doing the right thing or not (welcome to parenting!), but just keep doing what feels right for you and your baby [tea] Cake

TigerTooth · 14/10/2018 12:05

My 18yr old DD drinks pints, and utters the odd swear word.
When we are with Grandma, DD drinks half-pints and doesn't swear. This is because Granny gets upset at ladies swearing and thinks it's terrible for a lady to have a pint, she gets upset by it, a generational thing. We laugh about it but essentially we don't want to make granny uncomfortable, yes DD has every right to drink a pint but as it makes Granny uncomfortable, she adjusts for her.
Even if you have 'right' on your side - not everything in life has to be a battle.
If your uncovered breastfeeding at the table makes the 3 other people at the table uncomfortable then why not cover up, just on the rare occasion you need to feed at a table?
With such a young baby you could easily feed before you go and get through a meal without baby needing a feed, and enjoy your meal in peace, or are you going to take baby there hungry, just to prove a point?
Yes you have a right to feed, and its natural but there are many many natural bodily functions that we don't do at the table. A little square of muslin wouldn't hurt - you 'don't like' to cover up, well the other 3 adults 'don't like' you BF at the table, find a compromise.

...Off to get thick skin and tin hat on before the righteous sisters start firing ...

DartmoorDoughnut · 14/10/2018 12:06

@TigerTooth have you not heard of cluster feeding? aka exactly what newborns do to establish supply?

speakout · 14/10/2018 12:09

TigerTooth

A baby does not have a choice in whether to be hungry or not.

When a breastfed baby needs feeding it has to be done immediately.

To do otherwise will lead to a distressed baby and could have a health impact on the mother.

Comparing that to choosing to drink half pints of beer is ridiculous.

LaurieMarlow · 14/10/2018 12:31

With such a young baby you could easily feed before you go and get through a meal without baby needing a feed, and enjoy your meal in peace, or are you going to take baby there hungry, just to prove a point?

When you make points like this, it becomes clear that you have no understanding of the realities of breastfeeding.

Newborns can clusterfeed for hours.

The can appear to be satisfied and then cry for food 10 minutes later.

The amount of times I've tried to 'time' feeds and for it all fall to bits because baby is hungry when he's hungry. Turns out breastfeeding on demand means exactly that. You don't get to control the demand.

Please educate yourself before advising new breastfeeding mums on what they should do. Your comments are the opposite of helpful.

You're essentially asking a newborn baby to regulate their needs so that grown adults, with the ability to look away, don't have to see a bit of boob. That's absolutely ludicrous.

HellenaHandbasket · 14/10/2018 12:36

Also worth noting that feeding isn't just for food. It is the ultimate comfort for a baby. The type of people who get het up about BF tend to also be the type to be disapproving if a baby is noisy and disrupts others, the poor baby can't win.

HellenaHandbasket · 14/10/2018 12:37

And they have tiny tummies! Literally miniscule. Even if you could 'fill them up' before going out, it doesn't last that long. They feed little and often.

reallyreallynow · 14/10/2018 13:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Volant · 14/10/2018 13:43

Yes you have a right to feed, and its natural but there are many many natural bodily functions that we don't do at the table

The natural bodily functions that we do do at the table are eating and drinking. Why isn't a baby allowed to carry out that function, TigerTooth?