My sons baby

[Fcukfour]

My son had a baby 16 weeks ago. They’ve bought baby round to my house once, I live 4 miles away. Am I unreasonable to want to see baby more? I do go there at least once a week, but I’m conscious of being “the interfering mother in law”

@Fcukfour why don't you speak to your son and ask if he can visit with the baby (and wife too if she'd like to come) for a cup of tea every once in a while.

Greatduckcookery

Of course it could be that - no way of knowing. I’m just presenting my personal opinion of why the DIL MIL relationship is not the same as the Daughter mother relationship.

@Fcukfour what part of the country are you in? You're very welcome to come and visit my baby for an hour a few times a week!! (Can I nap while you're here?!?!)

Gosh you sound like a nightmare me me me. They just had a baby a few months ago, are probably exhausted and you make it about you. Glad you are not my mil.

Pleaseletmummysleep. Would love too. You can do as you wish, it could be your “me” time!! I’m in Leicestershire?? And thank you, that was the nicest comment on here.

Thatsomebadhatharry. Feeling is mutual

You sound like a proud new grandparent, who loves her new grandbaby and is understandably excited.

However you are taking some of these replies very defensively.

You say you want to help, but what help do you mean? You think the baby sleeps well, the house is under control - if those things are sorted, I wouldn't find a 16wk old baby so much trouble I'd need loads of extra help. It sounds like your daughter in law is out enjoying her maternity leave - but not as a deliberate slight on you!

The real issue seems to be them not visiting you. Which is why people are saying once a week could be enough - if you are visiting that often they may feel there is no need to visit you. Why not call your son and ask him? I get along very well with my MIL I think, but she mainly communicates and plans with my husband - as he is her son! There seems little point speculating about what your DIL may or may not be thinking , when you could just approach your son, like you would with your daughters

Drylce. Yes you’re right, I am being defensive, I’ll back off gracefully, and leave the thread. I have been well and truly put in my place. I will appreciate what I’ve got, there are others who don’t see their grandchildren at all, either by their own hands or by other means. So I am very lucky.

But I will just say,

To all you mothers of sons, just think about what you have said in relation to your own mother in laws. That one day may be you.

Jeez... I kinda hope the (final) baby in my belly is a girl after reading this thread and seeing all the MIL haterz out there.

Personally I love my MIL as much as my DM. Both GMs see my child equally- but were naturally less involved in the early months due to breastfeeding. I love the fact my 3yo child has an equal relationship with them (and the grandads - let’s not forget about them!)

OP - don’t worry about how much you see the baby now... I’m sure you’ll be more involved as time goes on. Mine got much more involved age 1- this was when I finished bf, so she could stay over/ go on day trips with the GPs. Nothing to do with free childcare- I just want her to have a good relationship with all GPs.

My MIL has thanked me so many times for treating her so well and giving her lots of access to her GC. It always makes me tearful that she is so very grateful. How sad is that and what does it say about the state of our society??!!

She says all her MIL friends (she has a large circle) are treated less than nicely by the DILs. I can’t imagine they are all interfering nightmare MILs. She said that it is common for them to get less access and priority to their sons’ children than daughters. My own DM has only recently started to regularly see my brother’s child due to DIL going back to work (age 2, lives 10 minutes away). She barely saw the child before that only when my brother brought him to her for 30 minutes a time - she is very kind, helpful and not interfering. The DIL simply didn’t want her around. But now the childcare is convenient she has changed her mind and comes to my mum more than hers for help because mine is more accommodating!

If GMs are pleasant and helpful, I think they should be treated equally with the same respect, regardless whether they are DMs or MILs. It doesn’t matter who gave birth- the child is born with both a mother and father !!

FcuKfour very few people have said anything bad about mother in law's specifically. Most people saying once a week is plenty or that you sound as though this is all about you and your needs are saying that they wouldn't want to visit and be visited by the same grandparent multiple times per week regardless of which grandparent, or whose mother, that person was.

Your comments now actually read as though you set out to draw out anti mother in law comments to prove a point or issue some kind of warning - you haven't received much in the way of anti mother in law posts at all!

OP if she is visiting her mum everyday she could pop into you more so may be text her and invite her. I would say that weekly for a visit to her is enough. That's what both my parents and in laws do with my 8 week old. One thing I would point out is offering help is lovely but keep it realistic. I've had to talk to both sets of grandparents because they will offer to watch baby for a while but really don't know her. They haven't changed a nappy or done a feed without my help because although they've raised their own kids it's been about 30 years! Baby will have their own routines so try offering just to do a nappy or bottle when you're there to build mum's confidence. If You're there for 30mins as to not impose that's very contentious but I wonder if it might be backfiring if you don't have time to do things with the baby?

I think you sound lovely and not like your try g to take over at all but that they are not engaging in your attempts to engage; maybe change up your approach?
Invite them to your for a sunday roast or dinner on night they have a full day and might not want to cook. Take DS and baby out for breakfast so mum can lay in. Or ask to do something with baby (& a parent of course), maybe library story time - free and only half hour - then take them to lunch/cofee after....

Understand that a new baby forces a new mum to see family far more frequently than the mother would choose. You see the baby one a week. That is more than enough

I don't like driving my dd anywhere if I can help it. Everyone comes to me. My parents tell me not to drive to them and they come to me. For some reason mil would like us to visit her more even though she sees dd every week

Blueskies you must be reading a different thread to me then. I don’t think the OP is dreaming it. MILs are individuals with feelings too. I’m a newish parent and about to have a second - of course I will put myself and child first after the birth, but after that I will consider my MIL equally to my own mother - as well as the grandads. They will both get the same level of respect from me and I’ll make sure they get equal time with the new baby- which in the early days I’ll explain won’t be very much, but will grow over time as the baby becomes less dependent on me.

I’ve been quite sad to read all the replies on this thread dismissing this MIL’s feelings. Yes the DIL comes first, but she sounds like a lovely MIL who is thoughtful, so to dismiss her feelings as unimportant is really horrible of you all- and to me demonstrates the level of passive aggressive contempt for MIL from many of the posters.

I hope those of you who have sons are treated as you deserve to be by any future DILs!

@Fcukfour you sound lovely and not interfering or overbearing at all.
I live 260 miles away from my mum and would have loved to have a MIL like you nearby when mine were babies.

@Fcukfour you may not see this but I have a few observations:

1. You sound lovely and not overbearing at all. However you do have unrealistic expectations given that baby is so young, which is fine so long as you continue not to voice them.

1. Baby is so young and getting out of the house is so hard so visiting without an invitation may not even occur to them. Why don't you invite them over (but outside of a mealtime since your DIL is a fussy eater). I'm sure DIL would want baby to mix with it's cousins without having to host all the time, so you could invite her round at the same time as your daughter's children.

1. True that you have just as much connection to your grandchild as the maternal mother. However, you don't have equal connection to the most important person during the infant phase - the mother of the baby. Her welfare at the moment is paramount and since she's well looked after by her mother, she doesn't need you at this stage in her life. Again this will probably change once she goes back to work. When I had a newborn the difference between my mum and MIL was stark. First thing my mum would ask when she visited was if I had eaten/ if I was feeling ok - questions about the baby were secondary (I am my mum's baby still- which meant her feelings for me overruled feelings for new grandchild). First thing my MIL would ask is where's the baby/ can I hold it. I also felt comfortable telling my mum to stop being annoying/ leave/ shut up. Couldn't say that to my MIL so ended up being annoyed at her unnecessarily during what's a particularly hormonal phase. Also my mum helped me bathe/ checked my vagina stitches - basically any gross thing since she's seen me naked before. Would die before I asked MIL to check my stitches.

I think if you give it time you'll find that your DIL reaches out to you more. Plus if she's breastfeeding, as baby gets older she'll be comfortable letting your son take him round to yours on his own. It's just a question of patience. You seem to be doing all the right things. Seeing your grandchild once a week is quite a lot so anything more would be a bonus. And I say this as the mother of a boy...I wouldn't expect an equal relationship with my DIL as she has with her own mother (unless she isn't that close to her mother).

@PurpleFlowersInMyHair surely that's completely disingenuous to say it doesn't matter who gave birth?! When I gave birth it was me who was bleeding everywhere, found it excruciating to sit down for 3 weeks because of a nasty tear, struggled with breastfeeding on and off, stayed up in the nights with colicy baby, and had no sleep for months because my husband was working so "needed the sleep more than me". Yes we were both parents to the baby, but with completely different and unequal needs. So if during a particularly difficult phase new mothers want their own mothers around for support more than their MIL, then I don't see how that's a problem. The phase goes very quickly and once things balance out, a child won't remember that he saw his maternal GM more than his paternal GM in the first year of his life.

@rach182 I had exactly the same issues for a while after birth and didn’t want to see anyone - I let my mum come a bit, but there wasn’t much she could do to help with the pain. I was just honest with people- told them now not a good time - and told MIL a bit more detail. She sweetly sent over my favourite candle and healing salts for the bath (which greatly helped). So you can just be honest with people in this situation so they don’t think it’s because you don’t want them involved with the baby. Nice people will understand your needs if explained - it seems the OP is sensitive to DIL needs and would understand if this issue were raised. But if no explanation given, it would feel like a slight to the MIL.

I don’t actually think the OP is being cut out in this case- it’s more the other posters saying MILs come lower down the pecking order when it comes to GC. No- they are GM just like the maternal GM is, that is what I meant.

@PurpleFlowersInMyHair ah ok that makes sense. I agree maternal GM and paternal GM are equal in terms of relationship to GC. I think some MILs though shoot themselves in the foot by being overbearing so the DIL distances themselves and then the maternal GM ends up higher in the pecking order. OP sounds lovely though and completely appropriate so I think if she gives it time their family will find a good balance.

I think you sound lovely and considerate. This sentence jumped out at me.

Maybe I just hoped to be more involved with the baby.

From my point of view as a DIL, you need to build or maintain a good relationship with your DIL before swooping in on her child.

The mistake many Mils make, I think, is treating the dil like she's just the commodity and the baby is yours to spoil, take out, steal all the best bits.

I'm not saying this is what you're like but it is my experience sadly as mine used to pester me from when my newborn was only 2 weeks old by phoning me every morning asking if she could take him out a walk in his pram (without me) He was exclusively breast fed so I always said no.

Her doing this always made me feel unwanted, I'd have loved if she'd offered to come round and take the dogs out for me or help in the house to let me bond with my newborn but no, she wanted the good bits.

She didn't want a relationship with me, only my child which is common I think, and that's what gets our backs up.

If you're making arrangements make sure you include your dil in communications and ask how she is.

Oh and I'm sure you don't but just incase, never criticise her weight, hair or (lack of) housekeeping skills

It’s not dismissive it’s just that times have changed, most new moms are not that young anymore. We tend to have support networks already set up and have done for years. We’re out and about enjoying maternity leave because the vast majority of new mom’s will have to go back to work.

A lot will depend on the relationship you had before if you weren’t close before she isn’t suddenly going to be closer to you now.

Also if you have daughters she may feel overwhelmed by this especially if you’re very close to them. She might be close to her mother in which case she will naturally refer to her mother the same as your daughters refer to you. Maybe she has a history of rough MIL relationships in her family.

I would try and build a relationship with her as a friend first try not to go straight to the baby follow her lead, don’t mention how good a mom she is and that you’re proud of her because to be honest it’s really quite patronising. You’re a grandparent because your child has had a child not because you’re a parenting guru. She’s just doing her best exactly the same as you did no more no less. Laugh about the things you would have done differently if you had a baby now or how you are amazed with a parenting method she is doing I don’t know what

Maybe book a treat for the 2 of you together the cinema, spa, dinner, afternoon tea. You seem lovely and I’m sure you will get there.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all . I would of loved someone like you as a MIL when I had first DS. I felt utterly alone with no help at all and someone just to be there to help with the smallest of things would of been lovely and reassuring as I felt totally out of my comfort zone but not everyone is the same . You sound lovely x

@Rach182 make a a great point. My parents priority when they come over is my welfare as much as dd. Of course they adore seeing her but they don't expect to be waited on and tend to bring something thoughtful like easy snack food so they know I've eaten something. MIL also loves dd dearly but when she comes round she really just wants to take photos with the baby. I am very much just the vessel and gatekeeper for the baby. A uterus on legs to breed her grandchildren if you will. I'm sure she wouldn't admit that but my value is in having brought dd into the world and in looking after her son. The visits are poles apart. That doesn't mean i allow my parents over any more than MIL but it's a useful thing to reflect on.

I have a four month old baby and I agree with others than once or twice a week is really a lot of access OP. Sorry that isn't what you want to hear.

I would be very careful about voicing your need to see the baby more to your son. My own mother was in the same position with my brother and his gf and had an unrealistic view of babysitting from a very early age. It never materialized and her complaining about more access only pushed them both away. She's lucky if she sees her grandson once a fortnight now.

I like abroad so unfortunately she can't see our DD that often but if I was at home once or twice a week would be more than enough I feel. My husband and I barely get any time on our own as it is.

Good luck OP, I'm sure it will all find a natural rhythm as the baby gets a little older.

I’m not sure it’s a question of being reasonable or unreasonable - but I think accepting relationships and people for what they are. FWIW I think you sound like a lovely mother and MIL.

There are differences between a mother and MIL relationship. I am very fond of my MIL but her paying a visit is different to my own mother. It’s more of a ‘visit’ IUSWIM. So naturally the dynamic is a little different when it is your DIL rather than DD or DS you are dropping in on during the day.

Also it’s s gunny okd time having a new baby. people respond differently. Some people like to get lots of help and support. Others are more self sufficient and sorted and travelling their own path. I was a bit more the latter myself. It was nothing to do with the people around me. I just had my ‘system’ sorted and didn’t really need ‘help’. My MIL offered to come and spent time st my house after the births but I couldn’t imagine anything worse. Not because I don’t like her - I do very much. But it would just have got in the way of things TBH. Happily I think it was only a courtesy offer really as it’s not her thing to be too hands on.

Either way it’s very early days and relationships change shape as babies get older etc. So maybe just go with the flow and don’t be too quick to pin your flag to any mast. If you had a good relationship before I’m sure you’ll continue to do so.

Good luck!