My sons baby

[Fcukfour]

My son had a baby 16 weeks ago. They’ve bought baby round to my house once, I live 4 miles away. Am I unreasonable to want to see baby more? I do go there at least once a week, but I’m conscious of being “the interfering mother in law”

Definitely BU to expect them to visit you! When my baby was that small it took me ages to get myself sorted enough to go out and half the time I found experiences out to be draining and wanted to get home quickly. Just because they've been out doesn't mean it would have been convenient for them to run round visiting - they're probably really tired and really busy and maybe a bit stressed.

I echo those who have said that you sound like a lovely MIL

If visiting once a week isn't enough for you I would gently bring it up with them. Maybe say something as simple as "Feel free to say no, but I would love to pop over a couple of times a week to see more of you all. I know you're busy but are there any days or times we could make it work? I'd love to help out more too, just like I do with the other grandchildren." Your son and wife sound like nice people and they'll probably jump at the chance.

I don't think YABU wanting them to visit you. I can't speak for them as to why they probably haven't except for once up until now because everyone's new parenting experiences are so different. Perhaps if you get more visits to them sorted first you can then start inviting them to yours a few weeks down the line. An invite will more likely be accepted than a request that they come see you more often. If my MIL said 'Please come visit me more often' I'd feel guilty that I hadn't made time to visit. If she said 'Do you fancy coming over for a cup of tea and a break while i play with the baby' I'd have bit her hand off haha.

My baby boy is 8 weeks. We've only just started visiting people (my DH's frail 94-year-old grandma) unless they are within minutes of the house. When DH went back to work 4 weeks ago, I did go to my parents a couple of times - but that's because they're less than a mile away and have a big enough garden to let our spaniel run around in when I was too tired to take her for longer walks.

Recently had my SIL stay for a couple of days whilst she sorted some paperwork stuff out. She's made meals, walked the dog, held the baby when I needed a shower. She's great company. I'm also really glad she's just got one train back to hers.

Visitors are exhausting. I'm trying to learn how to be a mum, bond with my baby. No matter how much I love my family in-laws and birth, I sometimes want a bit of space. So does my husband. I had pregnancy complications and our baby was born 3.5 weeks early so we've had midwives appts and hospital appts for me most weeks until now. I think a regular weekly catch up with a family member, even my mum or sister, would be hard to deal with.

Fcukfour you sound absolutely lovely but I'm afraid MIL's get a bad and unwarranted rap on here. I would've loved a MIL like you. (unfortunately my MIL had alzheimers for a very long time and didn't understand who the GC were)

I've been on MN for 10 or 12 years (can't remember) and over that time I've read the most ridiculous things picking holes in MILs. One was about a MIL who offered to do the ironing! Crime of the century! Another one offered to babysit... call the Police!

Now ... before I get jumped on, I appreciate not every MIL is lovely but like ageism on here there is definitely MILism at times.

You see your little GC for half an hour once a week and you offer to help, and you think a lot of your DIL and know she is doing a good job. What's not to like? I think you will get a chance to see more of your GC as time goes on and it's probably a case of being patient. There's some good suggestions on here.

Again, I am taking on board your comments and will give them some serious thought. I will just point out, their house is immaculate, she’s out everyday going here and there, baby sleeps from ten TIL seven all night, I always offer help to her, I work 6am to 2pm, I am disabled, I do drive, I’m there between half an hour to an hour, usually once a week, occasionally twice, I never offer advice, I understand my son works long hours all week, therefore I never go at weekends, that’s their time, my daughter in law is a fussy eater, won’t eat anything she has not cooked herself. My own mother was not around for my children, neither was my mother in law. I coped alone. Is it such a crime to want to be there? To give something I never had? I really don’t think that all this information is your business, but being as I am being slated for things you don’t know, I may as well tell you. I really hope that all the mother in law haters all have daughters, would hate for you to be a mother in law, god forbid.

To all you lovely ladies who have been kind, thank you ❤️. You have made me feel better. I really just wanted my son and daughter in law to have the help I never had. But I see that maybe I am expecting too much, and it would be better to wait and see.

I shall certainly think long and hard before asking mumsnet anything else.

You are putting yourself at the centre of this situation though, and this isn't about you. If she just doesn't want you there more than once a week that is entirely her choice.

OP - if you had a good relationship with your DIL before the birth, the chances are you will afterwards too.
Just remember that they see you once a week so they are probably happy that you are spending enough time with them and the baby. Expecting them to come to your more often seems a bit unreasonable when the baby is so young. Whatever, happens please don't become one of those people who keeps a score.

Please just talk to them - and please don't do it feeling riled up and defensive from this thread! I've sometimes wondered whether my in-laws and I are doing a bit of polite dance where I wonder why they don't invite me over, but they're maybe waiting for me to offer to come over so they don't seem overbearing! So I'm going to try and be more direct with them, and you should be too!

I agree with MakeAHouse.

OP, it's not a problem wanting to give the help you never had, as long as it's wanted.

I haven't had any issues with my MIL, but plenty with my mom, because she was unable to see that. Neither her nor my MIL had help from their parents and both were keen to take on a very 'hands on' role with DD. However I just didn't need that, she was a fairly easy baby and I never wanted to be apart from her. I knew it wouldn't be long until I went back to work and wanted to spend all the time with her that I could. My MIL realised this quickly and is happy with just visiting DD and we get on quite well. My mom kept nagging and trying to push for her to be left with DD and it's pushed me further away than I already was.

It's okay to want to help and to be upset that you don't get to have the input you would like to but it's something you will have to come to terms with.

I see it less as a difference between how people treat MILs vs their own mothers and more as a difference between your DD and your DIL as parents. Your DIL may have an easier baby, may be adjusting easier or may just be more independent herself. It doesn't mean that she sees you as an evil MiL but just that she doesn't need help.

I guess if your DIL doesn't want help then all you can do is respect that, she sounds like she's coping very well with her baby and likes to do things herself, which is fine.

Just take it easy with her, let her gain confidence in your ability as a grandma, let her see how much you love him/her and let the relationship take its natural course.

It's early days and the baby is still young, given time I'm sure they will be asking for you time to babysit or be more involved, just take baby steps and let her lead the way.

I say this as a MIL and a GM

Have you offered them a lunch, or tea-time meal or Sunday roast - so that they don't have to cook for themselves?

Even now, when the newborns are 6 and 9 months old, I find that my offspring are only too pleased to visit if they get a promise of good grub (Requests taken!). It saves them a job and they feel 'treated'.

Theotherpamayres, unfortunately she won’t eat anything she has not cooked herself. So that suggestion is out. I will take the advice given and see what happens.

I think you are being disengenous OP, saying that you are taking things on board, but in the same breath calling people MIL haters. I haven’t seen hate on this post - just people explaining why your DIL might want only one visit a week.

I’m in the camp of thinking one day a week is plenty, for DM or MIL. It sounds like your DIL is getting on with things and enjoying her mat leave, which is great. If she doesn’t need your help she doesn’t need it, and it can’t be forced on her.

My DM lives two hours away and only see DD every few months. They have a great relationship. As do DD and MIL, who she sees a few times a month.

What would be your ideal scenario in terms of how often you see them, who visits who etc?
Do they explicitly tell you that you’re only welcome once a week, or that you need to leave after half an hour?

@SoyDora a few people have asked op this now but she hasn't answered for some reason.

I also know grandparents who only see grandchildren if they do a full Sunday lunch for the family. It’s nice to do but what if you cannot afford it or have health issues

Soydora. I go round once a week maybe twice as I am disabled and work from 6am to 2pm, this is my choice, I do struggle sometimes to do this, but if I didn’t I wouldn’t see my grandchild at all. I suppose I could ask for more time there, but sometimes it would be nice to see them at my house. I suppose a cuppa at mine once every couple of weeks would be lovely. I’ll probably be slated now for being selfish, as she’s just had a baby, she’s tired, better things to do. My original post was more aimed at was I being unreasonable to want them to visit me a little more often. She goes to her own mothers everyday,, not a problem at all, this is how it should be, I have no problem with this. My daughter will bring the children to me as she thinks it’s easier for me. I have four children, and to visit them at their houses all the time is not good for my health.

If I was her mother would there be quite so many remarks about once a week being more than enough.

Look, you sound lovely but at the same time, many people would feel that once a week is completely enough for parental visits of any kind.

I adore my mum and dad but honestly, when I was in the thick of new motherhood and readjusting my life and getting to know my baby, once a week was quite enough to see my own parents. If your DIL is spending time with you once a week, time with her parents once a week, perhaps a couple of visits from other family members once a week, catch-ups with friends, going to baby groups and meeting new people... that's actually a huge amount of socialising. I'd be wrung out doing that week in and week out on top of managing a small baby and household and trying to find a bit of quiet time for myself.

It's not "MIL-hating" to suggest that expecting more than once-weekly visits is a bit much. This, for example:

After all I am still my sons mum, does this not count for anything?

is pretty melodramatic when you're seeing the baby at least once weekly. That's a very long way from nothing. It's hard to compare for my PIL because they lived two hours' drive from us and frankly weren't that interested in their grandchildren anyway, but they saw my son, I think twice in his first four months, and my daughter once.

Have you spoken to your son about how you feel?

I regularly see my folks once a week with the kids, and DH takes them to his folks once a week (I go too sometimes and am always welcome, but I like a break sometimes now they’re older).

I think the relationship with maternal and paternal GP are different if the main caregiver/SAHP is the mum.

I like my MIL a lot, and in some ways she is more fun than my mum, but my mum has always been first to call for advice or help because she is my mum.

My baby is 16 weeks. I've been out and about since 3 weeks but I'm not great with dealing with people for extended periods of time. DS was/is a clingy baby and tbh I enjoyed having him close to me. And I didn't really want people to give me a break. Maybe talk to your son and dil and see what they want, you have years of time with your grandchild, they are just finding their feet as parents, take it slow and try not to make it all about you at this stage.

I think your dil sounds lovely and is very accommodating allowing you to come over twice a week, that's a lot. If I was you I'd say nothing and be happy with the number of visits you have. If you kick up a fuss all your dil will do is reduce visits as she's being generous as it is.

The dynamic with a mil is always going to be different than with your own mum. I can bet before your grandchild came along you didn't spend any time with your dil, you didn't just go for lunch or go for a drink together, she's just your son's g/f or wife of course that's totally normal, you have no reason to have a relationship with your son's partners. The only problem is once a grandchild comes along the dil is usually the one who takes the maternity leave. The dil is going to want to spend time with her own mum who she already had a close relationship with. What I found is that my mil had no interest in me, she'd talk to the baby through me and conversation with me was none existent. When my mum comes round or I meet her for lunch she wants to see me and chat to me, not just see my children. The title and your opening post about this being your sons baby suggests you have no interest in your dil.

Perhaps the house is always immaculate as your DIL feels obliged to clean it before you come round to impress you. And perhaps she refuses your offers of help for similar reasons - to look like she can manage. I and a lot of people I know would be the same. It’s just usually how it is with in laws I think; there is a sense of wanting to look like you’ve got your shit together, whereas with your own family it’s a different story and you would be happy for them to visit if things are messy, and hold the baby while you shower.

I feel like you aren’t taking on board what people are saying, and you do sound a little bit like you feel entitled to see more of the baby, when in reality you are seeing him a very reasonable amount.

Perhaps the house is always immaculate as your DIL feels obliged to clean it before you come round to impress you

Or could it be that she likes a clean and tidy house?