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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My sons baby

283 replies

Fcukfour · 10/10/2018 17:45

My son had a baby 16 weeks ago. They’ve bought baby round to my house once, I live 4 miles away. Am I unreasonable to want to see baby more? I do go there at least once a week, but I’m conscious of being “the interfering mother in law”

OP posts:
Original poster
Fcukfour · 12/10/2018 13:08

I thought that maybe you might be interested that today I sent my daughter in law a bouquet, called her, we talked, and I told her how I was feeling. I asked what she missed most before baby was born. She told me a visit to costa was now so difficult. She used to enjoy a coffee and cake there. So I suggested that we made a weekly visit together. She’s more than happy to do that with me, and I am so looking forward to this happening.

I truly thank those of you who were kind to me on here, you really made me feel better, that I was not a monster of a mother in law. You gave me courage to deal with my emotions and to approach my lovely daughter in law and tell her how I was feeling.

To those of you who were honest about your mother in laws, I thank you too. You gave me an insight to the other side of the story. Made me see that my relationship with my own daughter is different to that of my daughter in law. I also realised that no one would ever take the place of my own mother, no matter how kind and lovely they were, and I began to see how you all felt.

I feel sad that this will always be the way it is, because we are all mothers, and just want the best for our children and their children. But in doing so we can make another mother feel left out. Maybe a little thoughtfulness, understanding and kindness to our “other” mothers would make the world a happier place for us all.

OP posts:
SnuggyBuggy · 12/10/2018 13:12

That sounds great OP. I'm glad you have both found something that works for you.

Annajohnsdottir · 12/10/2018 13:19

That's wonderful OP! I hope you enjoy your weekly trips to Costa as a little family! So happy you plucked up the courage to address this and improve your situation Smile

PrincessTwilightStoleMyToddler · 12/10/2018 13:22

So pleased to see your update OP Flowers

I would really love my MIL (and FIL) to take more of an interest in my children and I think you’re doing brilliantly. You seem to have the relationship with your DIL that I would have rather liked to have with my MIL. (My DH is the SAHP and has a very close relationship with my DM, his MIL, so we know it can be done!)

CallMeRachel · 12/10/2018 13:28

Well done, you've approached it brilliantly Thanks
Enjoy happy times with your family

ALittleBitofVitriol · 12/10/2018 14:05

I'm glad you worked it out. Sounds like a lovely solution!

I was on the yabu side btw. Once a week is plenty for a grandparent.

You really did read as quite melodramatic about being owed grandchild minutes to me, but I acknowledge that I'm probably reading my own experience into that. I'm not MIL bashing, my experience was of my own mother telling me that "she will see her grandchild at least once a week" and other hysterics that made my becoming a parent all. about. her and her immense entitlement to my child.
Fwiw - my mother in law is an amazing woman and I see her regularly, chat to her just as a friend. She has a great relationship with my children primarily because she respects the boundaries that dh and I have. That respect was earned - sometimes hard earned on both sides - over years, after my children were born.

Sorry, don't mean to lecture. I just hope you're able to calmly let the relationship with your son's new family grow at it's own pace. Emotionally forcing your ideal now will backfire.

safetyfreak · 12/10/2018 14:10

Glad it worked out but this thread just makes me glad I have a daughter.

My brother girlfriend is pregnant and my mother has told me it is not the same as when I was pregnant. She feels she has to take a huge step back to not be seen as interfering.

It is sad but way things are.

Roussette · 12/10/2018 14:15

Well done Fcuk! It sounds like you already have a great relationship with your DIL, and it can only get better with your little grandchild.

PleaseLetMummySleep · 12/10/2018 14:18

@Fcukfour lovely to hear the resolution. Unfortunately you are many hours away from me Grin hope you enjoy getting to know your newest grandchild Thanks

PleaseLetMummySleep · 12/10/2018 14:22

Also just wanted to add, I have a lovely MIL. She moved in with us for 2 weeks when my baby was born, and in that time she cleaned our house regularly, made us breakfast lunch and dinner daily, cooked to fill up our freezer and took the baby at 5am every morning so that we could get a lie in (we were formula feeding). She was fabulous.

She also tells me regularly she is v grateful for this as many of her friends with sons do not get to have much involvement with the grandchildren. There may be backstories there tho, and perhaps the MILs in those families are not as kind as considerate as my own.

Dacresmallwilly · 12/10/2018 14:27

Interesting you said 'my son's baby' rather than 'my grandchild'.....do you have issues with your DIL?

explodingkitten · 12/10/2018 14:31

Well, it's probavly that you want to see the baby every week, her mother wants to visit every week, her brothers/sisters and friends want to visit too. It'll be stressful enough to try to be a family unit with her husband and child with everybody wanting to visit all the time.

AvoidingDM · 12/10/2018 14:51

Op can I swap MIL's???

You do sound lovely. Putting DIL first and asking what she misses has to be a great move. Flowers

I was going to say once a week is good going, but stay a wee bit longer than 30mins. I'm lucky to see my mum that much.

My kids play second fiddle to SILs. MIL would drive for 3 hours to see one of them in hospital. Wouldn't drive 30mins to see mine.

Original poster
Fcukfour · 12/10/2018 15:28

Dacresmallwilly. Did you not read anything else I put? No I do not have issues with my daughter in law. She’s amazing, as I have said many times in this thread. I have listened and took on board the advice given and have acted on it. Just to reiterate what I have already said, I put my sons baby so that people knew which grandchild I was talking about.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fcukfour · 12/10/2018 15:30

Pleaseletmummysleep. Ahh what a shame, but thank you for your kindness. X

OP posts:
Original poster
Fcukfour · 12/10/2018 15:32

AvoidingDM. Unfortunately there seems to be a queue forming 😊 if no improvement from yours then I’m sure we can look in to it. Thank you for your lovely comment. X

OP posts:
PrivateDoor · 12/10/2018 17:53

OP I am so glad things are looking up. I think you sound like a great mil. Just be careful not to take on too much with these weekly cafe trips - you already said that visiting them takes a lot out of you and is a struggle, please be careful and look after yourself too Flowers

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 12/10/2018 18:15

Op there are some utter shitheads on here- ignore them all this 'once a week is plenty' is bollocks. They SHOULD be making the effort to come to your house too! And before anyone asks, no, I am not grandparent age yet, I just understand how important a new baby is to the grandparents!
When mine were tiny, once I got over the birth (couple of weeks) we visited PIL once a week, and they popped round to see the baby a couple of times in the week. It's not that much too ask. A week between visits can seem a very long time when you are smitten with your grandchild. I'm sure they could manage a cup of tea at yours once a week.

AvoidingDM · 12/10/2018 19:32

InSpace when do you propose that people fit in multiple visits to/from GPs per week?

My mum tends to do Sunday dinner, so visit there takes up Sunday afternoon . We tend to go every other week. She takes LO one day per week which doubles as childcare and 121 time for them.
MIL we see at some point every other weekend. Shes not interested in a weekly commitment to childcare.

Week nights, by the time DH is in its dinner, chill for 30mins then start bathtime. The last thing i need or want is visitors at that time.

ohshitonit · 12/10/2018 19:44

Oh Inspace sod off, sounds like none of you could possibly have worked, most people's partners work 5 or 6 days a week so can't do multiple visits to multiple grandparents.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 12/10/2018 19:52

Calm down you two-I'm talking about while on mat leave. We would pop round PIL on a Sat morning for half an hour (who couldn't manage that?) and they would pop in during the day in the week. Families these days seem to be extremely selfish with their time. Of course things change once baby gets older if you go back to work.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 12/10/2018 19:56

ohshit it's not 'multiple', it's two sets of GP. Most people work 5 days a week, not six. Oh, and you sound like an arsehole.

Nellyelora · 12/10/2018 20:03

@InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream you're lucky that you can 'pop in', not everyone can. Am I selfish with my time because it would take me 2.5 hours to travel to my parents and an hour to travel to PIL? Should I travel all that way for half an hour?

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 12/10/2018 20:05

Of course not! I'm talking about if the GP are close by!

ohshitonit · 12/10/2018 20:05

2 sets? Loads of us are lucky enough to have divorced parents, so nah. I might sound like an arse hole but you sound like you have no life visiting grandparents all week.