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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My sons baby

283 replies

Fcukfour · 10/10/2018 17:45

My son had a baby 16 weeks ago. They’ve bought baby round to my house once, I live 4 miles away. Am I unreasonable to want to see baby more? I do go there at least once a week, but I’m conscious of being “the interfering mother in law”

OP posts:
ohshitonit · 11/10/2018 09:36

Eeeek cringing at the people on here brown nosing the OP.

Anyway, when our parents used to insist on coming weekly, that took up my husbands 1 day a week off (6 nights a week). Lovely.

Peachpie14 · 11/10/2018 09:49

Whilst you are as ‘related’ to DGC as your DIL’s mother you don’t have the same relationship with your DIL as her. So wether that’s her being completely honest and saying “right mum I’m knackered now, time to go” or sitting there with her boobs out breastfeeding she’s probably not going to want to do any of that with you and there’s the difference. It’s a different dynamic entirely, your DD’s probably have a different relationship with their MIL’s than they do with you, yes? Once a week visiting them is plenty, so just enjoy it for what it is. If you push for more you’ll end up pushing them away.

Nellyelora · 11/10/2018 09:53

I don't actually think you are being given a terribly hard time on here. Some posters have just pointed out that for some people a visit once a week (whether from mil/dm) is more than enough, that for some people they don't need/want help, that for some people perhaps the DS doesn't feel the need to visit if mum is willing to travel to him, that a DDIL will most likely be closer to her DM than MIL and the relationship will most likely be different. They're just offering different perspectives.

I still don't quite understand from OP's subsequent posts what she wants in order to become more involved. What are you doing with your Dd's that you want your DS/DDIL to do?

waterrat · 11/10/2018 09:55

The problem is you are talking passively about 'seeing the baby'. When I had a four month old I was EXHAUSTED. I wanted support and help not people who wanted to see the baby on their terms.

New mothers in UK culture are really left to just get on with it - nobody thinks about whether they want help getting dinner ready or someone to hold baby while they shower. It's cold and uncaring.

Have you said to your DIL - you must be exhausted would you like me to cook for you a couple of times a week so that you can nap while baby naps?

Think of the mum here and I think you will find you will end up closer to your grand child too.

At 4 to 7 months with both my babies I was in the worst hell of sleep deprivation.

GinUnicorn · 11/10/2018 10:07

OP it’s great you’ve asked and you sound like a great MIL.

With my little one I saw my own mother around once every ten days and my MIL much less.

This was no dislike of either of them. My mum helps a lot more so her visits are more pleasant. MIL always expects feeding and to be waited on. My mum brings fruit or asks if she can pick up milk etc.

However I’m really independent and being tied to seeing family more than once a week would have driven me mad. I keep myself really busy going to playgroups, lots of baby activities and I really enjoy my alone time when she naps.

I think it doesn’t mean you can’t be close to the GC but everyone is different.

Personally I really want both sides to have a close loving relationship and don’t think you need to be around every day to facilitate this.

I do think you could stay longer than 40mins though.

Wishing you all the best OP

GinIsIn · 11/10/2018 10:14

Can you arrange to spend extra time with them informally? For example, just drop them a text saying "I've made a few big lasagnes, I was going to freeze them but shall I drop you one round?" or the best thing my mum did was take away a few loads of the baby's washing for us and then drop them back a day or two later. The more help you can offer, the more likely it is you can spend more time there....

Bananarama12 · 11/10/2018 10:20

My MIL keeps demanding to see our baby at least once a week but we have our own lives. We both work different shifts so we don't have to depend on childcare so the weekends are ours to spend together with OUR child. I appreciate people want to be involved with baby but I had a baby for me and my husband, not anyone else.
You have to appreciate that baby will be napping a lot right now and maybe mummy isn't sleeping very well so she doesn't want visitors. She will still have housework to do and maybe doesn't want to make sure the house is clean for visitors. We all feel more comfortable with our own mum's generally of course so it is different.

SnuggyBuggy · 11/10/2018 10:54

At 16 weeks I was getting dressed but I certainly wasn't the hostess with the mostess. Hosting your MIL can be very different to hosting your mum

crispysausagerolls · 11/10/2018 11:14

I think you are giving yourself a hard time by comparing your DIL and your daughter in terms of how receptive they are being. Of course your daughter will include you far more - most people feel the need to “impress” their MIL in a way they don’t for their own mother, which makes having them round a lot more tiring. I had my mother at the birth of DS, but she certainly wouldn’t expect to be there for any children my SIL may have! It’s just a totally different thing. Yes, your son is your child but he is unlikely to be the primary caregiver, and I do think it’s reasonable that the person doing the most for the baby is able to make these decisions.

It sounds like you are a lovely MIL and have quite a good deal seeing the baby once a week. Try not to compare the two as much, it will get easier as baby grows.

Cheeeeislifenow · 11/10/2018 11:14

"New mothers in UK culture are really left to just get on with it - nobody thinks about whether they want help getting dinner ready or someone to hold baby while they shower. It's cold and uncaring."

Mil is offering to help. I hear the phrase it takes a village but no one wants to live like that anymore.
Maybe the phrase sould be,"it takes a a village to raise a child when you want free babysitting"

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 11/10/2018 11:22

"New mothers in UK culture are really left to just get on with it - nobody thinks about whether they want help getting dinner ready or someone to hold baby while they shower. It's cold and uncaring."

But that doesn't fit with all the DILs on MN who say their MILs want to be involved does it?

AromaticSpices · 11/10/2018 11:27

By the time I was four months in with my first I was absolutely exhausted. Maybe she doesn't want to have to host more than once a week. Once a week sounds fine to me by the way.

Agree with previous posters - offer to drop off some food 'for the freezer' in handy portions, offer to help out by taking her washing, maybe buy the baby a cute outfit in a style you know she likes (check with your son) or a nice blanket - all these things will give you an opportunity to pop round. It's little and often here, especially as you are close this will be easy.

AromaticSpices · 11/10/2018 11:31

Also I agree that it can be very different for a new mum to have her mum round compared to her mother in law. When my mum came round (about the same frequency as my MIL for what it's worth) I knew she wouldn't judge me for having a sink full of washing up/house untidy/pile of washing waiting to be sorted etc. But when my MIL came round I was worried that she would think I wasn't coping or that I was a lazy slattern! Plus I didn't exactly relish the thought of whipping a boob out and breastfeeding in front of her, whereas that didn't matter with my own mum. I know you are "genetically equal" but your relationship with your DIL is not the same as her relationship with her own mum. You must understand that?

peachgreen · 11/10/2018 11:38

Oh OP, despite there always being two sides to every story as someone with a small baby and sadly no MIL, I'd absolutely love someone to come round once a week and offer to take the baby out for a walk! I suspect your DIL might have issues of her own in terms of not trusting anyone else with the baby or wanting to leave the baby - try not to take it personally and just keep offering to help but accepting a no thank you graciously and easily.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 11/10/2018 11:41

I knew she wouldn't judge me for having a sink full of washing up/house untidy/pile of washing waiting to be sorted etc. But when my MIL came round I was worried that she would think I wasn't coping or that I was a lazy slattern!

But that's your issue and nothing to do with your MIL. If she came round and said nothing she'd be wrong for not helping and if she did roll her sleeves up and do the pots she'd be accused of overstepping the boundaries.

Lipsticktraces · 11/10/2018 11:41

I’m not brown nosing anyone @ohshitonit I think the OP has a right to be upset. She only gets to see her GC for a short period of time once a week. Her offers to help get rebuffed. Her son has brought his baby to visit her a paltry once in four months. I’d be hurt too if I was the op!

gothefcktosleep · 11/10/2018 11:45

I find it easier for people to come and see me... it’s more relaxing because DD is in her own environment plus when she projectile vomits itll be on our carpet and upholstery, not someone else’s... and the military operation of getting her in the car etc etc..

macnab · 11/10/2018 11:45

You sound lovely OP and I agree that others are projecting their bad experiences with their MILs. I have a great relationship with my mum and MIL and it sounds like you have a good relationship with you DIL. If I were you, I'd just have a chat with her next time you see her, let her know that you'd love to help more and that you're available if needed. Tell her your feelings - that you worry about her thinking you want to interfere etc. That you love your CG as much as all the others and you want to spend time with him/her - be honest with her! and see what she says.

ethelfleda · 11/10/2018 11:49

New mothers in UK culture are really left to just get on with it - nobody thinks about whether they want help getting dinner ready or someone to hold baby while they shower. It's cold and uncaring

This!
My own DM just desperately wanted to be involved by constantly giving unwanted (and outdated) advice. It was exhausting. If I’d ask her to hold the baby so I could shower - she would do it - but with a chorus of “well why can’t you just xyz” I got sick of seeing her at the beginning tbh.

DachshundGirl · 11/10/2018 11:50

Is it possible you’re projecting this feeling of being a victim and being left out to them? On here you really project this status of being a victim that I don’t think is justified, and if I was sleep deprived with a new baby I don’t think I’d be particularly tolerant of it. You’re focusing too much on the negatives, you’re seeing your grandchild once a week. You are choosing to not stay long, and what difference is it if you go there or they come to you?

Dorris83 · 11/10/2018 12:16

I think it sounds like you are setting a very nice groundwork for a future relationship with your new GC. BAby is only 4 months and that is very young.

My MIL is absolutely wonderful, she wasn't very involved in the early days but she did come and snuggle DS and she was interested in everything about him including nappies, feeding, sleeping... all that stuff that parents of small babies suddenly become obsessed with.

My MIL also never offers advice (even when she really really wants to!) but will if asked. She told use lovely stories about when DH was a baby, what his temperament was like, how he fed, lots of lovely details that let us compare DS to DH.

She wasn't around every week but she text me(not DH) regularly asking how DS was and rang us both to chat about him. All of this showed me how much she loved him and made me so happy that he had such an engaged grandmother.

Now he is 5 and boy does he love his Nanna. He has sleepovers there occasionally and spends up to a week during the summer holidays with them. They will randomly pick him up from school and take him for dinner and bring him back at bedtime. They have a wonderful relationship and DS is confident in their love for him.

So, the point of my loooong post is that it is hard now, but you are setting the foundations for a long and happy relationship with your grandchild. At this age supporting your son and DIL and being really interested in your GC will be the best thing you can do. I hope you end up being as close to this grandchild as you are with your others.

AromaticSpices · 11/10/2018 12:36

GreatDuckCookery I'm not denying it was my issue rather than an issue with my MIL, but that was exactly my point. That perhaps the OP's DIL is worried that she will judge the state of the house. I was trying to illustrate why she may be less likely to want to have her MIL round more often, a sleep-deprived daughter in law may feel pressure to keep the house nice. When there's other things to focus on. My MIL was lovely by the way, and still is. But I wouldn't have wanted to have her round more!

OutPinked · 11/10/2018 12:38

Once a week is fine... I don’t wish to see my mil or even my own mother more than that Grin.

DancingForTheDog · 11/10/2018 13:08

I think the OP has a right to be upset. She may have a right to be upset but that doesn't make her right to be upset! This is the usual case of mismatched expectations. Lower your expectations OP and you will be fine. "At least once a week" is enough in most people's book, and you have to respect their boundaries. If DIL gets wind that you are being critical you may push them away. Obviously dynamics are different with mothers and daughters rather than MILs and DILs, that's just the way it is. Personally I didn't want or need my mother or my MIL to visit more than once per week when mine were little. Everyone is different and you have to respect that. And that's not being horrible to the OP, it's just my opinion, which the OP has invited. If you posted this on Gransnet you would be advised to be grateful for the very regular contact you have and to tread very carefully, as there are many on that forum who are estranged from their GC and adult children.

blueskiesandforests · 11/10/2018 13:30

I'm not sure this is about supporting DIL - it's about wanting to see the baby.

"It takes a village" is nothing to do with everybody feeling entitled to X amount of time cuddling the baby, or taking ownership, it's about keeping an eye out, feeling responsible, communicating. It takes a village isn't about getting offended that the baby isn't brought to you.

It takes a village is me picking my neighbor's kid up when she falls over outside school and her mum isn't there, and her telling my son off for walking in the gutter not on the pavement when I'm not there, it's me doing volunteer traffic safety duty on the road outside the primary school, and other parents doing it on other days, so that all our children are safe without us all having to be there all the time, it's me helping my neighbor's teen with the school subject I'm qualified to help with and her helping mine with her stronger subject, it's my neighbour and I covering parents information evenings happening at the same time for different years between us because we can't be in two places at once, but we can because there are 2 of us, and her picking my youngest up on days I'm working and me driving her son to football training. It's my older neighbour feeding our fish when we're on holiday and us helping her with the fuse box when the lights go out or taking something to the tip for her. It's neighbours mutually being one another's emergency contacts to be called on if the parents aren't about.

It's not anyone expecting a given amount of duty visits or access. It's mutual help when needed.