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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My sons baby

283 replies

Fcukfour · 10/10/2018 17:45

My son had a baby 16 weeks ago. They’ve bought baby round to my house once, I live 4 miles away. Am I unreasonable to want to see baby more? I do go there at least once a week, but I’m conscious of being “the interfering mother in law”

OP posts:
kaytee87 · 10/10/2018 17:58

So you see the baby at least once a week? That's plenty. How much were you realistically expecting to see the baby?

Osirus · 10/10/2018 17:59

They will feel they don’t need to visit as you visit them once a week. My MIL always came here, once every week. My DD didn’t visit her house until she was nearly one. My MIL lives 1/4 mile away.

If my MIL came round more than once or twice a week it would drive me crazy. That’s me though, your son and DIL might be happier with more visits.

schopenhauer · 10/10/2018 17:59

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want to be more involved. What do you do when you are there? Do you expect to be waited on are do you help out a bit, eg make a cup of tea, ask if there is anything you could help with (I don’t know, ironing maybe), play with baby, maybe even ask if Mum/Dad would like you to take baby out in pram so they get a short break? Personally I would have liked that kind of practical help being offered, but sometimes it’s not needed and just having another adult to chat to is much appreciated.

Embracethechaos · 10/10/2018 18:00

Exciting times for you, congratulations, I've also got a 16 week old baby and she doesn't see her grandparents often as they live much further away but my mum did stay ar the beginning. Once a week sounds reasonable, but each family is different... In sure when maternity leave is over they will be happy for any help. Grin

MakeAHouseAHome · 10/10/2018 18:00

At least once a week is MORE than enough. Your DIL/son are being very accomodating.

Bluelady · 10/10/2018 18:01

What do you do to help, OP?

hallodarknessmyoldfriend · 10/10/2018 18:01

Once a week is more than enough. They probably need some time on their own too.

Thesearmsofmine · 10/10/2018 18:01

OP I understand you want to be more involved with the baby. Families are so different, my in-laws have always been very involved with my children, my family less so. I think as baby grows you will have more opportunities to get involved, days out, babysitting, taking to clubs etc.

catpooproblems · 10/10/2018 18:03

I don't think you should expect them to be visiting you at this stage. Send a nice message and ask when would be convenient for you to visit next? They're probably exhausted.

Say what!!?? They’ve had 4 months...surely you can get out the house? I’m sorry but this is CLASSIC Mumsnet. OP, I wouldn’t dream of of taking my child round to my mother in law’s once in four months and I speak from experience. I have a 4 year old and a baby who is 18 weeks. I simply don’t buy into the idea that you can’t get out the house. Also, if you got on before the baby was born I’d find that very hurtful

cptartapp · 10/10/2018 18:04

My DM lived four miles away, she drove and saw our DC much less than once a week, once a month wasn't uncommon.
What does 'at least' once a week mean? Two, three, four times. Another's thinking it's plenty.

HateIsNotGood · 10/10/2018 18:10

I have a 16 year old Son and I hope that one day he will meet someone he loves and gets on with and starts a family.

I'm an older DM myself and over the years I've watched friends and family become or really want to become GMs and now I finally understand it. I think if everything is otherwise well with you and DS and DIL (mother of your gs) then it is nothing but natural to want to spend time with your new gc.

All this - "once a week is enough", what more do you want? responses are very cold.

I know one thing for sure I would be trying to be as helpful as I could as I will never forget those early days/weeks/months/years when any kindly help was appreciated and has never been forgotten.

MemoryOfSleep · 10/10/2018 18:10

I have a 4 year old and a baby who is 18 weeks. I simply don’t buy into the idea that you can’t get out the house.

Well, bully for you. Not everyone is the same though.

Armchairanarchist · 10/10/2018 18:11

How often did your parents/inlaws see your baby? Once a week is quite is a lot. My MIL did this every Sunday, the only day we got to spend as a family.

PrincessTwilightStoleMyToddler · 10/10/2018 18:12

OP what was your expectation? Interested to understand what you were hoping for really. Not saying YABU OR YANBU just trying to understand really.

For context: My parents come to my house at least once a week, sometimes more. They take my eldest (nearly 3 yo) out on their own about once a week. I go to their house (around 20 miles away) perhaps once a month. They haven’t yet had my younger DC (6mo) alone as he is EBF. I am really close to my parents, and think they are excellent involved GPs. This set up suits all of us. The children have all their stuff here (not so much toys - my parents have a toy box for them - but things like endless outfit changes, cot for naps, bouncers, baby gym, little chairs, whatever my toddler’s current, ever changing, favourite food is). The kids are also happiest if they haven’t had to sit in the car for up to an hour. I am happy to have food and drink in for everyone and for my house to be the family hub if that makes sense? I also have more space here so better places to “host”. My parents can still come any time they like and have the advantage of their place not getting trashed. I would be very sad if they felt that this, because I wasn’t coming to them, was somehow excluding them or them not letting them be involved. I know they don’t feel like that and are happy with our set up. My PILs have an open invitation for the same but don’t tend to come, which DH and I are sad about, but as they also aren’t that welcoming when we go to them we are not about to do all the running.

papaoomama · 10/10/2018 18:12

I found too many visitors when my DD1 was that age very tiring as I was always bringing them tea and making conversation when I wasn't in the mood for it.

Really I had lots of things I wanted to be doing when baby was asleep and one of them was pumping to give breast milk! That was one of the reasons my supply dried up as I wasn't pumping regularly enough. I kick myself now that I wasn't more assertive.

One week we'd seen my mum at the weekend and three times in the week and she actually said on one of the days she didn't see me, "oh I missed you so much" and made a show of how they thought they would have seen baby every day.

I realised then that even every day would never be enough, as she would probably complain about when I went home and missing us. Had to limit it down to when it suits us as it stopped me from going to Playgroups.

Ending up going to groups every day and me and DD1 really enjoyed it.

Thelaststand · 10/10/2018 18:12

Fcuk obviously you want to be more involved. I would too!

If It was my dds, I’d ask what I could do to help. Mil would just sit here and wait for cups of tea to arrive, where my grandmother would be if I wanted a cuppa, put the washing out, took baby to the shops. She did things that helped us.

Why don’t you take that approach?

NotANotMan · 10/10/2018 18:13

Once a week is loads!

NovaArt3mis · 10/10/2018 18:13

I have a 4 year old and a baby who is 18 weeks. I simply don’t buy into the idea that you can’t get out the house.

I spy someone lucky enough to avoid crippling post-natal depression and/or anxiety.

Seniorschoolmum · 10/10/2018 18:14

Op, why don’t you extend an offer to look after little one while they have an evening out, if you want to do more.
Apart from that, once a week is ok isn’t it?
Your ddil is probably bonding, getting into her routine, spending time with other new mums, her health visitor and your ds.

Poodles1980 · 10/10/2018 18:16

My Mum comes over to me probably once a week but I don’t always go to her house. It’s hard with a new baby and to be honest the weekend is the only time we spend together so I don’t always want to go visiting.

littlemisscomper · 10/10/2018 18:18

The question is, when you go round there is it a case of you sitting on the sofa being brought tea and biscuits or do you tell your DIL to put her feet up while you watch the baby and do something helpful, like prepare a meal for the freezer and do a bit of dusting? While they shouldn't put upon you as free labour you shouldn't expect it to be all 'playing at visiting' when they must be exhausted enough as it is.

PotteringAlong · 10/10/2018 18:18

At least once a week if not more is loads! Remember maternity leave isn’t just about seeing grandparents; it’s about learning how to be a family and off doing stuff with your baby. You see them once? Twice? A week? Your son is at work so they want some time together. Imagine her mum demanded the same and then your down to 1 day to do baby groups etc.

mantlepiece · 10/10/2018 18:18

Invite them over for Sunday lunch, that’s usually an offer that’s not refused!

ShalomJackie · 10/10/2018 18:19

Speak to your son's partner and say how you feel but also say you are very aware that you don't want to be overbearing and a pushy Mil. You may find she welcomes an extra visit. As you are so close by why not ask if she would like you to have the baby if she has an appointments to attend suxh as haircut, doctor etc. Play it by ear and back off if the attention doesn't seem welcomed.

GummyGoddess · 10/10/2018 18:20

It's lovely you want to be involved, but baby is still tiny and they should be near to their mothers at this age.

I'm not sure what you mean by being involved, the baby can't go anywhere with you yet and still sleeps a lot.

My DC see grandparents every 2 weeks at most, partly because we are busy, partly because pil try and exclude me from my children, partly because dc2 won't be in the car long enough to see my dm and partly because we are tired and don't want to make small talk or drag all the paraphernalia around to sit in someone else's home.