My sons baby

[Fcukfour]

My son had a baby 16 weeks ago. They’ve bought baby round to my house once, I live 4 miles away. Am I unreasonable to want to see baby more? I do go there at least once a week, but I’m conscious of being “the interfering mother in law”

OP while it’s hard - and I can see why you’re feeling left out - I think if I were you I might try to focus on time together rather than where that time takes place if you see what I mean? So continue to go to see them but for longer visits? Keep inviting them to yours too of course but also try to spend longer at theirs. I think once a week for a few hours would feel much more satisfactory than this rather bitty snatched half hour or so set up. Tough though

If it helps for some balance, I am very very keen for my in laws to engage with my DC and have the same close relationship my parents do. However, in spite of DH’s and my best efforts (and our frequent invitations/reminders that they are always welcome) they remain disinterested. They miss major occasions and milestones and don’t really seem “ready” to be GPs (DH and I are not particularly young parents). So I’d rather have a MIL like you!

@Fcukfour

@manyotherposters.

This thread is so bleak, this person you're agging up is literally the mil that people would/should kill for, doing the very considered thing of seeking advice and opinion on an issue that given your reactions I assume you wish your mil had gone to the effort of doing and you are literally bullying her for asking. Do any of you read the thread to see if 150 other people have already said "once a week is enough ffs" or do you just spew it out after looking at the opening post?

OP you know how you maybe could help? - and nobody ever offered me this! Ask if they would ever like you to help out with baby early in the morning. God I would have given my hind teeth for a grandparent to hold the baby, change him, etc while I had a bath first thing. I do mean early by the way, e.g., 6am. I never had volunteers come that early lol. This would be helpful if your son / dil needs to get to an appointment on time. It would be a very generous offer on your part - especially if you are retired and used to later starts - but I as a mum would jump at that offer!

No one is saying a MIL is bad, but you are seeing the baby once a week.
Perhaps when you had a young baby you wanted your MIL, or your DM round all the time (if you had them at the time - apologies if you didn;t), but everyone is different.

The thing is you are looking at it from your point of view only, and concluding that you are being shunned in some way because you are a MIL.
In fact you are seeing this baby far more than many other MIL's or DM's would do if their children became parents.
You need to look at it from the point of view of your DDIL and DS, when it comes to young babies, I always take my cue from the parents and do things the way they want. Some people may like constant visitors and offers of help, some may prefer to geton with things in their own way and have visitor pop in once a week - your DDIL and DS seem to prefer the second way.
And that is fine.
It's not a rejection of you, or a putting you in the back ground because you are a MIL. You were more involced with your DDs babies - that's totally natural.
If my DDIL has a baby I would assume she would feel most comfortable with having help form he own Mum especially when the baby is little, she knows what her MUm is like at child care because she's grown up being cared for by her. She and I have a very close relationship, and I love her dearly, but I would never dream of trying to force her to let me be constantly involved with her new baby, I would give her the space to grow as a Mum with her baby and to treasure her experience of motherhood in the way she wanted to.
Of course if she wanted and asked for my help, i would do anything for her.
But thats' the point - I'd wait to be asked, I wouldn't presume a right of involvement.

Your level of involvement (which is actually quite a reasonable and normal amount) is not their priority right now, it's not about you, they have a new baby to care for.

Let them know you are there for them if needed, let them get on with things, and enjoy the time you do have with your grandson. With once or twice weekly visits you are going to have a far closer relationship with your grandchild than many people do who live a distance away from their family.

If the baby is 16 weeks old, surely then you have seen it 17 times ? Not once ? More than most MILs I'd guess.

Instead of just going there , try to be useful. Ring ahead and say you'll be over with a cooked meal for their dinner tonight. Then visit briefly, drop off the meal , and then head off home. You won't be the interfering mother in law, you'll be a welcome friend.

easyandy101
Why is disagreeing with someone 'ganging up' why do people who don't share your opinion 'spew' things when you 'say' them ? Seriously - get a hold of yourself.

This is AIBU - presumably OP wants to hear and address opinions that differ from hers. And to hear why her DDIL and DS are in her opinion not allowing her to be as involved as she'd like. Then she can think on and maybe have a different approach.

Also she is unhappy about the amount of time she has with them - if the majority of people say that it's a good amount of time, she might start feeling a bit happier about it, and less glass half empty.
People often say the same things over again on a thread because OP doesn't appear to be listening and only wants to hear things that back up her viewpoint. You can't help people if they won;t listen.
So that's another thing to consider before you start going on about people 'piling in'.

Congratulations to your son and his OH on the birth of their baby. I hope you are enjoying grandparenthood. You are so fortunate to be able to see the little one every week.

Not quite sure what advice you’re after but here’s mine: don’t make trouble with your son or his OH, when they are welcoming you into their child’s life once every 7 days. Don’t spoil your relationship with any of them, just because in your ideal world you’d see your grandchild more than that. That will make everyone unhappy, and most of all you. I think your level of contact is actually quite generous.

Unfortunately OP it will never be the same as with your daughters as most women will only tolerate their own mother being more involved. I certainly would have hated it if my MIL pushed to be more involved but luckily she doesn’t really like babies.

I think if my own mother hadn’t been around I still wouldn’t have wanted my MIL to be more involved. She’s little more than an acquaintance to me. I’m always polite to her but I wouldn’t want to see her more than once a week (that’s more than enough!).

In my experience fathers have little say in the early days/years, so you will not be able to expect him to lead the way so to speak.

It's your son's baby Op. Not only do paternal grandmothers generally get less input in to their grandkids, but there shouldn't be any expectation of any at all, (even if it was a daughters instead). You had your time. Let them have theirs. They will invite you when they want to and when they have found their feet.

If it's any consolation btw OP my MIL has seen our 16m old three times! And she only lives 2.5 miles away.

I won't let her anywhere near the house (not envy).

You have set your expectations by your daughters' standards. You can't expect your dil to behave as they did. You don't have the same relationship and she may have different expectations from a grandmother.

OP I would say exactly the same if you were the maternal grandmother. Once a week seems like a reasonable number of times to visit people. I assume they have other people to see/things to do as well? It’s nothing to do with you being the MIL.
Is your problem that you only see them once a week or that they don’t come to your house and expect you to go there?

God there are some nasty sods on here.

Op, you sound like a lovely, mother in law...... I honestly wish my dc were lucky enough to have a grandparent like you in their life. As it is they only have me and their dad. If you have a good relationship with your son try and have a little talk with him and see if there's a problem you aren't aware of.

Wow, just wow! Pop round with a cooked dinner, once a week or less is fine, your son should have no say in the early months just the baby’s mum. If I ever get a DIL like this she can go f*ck herself

As a Mother of three boys this thread is deressing. I will only be allowed to visit gc nce ER week, while I am there cook a meal and clean, don't ask to hold the baby. Don't have baby things at your own house bescauee it's "creepy" and "off putting". Never speak to dil about baby for fear of criticism. It's depressing.

Sorry about the typos...cracked screen.

Op you sound really lovely.

For what it's worth I adore my MIL and am probably closer to her than I am my own mum. However, me and DP don't see any of our friends or family as regularly as once a week and would likely struggle with this.

His parents are separated so 'keeping things fair' if mil visited one day, fil and his wife visited another and my DM on another day, adding in work pressures, appointments and friends, we would hardly have any us time!

I would put it in that perspective and think maybe of how many other people are maybe trying to fit in regular visits with your Dil. I wouldn't say it's necessarily because you are not her biological mother.

I wish someone would explain to me why a mother in law is so bad. If I was her mother would there be quite so many remarks about once a week being more than enough. After all I am still my sons mum, does this not count for anything?

It's nothing to do with being a mother in law. My own MiL (who is great) sees our son just as much as my mum does. Around once a week, occasionally twice.
At 16 weeks no one except myself or my DH was taking the baby for a walk, I felt very anxious when he wasn't with either me or DH.
Now at 2yo my MIL has ds over night occasionally and he loves his granny. She didn't have him by herself until he was 9mo and then it was gradually built up.
The baby is very small and they're finding their feet, give them time.
MIL used to invite us round for dinner once a week when ds was newborn which was very welcome, could you do that?

Cheeeseislifenow you said it so much better than me. I have two sons and I’m incensed by the demands. Women have been having babies and supporting one another for ever but not anymore it would seem.

yeah kurri understood, except by the third post on the 1st page of the thread she had said thanks, I guess I'm being unreasonable. To then think oh wait this conversation will really go somewhere if I parrot the exact phrase and sentiment of almost everyone else

that's just being unpleasant innit?

And love the "it's just the Internet" argument yeah man just words on a screen, when's that ever hurt anyone

I wish someone would explain to me why a mother in law is so bad. If I was her mother would there be quite so many remarks about once a week being more than enough. After all I am still my sons mum, does this not count for anything?

It’s nofhing to do with MIL’s being bad! I love my MIL. I think once a week is enough to see any member of the family if you’re also fitting in other family members/friends etc. For example my IL’s live abroad but if they were here that would mean seeing my mum, my dad and stepmom, PIL’s and SIL once a week, plus friends. If we saw them all more than once a week it wouldn’t leave much time for anything else.

FcUKfour my MIL, who sadly died young last year, was far more involved with my children than my own mother and saw them more. I found my mil easier and more helpful because she was interested in playing with toddlers and teaching older kids her skills etc not only in cuddling babies, and also because she would muck in with things more - my own mother wouldn't so much as boil a kettle or put her own mug in the dishwasher, and criticised everything I cooked (slow cooker or bung in the oven stuff a couple of weeks post birth) as too "heavy".

I wouldn't have wanted my own mother around more than once per week either - but my mother expected to be given the babies to cuddle and be waited on as though she was the one who'd just given birth, but hand them back for nappy changing. She came to stay after dc2 was born and created more work for me than my toddler, whilst stressing me hugely by refusing to let me hold my own baby except if he needed feeding or changing, and making out that she was doing me a favour giving me time to do housework (I'd just had a cesarean section and she advised me to get on and do a deep clean while she was there to cuddle the baby).

The thing is I didn't want anyone to hold my babies as a favour to me - I understood grandparents wanted to cuddle them and let them, but it wasn't doing me a favour, I didn't want my hands free or a break. Once I was able to after my cesarean sections I used a wrap slings and goton with things with my toddler/s, but I didn't want to be apart from my non mobile babies. Having another adult in the house wanting the baby wasn't helpful.

I had babies because I wanted them, not because I wanted time to mop the floors or get away from them.

When DC3 was born I declined help and invited people to meet the baby but upset my mother by saying that I didn't want help or her to come alone for an extended stay. It was a thousand times easier for me to be alone during the days with dc3 and 2 toddlers (and dh there evenings and weekends) but no grandma "helping" than it had been when my mother "helped" after dc2 was born.

Your Dil is just a different person to your daughter. She may not want the baby constantly taken out of her arms. She may be a more private, independent, or introverted person. She may be the same with her own mother.

OP remember that this baby will grow and become more independent and there will be more you can do together. Support the mother at this point, ask if there is anything she needs, don't push for alone time with the baby unless she suggests it.

Once a week is a lot more than most grandparents these days.

Why not say something to her along the lines of ‘I love you both do much but I’m not sure what to do to support you more. Would it help if I did the weekly shop for you, or brought round a takeaway one evening a week, or maybe I can take the ironing home with me and help with that?’
If you switch the focus to your DIL and being the best MIL for her, then she’s much more likely to let you bond more with your GC. It’s just a question of working out how to be a solution for her in her now very busy life, and not a problem.

OP, you see the baby once a week which I think is fair.

Also, as someone who has a 7 month old I have found it easier by far to have people come to me rather than me go to them because I have everything I need for baby at my house, nappies, toys, bouncer, clothes if there is a nappy explosion etc. So I'd much rather people came to me.