My sons baby

[Fcukfour]

My son had a baby 16 weeks ago. They’ve bought baby round to my house once, I live 4 miles away. Am I unreasonable to want to see baby more? I do go there at least once a week, but I’m conscious of being “the interfering mother in law”

Did your daughter in law visit you regularly before she had a baby? Did your son and daughter in law visit together more than once every few months? Did your son spend a lot of time at your house until 4 months ago?

Have you been visiting them more than you used to before they had a child?

Is your son on parental leave? Did he take more than 2 weeks parental leave?

If they are visiting less than they used to but are visiting others more it may be because you are visiting them so frequently.

To me it depends whether despite the fact that you only saw each other a couple of times per month pre pregnancy you are esentially expecting them to bring the baby to you because you want baby time, or whether they have always visited multiple times per week but have cut back since the baby was born.

I would imagine that they tbink you are seeing the baby a lot, because you visit so much, and that that is why they visit other people when they go out and about.

If you visit twice per week, and daughter in law's parents do the same, that only leaves 3 days per week to visit other people or have a day at home doing chores or just resting or shock horror go out somewhere without it being a visit.

That's even more relevant if your son is back at work, so all the visits involving him are evening or weekend.

It's very early on to be seeing a lot of the baby. Everything's still kind of a blur for me at 6 months on, 16 weeks on...I can't even remember most of it.

I struggled to walk 7 minutes down the road today because it's really dangerous trying to cross the roads where I live and there aren't any protected pedestrian crossings. So I just gave up and we came back home. I just don't have the mental and physical energy I use to.

Once a week sounds good for now. I wouldn't have it in me to have either my Mother or MIL over once a week tbh. Things msy change for the better when the baby is older. Surely your son & DIL will want to go out for some alone time eventually and you could spend more time with the baby then.

Oh, good point, blueskiesandforests. My mum tends to see dc more because she is still visiting me with the same frequency as before I got pregnant in the first place. Pil never came to see us and even DH is resentful that they want to come now, he feels like they don't care about him, only the dc.

Id be gutted if i didnt see my mother every day regardless - but we arereally close!

Without being rude - once a week is more than enough to see a MIL though??

Ask your son if he wants to come over??

To those wanting to be more involved...they might not need any help? With hindsight I could have been a bit more sensitive to my PILs wanting to help during my maternity leave but I genuinly didn't need them...ebf baby so couldn't be left, napped lots so the place was clean, had NCT friends so was getting out of the house...

Once a week sounds like plenty to be honest. How often were you seeing them before? The reason I ask is I had pretty much no relationship with my mil before my baby (we live far away) and she has never shown any interest in me or our lives. All of a sudden when our son came along she expected us to be meeting up all the time, chatting on the phone etc and being really involved with my son. Without the previous relationship there I find it suffocating.

Lots of PP are asking what you do when you go to their house. I wonder how the visit went the one time they came to you. Is your DIL BF? If so, does she like to go to another room away from other people to do it? Maybe she felt uncomfortable doing this in your house. Did you try to take over too much because it was your territory? Staying in their own home could be their way of keeping control if others are interfering.

God people on this site are horrible. I thought my other forum was bad

Just have a conversation. With my first son my MIL came over 3/4 times a week the first 3 months or so and it was very welcome.

We get on very well and I’d go there too.

It’s less frequent with DS2 who is 7 months but I see her at least twice a week with pleasure.

I have a 4 year old and a baby who is 18 weeks. I simply don’t buy into the idea that you can’t get out the house.

I spy someone lucky enough to avoid crippling post-natal depression and/or anxiety

interesting that you would jump to that conclusion - you know absolutely zilch about my mental health. I just don’t believe you can’t pop into your mother in law’s more than once in four months. it seems clear on MN when your opinion isn’t what someone else likes they jump to conclusions. The fact remains that 4 months and a baby has been to its gran’s house once with no obvious backstory. I don’t think much of your son OP. Surely he could pop in with the baby for half an hour or so?

I think you sound really sweet OP, and I doubt very much you are "that" mother-in-law. You have too much self-awareness.

I would just make it known that you're happy to babysit any time, but make sure it's phrased as an offer for their benefit and not a hint. There will be a time when they'll be desperate for a break from the baby.

To those wanting to be more involved...they might not need any help?

Yes Camomila ! Agreed about this. I felt like I didn't want any help and very much wanted to do things myself. I was very lucky to have a straight forward birth and very well baby so whilst tiring we always felt we could cope just fine.

Oh and also if anyone would have been wanting to make freezer batches of dinners for the cooker and going about mine and DH's kitchen I would be annoyed! I would have taken that as an insult to be honest.

papaoo and Camomilla I agree about not wanting any help. I breastfed and used wrap slings and certainly wasn't keen to be away from my babies (any of them) before they were big enough to walk away from me.

I taught evening classes from when dc3 was 4 months, and being away from him for 4 hours because I was working was ok, but I left him with DH and it was good for him to be in sole charge once per week. I briefly went back to work full days when dc1 was 6 months and hated it, and only worked out my notice.

To me the point at which the child can move away from me of their own accord has always seemed a natural time to slowly stsrt being apart a bit, but at 16 weeks the only person I wanted to hand any of my babies to was DH.

What do you want to do to be more involved? What we're you expecting? I didn't really feel that I needed anyone else involved, certainly not in the early days as there wasn't much they could do apart from nappies as I was breastfeeding (now that dd is 3 help would be very much welcome!).

I had no issues getting out the house with a tiny baby but I HATED visiting family - both sides. Dd just cried all the time, we couldn't just visit for an hour or two - we'd be expected to stay for 4-6 hours, there was no where for dd to nap, dd would get so worked up she'd just constantly breastfeed which then led to MIL to give unsolicited advice about bf and my dm to insist I should use formula. Lots of randoms would turn up expecting to hold dd. Quite frankly it was just easier for me if MIL/DM visited me even if they did both expect being waited on hand and foot. I would also have found once a week visits too much but I like my own space/bit of a loner.

I think it's best to think about what you actually want. If you'd like them to visit you then invite them, perhaps they feel it's not necessary if you are willing to come to them as it will be easier for them? Is there space for the baby to nap or space for the pushchair so it can nap? Will they be expected to pass their baby around to lots of people? Is DIL bf, some mothers prefer privacy to do so others dont? Will you provide food? (my DM never offers food but expects it at our house)

I don't think you're unreasonable to want to visit more than once a week, but I think if you want more than that it would be nice to offer to help - go over and sit with the baby while your daughter-in-law has a shower and a nap, or bring dinner around for them so they don't have to cook or worry about getting takeout, something like that. If they say no, they say no, but it wouldn't hurt to ask.

Have you asked them gently?

Once a week sounds fine, but perhaps if you invited them for a roast/Indian takeaway once a week they might jump at it? I know you shouldn't have to "buy" them, but if their lives are hectic right now the offer of a meal might be the key?

Do you invite them round? Once a week would be fine for lots of people but if you want to see them more, just ask! If they say no there's your answer.

OP what do you do when you visit/have them to visit?

Do you offer to cook them a meal, hold the baby, get drinks, make a cup of tea?

Or do you give unsolicited advice and sit around expecting to be waited on?

My mum is really helpful with our 2 dc. The first time my mil met dc2 was when he was 3 days old and I was sitting on the sofa breastfeeding, DH was seeing to a grumpy dc1. Mil asked me if DS2 was sleeping through yet then complained that DH hadn’t made her a cup of tea yet. Guess which grandma sees the kids more?

If you're visiting 'at least' once a week, you're not really giving them much opportunity to come to you.

How often did you visit them/see each other before the baby arrived?

Practically you can't be much help with a baby but it will be easier to get involved when they are older.

I think the previous suggestion to invite over for lunch is good, they might appreciate that as a help.

Sometimes things just slide a certain way and they are used to you going over, you see the baby and so there is no burning need to come to your house.

This makes me sad. My mum has seen my children at least 4-5 times a week since birth, the eldest is 10. I know that’s excessive though but it works for us. I’d be devastated if my children didn’t want me around when they have children. I can understand why others feel differently from their own experiences, just seems sad if there’s a loving grandmother wanting to help and not being sure that there’s a little more room for her in their lives.

I really hope you find a happy balance somehow OP.

How can you be 'more' involved? What were you expecting to be doing at this stage?

Would love for the OP to come back as along with others I wonder what the expectations are.

My mum and MIL want to do everything. They want to buy the first shoes, bike, be the one to take her to visit Father Christmas. Sorry but I set my boundaries and said no. They've had their children, now this is our turn to do those special things. It doesn't take away the fact I appreciate they want to do it but I feel annoyed if they get upset or make me feel guilty for wanting to do it over them.

Also everyone is different. I can't imagine saying to either set of grandparents "watch DD while I have a shower" and not would I want to! I'm happy getting on with things myself.

My GP were never this involved with us when we were little but my mum will say "but we're 'hands on GP" and it's stifling.

I see both sides (and think it’s fine you only see him/her once a week) but I do get the feeling they cba to bring the baby to see you which must feel a bit hurtful.