My sons baby

[Fcukfour]

My son had a baby 16 weeks ago. They’ve bought baby round to my house once, I live 4 miles away. Am I unreasonable to want to see baby more? I do go there at least once a week, but I’m conscious of being “the interfering mother in law”

I don't think it's to do with being a mil. My mum comes around 2 hours once a week and it drives me nuts as I feel it is very frequent compared to my other siblings and I am busier than them. Once a week is lots and frequently feels like too much when I see my husband only one day a week (because of his working hours).

Oh and FWIW we see my mum, who is great and helpful and lives approx 500 yards away, once a week. She works full time during the week and we try and keep one day ‘free’ at the weekend to do things just the four of us as DH doesn’t see much of the DC during the week, so we see her on a Saturday. She is adored by her grandchildren.

It is interesting you mention your son had a baby, you don't mention your daughter in law, how is she recovering? is she enjoying the first few months at home?
Have you offered to help with jobs in the house? Take some ironing home or watch the baby while she takes a shower? Do you pop in with a casserole or bake a cake?
Once a week sounds fine but if you offer help rather than just being a visitor requiring tea and refreshments you might find things change.

It is interesting you mention your son had a baby, you don't mention your daughter in law, how is she recovering? is she enjoying the first few months at home?
Have you offered to help with jobs in the house? Take some ironing home or watch the baby while she takes a shower? Do you pop in with a casserole or bake a cake?
Once a week sounds fine but if you offer help rather than just being a visitor requiring tea and refreshments you might find things change.

Is op allowed to even look at the baby whilst she is doing all of these jobs???

You asked for opinions so politely and reasonably. I can’t understand why some people have been hostile and rude to you!
If I were in your position I would probably want to be with them all the time but like you, I would not want to upset them. I haven’t got to grandparent stage in life yet but I can imagine feeling very like you. The people suggesting you offer help make good points I think. Could you go and be involved in helping in some way?

You sound really lovely and conscientious OP and I'm sorry you're feeling deflated and upset. You're right, MN on the whole doesn't like MILs and I wouldn't be surprised if your DIL was on here. I do think MN can be persuasive at times and I think a lot of DILs post here about their MIL looking for some kind of confirmation that they're ok to not want to see her, take her advice or the many other reasons they post here.

It's early days and the baby is still tiny, be patient and let the new parents find their feet and I bet all will come good. I hope so, you sound like a gem of a MIL to me.

I saw my MIL and DM more than once a week when DCs were tiny. I couldn't imagine only seeing them once a week but I was close to MIL too. MIL used to spend a day/eve here every week when DH was at work and we would see her weekends too. My mum used to pop in after work most days. I loved it.

Its tricky as all families are different so you are only going to get other people's personal experiences on here. Some people can't understand families wanting to be in touch most days and others can't understand having contact once a month.

Honestly the nastiness on this thread is unreal. Why does everyone hate MILs so much. My MIL was fab and we treated her the same as my DM.

You sound lovely OP. Just chat to your son, yo be honest if my MIL came round and only stayed half hour I would have assumed that's all she wanted to do, sounds like your trying a bit too hard to not being involved, it may be having the opposite effect than you want. See if they want to come to dinner/go out for the day. My MIL used to come round, let me feed DS then I would go to bed for 4 hours (he never slept at night) whilst she sat and cuddled him watching tv. Amazing!! She passed away when DCs were 5&3, miss her so much.

Do they tell you that you can only come once a week and can only stay 40 mins?

DIL could be thinking ‘why does MIL only stay for 40 mins? She spends far more time with her own daughters DC. Maybe she’s more interested in them’.

Does your son work normal Mon-Fri hours? If he only gets two days off a week, and there’s expectations from both sides of GPs that they should be having weekly visits, then that wouldn’t leave them much time at all to spend time as a family, or see their own friends who might want to see the baby.

Try and remember what it’s like when you have small children and a job. Whole months can go past in a blur. Your weekly visit might not seem much to you, but it probably feels like they’re seeing a lot of you to them.

After a sleepless night thinking about everything said on here, I would like to point out that I have said I don’t sit around doing nothing, I offer to do anything needed. I have also said I am proud of my daughter in law and that she is doing a wonderful job with baby. I do wonder wether some of you actually read the thread or just want to use me as a whipping post for your dislike of your own mother in law. That’s fine, you let it all out. It’s a shame that you haven’t got a relationship with them. I am genectally equal to the maternal grandmother but it seems that it counts for nothing when asking for advice from many of you. To those lovely people who have been kind, thank you, it’s much appreciated. I am genuinely shocked at the animosity from complete strangers who know nothing about me, other than the simple sentences I put on here, just enquiring as to wether I was being unreasonable. I put that I would take on board what was said, and I will. I just hope that when you are in my position that you remember what you’ve said.

OP you sound like a fantastic MIL! You really do - I only wish my own wanted to be so involved with her grandchildren. I grew up very close to my grandparents and it was wonderful to feel so loved by so many people. It’s sad that my own DC won’t have that experience. From everything you’ve said, you sound great! Your grandchildren are lucky to have you in their lives

Once a week is a perfect amount. Make sure you don't all get tied to that time slot though. Maybe the little family are doing really well and getting out loads together in which case they won't want to be tied to waiting in for Granny. Why not suggest a walk in the park or something?

It's a hard one. I am really fond of my MiL, she is a lovely mother, MiL and grandmother. But she isn't my mother. I wouldn't have gone round to see her solo pre baby and wouldn't so much now, we see her regularly but my husband facilitates and organises that contact much as I do with my parents. So it may just not be 'on her radar' to pop round regularly because she wouldn't have done pre-kids, and you're not her mother. This doesn't mean you are overbearing or doing any wrong. And I can imagine it doesn't feel nice when you have daughters and are used to that level of involvement.

However it sounds like you all get on well, and as the baby gets older it will be easier for you to be involved. You may never have exactly the same relationship as you do with your daughters and their babies, but as this baby gets older your son will be able to play a more active role in facilitating it. For example, when mine were babies they didn't go anywhere for long without me. As they got older, dh would take them to stay with MiL for the weekend etc, she could come and stay and take them out etc.

OP do you want to be my MIL? You sound great!

That said, the MIL I have is very nice too 😀

I'm expecting my first baby and have felt very anxious throughout the pregnancy. It sounds bad but how ever nice my MIL is sometimes I just want to be with my mum and I think I will feel like this once the baby is here too. I think this is quite common I'm afraid and stems from the fact that it's the women who goes through the physical side of parenting, childbirth, breastfeeding etc. When you feel vulnerable there's just no substitute for your mum!

This might be why you're experiencing a different approach with your DIL than your daughters. It doesn't sound like there's anything you're doing 'wrong', it's just the dynamic is a bit different. As the baby gets bigger it will probably get easier as your DIL get more comfortable and, as other posters have said above by the time he/she is a toddler, they'll probably be able to come and spend the night at grannys house.

Keep doing what you're doing and try not to worry! X

OP please don't take some of these posts to heart as hurtful as they are. MN is known for its hatred of MILs as you now well know and no matter how wonderful you are there will always be someone pop up to say you're not.

People seem to forget that a baby had two parents and the fathers thoughts and feelings matter just as much as his wife's.

Talk to your son OP.

I've got 2 sons and will only ever be the MIL

I think I'll throw myself off a bridge right now.

You sound lovely OP. It's really hard to comment without knowing the relationship though. I find my DM really hard, we didn't have a great relationship growing up and I feel smothered really easily which makes me act all childish and snappy so I have to minimise time with her. That sounds really bad but we've just never had the close relationship that I think she thinks we do have. My MIL is a bit quirky but I find her easier because she doesn't smother like my DM, she calls a spade a spade and doesn't lean on us as much.

I would just be honest with them and say you're happy to support them and help and for them to let you know if you could be doing a bit more or things a bit differently, then the ball is in their court. My BIL and SIL are hopeless and we never see our niece or nephew, but we have accepted that's just how they are and do our best given how little we see them.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. Do not be hard on yourself. Only another paternal Nan will know how this can feel.
I've been in a very similar situation myself as a recent 1st time Nan. It's only natural you want to see baby & help out. Personally, I've found it a very emotional time. You so want to bond with the baby yourself whilst helping out the new parents & often feels like treading on eggshells. Added into the mix is it other Grandma. Who seems to be there constantly... while you're patiently waiting your turn to get a look in! Lots of people have told me this is how it is when you're the paternal Grandparent.
I think seeing Baby once or twice a week is find. You've offered to help out. They must surely appreciate that. Does sound like they could make more effort to come to you now & again especially as you're local.
Could you have a quiet word with your son explaining a bit of how you feel? I did this with my son but via messages as found easier to explain without getting emotional/falling out. The new parents are naturally so wrapped up with their precious newborn that they likely haven't realised how you feel.
Turns out the maternal Nan in my case was being too overbearing and they asked her to back off
Over time things will fall into a more natural routine, as they have for me. Hopefully soon be begging you to babysit. It's a rollercoaster of emotions. All the best.

On a practical level most women are going to be more comfortable breastfeeding and being in their PJs around their own mums. It's not about "being fair" but about the new mum doing what she needs to when adjusting to a new baby.

I have a FANTASTIC MIL. She is so good with our children. However, I like my space. We only see MIL once a week and that is enough. I only see my own DM the same amount of time
Take heart OP, you sound lovely and o bet you will develop a lovely relationship with your gc. Invite your son and DIL over for dinner, offer to help out if your DIL has any appointments

You sound lovely OP. I’ve got 7 week old twins who could use an extra granny. Come round anytime.

You’ve had a rough ride on here. Only in the land of Mumsnet would you be called unreasonable for shock, horror wanting to be involved in your GC life. Once a week is nothing!! My DM would be gutted if I only let her see twins once a week! My MIL is hundreds of miles away and I wouldn’t limit her either if she lived closer. I am baffled when you say they refuse your offers to help If they are finding parenthood that much of a breeze then they can definitely find the time to take LO round to yours now and then. Your life doesn’t grind to a halt where you can’t function once you have a baby, despite what is said on Mumsnet.

I would love to take my twins round to my parents house. I can’t because my DF is a heavy smoker and I simply won’t risk their health. You’re not a smoker by any chance are you?

I’m sorry your DS and DIL aren’t more accommodating. It must be very tough

I want a spare granny for my DC! Mine have never had a traditional granny, my DM is too busy fostering and their F doesn't have a DM! I'd love a spare granny to give them cuddles, advice, spoil them with sweets, take them to the park and annoy the bejesus out of me!
You sound lovely OP!

@SnuggyBuggy. The baby is 16 weeks old. You’d hope the DIL is past the in pyjamas all day stage by now

I’ll fight you for her @awesmum