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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My sons baby

283 replies

Fcukfour · 10/10/2018 17:45

My son had a baby 16 weeks ago. They’ve bought baby round to my house once, I live 4 miles away. Am I unreasonable to want to see baby more? I do go there at least once a week, but I’m conscious of being “the interfering mother in law”

OP posts:
Wearywithteens · 10/10/2018 20:23

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

thecatsthecats · 10/10/2018 20:41

Weary

Is that not part of the cause, not the symptom though? With parents wanting family time whilst still on maternity leave, presumably knowing that the grandparents will have lots of time with the children later?

Say each set of grandparents see them once a week, plus maybe one sibling. Then a friend, and a baby group. That's five days of visits in a week, plenty for the parents.

TulipsInBloom1 · 10/10/2018 20:43

Maybe they dont need to bring baby to you because they have you coming to theirs once a week. What would happen if you didnt go that week?

Are there reasons a baby may not be a suitable guest? Do you smoke indoors or have a big or agressive dog?

teaandtoast · 10/10/2018 20:55

@Fcukfour - if you have the mindset of what can I do to make dil's life easier, like my mil had, it goes a long, long way.
I was closer to my mil than my mother.

Original poster
Fcukfour · 10/10/2018 22:35

For all of you, thank you for your advice. I do not try to take over, offer advice, or expect to be treated like royalty. I offer to help, make tea, take baby out for a walk, but am politely refused. This is my 4th grandchild but the others are my daughters. I know that daughters will look to their mothers for help etc. I have a very close bond with my other grandchildren and want the same for this one. It appears though that I have misunderstood my place as a mother in law. Wow, we really aren’t liked by mumsnet are we. My daughter in law and I have a good relationship. They visited often before baby. I just want to make their lives easier. I never had my mother around when mine were born, I really missed her. I will take on board what you have all said, you are a younger generation than I, and will be content with what I have. My house is full of things for baby, cot, pram, toys, spare nappies etc. So I know that’s not the issue. Maybe I need to realise things are different when your the in law. Again thank you for your help.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fcukfour · 10/10/2018 22:41

And when I do go, it’s only for half an to an hour. I don’t want to be a nuisance to them, just want to be involved. I always check it’s okay, never turn up unannounced. So if anyone wants a granny going spare, let me know. 😉

OP posts:
TulipsInBloom1 · 10/10/2018 22:47

That you have all that baby kit in your house would put me off. It screams "leave baby with me".

Original poster
Fcukfour · 10/10/2018 22:57

Tulips in bloom, they are from my other grandchildren. They know it’s here. My daughter thought it nice she could just bring baby and not have the worry of all the baby stuff she would have to bring.

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HouseQueen101 · 10/10/2018 23:08

From what you’ve said, I think you sound like a lovely mil. Wish my mil wanted to see my children once a week. My DM has all the baby kit at hers too, so much easier when we stay and don’t have to bring things. When she says no to your help maybe its because she doesn’t want you to think she can’t cope, I was like that with my first, stupidly refused all help as I wanted everyone to think I could manage 🤗

Original poster
Fcukfour · 10/10/2018 23:25

Thank you housequeen101, maybe you're right. I wondered if she thought that too. Maybe I just have to wait and see .

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Zigazagazoo · 10/10/2018 23:25

You sound like a lovely mil.
My mil sees dd around once every 3 weeks. She’s 19 weeks old. Dh has a full on job and I’m back at work too so we don’t have a huge amount of time to see her (or my family for that matter).
I do suggest he takes her over when I’m at work on a Saturday but it’s his call.

ThisBitch · 10/10/2018 23:26

If my MIL kept coming to my house Weekly I'd be out and about a lot too.

HollowTalk · 10/10/2018 23:29

You sound like a lovely MIL.

My friend's son has had a baby and she asks them to dinner once a week - it saves them cooking and it means she sees them and the baby. Could you do that?

Original poster
Fcukfour · 10/10/2018 23:33

Yes hollowtalk I think I’ll try that, it seems a good idea.
Thisbitch, I’m sorry you feel like that, but we’re not all bad.

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Fraula · 10/10/2018 23:37

You seem very thoughtful. I hope things improve for you.

LellyMcKelly · 10/10/2018 23:37

You sound lovely and you’re doing your best, as we all are, and they are lucky to have you so close by. Remember that your closest relationship is with your son, not your daughter in law, so invite the family over through him, as you would with your daughters. When my DS2 was little he didn’t sleep, ever, and I was permanently shattered (I was averaging about 3 hours broken sleep a night). Even someone showing up for a cup of tea so I had to be civil and get dressed was an extra effort I didn’t need. Your son might take the opportunity to take the little one over for an hour to you so his wife could get a rest. It will get easier as they get older and the cousins want to spend time together, so hold tight, it will get better,

MrsApplepants · 10/10/2018 23:40

You sound lovely. But it is different being the MIL. Take a step back, give them some space and take your lead from them, it really is about your DIL’s needs, not yours right now.

ohshitonit · 10/10/2018 23:44

Once a week is more than enough, I had my mum, dad and mil all visiting once a week separately and it was a huge contributing factor to my pnd as I felt totally suffocated.

KurriKurri · 10/10/2018 23:44

I'm probably the only person that thinks this -as no one else has mentioned it - but the thread title is 'my son's baby' and you open by saying 'my son had a baby...'

The child is your DS and DDIL's child, and the person who 'had' the baby was your DDIL.
Now that may seem a bit picky, but it is twice in the opening part of your post, and it seems to me there is an underlying tone of dismissing your DDIL's importance.

Maybe she is picking up on this. You may be doing it unconsciously, but be careful of the language you use, you might be sending messages you don't want to send, or you might be letting your true feelings out without realising it. (when your DD's had their children did you say that their DH's had 'had' the baby and refer to the child as your Son in laws baby?' or did you include your DD in her rightful place as the baby's mother and the person who gave birth ?

If my MIL had said that it was my H who had 'had' the baby, I'd have been ticked off, considering he basically just stood there and watched. I imagine that at this stage your DDIL is doing the majority of the childcare, and all the important stuff of bonding with her baby, getting to know him, settling him into his routine etc etc. It sounds as if she (and your DS) have been incredibly accomodating having you come over at least once a week. - That's quite a lot of time.
Give them a bit of time and space, when they are ready they will let you take the baby out for a walk, there's no rush. And make sure the properly acknowledge your DIL's role as the child's mother.

SputnikBear · 10/10/2018 23:50

I couldn’t put up with taking DC to see my MIL every week. I don’t think it’s necessarily the case with all in-laws though - my ex-MIL was amazing and I loved popping in for a cuppa. If she was my DC’s GM then I’d be more than happy to take them to see her regularly. I just can’t stand my current MIL. Maybe you don’t have such a good relationship with your DIL as you think?

Floralnomad · 10/10/2018 23:55

You’ve answered your own question really by saying how involved and close you are to your daughter(s) and their children , do their inlaws get the same time / access as you do ?

Original poster
Fcukfour · 10/10/2018 23:59

KurriKurri, the only reason I put my son on the thread was because I wanted advice about being the grandparent from that point of view. I have not and will not ever dismiss my daughter in laws role. She’s been amazing and am very proud of her, and I have told her this. She’s doing a wonderful job of being a mother. I wish someone would explain to me why a mother in law is so bad. If I was her mother would there be quite so many remarks about once a week being more than enough. After all I am still my sons mum, does this not count for anything?

OP posts:
Penguin34 · 11/10/2018 00:01

Why would they come to you if you are going once a week, they prob think it's enough

Original poster
Fcukfour · 11/10/2018 00:01

Floranomad unfortunately not due to where they live. But I would like to think my daughter would not be so dismissive of her mother in law, like a lot of you on here are, if she did want to see her grandchildren more.

OP posts:
Penguin34 · 11/10/2018 00:05

What have they said when you've invited them round for dinner/lunch/cake?