Bridesmaids dress

[berri8]

I am engaged (wedding is in December) and my bridesmaids are my sister and two close friends. When we were discussing bridesmaids dresses, I said that I didn't really care what people wore or even that everyone wore the same if they didn't want to but I just wanted everybody to be happy with their outfits. Friend 1 said that she thought it looked better if everyone wore the same and Friend 2 and my sister didn't seem to have strong views either way so that was fine.

Friend 1 suggested a particular dress very early on and was quite fixated on it. The dress was quite a bit more than I had originally budgeted at £300 per dress so I suggested we shop around a bit first but said we could go for it if they all loved the dress (which I don't think the others do, although they like it well enough). In the end, we ended up going for the dress Friend 1 found, mainly because she wouldn't really entertain any other suggestions - she wasn't rude at all but just kept being negative about any other option. Friend 2 and my sister both offered individually to supplement the cost (which I obviously declined), Friend 1 has never mentioned the cost of the dress and has not thanked me for buying it for her.

I have just seen photos from a wedding Friend 1 went to as a guest last month and noticed that she wore her bridesmaids dress to that wedding. There is quite a lot of overlap with attendees at my wedding (I was invited but couldn't go as I had another wedding). Obviously it's lovely that Friend 1 likes her dress enough to wear it on multiple occasions but I kind of expected the first time she wore it would be at my wedding. I feel like it's a bit cheeky for her to push me into buying her an expensive dress and then wear it before the event, particularly when a lot of the attendees will be the same? I know this isn't really a big deal in the grand scheme of things but it does feel a bit cheeky. I won't mention it to her either way as not worth making a big deal out of but I was just wondering whether others would feel the same way? Or am I being a bridezilla?

Yes they are. You really think calling the police is the right reaction here? (please record the call if you do, the police reaction will be hilarious).

Normally on here anyone mentioning they are even thinking of having a wedding is lectured about how they should just go to registry office, no one wants to go to their wedding, it's pointless, they just want gifts, etc.

OP herself said she is a relaxed bride. And why shouldn't a dress be worn twice? For everyone ringing their hands over how the dress is now dirty and ruined, remember the grooms men will presumably be wearing suits dozens of other men have worn. The miracle of dry cleaning!

Do you really think people will be sitting around at OPs wedding whispering "Omg I've seen that dress before this is so embarrassing for OP"

Yes.

If I knew the CF and had been at the wedding with her and she looked fabulous in her guest dress that was stunning and eye catching and then I saw her walking up the aisle behind the OP, of course I would remember! so will most people!

Thursday she made a fuss to have this dress. It was more than OP wanted to spend. CF can wear it 28 times for all OP cares, but FFS just wait until she's worn it at the wedding for which it was purchased and paid for by OP

As I said upthread, my DD has got this BM's dress for a wedding in March, a very good friend of hers who she's known for ages. It's in the back of the wardrobe waiting for the day. No way would she wear it to the numerous posh functions she goes to over Christmas with her job. She knows it is a dress bought for her for a special occasion. Once the wedding is over, she'll wear it to death!

I can't imagine how you think this is alright.

Wearing an expensive frock just once is revoltingly wasteful. No one will notice except you as bridesmaids outfits are only memorable if they are horrible (same as bridal gowns) but ask her for some money for it.

Bit cheeky of her but if you let the wedding foolery take over this kind of thing does tend to happen.

Why is she wearing it only once? After the wedding she can wear it endlessly.

I think it's nice that she loves the dress that much she's already worn it. I would be pleased that a £300 dress that I had paid for was getting used again & again. It would not bother me in the slightest and I don't see why so many people are getting their knickers in a twist over it tbh. You said yourself you didn't really care what the bridesmaids wore so what if it's been worn before your big day surely only your dress is actually important and I presume she's not worn that!

The issue isn't with wearing the dress again but wearing it before the special occasion when OP bought it for her wedding.

People are so rude calling you a doormat. Nobody knows the actual people here except you and I think you’ve done the right thing.

In 10/20/30 years you will barely remember this small incident. If you bin her off, lose a good friend and feel upset at the time of your wedding trust me, you will remember it very well indeed.

Let her buy you brunch and I hope she organises you a nice hen do.

I wouldn't put it past this particular BM to organise brunch and/or the hen do and get the OP to pay for it, based on the posts I've read so far!
I really can't understand how people cannot see that a dress that was bought for a specific purpose (bridesmaid) on a specific date (the OP's wedding day) shouldn't have been worn to a similar event (different wedding as a guest) before the specific date (OP's wedding day).
As others have suggested, wearing it to do the shopping after the OP's wedding or even to do the gardening is perfect acceptable. Wearing it to party after party after party AFTER the OP's wedding day is also perfectly acceptable and reasonable.
Wearing it to a wedding BEFORE the OP's wedding day is going too far, especially if guests who attended that wedding will also be attending the OP's wedding. It's very poor etiquette and I would be under no doubt that this BM is aware of that. I'd say she thinks she has gotten off extremely lightly based on the OP's account of events.

Lets not forget that OP actually KNOWS this woman. She knows her history, her character, past behaviour etc. Surely it's fine for posters to say, "well I personally would do....x,y,z " but its a bit off to start berating the OP and calling her a door mat etc just because she reacts differently to what you would have done in a similar situation?

OP asked if her friend is a cheeky fucker, NOT if she was being a door mat.

I think the problem is with every cheeky fucker there needs to be a nice person who lets them get away with it. I don’t agree with calling the op a doormat but I think this is what people are trying to say.

And the op (understandably) doesn’t/can’t face the fact that her best friend is not only a cheeky fucker but is treating her so badly.

By the way - she’s offering you the bench seat?! It’s the shit seat. With no back. It’s the additional seating added on when people have no more proper chairs. She’s not being nice at all.

Totally agree Whatcha. I imagine if this happened to those who think it's OK for the bridesmaids dress to be worn here there and everywhere before the wedding for which it was intended... they would not be happy at all.

The dress could be very distinctive and recognisable.

Now... if the BM had paid for it herself... fine. But the bride-to-be paid for it for a specific purpose! It's a gift but a gift for after the wedding, not to go poncing around in before.

Sorry, OP. You are a complete doormat and a pushover.

Either handle your business like an adult (ie: actually say what you want not passive aggressive texts) or quit complaining about prices/ dresses etc. You lose your right to complain when you let people habitually walk all over you (like this woman has done to you).

You are being incredibly ineffectual here.

Total doormat. I am struggling to believe you paid £300 for a bridesmaid dress and she let you.

@berri8 out of interestbeing nosey what bridesmaid dress did you pick in struggling to imagine a bridesmaid dress worth £300 that would be appropriate to wear to a wedding as a guest? Or are we adding another side to her 'lovely' personality being the centre of attention on someone else's day!

You sound lovely & I'm glad your friend has apologised but I still thinks she is an enormously CF!

At the brunch you need to get across that you bought the dresses as bridesmaids dresses, expecting the first time they would be worn would be your wedding so they would be perfect and special.

They were expensive and now you feel as though the ‘specialness’ has gone because a lot of the same guests have already seen the dress.

It shows a massive lack of respect for the friendship to wear a special bridesmaids dress to a random wedding before yours where she is only a guest.

You don’t have to lose the friendship over it but you need to tell her you were hurt so you can find a solution. Maybe changing the dresses or dying the dresses?

You're a mug. Sorry OP.
Please learn to have some backbone and to stand up to people walking all over you.

She messaged back and said she wasn’t planning to wear it again before the wedding and did I mind that she’d worn it?
I replied saying that it wasn’t a huge deal but I would have preferred if the first time she had worn it had been the wedding.
Yes actually I'm quite annoyed. You know that I would be annoyed which is why I suspect you didn't ask me first. No one in their right mind would wear a BRIDESMAIDS dress to another wedding before the wedding it was purchased for.

She then said that was really sorry to have upset me, she hadn’t thought that it was a big deal given I’d been so relaxed about the dress and told then to choose what they wanted. But that she’s so so sorry and is there anything she can do to make it up to me and am I still happy for everyone to wear the dress?
I said not to worry (which I genuinely feel. I’m not going to make everyone change dresses because of this - only me and the few women that overlap will notice it’s the same)
You can pay to get to professionally cleaned, I would like to see the dress to inspect there has been no damage and since you have violated my trust I would like to hold onto the dress until the wedding. I would also like you to contribute at least half the cost of your dress as it I don't feel it's appropriate I've paid an extortionate amount for a dress you clearly wanted to wear to another wedding first. If you don't think this is reasonable perhaps you should consider stepping down from bridesmaid duties.

That's how that should have gone.

Good luck OP. You are not the one in the wrong here, tell yourself that if you pull her up on it

@Thatstheendofmytether

"The reason she was so fixated on that particular dress is because she had already picked it out to wear to the other wedding and she didn't want to fork out 300 quid for it herself so was determined to get you to buy it for your wedding. Well that's how it sounds to me anyway. Cf!"

^This is exactly what I was thinking, her being fixated from the get go on this expensive dress, she definitely planned to wear it to this other wedding all along.

Now she's playing innocent and is ever so "sorry". Yeah right. 🙄 Easier to beg for forgiveness then ask for permission must be her mantra.

Now she's playing innocent and is ever so "sorry". Yeah right. 🙄 Easier to beg for forgiveness then ask for permission must be her mantra.

^ this. I still don't believe ANYONE would EVER think it ok to wear a bridesmaids dress out before the wedding. She just thought she'd get away with it either by not being caught or you accepting her fake apology.

I'd be asking at what point did I give any indication that I wouldn't mind her wearing a very expensive dress that I paid for, for my wedding to another event.

You just don't do that. She didn't need to ask because she knows it's a no go. But she had other ideas.

How did the brunch go OP?

I think it's CFery and I'm relaxed about weddings. She said she wanted everyone to wear the same. Then wore it. It could have been ripped or stained and even dry cleaning can change the colour a bit. One slightly off colour dress would look a bit shit against two that were meant to be matching

In any case I think there were 3 bridesmaids and she has been over opinionated at best - if the bride is paying for your dress you generally just go along with what she likes best and if she doesn't mind, you consult with the other bridesmaids and get something that suits everyone - not just use it as an excuse to buy something really expensive for yourself with someone else's money

WOW. I'm all for letting things slide instead of causing a fuss but FUCKING HELL OP!!! She's a cheeky bastard and you have let her take the shine off your big day just so you don't have to say anything to her. It was absolutely not ok for her to do that, everyone, and I mean absolutely everyone I know, would know that that is a massive cheeky fucker move and certainly not ok.

Popping back in to see.if there has been an update