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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bridesmaids dress

200 replies

berri8 · 10/10/2018 13:52

I am engaged (wedding is in December) and my bridesmaids are my sister and two close friends. When we were discussing bridesmaids dresses, I said that I didn't really care what people wore or even that everyone wore the same if they didn't want to but I just wanted everybody to be happy with their outfits. Friend 1 said that she thought it looked better if everyone wore the same and Friend 2 and my sister didn't seem to have strong views either way so that was fine.

Friend 1 suggested a particular dress very early on and was quite fixated on it. The dress was quite a bit more than I had originally budgeted at £300 per dress so I suggested we shop around a bit first but said we could go for it if they all loved the dress (which I don't think the others do, although they like it well enough). In the end, we ended up going for the dress Friend 1 found, mainly because she wouldn't really entertain any other suggestions - she wasn't rude at all but just kept being negative about any other option. Friend 2 and my sister both offered individually to supplement the cost (which I obviously declined), Friend 1 has never mentioned the cost of the dress and has not thanked me for buying it for her.

I have just seen photos from a wedding Friend 1 went to as a guest last month and noticed that she wore her bridesmaids dress to that wedding. There is quite a lot of overlap with attendees at my wedding (I was invited but couldn't go as I had another wedding). Obviously it's lovely that Friend 1 likes her dress enough to wear it on multiple occasions but I kind of expected the first time she wore it would be at my wedding. I feel like it's a bit cheeky for her to push me into buying her an expensive dress and then wear it before the event, particularly when a lot of the attendees will be the same? I know this isn't really a big deal in the grand scheme of things but it does feel a bit cheeky. I won't mention it to her either way as not worth making a big deal out of but I was just wondering whether others would feel the same way? Or am I being a bridezilla?

OP posts:
HundredMilesAnHour · 10/10/2018 16:55

OP you are being a huge doormat. Creating an account on MN is hardly standing up for yourself. Please get a grip and speak to your CF bridesmaid about this. It's very obvious that you just want an easy life and want all this to just go away but her behaviour has been appalling and you need to deal with her. To wear a bridesmaid dress that you've bought for her anywhere BEFORE your wedding is unacceptable. You should have put a stop to her behaviour when she started playing up when you were looking at dresses to buy.

I don't believe for a minute that this is out of character for her. I think she usually pulls the wool over your eyes but this time she has gone so far off the reservation that even you see her behaviour is terrible. She's no friend to you. She sounds calculating and self-serving. I'd give her the choice of reimbursing you for the dress (and any additional costs incurred if you can't return the other bridesmaids dresses) or being dropped from the wedding altogether.

But sadly I think you are going to be a wimp and do nothing other than post your unhappiness on MN whilst letting a so-called friend treat you badly. If ever there was a time to show you know your worth, this is it!

SimplyPut · 10/10/2018 16:59

This is the second time this week I have been left gobsmacked by threads on MN!

8DaysAWeek · 10/10/2018 17:12

I now say YABU for being so reasonable.

SputnikBear · 10/10/2018 17:23

OMG I’d be furious. Sack her and get new dresses for the other two! You’re a doormat if you still let her be bridesmaid after this.

MulticolourMophead · 10/10/2018 17:32

I don't believe for a minute that this is out of character for her. I think she usually pulls the wool over your eyes but this time she has gone so far off the reservation that even you see her behaviour is terrible. She's no friend to you. She sounds calculating and self-serving. I'd give her the choice of reimbursing you for the dress (and any additional costs incurred if you can't return the other bridesmaids dresses) or being dropped from the wedding altogether.

Actually, OP, I'd have to agree with this. You say she's normally fine, but I bet if you were to start looking at her behaviour objectively, you'd see things that you haven't previously been paying attention to.

I mean, she pushed hard for this dress, pushed you over budget, and has now worn the dress before the wedding. A genuinely nice person doesn't act like that.

That's not nice behaviour. How many other things have you sucked up to keep the peace?

dontyouforgetaboutme · 10/10/2018 17:42

Wow. This person would no longer be my friend let alone my bridesmaid. She obviously has no interest in how anyone else feels.

Racecardriver · 10/10/2018 17:44

I think you should mess with her. Send a really apologetic email to all of them saying that an unexpected finacial problem has cropped up and you need to return the bridesmaids dresses and that they can wear a dress they already have instead.

Seafour · 10/10/2018 17:48

Definitely get new dresses for the other two, invoice her for the £300 then get her to wear one like this

Bridesmaids dress
TruffleShuffles · 10/10/2018 17:48

I genuinely don’t understand how you can be close enough to someone to choose them to be a part of one of the most important days of your life but cannot have a frank conversation about how much of a CF she has been. You have been convinced to pay over £300 for this dress OP and she has risked potentially ruining it before she evens wears it at the occasion it’s been bought for and also shown it off to numerous people who should be seeing for the first at your wedding. You are not being precious about your wedding by dictating where this dress gets worn for the first time when you have spent a small fortune on it!

ThistleAmore · 10/10/2018 17:54

Apart from the raging CFery, I'm gobsmacked that somebody would pay close to £1k for OTHER PEOPLE'S CLOTHES.

My mind is blown.

MrsRachel85 · 10/10/2018 17:56

Omg I cannot believe what I am reading. She is a massive CF. I agree with previous posters she should reimburse you for the dress and you buy new dresses that no one else has seen.

fadingfast · 10/10/2018 18:21

I think it is rude and inconsiderate of your friend to do this but I think you are absolutely doing the right thing to rise above it and not let it spoil your day. After all you know her and none of us do. I don't think it's fair it helpful to describe you as a doormat or to goad you into playing games with your bridesmaid. Yes it's annoying, and I think I'd be tempted to say something along the lines you are suggesting but at the end of the day, it's just a dress.

Have a wonderful wedding day Flowers

NotANotMan · 10/10/2018 18:27

Wow. I can't believe she asked you to spend £300 on her in the first place! And to wear it before your wedding is extremely rude. I would talk to her about it. If you don't care about losing the friendship you could return the other two, buy 2 cheaper dresses and write off the £300 and the bridesmaid but that's probably a bit nuclear. You do need to tell her how you feel though. If she has any manners and conscience she should offer to pay you for the dress and help you choose a replacement bridesmaid dress!

WhateverHappenedToTheHeatwave · 10/10/2018 19:39

So she basically chose a dress she wanted to wear to another wedding for you to buy, encouraged the others to suck it up and then wore it at the other wedding. She's a CF.

I would check the others do want that dress and tell them the situation. My suspicion is since she wanted it she pushed them into it. I would text CF friend 'can you make sure you dry clean my bridesmaid dress before the wedding'. No more no less.

Original poster
berri8 · 10/10/2018 23:16

So I messaged her as per my message above.
She messaged back and said she wasn’t planning to wear it again before the wedding and did I mind that she’d worn it?
I replied saying that it wasn’t a huge deal but I would have preferred if the first time she had worn it had been the wedding.
She then said that was really sorry to have upset me, she hadn’t thought that it was a big deal given I’d been so relaxed about the dress and told then to choose what they wanted. But that she’s so so sorry and is there anything she can do to make it up to me and am I still happy for everyone to wear the dress?
I said not to worry (which I genuinely feel. I’m not going to make everyone change dresses because of this - only me and the few women that overlap will notice it’s the same)

I’m seeing her on Sunday for brunch so I expect we will discuss properly in person then. She actually tried to call after my first message saying I had been upset but I was out and couldn’t speak. So alls well that ends well I hope - thanks all (well, most!) for your advice.

OP posts:
MarcieBluebell · 10/10/2018 23:21

Wow you're forgiving.

GreenMeerkat · 10/10/2018 23:27

Wow! You certainly are forgiving. Biggest CF story this week!

She cajoled you into spending almost 1k on dresses neither you, nor your other bridesmaids really wanted and then wore it to a wedding before yours!

Absolutely unbelievable!!

GreenMeerkat · 10/10/2018 23:28

I'd be asking for the £300 tbh OP! The reason you paid was for her to wear as a bridesmaid dress for YOUR wedding! Not so she could get a free dress!

7yo7yo · 10/10/2018 23:30

I don’t think your forgiving, I think your a doormat and a pushover.
In what world would this be ok?

Zintox · 10/10/2018 23:31

I also think you’re a doormat. If you were upset enough to post here then there’s no way you’re suddenly ok with it. Just too chicken to have it out with her.

SpoonBlender · 10/10/2018 23:38

This is a peculiar thread. The bride is being forgiving and everyone else is being a vicarious bridezilla! Settle down, people. It's all getting a bit Daily Mail.

Therealjudgejudy · 10/10/2018 23:41

You are a total doormat

MyKingdomForBrie · 10/10/2018 23:46

You're being a doormat. £300 is so much money especially x three, and she basically forced you to get that one which she knew was over budget. Then she wore it as though you'd just bought her a dress for the fun of it?!

Look at the responses on here. Not one person (I've skimmed some of it) has agreed with her actions. I feel almost like she's stolen from you. That's no longer a bridesmaid dress, it's just her wearing a pre worn dress.

MsPavlichenko · 10/10/2018 23:50

She has played you like a fiddle. I am not into/ didn't do bridesmaids etc. But I do know you don't wear your dress to another wedding beforehand. Even if you paid for it.

You have paid for her dress. Which she manipulated you into buying. And for the others to wear. She then wore it herself ( saving herself the cost of an outfit) And she is now pretending to be worried she has upset you. LOL.

She is no friend. She is a greedy, using chancer.

No clue about your make up plans for the day but you may as well have MUG tatooed across your forehead.

SnipSnipMisterBurgess · 10/10/2018 23:53

‘I’m so so sorry. I didn’t think you’d mind; you’re so relaxed!’
‘Of course I mind! I paid for the dress, for you to wear for my wedding! And I bought two other dresses to go with it! I didn’t buy it for you to wear to someone else’s wedding first! I’m not that relaxed!’

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