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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Bridesmaids dress

200 replies

berri8 · 10/10/2018 13:52

I am engaged (wedding is in December) and my bridesmaids are my sister and two close friends. When we were discussing bridesmaids dresses, I said that I didn't really care what people wore or even that everyone wore the same if they didn't want to but I just wanted everybody to be happy with their outfits. Friend 1 said that she thought it looked better if everyone wore the same and Friend 2 and my sister didn't seem to have strong views either way so that was fine.

Friend 1 suggested a particular dress very early on and was quite fixated on it. The dress was quite a bit more than I had originally budgeted at £300 per dress so I suggested we shop around a bit first but said we could go for it if they all loved the dress (which I don't think the others do, although they like it well enough). In the end, we ended up going for the dress Friend 1 found, mainly because she wouldn't really entertain any other suggestions - she wasn't rude at all but just kept being negative about any other option. Friend 2 and my sister both offered individually to supplement the cost (which I obviously declined), Friend 1 has never mentioned the cost of the dress and has not thanked me for buying it for her.

I have just seen photos from a wedding Friend 1 went to as a guest last month and noticed that she wore her bridesmaids dress to that wedding. There is quite a lot of overlap with attendees at my wedding (I was invited but couldn't go as I had another wedding). Obviously it's lovely that Friend 1 likes her dress enough to wear it on multiple occasions but I kind of expected the first time she wore it would be at my wedding. I feel like it's a bit cheeky for her to push me into buying her an expensive dress and then wear it before the event, particularly when a lot of the attendees will be the same? I know this isn't really a big deal in the grand scheme of things but it does feel a bit cheeky. I won't mention it to her either way as not worth making a big deal out of but I was just wondering whether others would feel the same way? Or am I being a bridezilla?

OP posts:

PinkAvocado · 10/10/2018 15:21

If you don’t want to say anything that could lead to an argument, I’d at least say you don’t want her wearing it again until your wedding!

BrokenWing · 10/10/2018 15:27

You are not being Bridezilla at all. Can you imagine her at other dos in your dress telling people shes wearing it to your wedding as a bridesmaid dress? She at the very least needs to know she has upset you and not to wear it again.

Nopuns · 10/10/2018 15:28

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Spam88 · 10/10/2018 15:34

In that case OP, I would at least say that you saw she wore the dress to the wedding, could she please not wear it again before your wedding in case it gets damaged, and can she check if it's dirty (especially the hem) and get it dry cleaned if needed so it looks new on the day.

Also, the benches are definitely the shit seats.

TakeMe2Insanity · 10/10/2018 15:35

I can’t believe how laid back you sound about this in the update. If ever there was a moment to go bridezilla this is it. Definitely get a refund from her, change the dresses. Expecting her to have it clean and pristine for the day are not enough. You expected her to save the dress you paid for your wedding. I’d seriously reconsider having her as your bridesmaid.

chocatoo · 10/10/2018 15:37

I agree incredibly cheeky. Is it worth looking to see whether the dresses could be professionally dyed or have some kind of alteration that would make them look different? I don’t know what is the art of the possible but a designer might be able to give you ideas. It should certainly be your BM that pays!
I think you should have a word with her and explain what she has done, then ask her for her suggestions as to what can be done to retrieve the situation. I think the very least she can do is pay you 75% of the cost of the dress as the dress you paid for is noe second hand.

Armchairanarchist · 10/10/2018 15:40

I'd tell her you've fallen in love with the perfect dresses and have to return the ones you've bought.

DontCallMeCharlotte · 10/10/2018 15:51

As fun as it would be to put the shits up her by pretending to change the dresses, if she is normally a good'un, I would probably go with Spam88's very practical suggestion:

Ragaroo · 10/10/2018 15:52

Wtf!! I would be livid. I guess this is why some brides hold onto the dress until nearer the day. I would ask for the dress back, to keep at your home, as you are adding a little special "embellishment" as a bridesmaid surprise. Then sell hers on Facebook, making sure she sees it, and say "selling due to bridesmaid stepping down". Cheeky bitch.

onalongsabbatical · 10/10/2018 16:00

Bloody hell that is Cfism of Machiavellian proportions! She's screwed you, Op, not to put too fine a point on it.

What you should do about it I'm not sure. But really, she is astonishing.

Original poster

berri8 · 10/10/2018 16:00

Yes, Spam88, I think that is maybe a good way to deal with it. It seems very unlikely that she would but I'd be so annoyed at myself if she did and I hadn't said anything. I think I can say that quite lightly by text -- just say she looked beautiful in the photos but I'm worried about the dress being damaged before the wedding so please could she not wear it again before then. That also kind of gets the message across that I'm not happy about her doing it without being too confrontational.

I don't think I am being too laid back or am a pushover - I was upset enough to make an account on Mumsnet to post about it after all! I suppose it's just easier to give someone the benefit of the doubt when you know their character rather then them just being a 'cheeky fucker' on the internet. I also am a bit surprised that people are suggesting such drastic action on here -- I don't want to play games with her (e.g. pretending the dresses have got to go back) as that will just stress her out and I would never cut a close friend out just because they behaved badly on one occasion. So I think it's really a question of whether I talk to her about it or stay silent. I think asking her not to do it again is a good compromise - thank you.

OP posts:

NWQM · 10/10/2018 16:01

Photos are such a big part of your wedding memories. Please have a careful think about whether you can honestly shrug this off. She has been outrageous. They were your dresses. Will you remember this each time you look at photos?

LJFM2B · 10/10/2018 16:02

WOW... i was a laid back bride and see a variety of brides and bridesmaids being a wedding hairdresser and believe me i see more bitchy/hard work bridesmiads than i do bridezillas but WOW that is unbelievable

You are 100% not being unreasonable ... and i understand you dont want to make a big deal of it before your wedding but i think you have every right to tell her not to wear it again ... GOD some brides dont even let there bridesmaids tell anybody what the dresses are like let alone wear them before CHEEK you have basically funded her wedding guest attire which she so happens to be wearing to yours.

And the fact she expects you to buy a dress that costs £300 with out a single hint of contribution is so selfish and pre madonna ... i like you would fund the wedding guests outfits as i see it as you have asked them to do it BUT seriously this woman is a P taker .. its actually got me angry haha

You make sure you make the decisions from now on, fair enough to have opinions of your wedding party but your the bride and im sure only plan on doing this once...

I would dread doing her wedding :l

DoYouLikeHueyLewisandTheNews · 10/10/2018 16:04

In nnn

HeebieJeebies456 · 10/10/2018 16:29

you're a doormat and a push over, OP.
She knows it and knows exactly how to play you - even if it involves
emotionally manipulating you.

I suppose I don't like the idea of insisting that my wedding is so precious that the dresses must be brand new (even though that's a bit how I feel!)?
So even after experiencing and being presented with the evidence of her entitled CF behaviour you still put her before yourself and YOUR wedding.

she has quite high standards
which she expects you to uphold.....so why can't you have more belief in your own self-worth and expect the same from her?

moredoll · 10/10/2018 16:30

She is being intolerably rude. There's no way she doesn't know that your wedding is the first time you'll have expected people to have seen her wearing that dress in the context of wedding.
I think you need to have a serious, and probably difficult, one-to-one talk with her.

It's difficult because she obviously has problems with her 'image', but I think you should consider asking her to refund you (you obviously can't return a used dress) and, assuming you can return the other two dresses, choose a different bridesmaid dress. Whether or not not you have her as a bridesmaid depends on how you feel after you've talked to her.

Also, the benches are definitely the shit seats.
^this

Linziepie · 10/10/2018 16:33

This is unbelievable. Anyone knows that this is not acceptable so I really dont think she is as innocent as you think. I hope this does get in the daily mail or someone else tells her how cheeky she is and she at least has the decency to give you the money for it.

Returnofthesmileybar · 10/10/2018 16:37

I was coming on to say the benches are the shit seats too. I think this girl has pulled a right number on you op, she has you believing she's a nice person when she clearly isn't.

I would bring back the other two dresses, change dresses altogether and either she buys the new dress herself or isn't a bridesmaid and owes you £300. Cheeky fucker

spanishwife · 10/10/2018 16:42

Ugh I was refreshing all afternoon and what a boring outcome!!

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 10/10/2018 16:45

I would at least get the dress back from her while you're considering your options. It would stop her from wearing it again. TBH, it would bother me if she wore it to my wedding after wearing it somewhere else, even if I forgave her it would still periodically pop into my head the whole day that she had worn it to someone else's wedding. I would prefer to just have the other two as bridesmaids (in their dresses) and let cheeky friend be a regular guest in a different dress bought at her own expense.

altiara · 10/10/2018 16:46

I’d be livid. She’s not really given you a choice on the dresses purely so she got to wear it to this wedding. Honestly can’t see how she’s a nice person.
Hope you’re eBaying the dresses afterwards!

DontCallMeCharlotte · 10/10/2018 16:46

just say she looked beautiful in the photos but I'm worried about the dress being damaged before the wedding so please could she not wear it again before then. That also kind of gets the message across that I'm not happy about her doing it without being too confrontational.

On the basis that you know her better than we do and you're wanting to maintain what has been a good friendship, I think this strikes the perfect tone OP.

I do think she's been a CF though (if not maliciously) and I'd be interested in her reaction.

Good luck!

Frazzled2207 · 10/10/2018 16:53

Urgh. I think it's bloody unacceptable behaviour tbh. I can see why you don't want the faff of going back to the drawing board with the dresses so I think you need to sack her or get her to pay for it. "I didn't pay £300 for a bridesmaid dress for you to go and wear it at another wedding before mine, you know".

Saltedcaramelcake · 10/10/2018 16:54

I was anticipating another bridezilla thread, this most certainly isn’t though. What a cheeky shit she is, firstly she pushes you into buying a dress that is way more than you wanted to pay, secondly there is no offer to contribute and then icing on the cake she wears it to another wedding with all the same people there, before she’s even worn it to your wedding. Wow, that’s some cheek. What would she have done if she’d spilt red wine on it?

I’m not sure what you can do now though other than tell her not to wear it to any other events between now and the wedding??

Eliza9917 · 10/10/2018 16:55

That's seriously out of order. Make her pay for the dress. Can you return them? I'd be thinking about sacking her tbh.

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