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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Bridesmaids dress

200 replies

berri8 · 10/10/2018 13:52

I am engaged (wedding is in December) and my bridesmaids are my sister and two close friends. When we were discussing bridesmaids dresses, I said that I didn't really care what people wore or even that everyone wore the same if they didn't want to but I just wanted everybody to be happy with their outfits. Friend 1 said that she thought it looked better if everyone wore the same and Friend 2 and my sister didn't seem to have strong views either way so that was fine.

Friend 1 suggested a particular dress very early on and was quite fixated on it. The dress was quite a bit more than I had originally budgeted at £300 per dress so I suggested we shop around a bit first but said we could go for it if they all loved the dress (which I don't think the others do, although they like it well enough). In the end, we ended up going for the dress Friend 1 found, mainly because she wouldn't really entertain any other suggestions - she wasn't rude at all but just kept being negative about any other option. Friend 2 and my sister both offered individually to supplement the cost (which I obviously declined), Friend 1 has never mentioned the cost of the dress and has not thanked me for buying it for her.

I have just seen photos from a wedding Friend 1 went to as a guest last month and noticed that she wore her bridesmaids dress to that wedding. There is quite a lot of overlap with attendees at my wedding (I was invited but couldn't go as I had another wedding). Obviously it's lovely that Friend 1 likes her dress enough to wear it on multiple occasions but I kind of expected the first time she wore it would be at my wedding. I feel like it's a bit cheeky for her to push me into buying her an expensive dress and then wear it before the event, particularly when a lot of the attendees will be the same? I know this isn't really a big deal in the grand scheme of things but it does feel a bit cheeky. I won't mention it to her either way as not worth making a big deal out of but I was just wondering whether others would feel the same way? Or am I being a bridezilla?

OP posts:

sizeofalentil · 10/10/2018 23:55

I agree with you @berri8: she was a selfish cow to insist on such a pricey dress, then unbelievably cheeky to wear it to another wedding. But... what can you do now? Taking back the dresses or defriending her won’t make your life any easier or less stressful or make you any happier.

If getting it off your chest here and messaging her about it, so she knows she’s a cf, made you feel better then you’re all good. Like you said, you’ll be seeing her at some point and can talk to her then. Maybe she’ll offer to make it up to you or buy you an ultra pricey wedding present out of guilt!

Not everything in life has to be a huge passive aggressive battle.

NarcolepticOuchMouse · 11/10/2018 00:51

If you really want to keep her as a bridesmaid I'd make her go to the effort of changing all the dresses. It's her fault in the first place. Just say you really wanted them to be new/unssen for your wedding (not unreasonable) and so now she's worn it she'll have to change them.

ittakes2 · 11/10/2018 01:01

Wow - I'm sorry but she's not a very nice friend! Unbelievable! I would meet her and tell her how hurt you are. See what she says, she if things are savagable.

nocoolnamesleft · 11/10/2018 01:03

I wonder if she managed to get two brides to both pay for it...could turn a profit there!

Nanny0gg · 11/10/2018 01:12

At the very least I would expect her to pay a substantial amount towards the £300

AntiHop · 11/10/2018 01:12

I don't see the problem. It's actually good sense that she got use out of it. Dresses that get worn once and then end up in landfill is actually quite depressing.

ElainaElephant · 11/10/2018 04:49

@Antihop you don't see the problem that she wore it BEFORE ops wedding, to place where many of the guests are the same and so have now seen the dress that op paid for prior to ops wedding?

OK then..

After the wedding, yes its fair game. Before is massive CF territory.

KC225 · 11/10/2018 05:40

I would ask for the dress back on the pretence of matching it with something, then I would sack her off as a bridesmaid. She has blatantly extracted the urine OP. I cannot believe you are letting her get away with it.

PineappleTart · 11/10/2018 06:31

Wow. Would you have handed over £300 to her for an outfit for another wedding? Because that's what you've done.

I like to think I'm pretty laid back but her behaviour has been shocking and I really don't think she is the friend you think she is.

OliviaBenson · 11/10/2018 06:48

Wow op, you were being far too nice to her. It should be ok to say to friends that you are upset.

I think she knew exactly what she was doing to be honest.

Zcarter · 11/10/2018 07:08

Wow I am actually embarrassed for you how can you let some one treat you like this I am getting married next year and quite relaxed but I would go nuts if someone done that to me

PurpleFlower1983 · 11/10/2018 07:10

That’s disgusting! I’d be telling her you have changed your mind about the dress and need it back to return! I wonder what her reaction would be? Or I would send her the bill for her lovely wedding outfit!

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 11/10/2018 07:12

I also don't see the problem. So what if she wore it before the wedding? Isn't it better to get use out of it? I doubt anyone will remember the dress and even if they do I don't think it matters.

dulcefarniente · 11/10/2018 07:46

OP is she a very popular person and do you feel proud that she's your friend? It comes across as if you will let her constantly treat you as hundredmiles says rather than call her on anything and risk her not being your friend anymore.

I was very laid back about what my bridesmaids chose to wear (and paid for the dresses) but they all wanted my day to be special and would never have dreamed of wearing the dresses before the wedding. They all wore them afterwards as they'd chosen a style that could be worn to other events which was great.

No one with any respect for you or your wedding would do this.

LittleMissBrainy · 11/10/2018 07:47

If this is real, (and to be honest, I'm struggling to see how anyone can be this laid back about this situation, so it makes me doubt it is), then when you meet up at the weekend, I'd tell her, (light heartedly) that you were rather bemused by her actions, and you even asked MN what to do. Then I would actually show her this thread! Hopefully that will make her see how out of order she is.

Number12 · 11/10/2018 08:03

Hmmmm so you get to pay full price for a dress that's already been worn. When you were in the shop handing over your hard earned £300 would you have been ok with that? Erm no... I do get where your coming from, its only a dress, not bridezilla etc but you already know she is totally out of order and you have to have it out with her.

Mrsemcgregor · 11/10/2018 08:04

I really want to see the dress! Link please OP

runsmidgeOMG · 11/10/2018 08:11

Don't normally jump on the bandwagon.... BUT what she said "did I mind if we all still wore it" stinks of what PP have said about wanting you to fork out for a dress to THIS wedding? Knowing you could potentially be unhappy and want different dresses for yours once she'd worn it...

Villainelle · 11/10/2018 08:14

I am the total opposite of bridezilla - have been engaged for years and can't be arsed planning my own wedding - but I'd sack her and bill her for the dress.

Roussette · 11/10/2018 08:23

Gosh. You are very forgiving... far too much so.

So... lots of guests who will be at your wedding have seen her in the bridesmaids dress she will be wearing? I would be v upset at this.

It sounds to me as if she fell in love with the dress, she knew she had other parties/weddings to go to, she pushed you to buy it because she felt fabulous in it and she didn't give you one thought as to whether you would mind.

I really know nothing about your friendship but has she got form for this sort of thing? You say how lovely she is... but really OP, this is a very mean thing to do.

Mandarine · 11/10/2018 08:31

OP - I think you’re friend is the height of rudeness and I find this unbelievable - especially as you paid for the dress!!

Is it a very distinctive dress that people at the first wedding will remember? What is the dress like?

Even if she does think you’re so laid back and didn’t mind if the bridesmaids wore different outfits - this is not the point! You bought her that dress to wear at your wedding, not swan around in beforehand st asinilst event. Shocking!

By the way, I think your friend may read about herself in the DM by the weekend as this is exactly the sort of thing they will pick up on.

Blondebakingmumma · 11/10/2018 08:34

I think you have been extremely kind to her. It’s not going to reflect badly on you when guests at your wedding recognize the dress. They will be judging her just like we all have. Wonder if anyone will say something to her on the day

Nanny0gg · 11/10/2018 08:41

I also don't see the problem. So what if she wore it before the wedding? Isn't it better to get use out of it? I doubt anyone will remember the dress and even if they do I don't think it matters

If I'd forked out £300 for a dress (specially chosen by the BM -funny that) I'd damn well want first 'use' out of it. Especially as she didn't even mention how perfect it was for this other 'do'.

What if she'd spilt something down it?

Nope. She's embarrassed about being caught out. Very least she can do is repay all most of the cost.

desertmum · 11/10/2018 08:43

She really isn't your friend. This is almost too unbelievable to be true. She is a CF.

TimIsHavingABadDay · 11/10/2018 08:45

I think its great that the OP has been so forgiving and the bridesmaid has said she won't wear the dress again. Maybe the bride can lend her the wedding dress for any other events between now and then? Possibly lend her a wedding ring and let her use the car hire as a taxi before the big day.

OP seriously. Everybody at your wedding is going to be talking about this, you said yourself that there is an overlap. It only takes two people talking to be overheard and suddenly you are the woman that made your friends use second hand dresses as you CBA paying out. The woman is a horrid CF that new full well what she was doing, she got YOU to pay £300 for her dream dress to attend another wedding your wedding doesn't even matter to her, or she would have saved it for that! I find your weakness and lack of spine embarrassing tbh, this is your wedding, you are a grown up and you are acting like a meek little mouse that has lots of £300s spare to pay for other peoples shenanigans.

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