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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Bridesmaids dress

200 replies

berri8 · 10/10/2018 13:52

I am engaged (wedding is in December) and my bridesmaids are my sister and two close friends. When we were discussing bridesmaids dresses, I said that I didn't really care what people wore or even that everyone wore the same if they didn't want to but I just wanted everybody to be happy with their outfits. Friend 1 said that she thought it looked better if everyone wore the same and Friend 2 and my sister didn't seem to have strong views either way so that was fine.

Friend 1 suggested a particular dress very early on and was quite fixated on it. The dress was quite a bit more than I had originally budgeted at £300 per dress so I suggested we shop around a bit first but said we could go for it if they all loved the dress (which I don't think the others do, although they like it well enough). In the end, we ended up going for the dress Friend 1 found, mainly because she wouldn't really entertain any other suggestions - she wasn't rude at all but just kept being negative about any other option. Friend 2 and my sister both offered individually to supplement the cost (which I obviously declined), Friend 1 has never mentioned the cost of the dress and has not thanked me for buying it for her.

I have just seen photos from a wedding Friend 1 went to as a guest last month and noticed that she wore her bridesmaids dress to that wedding. There is quite a lot of overlap with attendees at my wedding (I was invited but couldn't go as I had another wedding). Obviously it's lovely that Friend 1 likes her dress enough to wear it on multiple occasions but I kind of expected the first time she wore it would be at my wedding. I feel like it's a bit cheeky for her to push me into buying her an expensive dress and then wear it before the event, particularly when a lot of the attendees will be the same? I know this isn't really a big deal in the grand scheme of things but it does feel a bit cheeky. I won't mention it to her either way as not worth making a big deal out of but I was just wondering whether others would feel the same way? Or am I being a bridezilla?

OP posts:

Merrz · 10/10/2018 14:49

OMG that is terrible, i don't know why anyone would think that's acceptable. Different if it had been after your wedding but the bridesmaid dress you bought for her to wear at your wedding should of most certainly been worn for the 1st time at your wedding, no matter what the price but the fact it was so expensive and it was her who insisted on that one makes it worse. I don't think i'd be able to not say something.

NWQM · 10/10/2018 14:49

If you can send the other dresses back I’d definitely be asking for the £300 to get a new dress and then letting the others pick preferably cheaper. There is no way she can justify having worn your dress to another event but another wedding where guests are similar is just an awful thing to have done. Does she know you know?

peachgreen · 10/10/2018 14:50

I'd be fuming!

Sarahjconnor · 10/10/2018 14:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CalonGlas · 10/10/2018 14:52

ElainaElephant has it - make absolutely no reference to the fact that you've seen the photos of her wearing the £300+ dress (!?!??!) and send the email asking all the bridesmaids for the dresses back, 'as we've had to have a budget rethink and the shop is fine to refund them if they've not been worn, which of course they haven't!'

oldmum22 · 10/10/2018 14:53

CF .....ditto bridgetreilly. She is not a friend

oh4forkssake · 10/10/2018 14:53

That is so cheeky!

Not on at all.

tangoed2 · 10/10/2018 14:53

ElainaElephant has it - make absolutely no reference to the fact that you've seen the photos of her wearing the £300+ dress (!?!??!) and send the email asking all the bridesmaids for the dresses back, 'as we've had to have a budget rethink and the shop is fine to refund them if they've not been worn, which of course they haven't!'

100% thi

itswinetime · 10/10/2018 14:55

Your 'friend' is a user! She used you to get the dress she wanted. Also what kind of person shows up to a wedding she isn't a bridesmaid at in a bridesmaid dress!!

I would confront her ask for your money back I also wouldn't want to be friends with someone so thoughtless of my feelings!

I would then return the dresses if you can and get something new and cheaper for the 2 remaining bridesmaids!

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 10/10/2018 14:58

Well, it's your dress as you have paid for it. I would ask all the bridesmaids to give you their dresses so that they are 'kept safe' and you can all get ready together. Once you have them return the unworn ones (if you can) and give your two bridesmaids new dresses and sack the third bridesmaid.

MrsStrowman · 10/10/2018 15:00

Not bridezilla at all, take the other two back, ask for friend 1's, as you've changed your mind and want different dresses. When she says she can't return it as it's been worn tell her she will need to pay for it as you DON'T wear a bridesmaid dress before the wedding, especially when the bride has paid for it! My MOH text me a couple of weeks ago and asked if I'd mind if she wore the dress I got her for our wedding in January, for another friend's wedding in December, the only cross over guests will be her sisters and it's almost a year later! I said of course that's fine, what your bridesmaid has done is not ok, she seems pushy and rude from the outset.

EK36 · 10/10/2018 15:00

What if she had damaged it though? E.g. spilt red wine down it? She has been manipulative and controlling. I would ask her to step down as bridesmaid and write off the cost of her dress. And change the other two bridesmaid dresses. Let us know any upates OP.

diddl · 10/10/2018 15:01

"'as we've had to have a budget rethink and the shop is fine to refund them if they've not been worn, which of course they haven't!'"

Won't she just hand over the dress though, leaving Op having to say that she knows it has been worn?

So shouldn't Op just ask for the money as she's treating it as her own dress rather than a bmaid dress that has been bought for her to wear for a specific occasion?

How come she even had it before your wedding, Op?

sollyfromsurrey · 10/10/2018 15:01

She sounds unhinged. No one but NO ONE would think it was OK to do what she has done. Basically, she is now going to wear a pre-worn dress as your bridesmaid......and you had the pleasure of buying it for her. No no no no no. No idea what you should do about it now. Maybe someone else should be speaking with her about it.

FlamingJuno · 10/10/2018 15:02

She's a cheeky mare. For me, the worst aspect is that the first wedding, at which she was presumably not a member of the bridal party, clearly means more to her than your wedding at which she has an important role to play. Fine to keep the dress and wear it again after she's been a BM in it, but not before. No.
I think you should do as others have suggested and get the dress back from her, but you should tell her why you feel you have to do that.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 10/10/2018 15:02

@berri8 - you have to say something to her and you're not being Bridezilla in the slightest if you do. Please come back and let us know if you do decide to have a word with her and how that goes.

BrokenWing · 10/10/2018 15:07

Is it a full length obvious bridesmaid dress type thing? There were a couple of young women guests wearing dresses like that at dn's wedding last month and tbh they frankly looked ridiculous as wanna be bridesmaids.

This is your bridesmaid, she is supposed to be one of your closest friends, surely you can ask her directly about it and sort her it out?

Original poster

berri8 · 10/10/2018 15:07

Thank you all for the replies and I'm relieved to hear people don't think I'm being a bridezilla!

My friend is generally very lovely and reasonable - she's not at all bratty or pushy. It's why I'm so surprised by her doing this as she's usually incredibly considerate. If anything she's overly considerate / solicitous - one of those 'no, I insist, you sit on the bench seat' when you go to a restaurant people! It just feels like a bit we have totally different expectations on manner/etiquette on this! She is a bit self conscious about her looks/size (although she doesn't need to be at all as she is beautiful and slim). So when we were looking at other dresses she would say something like "no good for my bum [whale emoji]". Which is difficult to argue with! I agree that putting pressure on for a £300 dress wasn't great but equally it was my decision to buy the dress and I am think she would have respected it if I'd actually said no. I ultimately decided it was a price worth paying to ensure that all the bridesmaids felt comfortable and happy on my wedding day.

I don't think I generally am a doormat. I definitely would have said no if she'd asked me beforehand but I'm just reluctant to say something now because I can't see how anything can be fixed - she can't unwear the dress. I'm sure she'd be upset to know that she's upset me and would apologise if I mentioned how I felt. I'm not sure it's really worth it though when I feel absolutely positive this is not malicious on her part. I certainly am not uninviting/demoting her over a dress! Changing the dresses themselves seems a bit bridezilla - I suppose I don't like the idea of insisting that my wedding is so precious that the dresses must be brand new (even though that's a bit how I feel!)? Also, what a faff for everyone, including the other bridesmaids who have done nothing wrong. Both other dresses needed to be taken up so might not even be possible if the other two have got around to doing that. Also am probably outside returns period. So I suppose I end up thinking there's really nothing to be done but feel silently peeved! But it's a relief to know I'm not being unreasonable - thank you all for the replies.

I thought the same about the long dress point TruffleShuffles - she has quite high standards so I'm just expecting it will be dry cleaned at her cost and pristine again on the day.

OP posts:

Feefeetrixabelle · 10/10/2018 15:08

What a total bitch!!!

Why would she even think to do that? Everyone knows what you do with your bridesmaid dress after a wedding is your choice but you never wear it before. I would do as others have suggested. Say your changing the dresses and you need them back as they are unworn and you can get a refund. Say if anyone wants to keep their dress for other events they can pay you the £300

What a bitch!!

Feefeetrixabelle · 10/10/2018 15:09

It’s being bridezilla to expect someone to wear the dress you paid three hundred pounds for at your wedding first. Not bridezilla at all.

Feefeetrixabelle · 10/10/2018 15:09

That’s mean to be not being in the first sentence. Bastard autocorrect

itswinetime · 10/10/2018 15:13

@berri8. You know your friend best but I think you need to say something if she thinks it's ok to wear what's to stop her wearing it to lots of other events! If you don't want to have a go don't but I really think you should text asking her not to wear it again before your wedding and that it is dry cleaned for the day!

I also think you should be a bit wary, because your friends doesn't sound like a lovey selfless person in you first post! She comes across as controlling and with an agenda! And not thinking about you at all!

GinIsIn · 10/10/2018 15:13

When did you buy the dresses? I would say you want them back as you've changed your mind and want to return them....

TakeAChanseyOnMe · 10/10/2018 15:17

@Mugglemom in the US it seems the norm to have 8+ bridesmaids. 2-4 is more usual in the UK. I believe that if you ask someone to be your bridesmaid and want them to have certain things, you pay for all of it. I’ve been MoH once and insisted on paying for my custom made dress (which I kept) but it wasn’t expected.

Your friend is definitely a CF! I do think that on your wedding day it’ll look different with flowers etc. If any guest notices they’ll realise that she’s the CF (like someone wearing a long white dress to a wedding, they get judged rather than the bride!)

Mumsnut · 10/10/2018 15:17

Well this'll be in the Daily Mail anyway, I bet, and she'll be mortified. As good a revenge as any.

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