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Original poster

Bridesmaids dress

200 replies

berri8 · 10/10/2018 13:52

I am engaged (wedding is in December) and my bridesmaids are my sister and two close friends. When we were discussing bridesmaids dresses, I said that I didn't really care what people wore or even that everyone wore the same if they didn't want to but I just wanted everybody to be happy with their outfits. Friend 1 said that she thought it looked better if everyone wore the same and Friend 2 and my sister didn't seem to have strong views either way so that was fine.

Friend 1 suggested a particular dress very early on and was quite fixated on it. The dress was quite a bit more than I had originally budgeted at £300 per dress so I suggested we shop around a bit first but said we could go for it if they all loved the dress (which I don't think the others do, although they like it well enough). In the end, we ended up going for the dress Friend 1 found, mainly because she wouldn't really entertain any other suggestions - she wasn't rude at all but just kept being negative about any other option. Friend 2 and my sister both offered individually to supplement the cost (which I obviously declined), Friend 1 has never mentioned the cost of the dress and has not thanked me for buying it for her.

I have just seen photos from a wedding Friend 1 went to as a guest last month and noticed that she wore her bridesmaids dress to that wedding. There is quite a lot of overlap with attendees at my wedding (I was invited but couldn't go as I had another wedding). Obviously it's lovely that Friend 1 likes her dress enough to wear it on multiple occasions but I kind of expected the first time she wore it would be at my wedding. I feel like it's a bit cheeky for her to push me into buying her an expensive dress and then wear it before the event, particularly when a lot of the attendees will be the same? I know this isn't really a big deal in the grand scheme of things but it does feel a bit cheeky. I won't mention it to her either way as not worth making a big deal out of but I was just wondering whether others would feel the same way? Or am I being a bridezilla?

OP posts:
TruffleShuffles · 10/10/2018 14:27

Also if you are going to continue with her as a bridesmaid is the dress full length? If so it will probably need dry cleaning as they get absolutely filthy round the bottom if she’s been in it all day, who will pay for that bill?

Spam88 · 10/10/2018 14:27

Yes, I'm definitely Team Sack-her-and-send-the-other-dresses-back. And ask her for the money back but don't hold your breath.

pinkcardi · 10/10/2018 14:28

Complete CF-ery.

My bridesmaids wore their dresses again, to other weddings actually, but AFTER my wedding.

I'd be spitting feathers.

But I'm not sure what I would do about it in a practical sense.

What do you want out of the situation: an apology? A new dress for them to wear? Money back from her? Ditch or keep that friend?

MemoryOfSleep · 10/10/2018 14:29

I'd go for the uninvite personally. She was cf to insist on the dress in the first place.

PinkCalluna · 10/10/2018 14:29

I gave to say that the friends who overlap between the two weddings are going to be fairly appalled she wore her bridesmaids dress before your day.

It won’t be you they think badly of...

Srilli · 10/10/2018 14:32

I’m with everyone else, that is super cheeky!! She definitely should have asked you first. I would talk to her about it for sure

ElainaElephant · 10/10/2018 14:33

'Hi, I've decided to return the bridesmaid dresses that I bought as I can't justify the cost, and I'm buying something what instead. Please return your dresses to me so I can get that arranged. Thanks'.

ElainaElephant · 10/10/2018 14:34

Something else, not something what..

PinkAvocado · 10/10/2018 14:34

I’d say,
“Obviously I wanted that dress to be my bridesmaid dresses but as you’ve worn yours and people have already seen it, I’ll send the other two back and choose something new. As I can’t do that with yours as it is worn, please send me the money for the cost of it so I can buy your new one with the cash. Thanks”

GiraffeObsessedBaby · 10/10/2018 14:35

Woah. Just woah. Definitely agree with others. Get rid of her as a bridesmaid and return and change the other dresses.

PinkAvocado · 10/10/2018 14:36

Or
“We have changed the colour scheme! Can I have all the dresses back please so we can return them”

PeonyTruffle · 10/10/2018 14:36

Oh wow, yeah she's a CF!

Fine to wear it after but not before, I'd be fuming

limescaleAHHHHH · 10/10/2018 14:38

CF!!!

This needs something saying about it. I would be very upset!

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 10/10/2018 14:39

She got you to buy her the dress she wanted for the other wedding. Some people are just unbelievable. I'd want to ditch her as a bridesmaid to be honest, but whether or not I'd actually do it...it's tricky. She's behaved badly though.

sexnotgender · 10/10/2018 14:41

Obviously I wanted that dress to be my bridesmaid dresses but as you’ve worn yours and people have already seen it, I’ll send the other two back and choose something new. As I can’t do that with yours as it is worn, please send me the money for the cost of it so I can buy your new one with the cash. Thanks

Definitely this!

WhatchaMaCalllit · 10/10/2018 14:41

Completely agree 1000% with @bridgetreilly.
Definitely invoice her for the dress as it was bought on the proviso (which is usually the case when buying bridesmaid dresses) that the first time it would be worn was to be at your wedding and not someone elses.
Tell her did she not think that people who are invited to both would have photos of X's wedding and your wedding and think "Oh, there's Soandso wearing the very same outfit she wore to X's wedding. Such a shame she couldn't find something new to wear" which would be completely the wrong impression.

She is up to her neck in CF territory here.

Mugglemom · 10/10/2018 14:44

Is it common for the bride to buy the bridesmaids dresses?

I'm from the US and every wedding I've been in, I've been expected to buy the dress.

CwtchesAreTheBest · 10/10/2018 14:45

I'm pretty laid back but I would be livid in your shoes!
I am astounded that she wore the dress behind your back to a wedding!!!!
This would be a friendship breaker for me. I would have to tell her how disappointed I was and how unacceptable her behaviour had been!

spanishwife · 10/10/2018 14:46

awful! She basically manipulated you into buying her the dress she wanted to attend someone else's wedding.
The first time she wore it SHOULD have been your wedding. Because you paid for it, you decide.

Any chance you can return the other two?

If yes, I would be either:

  1. allowing the other two to pick what they want and have them in similar tones but different dresses (very popular wedding trend at the moment, I really like it) and letting her wear hers again
  2. If your balls are big enough, let her keep hers, but make her pay for another one for your wedding, and make sure it's a dress that you ALL like!
spanishwife · 10/10/2018 14:46

This would be a friendship breaker for me

Ditto - it's just not nice, thoughful behaviour you would expect from someone close enough to be a BM

PinkAvocado · 10/10/2018 14:47

@Mugglemom I’d say standard in the UK. If the bride wants people to attend in clothes she’s chosen, she pays.

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 10/10/2018 14:47

I doubt you'll get much joy, but this is a good response:

Obviously I wanted that dress to be my bridesmaid dresses but as you’ve worn yours and people have already seen it, I’ll send the other two back and choose something new. As I can’t do that with yours as it is worn, please send me the money for the cost of it so I can buy your new one with the cash. Thanks

spanishwife · 10/10/2018 14:47

@mugglemom

Yes in the UK it's more typical for the bride to pay for the dresses. Reasoning is because she usually chooses and it's her original request for them to be part of the wedding.

Whatsthisbear · 10/10/2018 14:48

I think the reasonable thing to do would be to (a) send her the bill for her dress, (b) return the other two unworn dresses, (c) get new dresses for the other two bridesmaids and, (d) not have her as a bridesmaid at all.

^ this. Well said bridgetreilly
Total CFer

poppyrock · 10/10/2018 14:48

I would definitely do what a couple of other posters have mentioned - message the bridesmaids saying you are returning the dresses (change of colours, decided you don’t love them, it’s pushed you too far over budget?) and see what she comes back with! What a CF.

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