Bridesmaids dress

[berri8]

I am engaged (wedding is in December) and my bridesmaids are my sister and two close friends. When we were discussing bridesmaids dresses, I said that I didn't really care what people wore or even that everyone wore the same if they didn't want to but I just wanted everybody to be happy with their outfits. Friend 1 said that she thought it looked better if everyone wore the same and Friend 2 and my sister didn't seem to have strong views either way so that was fine.

Friend 1 suggested a particular dress very early on and was quite fixated on it. The dress was quite a bit more than I had originally budgeted at £300 per dress so I suggested we shop around a bit first but said we could go for it if they all loved the dress (which I don't think the others do, although they like it well enough). In the end, we ended up going for the dress Friend 1 found, mainly because she wouldn't really entertain any other suggestions - she wasn't rude at all but just kept being negative about any other option. Friend 2 and my sister both offered individually to supplement the cost (which I obviously declined), Friend 1 has never mentioned the cost of the dress and has not thanked me for buying it for her.

I have just seen photos from a wedding Friend 1 went to as a guest last month and noticed that she wore her bridesmaids dress to that wedding. There is quite a lot of overlap with attendees at my wedding (I was invited but couldn't go as I had another wedding). Obviously it's lovely that Friend 1 likes her dress enough to wear it on multiple occasions but I kind of expected the first time she wore it would be at my wedding. I feel like it's a bit cheeky for her to push me into buying her an expensive dress and then wear it before the event, particularly when a lot of the attendees will be the same? I know this isn't really a big deal in the grand scheme of things but it does feel a bit cheeky. I won't mention it to her either way as not worth making a big deal out of but I was just wondering whether others would feel the same way? Or am I being a bridezilla?

I've just realised she wore it at a wedding not a party. And the guests there will be going to your wedding.

So if it's a fab dress and lots of people complimented her on it, they certainly won't forget what it looks like when she is walking down the aisle behind you.

I can't believe you're not upset or concerned about this and you've basically said to your 'friend', don't worry it's ok. It's NOT OK!

You are being played.

Her response from you last post is not genuine. She is apologising and saying all the right words, while subtly blaming you for being laid back about the dresses, and only because she got caught.

It is incomprehensible that someone would think they could wear a £300 dress, bought by a bride for her bridesmaids to wear out to a party before the wedding.

But that she’s so so sorry and is there anything she can do to make it up to me and am I still happy for everyone to wear the dress?

^ I especially call bullshit on this. That would mean compensating you £900 for the 3 dresses so you can get new ones. Nice words to get her out the shit, no substance.

As nice as the apology is, she is yanking your chain. I am not saying fall out with her, or play games asking her to pay for those dresses, but make sure she knows she was bang out of order and has hurt you and while you will be pragmatic about it it has ruined a bit of your wedding for you.

If all the bridesmaids are similar dress sizes.

1. Ask for her dress back.
2. Use it for another bridesmaid. Return their unused one.
3. Sack get from bridesmaids duties and your friendship

So bad. This is just setting the precedent for further piss-taking, you meek little mouse !

What are the bets on the day, she "forgets" her card and gift.

Because you have lots and lots of monies to pay for everyone else's shenanigans (in her eyes) you'll say, "don't worry about it"

I bet you'll be shouting her brunch, too

How would you of felt if she’d spilled red wine over the dress? Also is she married? If so, how would she of felt if one of her bridesmaids did the same? You’re too forgiving.

I can't believe what a doormat you're being. How can you not see she's using you?! If you were 'upset enough to make s Mumsnet account' then be upset enough to tell her how it's made you feel. Even better send her a link to this thread!

Also the benches aren't the best seat!

OP obviously doesn't see herself as a doormat, and hopefully this was just one big misunderstanding! I'm assuming your mate has never been to a wedding before not does she know anyone who's gotten married? Unless you told them they could wear dresses they already owned, there is no way she thought it would be acceptable to wear a dress bought specifically for one occasion for another.

If you won't sack her, I'd make sure her CF is referenced in the speeches

"and the bridesmaids all look wonderful! It was nice of X to give you a sneak peek at the BM dresses before the big day wink"

She's not sorry she did it. She's sorry you saw. But as you're great friends and she's usually ok I would think saying 'actually I am quite upset and it's taken the shine off my wedding' she will be rushing to make amends in some way.

Of course she knew what she was doing!

My late twenties yr old DD is due to be bridesmaid and the dress that she is wearing is just fabuloso. The wedding isn't till March She gets loads of posh work functions to go to. She wouldn't dream of wearing it to one of those. It's in a clothes protector in the back of her wardrobe waiting for the wedding of one of her best friends.

Major CF. I've seen your updates and still not convinced otherwise. I even feel sad for your other bridesmaids who are now wearing the dress she's already outed. As a bridesmaid it's exciting being part of the whole process getting dressed with you, all looking different to usual etc and being part of the group in a special outfit following or preceeding you. I was fully laid back didn't even chose my own flowers or cake but this is awful behaviour.

Yeah you're being a pushover and I say that as a people pleaser myself.

This is so cheeky, what if it had got ruined? I can't believe she didn't even ask you first. Be careful not to be so laid back you become a doormat.

OMG that is soooo rude and disrespectful, your way toooo nice OP!!! id be livid! I would be speaking in person about this and changing the other 2 bridemaids dresses to something they like................if this is possible! My eyes widened in horror when i read what shed done. I hope you stand up to her and tell her that shes been a truly CF.......disgusted for you. Shame on her.

Good luck OP

whooops read your update, shes a card! im sorry but surely she knew this is just not on..........piss taking springs to mind! stop being so soft! im still disgusted..............

OP, it's amazing how often in life people can somehow maintain a reputation as 'a really nice person' while doing some fucking rude things - which are swept under the carpet because no one can believe they did it intentionally.

This is one of those occasions.

She made you spend £300 on a dress for her to wear to a party. The fact that she can re-cycle it for your wedding is just a bonus, especially since it's not a dress you would have chosen for your bridesmaids. Still, all turned out nice, eh?

First, I'm not a lawyer.

This bridesmaid-zilla has conned the OP out of £300 for a dress she wanted to wear to a third party's wedding, by the deception of telling the OP that it was for the OP's wedding. The OP's wedding is why the £300 was paid, and that amount only after considerable pressure from bridesmaid-zilla, obviously with a purpose behind it.

Am I the only one to think there's some criminal behaviour in this and far from letting the perp off the hook, the OP should be talking to the police about fraud, it's obtaining something of value by deception?

The £300 was paid for the bridesmaid to have the dress and wear it as a bridesmaid at the OP's wedding, and was the bridesmaid's to do with what she wanted AFTER the wedding, not before.

It's not any old dress, it's for one purpose only, the OP's wedding, and now it's secondhand and not returnable, and very likely to embarrass the OP if worn by this bridesmaid at her wedding. The £300 is a total loss to the OP; you won't be getting that back, OP. The other two dresses are also useless and have to be returned and replaced.

It's money, ffs, the legal system takes money offences very seriously.

Even more importantly, this will hang over the biggest day of your life, that you want to be perfect, and tarnish all your memories of it. Why should that be allowed to happen? Have a think about this OP, then tell this person she either pays the money back, you cancel her wedding invitation, cut her out of your life, and say nothing more about it; or you'll look into whether it's a crime and what to do about that. Why are you being so generous to someone who doesn't deserve it? Did she suddenly become this awful person after many years of beautiful friendship, or did you just not see it previously?

It's not about a dress, it's about being deliberately deceived by someone you trusted. Was it the first time she's ever done something nasty to a friend? No, I don't think so either.

Tell me she has at least had it professonally cleaned after wearing, eating, dancing, sweating in it all day at another wedding?

get her to give it to you to check for any damage/spots/differences in colour with other dresses, if full length any damage around the hem. You dont wont to notice this for the first time on your wedding day, if there is any damage at all she pays to replace.

OP, your friend is not nearly as sweet and considerate as you believe. She is just far more underhand and manipulative than you realised. She gets away with it because she plays everyone just as she has done with you. Her type always does and people are left scratching their chins and wondering how they got manipulated like that and on top if are made to feel bad for even raising that issue. However, I would weigh up if drastic actions like returning the dresses etc is really going to help. If anything, that would just cause more unnecessary stress. Think the solution would be that your CF friend contributes at least half of the cost of the dress since she worn it before your wedding.

She is the worst kind of cheeky fucker. She’s subtly making the op feel like it’s HER fault. Here’s the op trying to convince us all she’s a lovely friend really.

Op - she’s not. She’s one of the worst cheeky fuckers I’ve seen in a while. She’s making you feel bad about asking her about the overly expensive dress SHE made you buy and then wore to a wedding.

It’s a bridesmaid dress. It’s meant for your wedding. Sure she can keep it and do what she likes after that but no one surely thinks they can debut it somewhere else first?!

How much did it cost? All you’ve said is that it was way more than the £300 you set aside (a pretty reasonable budget by the way).

She’s using you and she will continue to use you as you are too nice and don’t want to see how one of your closest friends can be such a dick to you.

She then said that was really sorry to have upset me, she hadn’t thought that it was a big deal given I’d been so relaxed about the dress and told then to choose what they wanted. And then bitched about every dress until she got what she wanted which she also knew was more then you wanted to pay.

You also mention she is slender and beautiful but goes on about her size. I bet this garners lots of 'oh CF dont say that, your ass is amazing, look at your tiny waist. I wish I had breasts like yours' etc while she laps it up.

Another one here who wonders about the bench seats. How in good Christ did she manage to convince you that that was the best seat? My heart sinks a little when I see a bench and I make a beeline for a proper chair with a back.

I'm sorry to say but I agree with others who reckon the present and card will conveniently by forgotten on the wedding day. If she is not married then you will be cut from her wedding due to numbers and in 5 years time will look at your wedding pics and think 'I was a mug'.

You are not a bridezilla, she is a cheeky bitch of the highest magnetude.

If of course you go ahead with her in your wedding party I would do as a poster suggested above and either mention the dress getting a sneaky outing in your speech or get the best man to drop it into his.

Anyone else waiting for the next thread that reads:
“AIBU as a Guest turned up at my wedding dressed up as a bridesmaid when she wasn’t one” from the other wedding.
Total CFery. Hope she sees this thread!

I think everyone is over reacting here. She has been a bit cheeky but I really don't see the problem. So what if the dress gets worn twice. Do you really think people will be sitting around at OPs wedding whispering "Omg I've seen that dress before this is so embarrassing for OP". No, they won't even remember. And unless you handmade the dress, others can buy it and wear it, there could even be someone wearing it at OPs wedding.

I think you have handled it well OP.

And to the PP above who suggested calling the police and reporting the bridesmaid for criminal fraud, please get a grip.

Well she saw you coming, didn't she.

Combo of two answers above:
First, tell her you've decided on a different dress and you'll be ebaying that one, so can she send it to you ASAP.
Then, sack her, refund for the other dresses, and buy something the other bridesmaids like.

You've been far too forgiving. A doormat in fact.
Everyone will walk all over you if you stay this laid back about everything.

@berri8 - I think in the effort to not be seen to be Bridezilla, you have gone 100% in the opposite direction of trying to be a people pleaser and a doormat.

This bridesmaid got you to pay for her dress (the one she is supposed to be wearing to your wedding first). It was a dress that you weren't gone on to begin with for the reasons of price or whatever. She managed to convince you to buy them for the bridal party as the other bridesmaids were not fussed either.

She then wears said bridesmaid dress to another wedding where some of the guests attending that wedding will be attending yours.
You're still not cross with her??

@Thursdaydreaming - 'Everyone is over reacting here', really??
This is a woman's wedding day. The dresses cost more than the OP was originally going to spend and then the BM goes and wears it (could have damaged the dress/spilt food or wine on it/got makeup on it) ahead of the actual wedding day it was bought for?

I think the OP is massively under-reacting, to be honest. Massively.