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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not have my grandson 5 days a week?

538 replies

Liliana75 · 10/10/2018 12:27

Hi, my grandson is 2 years old. He's a lot of hard work but lovely of course. My daughter is in her late 20s and was doing well for herself working as a care assistant and providing for her son. He goes nursery 2 times a week and I have him on a Friday which completely tires me out. My daughter has just started an access course at college and doesn't do her job anymore but is a delivery person from 5pm-10pm and my grandson goes with her which isn't ideal but I just can't have him all those times 5 days a week but it works ok for now but I had to ask what she will do when she goes to university as she plans to be a paramedic!! She says she was hoping I'd help. I absolutely love my daughter but that's very expecting and I just can't have him for 3 days a week and she will need to still work the evenings too and will probably want me to have him more. I can't do it all. AIBU?

OP posts:
Dontfeellikeamillenial · 10/10/2018 12:28

By the time she's training to be a paramedic he'll be in school?

Wolfiefan · 10/10/2018 12:30

He’s 2 and up until 10pm? No wonder he’s hard work.
It’s not your job to raise her child. If you can help then that’s great but she shouldn’t expect or demand it.

Original poster
Liliana75 · 10/10/2018 12:30

Not when she's at university he won't be

OP posts:
noideawhattodonow · 10/10/2018 12:31

I was a single parent and I did my nursing degree and I worked through my degree.
I had a good childminder, and friends occasionally helped. I had a student bursary and I prioritised that on paying for us and childcare. I also found placements were really helpful with shift patterns.

So no your not BU at all! I actually think she's taking the mickey a bit.

The best way to earn income with flexibility during your training and to gain experience is by working on the nhs bank

00100001 · 10/10/2018 12:31

YANBU.

She shouldn't have gone on the access course without organising proper childcare in place. Also, she's dragging him out in the car for FIVE HOURS? Confused

She needs to give up the course or pay for a childminder.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 10/10/2018 12:31

That's a discussion she should have had before making changes to her circumstances.

She also could have waited for him to go to school before starting the access course.

She has made her choices for her own reasons.

You need to make your own choices for your own reasons.

Di11y · 10/10/2018 12:31

Yanbu you have no obligation. Your grandson will be eligible for 15 free hours a week (termtime) the term after he is 3.

Not sure what help towards childcare costs she is eligible for when studying but there might be something.

Wheresthel1ght · 10/10/2018 12:32

Whilst I understand and agree in principle with your position, surely helping her out in the evening is easier? If she is working 5-10 then I would expect her to feed him at 4 then he is in the bath at yours for 530, into bed with a story between 6-630 and the asleep and her collect him when her shift is done...

As poster above says he will be in school by the time she goes to uni so may even be a non issue.

Are there health issues that are making you so tired? I wouldnt expect someone your age to be struggling to this extent of they were fit and healthy.

Ultimately yanbu, he is her child but surely you cam see she is trying to improve her life and in turn his?

MrsPatrickDempsey · 10/10/2018 12:32

I think she is being cheeky, selfish and taking advantage of your better judgment.

PragmaticWench · 10/10/2018 12:33

He should receive the 30 hours funding from the age of three though? That should mostly cover the hours when your DD is at University?

Thebluedog · 10/10/2018 12:33

YANBU at all, you help out on a Friday, and as you’ve said that’s enough for you. She needs to sort proper childcare out and sooner rather than later. As a single parent she’ll likely be able to apply for assistance paying for childcare from benefits. I think she’s taking the Micky asking you to help our. It’s nit your problem to solve.

Rainbowqueeen · 10/10/2018 12:33

YANBU

It’s lovely that you are willing to help your DD but he is her responsibility. Your responsibility is your own health and it sounds like it is taking a beating. Don’t feel bad.

Are there other ways that you could help out if that’s what you would like to do.? Eg help with meals, assisting your DD in accessing assistance for herself through other sources. The university should be able to give guidance.

Please be upfront with her now. It will cause more ill feeling if she makes plans on the assumption that you will provide 3 days care and then you let her know that you actually won’t be.

He will be 3 soon and she can access 30 free hours childcare which will make things easier

Original poster
Liliana75 · 10/10/2018 12:34

It the day when she will be at university she wants help saying she won't be able to afford full time childcare. She is struggling and I do want to help her but I can't have him all the time. I don't mind the Friday. She was doing just fine in the care job and although a bit short (aren't we all) she got by. This seems like a very bad time to have done this.

I can't have him in the evenings it's too much and although it might just be him asleep I'm sure it won't be that simple he's 2

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 10/10/2018 12:37

Well I have my dgc on alternate Fridays, and pick up dgs5 from school twice a week. That's quite enough; I couldn't do 5 days per week. As we get older it's much more hard work than when we were in our 20s, 30s and 40s. I don't think our own Adc understand that. So DD will have to make other arrangements, won't she?

MrsJayy · 10/10/2018 12:37

Don't paramedics get on job training my friends son did his training through the ambulance service she would be workibg and earning so could afford childcare and no need for uni. Yanbu if you are not able/wanting to babysit then it is fine not too

kaytee87 · 10/10/2018 12:37

Is the child's father involved at all?

When he turns 3 he will get funded hours at nursery so you wouldn't have to help full time surely? How many hours would her university course actually be?

KeysHairbandNotepad · 10/10/2018 12:38

It's okay to say no.

I once asked my mother to look after my son temporarily when my childcare fell through but long-term is a massive ask imo.

She needs to explore other options as pps have said.

Cornishclio · 10/10/2018 12:38

YANBU. If she wants your help with childcare she should have discussed it first and had a back up plan in place in case it was too much for you.

SandAndSea · 10/10/2018 12:39

I would pick a calm time to talk, tell her how much you love her and your DGC, explain that it's just too tiring for you and offer to help her to find alternatives. You can still be there for her in other ways.

pigsDOfly · 10/10/2018 12:39

I might be completely out of date here, but I remember a lot of colleges having creches.

It's her job to sort out her own life and how she manages her childcare. As pp said it's not your job to raise her child.

MatildaTheCat · 10/10/2018 12:39

You have to have a proper conversation with her and be completely clear about what you can offer.

If she can’t make it work and has investigated all options on childcare she will have to delay until he’s older.

To earn in the meantime could she do some bank shifts at night and have him sleep at yours sometimes (assuming he’s an ok sleeper?) She could then save for paid childcare at other times.

Original poster
Liliana75 · 10/10/2018 12:39

Apparently she needs this paramedic science degree and has looked into it

OP posts:
kaytee87 · 10/10/2018 12:40

My mother has 2yo ds once a week from 9-4 (he naps for 2 hours at lunchtime) and MIL has him once a week for the same time. I wouldn't ask them to do more. They do the very occasional overnight (once a month or less) if DH and I have a night out together.

explodingkitten · 10/10/2018 12:41

She can't have it all. Going to university is a choice, and it looks like she just can't afoord to do that right now. Maybe in aew years when he goes to school.

Disabrie22 · 10/10/2018 12:41

Looking after a two year old is exhausting at any age - I can see why you are anxious about this. If she goes to uni they may have crèche facilities?

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