AIBU to not have my grandson 5 days a week?

[Liliana75]

Hi, my grandson is 2 years old. He's a lot of hard work but lovely of course. My daughter is in her late 20s and was doing well for herself working as a care assistant and providing for her son. He goes nursery 2 times a week and I have him on a Friday which completely tires me out. My daughter has just started an access course at college and doesn't do her job anymore but is a delivery person from 5pm-10pm and my grandson goes with her which isn't ideal but I just can't have him all those times 5 days a week but it works ok for now but I had to ask what she will do when she goes to university as she plans to be a paramedic!! She says she was hoping I'd help. I absolutely love my daughter but that's very expecting and I just can't have him for 3 days a week and she will need to still work the evenings too and will probably want me to have him more. I can't do it all. AIBU?

Lots of bitterness and resentment on here...

That’s ok - I read my post back and I see why you read it that way.

No one is under any obligation - obviously the OP can say no, my parents certainly would and have - it’s just that families work better all round when we help each other. Helping her daughter now may lead to a much better future all round - potentially something the OP may benefit from in later life (a daughter more willing and financially able to help the OP in old age).

Again with the logic of don't expect help because you didn't help with grandchildren,.
So by this logic, if my children don't have children in my lifetime, because I haven't helped them with these children then I am not worthy of their support in my old age?
If my children thought this I would wonder where the fuck I had gone wrong to raise them to be so bloody entitled.
Regardless of who you help you should do it because you are able to and you want to. There should never be any pressure to provide support.

Lol no one has said don’t expect help because you didn’t give it etc!

My own parents haven’t helped one bit but I’m already starting to help them more and more, doing so because I love them. Do I wish they’d actually WANTED to help with their grandchildren a little, get to know them more by looking after them or given my husband and I a break together now and then...yes I do, that would have been so completely appreciated and wanted!

If I had been a struggling single Mum desperately trying to make things better then absolutely I would have hoped my mum would have done more than the OP is suggesting.

Older people put plenty of pressure on their children to look after them in old age - many of them feel very ‘entitled’ to care and help. Often adult children have no choice but to help because there is no other option (other than a heartless one) All that has been suggested is that it should work both ways.

no one has said don’t expect help because you didn’t give it etc!

They have upthread, there were some fairly nasty ones in fact.

No, you are absolutely not BU. As a full time student on an intense full time NHS course with a 3 year old I know how hard it is. There is little support for student parents who are not entitled to the 30 hours, but we get 15 now which is helping. My Mum looks after my daughter one day a week and I am eternally grateful. I see it as a sacrifice for her really. I am the one responsible for my child's care so I only took my place at Uni following detailed budgeting and having both a nursery and child minder in place. It IS expensive and incredibly difficult but I am doing this for my family in the end and it is only short term. I would never expect my Mum to do more than one day a week. Tiredness aside, you shouldn't feel obliged. I am sure your daughter is very grateful for the help you already give. Just have an honest chat with her. Maybe she has just assumed you would want to do it. It's totally ok to say no. You could always offer to be on hand for illness cover or late picks ups on a more emergency basis to soften the blow?!

As a 64 year old GM I know just how exhausted I get looking after a 2 and a 5 year old.
You're definitely not being unreasonable OP.
It's easy for those saying that '..of course you should/ I would willingly do this for my DD...' /running the OP down; I assume very few of those criticising are the OP's age and if she says she finds it exhausting who on earth do you think you are to argue?
Say 'No' OP, no grandparent should be blackmailed /bullied into providing childcare, shame on those thinking otherwise.

I guess very little more can be said on whether or not the OP is being unreasonable if she won’t come back with a bit more information.

Shall we call it a day then?

Op has got lots of views. No need to come back or answer any questions.

YANBU

Your daughter is trying to better herself, which is clearly a good thing. However, she also has to think about the practicalities of how she achieves her goals- that means clarifying what helps she needs and asking you if you are able to help in the way she wants. She should not have presumed/presented it to you as a fait accompli. That isn't right or fair.

Also, given paramedics work shifts I would assume she is expecting you to do this even when she is working- how else is she going to manage childcare alongside shifts? Either that or she is going to have to be able to afford expensive out of hours childcare.

You are not being unreasonable to say "this is what I can/am prepared to do in terms of childcare"- in the same way it would also be fine if you were happy to do more. It is a totally personal choice and depends on lots of factors.

YANBU although I can't see a problem babysitting him while he's asleep. I was incredibly lucky, my DM looked after my 3 boys 5 days a week, did the school run etc. while I studied and qualified and then worked. As a teacher, I get all the school holidays which gave my DM a break and I could spend time with my boys, but it was my DM's choice (my DF worked, my DM didn't) and she was only 45-50 at the time. It is incredibly difficult as a single parent and my DP helped out whenever they could but ultimately they are my responsibility and I never took their help for granted. Now as a DGM, i give my DS and DIL a break every now and again but I cannot have them full time as I work.
It is you life to enjoy however you wish. If you cannot cope with a young child, find other ways to help x

Helping our DCs with babysitting is great. It is what family is all about. It is different when the expectation gets to be too much. It can mean the DGM never has time to deal with her own things between babysitting and being tired. Some people over do the demand and use all family members till people get fed up especially if the person who wants the babysitting refuses to do things for others in the family

Havhng read some of these replies I think anyone who says you should help really are wrong.
She made her choice havhngvher child - you are her mum you owe her nothing.
It’s disrespectful for her to presume you’ll have her child as and when she needs you too have a life of your own and spent many years raising her.

I’d politely explain I can have DGS X day X time but I can’t have him anymore and I’m sorry.
If she gets cross or says then she can’t do as she planned you have to as her mother explain in life we can’t expect others to do as we want as life doesn’t work lie this.
What happens if all of a sudden 6 months down the line you HAVE to do something on the days nights you have him ? He is yes your grandchild but not your responsibility.

I years ago had to leave my abusive ex husband with a 3&7 year old and I had a good life career and childcare system 100 miles away from where I grew up and where my family lived.
My mum begged me to come back here and she said she would have the children when I worked 5 days a week. I refused but she kept in and on at me so I did - she was only 54 then 15 years ago with in 3 weeks she said point blank she can’t do it anymore and front hat day onwards - she was too tired.
So there lies a problem I had a new job new flat a single mum no friends no network around me and I was so upset as I have my organised life up as she went on at me.
I had to get a child minder and it was expensive I couldn’t leave my job as if not why any financial help leaving a job.

So the lesson here is your daughter CAN NOT rely on you as you can not know how your circumstances will change and she’s beat off with a organised child care system in place and you babysit when she needs a break or a night out.
If she can’t do this she need to rethink her life plans and put her child first.

No way are you being unreasonable she is x

@cly OP owes no one anything in here she came looking for support

I didn’t say the OP owed anyone in here anything - I merely said that it’s difficult to offer much advice to the OP when she hasn’t come back with any further information.

It’s not clear if the daughter has actually asked for full time child care or if the OP has jumped to that conclusion - obviously the daughter is hoping for more but exactly how much more?

If the OP sits down with her daughter and discusses how her new career will Work child care wise for the next 10+ years perhaps the OP isn’t as involved as she fears.

From what the OP has said, they really need a chat.

Sorry I don’t think OP has to discuss her adult daughters child care arrangements out she is not the mother of the grandchild and the mother knows her child has to come first

I’d never expect anyone to have my children for free hence my mum has never helped me since the day she let us all down and I neve asked her to she pestered me for mints to be able to look after my children when I worked

Grandparents are free childcare they shouldn’t be expected to do all you want they have they’re own lives and we should all appreciate our parents not use them to save ourselves money = respect.

I have a family member who is a paramedic.

Although this might be her dream job,, wonder whether she's actually thought it through.

As others have said, I can't see the hours suiting a lone parent - early starts and late finishes, the need to sleep the next day following a night shift, etc.

It's admirable that your DD is wanting a career and to provide financial stability for her DC, but I fail to see how anyone can accuse the OP of BU..her DD needs to follow a career that (as much as possible) fits in with her own family situation, NOT choose a career that it totally at odds with being a lone parent bringing up a toddler, but then expect her DM to pick up the peices,

I think those saying that as a grandmother OP should do whatever her daughter wants/ needs in terms of childcare are forgetting that OP has a right to have her wants and needs met too. She does not exist simply to facilitate her daughter's ambitions or plans. OP has a right to be able to meet friends, have a lie in, go for days out etc. She can't do that and do 5 days a week unpaid childcare. If OP, or anyone else, chooses to take on full time childcare for their grandchildren then of course that is up to them but she is not being an awful person for not feeling able to make that commitment.

After all, her daughter is an adult with responsibilities. Like most parents, her ambitions and plans may have to work around her parental responsibilities. Of course, wanting to better yourself is to be applauded- but she can't just make whatever plans she likes with regards to studying and simply expecting her mother to effectively take on full-time child caring responsibilities without even asking her! That is not at all fair on OP.

What about childcare once she has qualified as a paramedic? That will mean long hours and shift-work with "unsocial hours". I am not convinced OP's daughter has thought through the implications of her chosen path.

And to those suggesting OP pay for any childcare she cannot do- why? That is potentially hundreds of pounds per month, especially if it includes out of hours childcare. Why is she responsible for paying for the consequences of her daughter's decision to study? If OP wants to, that's another matter, but she certainly shouldn't be expected to.

Lala - the OP doesn’t have to discuss anything with anyone but she posted on here...discussing it. Ah obviously does need to discuss it with her daughter because she already has the grandson one day a week and the daughter would like to change that (the OP presumes yet hasn’t actually talked specifics with her) so they need to...discuss it.

Not necessarily with us but at least with her daughter!

Your mum let you down, mine would never have even entertained it, but many many grandparents love looking after their grandchildren - some do it more than others but it’s not always considered a burden or free child care. I know some lovely families where the grandparents do a lot and absolutely love it, in turn I know the families are very close and the parents exceptionally grateful.

Just because we don’t have that doesn’t mean it’s not a nice way to be.

I’m looking at having it in reverse - parents who are horrified at the thought of giving up ‘me time’ to look after their grandchildren yet are already starting to expect more and more help as they get older.

I do agree that unless the daughter has a plan to make child care work for the next 10+ years, the OP couldn’t possibly make that kind of commitment.

Why are people debating whether the OP should have the child so that her DD can go to uni when students get bursaries to pay for childcare? She won't need to do it.

To me the issue isn't just the childcare during training, it's the fact that OP's DD has chosen a field in which she will need childcare at nearly impossible times for the rest of her career. This means that not only would OP be agreeing to do childcare during training, she's pretty much committing to doing childcare for the rest of her life (or until she's no longer physically/mentally able to do so). That's a huge ask and one I would NOT be happy with. If my child already had children, I would expect my child to choose a career that fit in with having a family, especially if they were a lone parent. One of the reasons I chose the career I did (pre-children and in my early 20s) was that I knew I'd never have to work shifts and would have weekends and holidays off. I knew it would be compatible with family life later on.

I'm in the US so I expect childcare is a bit different. Nannies and Au Pairs here are ridiculously expensive and paramedics are not well paid so that wouldn't be an option. 'Night nurseries' are practically nonexistent and most of them are run by employers for their employees only. The people I knew (our kids are grown) working shifts were either two parent situations (together or divorced) who worked it out, or made do with daycare and then family or friends for 'night shift'. Occasionally they would find a college student willing to stay nights. But their arrangements seemed to change frequently and there were numerous 'emergencies' when childcare fell through and it was disruptive to the children.

It's OP's decision and she has to do what's right for her. No one should be expected to give up their 'older years' for their adult child or their grandchild unless it's absolutely necessary (illness, disability, death).

We look after the grandchildren two half days a week. We are self employed and I don't drive, we lose a day's worth of jobs each week.

Our son and his partner know we are self employed but still asked us to have our granddaughter five half days a week when she started school, in the end she started full time instead of half days, we would have ended up bankrupt if we had done it.

I know a lot of people, probably not grandparents, on here think this is incredibly selfish, but our kids are grown and we now want to live a little, not be tied down. We have a limited lifespan, and it may well be that we become less capable in 10-15 years or even less, so we really do not want to be spending that time having to be around at specific times, picking the grandkids up and delivering them home after a while. And yes, I was very glad when the school run was finished. The school the grand children go to means I cannot get there alone as it outside walking distance, so it requires both of us to make the trip.

And yes, having the grandkids is very tiring and I could not do it five days a week.

We do know something about the OP's state of health:
she is already exhausted having her GS on Fridays.

So she has already reached her physical limit.

Some people are able to continue working ft until they are 70; some are exhausted and burned out at 50.
Many people are knackered the last few years of their working life.
We don't know if the OP is 73 or what, but being retired, she's probably over 60, if she's not minted.

Looking after a 2Yo is more exhausting than working ft, going by MN posts

The OP is likely to ruin her health doing 5 days, even 2 or 3, if even Fridays exhaust her now