AIBU to not have my grandson 5 days a week?

[Liliana75]

Hi, my grandson is 2 years old. He's a lot of hard work but lovely of course. My daughter is in her late 20s and was doing well for herself working as a care assistant and providing for her son. He goes nursery 2 times a week and I have him on a Friday which completely tires me out. My daughter has just started an access course at college and doesn't do her job anymore but is a delivery person from 5pm-10pm and my grandson goes with her which isn't ideal but I just can't have him all those times 5 days a week but it works ok for now but I had to ask what she will do when she goes to university as she plans to be a paramedic!! She says she was hoping I'd help. I absolutely love my daughter but that's very expecting and I just can't have him for 3 days a week and she will need to still work the evenings too and will probably want me to have him more. I can't do it all. AIBU?

YANBU, she is lucky to have you there for any childcare at all - my mother lives over 100 miles away. It’s better to be upfront if you don’t think you can manage than have her start the course and then pull out. It’s great that she wants to develop her career but she needs a realistic plan that won’t fall apart halfway through because she’s putting too much on you.

There is lots of childcare support available for mature students these days so she should be able to work something out. The other option would be to delay the course for a year or two until he’s a little older and more manageable.

She won't be able to take him in the ambulance when she's a paramedic! Having a 2 year old in a car seat for five hours a night is really crap - not least for his health. He should be being able to move around freely, to play, wind down and then be put to bed flat in a proper cot.

I don't think you're remotely unreasonable, and she does sound like she relies on you and that's not a long-term plan that's going to work.

It's great that she's motivated to work and study but this is where she's going to have to figure out another method of childcare.

YANBU

I don't think I would be abie for a toddler 5 days a week it would knacker me and the toddler wouldn't be looked after properly that is unfair on a kid imo, the op is doing fine setting out her boundry on when she can babysit.

On a different thread anyone saying they didn't think grandparents should be EXPECTED to do childcare were called all sorts - "unreasonable", having a "disgusting attitude", etc. I don't think you're BU at all. Yes, in an ideal world it would be lovely to be able to help out but it's an awful lot to ask of you and as pp have said it's not impossible to get outside childcare help. You don't have to do all the childcare, just because it's your grandchild. It's not fair to expect you to be able to be there to do it all.

I don't think I would be abie for a toddler 5 days a week it would knacker me and the toddler wouldn't be looked after properly that is unfair on a kid imo, the op is doing fine setting out her boundry on when she can babysit

^^This. I stated this a while ago on here and got totally slaughtered for even suggesting it might actually be tiring for the grandparent in question to do the childcare a few days a week, every week.

It's far better that she knows and can think ahead about childcare now, than that she goes ahead and commits to paramedic training just expecting you to do whatever care is necessary. You have to speak up now. If you could cover emergencies but she gets proper childcare for every day, that might help. And as pp have said where is the child's dad - or even could his parents help? If they did one day and you another.. that would at least bring childcare costs down.

I found a good after school nanny from childcare.co.uk (other websites available). If she is happy for someone who wants to bring their own child with them that makes it a bit cheaper. Would that work? Maybe not for night shifts I guess.

But maybe when he's 5 or 6 you could have him overnight sometimes as he's less likely to be night waking.

I also agree he shouldn't be in a car 5 hours per day though. Could you take a bit of that off her shoulders- one or two days or a couple of hours?

Bit why did she not ask you prior to this? Did she have an idea you'd refuse..but now assumes you can't? I was a working LP with little ones and I would never have asked my mum to do that, she'd finished her child rearing and deserved a rest.

I am happy that my in-laws are willing to provide back-up care. Note that key word, back-up. I would never expect them to be the daily childcare. Plus if grandparents are your regular provider, who do you call when they are sick or traveling?

I do feel for your daughter. She is in a horrible position. I understand why you are helping out as much as you are and in your place I would probably do the same. You definitely shouldn’t feel guilty about setting limits though.

YABU. In most cultures grandparents participate in bringing up their grandkids. My mother helps me as much as she can, I'm a single mum with two kids. No way in hell would she let me drive kids around at work at night, which btw isn't a choice you make unless you're desperate and can't see another way of making things go round, just because having the kids is tiring. In my family we all help each other and kids are seen as everyone's loving responsibility.
Your daughter has a very rough life, and you have the means to help her, but you choose not to. I personally can't imagine making that choice.

I will be making that choice. I’ve spent years and years devoting all my time and energy to my kids. When they finally grow up and leave home I’m not starting all over again by caring for their kids too. Happy to babysit but I won’t be free childcare.

The u I will have a discretionary fund/childcare fund that your daughter can apply for.

YANBU. I say this as a mother of a 2 year old. I work 2 days a week and find 3 days looking after DD hard work let alone 5 days.

She has not thought this through and has chosen a career that is very tough for a single parent. How is she going to manage uni let alone shifts? You need to sit her down and discuss the practicality of the situation, now and in the future.

YANBU. I'm also a single parent and my mum has provided 2 days per week childcare for my DS since he was a baby and I'm beyond grateful (and would have understood if she said no!).

I can understand your daughter wanting to better herself - it's admirable but she has to factor in what is doable. How is she going to actually do the job once she's qualified - night shifts, weekends etc? Is she just assuming you'll pick up all the slack? She also needs to think about when she'll get to see her DS when he's at school and she's working different hours.

I think it's kinder to tell her now what you do see as doable for you now and in the future (given that he will change as he gets older as will you).

She can at least then work around that knowing the full situation. It'd be awful if she took on debt, worked really hard then realised the job itself wasn't actually doable. I'd be training for a 9-5 type job as a single parent.

It's great that your DD is trying to improve her career for her own and her DS's sake. But this route is her decision and she has to sort out the childcare.

YABU. In most cultures grandparents participate in bringing up their grandkids.

Some cultures have this tradition; in others, it's less common. We moved far away from family for a job opportunity so when I decided to do a master's, I paid for every scrap of childcare. It was my choice to study and it would've made more sense to do it pre-children - but I didn't, so I had to sort it out.

Her DD should also have studied pre-DS, but she didn't, and now she needs to find childcare. Grandparents aren't unpaid nannies, available at your beck and call. Talk about lack of respect for their time!

YADNBU OP!
For me this is a very contentious issue and I would like to explain why...

I had similar problem with my D who expected me to look after her DCs when she wanted to go back to work part time. She did not at any time expect her husband to do any child care. pick ups or drop offs even though he has a very flexible job!

This was after I had worked over 35years full time and had to stop work due to serious health problems.
She did not for one minute consider the effect it had on my health in all and tbh she didn't really care.

At no time was she appreciative of any of the help she received from me and told me that's what I was there for!!
I do not know where she got the ideas from because I paid for all child care for my DCs when I became a single parent in my early 20's(DCs aged 3 and 1) and did not rely on family or friends as they were all working full time jobs as well.
To do this I had to work initially in a low paid job, walk everywhere, no car, holidays, no expensive nights out.

I have had many conversations with parents of adult children who are worn down by the demands put on them by the ACs wanting full time childcare from their parents and see it as a right rather than a privilege.

Many parents are too scared to say anything because their ACs will get angry and not let the parents see the grandchildren.
This happened to me nearly 3years ago by that time I was bedridden and housebound.

I have seen my Grandchildren no more than 3 times a year since then and my daughter even less.

If I had known what would have happened with her cutting contact I would have refused in the very beginning to have them at all and taken more care of myself and my own health more. Instead of bonding really close with the grandchildren then not seeing them hardly at all.

So my view is put your foot down OP and don't allow your DD to make too much demands on your time for child care because it will build resentment on both sides. Your DD will expect it and you will soon find it too difficult to cope with a youngster.

Powercutie. The op is helping as much as she can so how can she be unreasonable? She finds the child exhausting and is doing one day a week. Looking after him full time isn't helping when she can, that's a full-time commitment that doesn't take into consideration the ops needs.

Yes, it's hard work being a single parent. Still doesn't mean that you expect and assume that others will constantly step in. You make plans based on your household. Clearly, the dd hasn't put any consideration into the plan of hers, unless she is then going to be a cf colleague who demands day hours only, and all Christmas days etc off. She should know paramedics work shifts, and she should plan for this, not expect mum to also do overnight childcare as well.

I am convinced some people dont live in the real world, whilst there might be childcare grants sometimes you still cant find affordable childcare.
This single mother is trying to better herself now whilst her heart is in it and lots are saying no give up until a later date even then she will still need childcare. Asking about the dad doesnt help clearly he doesnt have a hand in childcare and whilst gran is finding it hardwork or tiring surely you'd step in and help your own child to better themselves and gain the career they want.
To me not help them up the ladder seems a bit petty if you are able to help it wont be forever.
Would your daughter do for you if needed?
Single parents cant win go to college and work unsociable hours having to drag the kids round to support you both is deemed irresponsible yet if she festered at home on benefits that would be the same.
Say she stopped chasing her dream now whos to say she would ever get the chance again.
Shes trying her hardest.

OP, can you provide more information on the circumstances? Where is the baby daddy in all this? Is he providing support and maintenance? What about the dad's family - can they help look after the child?

It's alarming that your DD is driving her DS around from 5-10pm while she does deliveries. I assume that means he's left in the car/van while she gets out to make a delivery. Do her employers know she's doing this, and is she insured to have him with her? It can't be good for the child's health and development, never mind his safety. I think your DD needs a reality check on some of the decisions she's making.

She might want to be a paramedic, but she needs to think about the practicalities of that as a single parent. You’re her Mum, not her 24/7 childcare option. She’s either not thought this through (which is pretty bloody stupid at her age) or has thought it through and simply doesn’t care how you feel about it. She needs to grow up.

YADNBU. I think this may not be a career choice that will work-how will she do night shifts? Paramedics do not work nursery hours or school hours. It just isn’t practical.

My parents offered to have my son 2 days a week - I never ever asked them. I think I am super lucky. I'm very concerned that your daughter is driving around with a 2 year old for 5 hours a night until 10pm! That can't be good for him. I also agree with other posters that if she becomes a paramedic it's not going to be a 9 - 5 job - she needs to figure out who is going to look after him when she''s at work all night - and what will hapeen if she has to work on Christmas day. I applaud her for trying to better herself but this is not the best career option as a single parent.

@chibsortig

So grandparents should give up their time, become increasingly exhausted and possibly trigger health problems, because their adult children chose to have children? While one parent (the presumably absent Dad in this case) isn't pulling his weight?

I'd think most grandparents would help out to the extent they feel they can - but it's a choice and shouldn't be a massive burden on them.

Personally, I think older family members should be looked after by their children, i.e., we do things for them, not the other way around!