AIBU to not have my grandson 5 days a week?

[Liliana75]

Hi, my grandson is 2 years old. He's a lot of hard work but lovely of course. My daughter is in her late 20s and was doing well for herself working as a care assistant and providing for her son. He goes nursery 2 times a week and I have him on a Friday which completely tires me out. My daughter has just started an access course at college and doesn't do her job anymore but is a delivery person from 5pm-10pm and my grandson goes with her which isn't ideal but I just can't have him all those times 5 days a week but it works ok for now but I had to ask what she will do when she goes to university as she plans to be a paramedic!! She says she was hoping I'd help. I absolutely love my daughter but that's very expecting and I just can't have him for 3 days a week and she will need to still work the evenings too and will probably want me to have him more. I can't do it all. AIBU?

The daughter has not thought this through
She was able to support her child before, but wanted a better career.

Fine, but her responsibiliy as a parent which we are told here should last the rest of her life, is to choose one that fits with her son's care.
Being a paramedic doesn't
Carting her son around for 5 hours a night in a delivery van doesn't

If she has a plan for what childcare arrangements she'll have for uni and then the following 12 years of working all shifts,
then she should bring it in now.

If not, take responsibility as a parent - don't expect her old mum to parent
That may mean delaying her training for a couple of years, as well as a career change to something with sensible hours

... this would fit in with the opinion here that a parent is a lifetime commitment

What about his Dad? If she is a single mum she'll be entitled to 15 free hours from 2

Im a lone parent to 3 and i dont want to provide childcare for any future grandchildren.....ive done my bit and im exhausted now as it is.....having said that i will have to work till i drop so it wont be an issue.

I’m 70 and have taken and picked up my grandson from school every day for 3 years. I also have him a lot in the holidays. He is now 7 and incredibly rewarding. YEs it is hard work but wonderful to see him grow and he is very stimulating and interesting. I get loads of exercise! I also have my mum, aged 95, to visit and my husband has Parkinson’s so it’s not easy but what else shall I do...go on cruises? I manage to fit in writing 2 novels, a children’s book and painting. The more you do, the more energy you get, health allowing. If you can do it, or some, you won’t regret it, they grow up so quickly....his sister is 19 already!

Sounds as though her daughter is really trying to sort herself out...and there may be no additional support from father. If gran can help please do, it gets easier and is so rewarding. But there are also childminders so get a balance and respect one another’s needs. Don’t fall out over this, it’s too important!

Honestly, speaking as someone whose been to uni on a medical sector degree, she has her head in the clouds. I started to do it with a fairly unsupportive partner and unsupportive wider family, I had my children in childcare from 6am every morning, (very lucky to find someone who was willing to do that as most cm won’t) and picking them up at 6pm most days, when on placement I was doing nights, 12 hr days etc and it was almost impossible, course managers don’t give a fuck wether you have kids, you are expected to do the same variety of shifts as those without. In the end I had to withdraw from it as it became too much and ex had an affair which screwed up my childcare options.
I’d quite like to be a paramedic but realistically even with a new supportively partner, I still don’t have a wide circle of extended family support and couldn’t commit to it, hopefully it may be something I could do in a few years.

I think your dd needs to think realistically and defer her career choice, if she’s young, waiting ten yrs Till her child is at secondary and fairly self sufficient, is not a massive deal in the grand scheme of things. She needs to look at work options that will fit round her son/childcare as 5 hours in a car of an evening is just totally unreasonable and unacceptable, I’m betting her employers don’t realise that’s what’s she’s doing as their insurance wouldn’t cover it, leaving him in the car whilst getting out to deliver is not safe.

Ultimately no, Yanbu for not wanting to do this, it’s too big an ask.

I completed an access course last year and applied for funding through the college for childcare. I was awarded the funds to keep my son in nursery on the days I attended college. This year I am at university and I applied to Student finance for the childcare grant. This is a grant that you do not have to pay back and it pays for breakfast club and afterschool club for both my children but i know other parents on the same degree as me use it to fund nursery and childminders. My mum helped me alot before I found out about the financial help on offer. YANBU they are her children and there is plenty of help for students if you look for it. Hope this helps!

First of all I’d like to say I think your amazing having your grandchild on Fridays!! Honestly it’s more help than I ever got from my mum. It’s great your daughter is career driven but it seems like she’s also being selfish. I think she probably needs a reminder that work/career and home life should be in balance. And I’m sorry but there’s no way she should be driving around at that time with a 2 year old, it’s just ridiculous she can’t seriously expect to do that long term? I understand if monies tight we take jobs we don’t want but that’s so impractical and unfair on your grandchild, and no I don’t think that means you should feel forced to have him those nights either. I know she probably wants a career so she can provide for her baba when he’s older and make a good life for him but she should probably be a bit more mindful of the impact it’s having on those around her now. Just because it will be worth it in the end it doesn’t necessarily make it ok. So no, your not being unreasonable I think you should have him as much as you feel you can and not any more than that.

What the daughter is doing is with best intentions but she should have delayed it until after 2 year old started school.

My friend's DH is a paramedic and his shifts are all over the place and sometimes run over if he gets a call out at the end of a shift. He couldn't do it as a single parent with no income for childcare. My friend works part time and pay for part time child care.

I would gladly do some childcare when I am a granny but not 5 days a week every week on going. That is waaay too much.

Let's bring the conversation back to the OP and not about you.

You sound amazing to me!!
And each Friday is already a big commitment,I'm.

Perfectly fine to say "no". You aren't refusing to help but it was your daughter's choice and decision to have a child and, therefore, her responsibility to think how she was planning to look after the said child while also managing her professional aspirations.

My neighbour's son drops off his kids at his place every single weekend and for the entire duration of every single school holiday. Their daughter does exactly the same, and I think even that's too much as they are well into their 70s already. I can see the neighbour sometimes pottering in the garden till 10 pm in December. Sometimes I think it's to escape the chaos of having those kids around their house all the time. It is tiring. That's the reason why I think the nature built us such that we usually have our children in our younger days rather than when we are older.

Just be firm and tell your daughter that you love your grandson to bits but can't look after him 5 days per week or even every weekend. Say you can help when you can help but it can't be a regular thing. You are not a nursery or a babysitter.

Fantastic advice!!