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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to not have my grandson 5 days a week?

538 replies

Liliana75 · 10/10/2018 12:27

Hi, my grandson is 2 years old. He's a lot of hard work but lovely of course. My daughter is in her late 20s and was doing well for herself working as a care assistant and providing for her son. He goes nursery 2 times a week and I have him on a Friday which completely tires me out. My daughter has just started an access course at college and doesn't do her job anymore but is a delivery person from 5pm-10pm and my grandson goes with her which isn't ideal but I just can't have him all those times 5 days a week but it works ok for now but I had to ask what she will do when she goes to university as she plans to be a paramedic!! She says she was hoping I'd help. I absolutely love my daughter but that's very expecting and I just can't have him for 3 days a week and she will need to still work the evenings too and will probably want me to have him more. I can't do it all. AIBU?

OP posts:
MrsFezziwig · 10/10/2018 14:22

I find it hilarious that this forum is full of mums complaining how exhausting it is looking after their toddlers, and yet when a grandmother says that she finds looking after a toddler very tiring she is scoffed at!

OP, kudos to your daughter for wanting to improve her lot. However, being a paramedic is a very difficult job for a lone parent and the amount of regular childcare you would have to commit to on a long term basis, given that your grandson is only 2, is considerable. The university study part would be relatively easy to sort out as this would require day care only, but once she is training/qualified it's a different matter. My friend is a paramedic. His shifts obviously include weekends, nights and public holidays, and seem to be allocated in a completely random fashion. Also, if the crew is in the middle of dealing with a patient, they can't just clock off at the end of the shift so he is quite often late getting off. I'm sure there are paramedics on this forum who can tell me if I'm mistaken.

OP, I think if your daughter wants to go down this road and you agree to be involved, then you have to accept that you're probably going to be putting as much effort and time into bringing up your grandchild as if he were your own child. In my opinion, except in exceptional circumstances, that is not the role of a grandparent.

Fatted · 10/10/2018 14:22

YANBU. I have recently relied on family for child care and I had family looking after my two kids for around an hour or two between DH finishing work and me starting. I felt terribly guilty about asking my family to help with this, but they were willing to do so. I would never have agreed to the job without their prior agreement about it.

My parents are in their 60s and raised 4 kids of their own. They are happy to help, but I would never expect it from them. I've gone back full time now and we have a childminder now. I'd always rather rely on the childminder or DH for child care before asking family.

makingmammaries · 10/10/2018 14:23

I think perhaps YABU. Perhaps you could do more.

Imagine that one day you will be old and sick, perhaps in hospital and unable to get the care you need because the nurses are so busy. Who are you gonna call, OP? You need to put yourself out for your daughter now so she can secure a better future.

carly2803 · 10/10/2018 14:23

My mum has offered to have my LO one several days a week when he arrives - i told her dont be so silly - she has her own life - and as much as the offer is lovely its exhausting

you are definitely not being unreasonable!!!

lots of unis help with childcare - she might even get a grant to pay for child care too.... say no.

Welshmaiden85 · 10/10/2018 14:24

She won’t be eligible for 30 hours funding at 3 (just the 15) if she is studying not working. However she may we’ll be eligible for a childcare grant to pay for a childminder. Lots of unis also have a nursery onsite. I would try to support her to acces the help there is available.

theworldistoosmall · 10/10/2018 14:30

Fuck me. So now the op has to put her needs last on the off chance she might need her dd to help her in her old age. And if the op worked would you still be advising this crap? Of if the op has health issues she doesn't want to disclose because why should she, you would still say pull yourself together cos in the future you might need your dd?

The future the dd wants won't work because of shift work. So what the colleagues then have to put themselves out? Or the op has to put herself out until the child is of an age where they can be left overnight?

hibbledibble · 10/10/2018 14:31

It's great that your dd wants to study to better herself.

She would get a student bursary towards childcare: this won't cover all the costs but will significantly help.

Yanbu to not want to do full time childcare. Offer what you are able and happy with.

Angelil · 10/10/2018 14:37

YANBU. You did not choose to bring this child into the world. Your daughter did. It sounds like you are already doing as much as you are willing/able.

Snappedandfarted2018 · 10/10/2018 14:38

Op seriously you’re not unreasonable ignore those who said you are you already helping and I think with her career choice it sounds like she will continue to expect you to do the blunt of the childcare. FYI I have a 2 and half year old and he’s Devil he’s certsinly harder than my other two dc.

BigChocFrenzy · 10/10/2018 14:39

Offering Friday evening is a commitment that would be a great help

The OP has said she's exhausted looking after him for just one day
5 days every week could wreck her health pretty quickly

In cultures where families share childcare, that sharing does NOT normally land on just one GP, but is split among all GPs and multiple aunts, uncles, siblings, cousins.

The only person I know - and she's in her 20s - with a 2yr-old, is a walking zombie

She's 35 years younger than I am and I have no illusions that I could take over her role for 5 hours per day, as some posters think the OP should do

As pp said, this may be expected to continue for years even after the daughter qualifies and is actually working.

Nogoodusername · 10/10/2018 14:40

YANBU. She will need to delay her paramedic training for two years until the child is in school and she needs less time-consuming childcare - I.e wrap around childcare rather than all day childcare. Two years is nothing in the grand scheme of life. It’s not that she can’t ever do it, it’s that she can’t do it until her child is at school

Aeroflotgirl · 10/10/2018 14:45

Yanbu at all, you are entitled to say no, it looks like you could not cope with a young child, it would have a detriment on your health. I would never have expected my mum to help with childcare, she is elderly anyway so could not cope with young kids. She needs to have proper childcare in place before organising courses.

chibsortig · 10/10/2018 14:47

@AmICrazyorWhat2
Why should children who are looking after their children with no expected help from grandparents be expected to look after their parents too alongside all their other day to day business.
Surely it works both ways.You pick up the slack for your own children and in return they do the same for you. You dont suddenly become surplus to requirements when the children leave home.
It was the norm years ago for family to help each other out.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 10/10/2018 14:52

That poster saying she's surprised the OP is tired at her age ..... I haven't seen anything about her age, how do you know how old she is!

Puggles123 · 10/10/2018 14:58

YANBU- also being a paramedic will involve night shifts, working bank holidays and weekends; is this something your daughter will be able to do thinking about childcare? It is a commendable career, but ‘a better life’ always seems to be equated to earning more (even though paramedic pay is not great), rather than whether the child will be moved post to post as no one else at home to look after them. Not saying anything should stop when you have children, but looking after when she is in training could be just the start if you don’t sort something out.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 10/10/2018 15:02

@chibsortig

But surely the grandparents have already "done their bit" by raising their own children, why do they need to "pick up the slack" when those children are in their 20's, 30's, 40's,? If they can and want to, fine. But if it's going to wear them out, is that really fair?

At what point do adult children become independent adults?

Don't get me wrong, we spend time with both sets of grandparents, but they haven't "done" much for DH and I since our early 20's. I'm going to see my Dad soon mainly to help with various things. I don't expect an elderly man to help me out in my 40's.

Anyway, we all do it differently, depending on our circumstances. There's no right answer.

diddl · 10/10/2018 15:05

"Who are you gonna call, OP? "

But if we are talking tit for tat-Op brought her daughter up-must she also care for her GS to "qualify" for help from her daughter if needed when older??!!

"You need to put yourself out for your daughter now so she can secure a better future."

Perhaps her daughter should have secured her own future before having kids?

PasstheStarmix · 10/10/2018 15:07

You sound very kind op, I get worried about asking my dm to babysit ds for even a couple of hours and have only asked once since he was born 19 months ago. I would feel so guilty asking to be honest.

PipeTheFuckDown · 10/10/2018 15:08

Your DD is talking bollocks, student finance fund childcare in the form of a grant and most Universities will pay for extra childcare too.

So she either puts him in nursery or doesn’t go to Uni.

I’m a single parent with 3DC in childcare funded by SF and Uni.

explodingkitten · 10/10/2018 15:08

Sometimes being a parent means getting the boring office job to provide for your kids and being home on time. It's not a right to have a high flying career or earn lots of money.

PasstheStarmix · 10/10/2018 15:08

I agree with the statement that grandparents have done their part. They’ve had their children and all of the hardships that go with it so should surely just be getting the nice parts now and not be expected to be the main carer; it’s far too much of an ask.

DonnaDarko · 10/10/2018 15:09

BigChocFrenzy you just described me!

OP, you are not being unreasonable at all. I think your daughter has assumed too much.

I feel really sorry for your grandson being carried around all evening. Maybe that's why he's a handful when you have him!

beachysandy81 · 10/10/2018 15:11

You need to make it clear what you are willing to do so she plans her future with that in mind. Whether anyone thinks you are right or not is not the point.

PipeTheFuckDown · 10/10/2018 15:12

My D.C. are 10/7/2 - full time nursery, full time wrap around care. £303 a week. All funded by grants. I have zero parental help and I have disabilities. It is totally doable.

But your DD isn’t making choices suitable for her toddler right now.

AtrociousCircumstance · 10/10/2018 15:13

Offer what you can, with love (once a week? Twice?) and tell her she needs to find other help for the rest of the week.

YANBU but it sounds like your daughter is really trying to build a future.

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