AIBU to not have my grandson 5 days a week?

[Liliana75]

Hi, my grandson is 2 years old. He's a lot of hard work but lovely of course. My daughter is in her late 20s and was doing well for herself working as a care assistant and providing for her son. He goes nursery 2 times a week and I have him on a Friday which completely tires me out. My daughter has just started an access course at college and doesn't do her job anymore but is a delivery person from 5pm-10pm and my grandson goes with her which isn't ideal but I just can't have him all those times 5 days a week but it works ok for now but I had to ask what she will do when she goes to university as she plans to be a paramedic!! She says she was hoping I'd help. I absolutely love my daughter but that's very expecting and I just can't have him for 3 days a week and she will need to still work the evenings too and will probably want me to have him more. I can't do it all. AIBU?

Whilst it is great that you help your daughter out, her childcare is not your responsibility and I say that as a single parent who has been helped a lot by my own mum. But right from the start she has made it clear what she can and can't do do so I have never taken advantage of her.

If you are able to do a bit to help out, then decide what that is, tell your daughter and then she can arrange care for the rest of it. But ultimately she must not expect you to do what you can't/don't want to do

Being a paramedic means shift work, how on earth is she planning her child care for when she is working?

Seems like she really hasnt thought this through at all. I would suggest talking to her about alternatives to this career choice tbh from a purely practical pov, unless she is planning on spending most of her income on expensive overnight childcare.

Yanbu I think. You've done your parenting. She's asking you to do parenting not grandparenting. Her plan doesn't sound well thought at all.

Is she getting her free 15 hours now? Then she should get 30 hours when he's 3. She should also be getting tax credits. Couldn't you take him in the evenings while he's sleeping, surely he can go to bed at 6.30/7pm and then it's no trouble? Plus find out if there is a creche at the University? It sounds like she's trying so hard, it would be good to talk with health visitors and the University to make sure she maximises on all the help she's entitled to, then see if you can provide more of the "easy" care. If he's a handful, see if you can take him to children's centre stay & play (swap the day if needed) and then a playground, wear him out!

Yanbu, but is there anything you can do just to help a little more? She sounds like she's got so much on and is working very hard trying to improve her situation. I think if it were my dd and I could see her struggling, I'd want to offer her something.

For context, I asked my parents for help just one day a week to cut childcare costs and they felt they couldn't honour a regular commitment like that. Fair enough. They're fantastic grandparents, loads of fun, love the dc, and have always said they're willing to help look after them if they're ill and we can't get out of work, babysit so we can go out occasionally etc. I can understand that a regular commitment is a big ask. But I also have a dh to help me and I'm not working all hours to make ends meet.

If I was sticking my 2 year old in a car seat for 5 hours every day and not getting him to bed until 10pm I expect my family would step in to tell me that's totally unacceptable pretty fucking quick. She needs to come up with another plan.

She doesn't NEED the degree to become a paramedic. However whatever way she does get into that job who's going to do childcare then. A paramedic isn't a 9 to 5 job. She'll be working shifts, weekends, school holidays etc what childcare will there be when her son isn't at school or nursery

No, I think you just say you can't commit to that. Does the uni have a crèche until he gets free childcare?

Offer only what you can manage and if that's nothing then unfortunately she'll have to go back to work until he's in school or qualifies for the 30 hours free childcare next year.

I have friends who are paramedics who didn't go to uni (qualified approx 5 years ago so maybe different now)

Tell her she will be eligible for a childcare grant when she starts her degree which will cover 85% of her childcare costs. So between him being at Nursery, she needs to find a decent childminder who she can leave him with on days when she has lectures etc. As for working evenings, that will be extremely hard as her workload for University will be insanely busy. The grant is through Student Finance and obviously she doesn't need to pay it back.

You should not commit to anything that you cannot sustain. It will only cause heartache later.

I was also going to mention the shift work. It's not just a case of childcare funding, she will need to work hours outside of regular childcare hours, evenings and weekends. I don't think it's a good career choice for a lone parent. She needs to rethink.

Think carefully about what you are actually able and willing to do to help. Then communicate this clearly to your daughter. Her child is her responsibility, but your support will make a big difference even if it is only partial. However... you do sound rather disparaging about her attempts to build a better and more secure future for herself and child. Why is that? Are you being totally honest (with yourself) about all the reasons for not being on board?

In the nicest possible way I think your daughter hasn’t thought this through.
Say she manages to cobble through childcare for university what is going to happen when she is working 12 hour shifts of earlier, lates and nights and no guarantee as to finishing on time?
Itnwould cost a fortune in wrap around care if she was even lucky enough to find someone to do these hours or are you going to be expected to step,in once more?

YADNBU
I think it is great your daughter is trying to improve her career options by studying, but she has to ensure her child is cared for appropriately. That is our responsibility as parents. Personally I hate when parents just assume that grandparents will step up all the time. Really not ideal the little one being out so late at night either. you are entitled to your own life and freetime to spend as you wish!

How on earth will she cover working shifts as a paramedic as a single parent?

Sounds like an ill thought idea all round.

If she can't get the child's father or benefits to cover her childcare then perhaps she should just Daly going to uni until he's in school? It's only a couple of years. When you have children it does restrict what you can and can't do and she shouldn't expect you to do the childcare, you e done your bit raising her.

Obviously you can only commit to what you can commit to, but I will say that many children are more tiring at 2 than they are at 6. (some of course remaining tiring...)

"I don't understand why he is so exhausting, does he have a behavioural issue?"

My goodness I find mothering a toddler exhausting, isn't that the norm?

Of course YANBu! Good for her for having some ambition and going down a career path that will support them long term but she needs to get come childcare in place. Paramedics do a lot of shift work, so she’ll need a reliable childminder/ babysitter when she qualifies.

I don't understand why he is so exhausting, does he have a behavioural issue?

WTF???? 2yo children are exhausting because they're on the go all the time and you need eyes on them at all times. I'm very surprised that you need this pointed out to you.

Just say no. She sounds incredibly presumptuous. Your life should be more important to you than your daughter's, she's a grown adult and has to live with the consequences of her actions, as we all do. You could have another 10 years plus of being at her beck and call. Just say no, my DM did. Not difficult.

Yes maybe as he gets older you won't find him such hard work is there no other family/ friends that can help out with her night job it is a long night if he is sitting in his car seat unless he sleeps but I am assuming she might need to leave him the car if he is asleep. I am not trying to make you feel guilty but it isn't an ideal situation for them to be in.

Thanks goodness @seeyouhen , I was starting to think there was something wrong with me!

Technically YANBU because he is not your child.
BUT I feel so sorry for your daughter. Do you not want her to succeed and be able to provide a better life for herself and her child?

You have the power to help your daughter. It's a pain looking after a toddler but this would really help your daughters future. It's your call but I think you feel so conflicted because you want to help your daughter and deep down know it is the 'right' thing to do.

Sorry but I think it’s really unacceptable for a 2 year old to be driven around for 5 hours doing nothing until 10pm. Your daughter is obviously working hard to try and improve her prospects but it doesn’t sound like a workable plan at this stage.

However while she is rethinking things I think you could stand to be more supportive. She’s really trying. If that was my grandson I’d suck it up in the short term so he was getting a better deal. My 2 year old has dinner at 5 and is asleep by 7pm, it’s not that hard.