AIBU to not have my grandson 5 days a week?

[Liliana75]

Hi, my grandson is 2 years old. He's a lot of hard work but lovely of course. My daughter is in her late 20s and was doing well for herself working as a care assistant and providing for her son. He goes nursery 2 times a week and I have him on a Friday which completely tires me out. My daughter has just started an access course at college and doesn't do her job anymore but is a delivery person from 5pm-10pm and my grandson goes with her which isn't ideal but I just can't have him all those times 5 days a week but it works ok for now but I had to ask what she will do when she goes to university as she plans to be a paramedic!! She says she was hoping I'd help. I absolutely love my daughter but that's very expecting and I just can't have him for 3 days a week and she will need to still work the evenings too and will probably want me to have him more. I can't do it all. AIBU?

YANBU.

Whilst I applaud her for wanting to better herself and support her child, your DD is completely barking up the wrong tree is she thinks that being a paramedic is in any way a flexible and conducive career for a single parent.

You are effectively signing yourself up for being on hand for cover from the start of university until the child is old enough to be left alone overnight. So let's say another 15 or 16 years?

Let's be straight here too, even when she is at university, she will be on placement doing long shifts. Those placements may also be no where near home, so she has to commute to and from them, often at unearthly hours.

How does she seriously think she can manage to make this work? I think you need a sit down and tell her a few home truths. You need to understand what her expectation of you "helping" is.

I think YADNBU, but I think I'd also try to look at the long term gain.

If your DD completes her schooling, would it make her more self-supporting and able to pay for childcare for the rest of her working years? Where I live in the US paramedic school is a 12 month course. I think I could suck it up for a year if I knew that it meant that my child would be more financially sound and able to pay their way. But I'd have a definite understanding with them that I would not be doing childcare once they started working.

Others have mentioned it, but I'll bring it up again. Paramedic is shift work and 'newbies' normally start with the worst days and the worst shifts. And it may take years to work one's way up the seniority ladder to days. Has your DD given this any thought? You'd better raise it with her now and be sure she understands your limits. I have a feeling she's either being unrealistic about what shifts she'll get or is just assuming that you'll do childcare if when she's stuck on night shifts, weekends, and holidays.

I am convinced some people dont live in the real world, whilst there might be childcare grants sometimes you still cant find affordable childcare

So therefore grandparents have to commit to full-time childcare? Are you for real? You sound as selfish and entitled as OPs daughter. It would maybe be fine if it was 1 day/afternoon a week, maybe 2 but 5???

I am convinced some people dont live in the real world, whilst there might be childcare grants sometimes you still cant find affordable childcare.

Oh, I agree. Some people don't live in the real world and they expect others to look after their children providing round the clock care. Just like the op's dd. Getting overnight care whilst the DD is on placement and then actually working won't be affordable. That's a decision she is wanting to make and will have to come up with a plan to make this affordable.
Or like many of us, put the long-term plan on the back burner, do something else whilst looking at the logistics of making the dream job a possibility.

Firstly your dd is doing her best to better herself, i bet you are very proud of her.
It can't be easy with a small child on your own.
But, you have done your child raising and whilst it's lovely of you to provide the care you do, it's not your responsibility.
I don't think I could manage more than once or twice a week either, they are hard work.
Offer what you can and your dd will have to find alternative care.

If I was going to do anything it would to try to have him in an evening rather than being driven around for 5hrs!

Also of course, paid care is unlikely to be available then.

@chibsortig - haven't you heard of the sandwich generation? Some of us have already done the kids and grandparent care.

It looks like she will not be able to train to become a paramedic just now, she has to look for a job to fit round her child like others do. Op is entitled to say no, she does not want to as the kids a handful and she won't be an.e to cope. That is reason enough.

Once she starts university she can access funding for parents, plus he will be three which means 30 hours of nursery (if working/studying) if she is low income she should get some hours now he's two too. She probably needs to visit a benefits advisor to ensure she is getting the correct support. As to working evenings - it's not fair on him, it's not your responsibility but she needs to be told it's not appropriate to have him with her making deliveries.

On a different thread anyone saying they didn't think grandparents should be EXPECTED to do childcare were called all sorts - "unreasonable", having a "disgusting attitude"

Yes, i was thinking that! The OP on the other thread was going on about how her mother "should" offer child care.

My mother was emotionally blackmailed by my SiL to look after her young DC for 4 days a week, because my SiL is not a 'coper' - she mistakenly thought my mother would be delighted to do this for no payment. My SiL doesn't really know my mother particularly well. I was shocked at how exhausted my mother looked when I visited her after 4 months of this. And I was very angry with my brother for allowing this to happen.

Don't do it OP if you think you will be exhausted. You are not obliged.

How the hell is your daughter going to be a paramedic as a sole parent? She going to buckle the kid into the ambulance and bring him on a ride along?

I think for a lot of parents on here if we had GP help on tap we'd make very different life / career choices. But we have to be pragmatic and make compromises.

Having said that I do feel for lone parents as they do have to rely on friends and family more.

YABU. In most cultures grandparents participate in bringing up their grandkids.
True, as in my culture. I did not follow suit luckily for my mum, who is in her 70s.
It also ends up creating huge bonding issues.
I had a great relationship with my grandparents. My parents? Nope.
So if there is no choice for the mum or if the grandparents choose to freely offer help... fine

But when I decided to have children my parents and PIL did not enter the equation for decision making.

Expect less, get disappointed less frequently.

YANBU at all OP.

My Dad (and Mum when she was alive) has my kids when he wants to, not because he has to, I don’t want him to feel obligated or duty bound to have them and spoil the relationship they all have together.

I also think, while it’s commendable that your DD is working towards a qualification/career, she has to cut her cloth according to her means. It’s very unfair to assume you’ll have him, and even more unfair to pressure you.

Full time students in higher education can get childcare grants. She will be able to pay a registered childcare provider to look after him.

It was the norm years ago for family to help each other out

Helping each other out does not = full time childcare 5 days a week.

@ShineOnHarvestMoon

Please tell me your mother stopped with the childcare.

Your daughter is doing so well, working long hours, aiming to improve her lot. She isn't doing really well as a carer, she's struggling to survive. Be ambitious for her, applaud her efforts to earn more and be a good example to her son. I am ambitious for my children and will do whatever I can to help advance them. That's me though, my choice and doesn't have to be yours. Is she young enough to assume "mum will do it?" and to take what you give her for granted?
Be clear with her about your choice, so that she makes an informed decision. And, think of her differently, be proud of her efforts and tell her so. Research what childcare assistance is available, ring the university access office and ask.

Me im not entitled neither of my parents nor my OH's parents help out with childcare they never have however not a chance would i let my children struggle knowing how expensive and restricted childcare can be.

Ummm. It's a hard one, unless I'm missing it I cannot see where she is asking you to have him 5 days a week? To be honest my mum would do it, especially if i was trying to be more qualified to get into a propper career not just a case assistant. He will get 30 hours funded when he is 3 and that will cover the most of it. In terms of having him in the evening I do think you're being unreasonable not helping. I would not let my grandson sit in a car for 5 hours a night because I didn't really want to have him interrupting my soaps. You could have him in bed by 6.30pm and then have your evening exactly as you wish.

Oh I agree, the DD needs to talk to the university and possibly a careers advisor to help her understand the options available. I doubt the dd will listen to the op when she raises the concerns about commuting to and from university and then, of course, the shifts during the course and beyond. This has to come from someone impartial. Because there's the chance the DD will just see this as an excuse.

It is commendable that the dd wants to improve her prospects. But not when this impacts the op long term. What the DD is asking for isn't short term.

No YANBU - 5 days is too much for a GP and she should realise this and maybe try do her course in the evenings part time so she can work in the day in order to afford childcare . If she was in her teens I'd get it. She's an adult now and it's commendable that she's trying to improve herself but she needs to do it in a way that makes sense in her circumstances.

I think there’s a bit of a shit I’m alright jack attitude hear. I think it’s great she’s improving her self and bettering her self showing a good example and has ambition. It’s wrong your grandson Is out in the car untill 10 pm though I think your beings bit mean op. But no you don’t have to help her. If she was my daughter I would totally help though.

Sorry to sound harsh but we can't all have what we want when we want.

If there is no childcare fund available for your dd to access, then she will need to put her career desires on hold until her dc is much older.

Sorry but that's life!

YAdnbu Liliana