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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH’s children changing schools, extra school fees

166 replies

Vanessatiger · 09/10/2018 13:54

DH’s ex informed us (not asking) that his two sons will be changing schools to closer to their house (they moved 20min from current school). They will be starting next term, all paperwork is done apparently.

It is £10,000 extra per child plus school uniforms, extra curricular activities etc

Not that we can’t afford it, but they chose to move, there’s nothing wrong with current school (also fee- paying), but the other one is more expensive and “posher”.
The children are teens so can easily take the bus to school.

We are just annoyed that she makes unilateral decisions and just presents the bill - “ here you go, pay upfront for the next term”. Fyi, on top of the school fees, we also pay £1500 per child per month. Plus a generous clean cut asset division. Plus any holiday they should have.

We can afford it so not bemoaning it but it seems they have no respect for us, no discussion, nothing. Apparently if we don’t pay, we aren’t thinking of what’s best for them.

So should we dispute the extra £20,000 or just suck it up and pay?

OP posts:
TwoGinScentedTears · 09/10/2018 13:55

Well, what is best for the children?

Original poster
Vanessatiger · 09/10/2018 13:57

It’s closer to their house, like a whole 15min closer. That’s about it. And “posher”. Value judgment. Not sure what’s better.

OP posts:
Hillarious · 09/10/2018 13:58

Has she done this for any other reason than to just wind you up, or is there some benefit for the children?

Racecardriver · 09/10/2018 13:59

It is posher because it is a better school? If you YABU. If it us exactly the same but posh then YANBU to be annoyed that you weren't consulted and to question whether it is actually better for them but do bare in mind that public transport options may make the journey to current school onerous or unworkable.

Original poster
Vanessatiger · 09/10/2018 14:01

She thinks it’s better for the children that the school is closer so they can sleep in the extra 15min and that they will be less tired travelling only 5min to school.she molly coddles them a lot. The 17 year old has unfortunately no life skills. The 14 year old isn’t far off. They don’t know how to buy a train ticket, make doctor’s appointments etc.. nor cooking a simple meal.

I do get annoyed how much like 10-12 yr olds they are.

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 09/10/2018 14:03

Does it take them further from your house?

How often do they come to their dads?
Can their mum afford it - as you say you can?
Has your DH talked to them about changing schools - do the kids want to?

Has he seen the new school - is he involved in the current school?
He can of course block the move if he chooses - if he thinks that is best for the kids.

Given that you are clearly high earners - and have stated that you can afford it - I would be looking at what is best for the kids - what they want too.

But yes clearly cheeky to just decide and make such demands without reference - but I guess that comes down to the balance of relationships you all have.

Thisreallyisafarce · 09/10/2018 14:04

It doesn't matter how well off you are. She shouldn't be spending your money for you. I would draw a line here and say, your decision, out your money where your mouth is.

DorothyGarrod · 09/10/2018 14:04

I would absolutely be annoyed at being presented with a £10k bill with no discussion which is actually a lot more when you add it up over the coming years. You might get criticised on here though as stepparents often don’t get given a fair hearing.

sue51 · 09/10/2018 14:05

If your ex is the fee payer doesn't the new school require his consent and bank details? The ex certainly should discuss such an importantant move with the children's father.

Tallace · 09/10/2018 14:05

Would it actually benefit them changing schools at this stage. The 17 must be in the middle of A levels???

sue51 · 09/10/2018 14:05

If your husband not your ex

maddening · 09/10/2018 14:06

So is it £40k extra and she is paying £20k herself?

Yanbu by the way

LittleOwl153 · 09/10/2018 14:07

A 17yr old I would absolutely not support moving unless they wanted/needed to move that is a crazy time!

A 14yr old I would want to be very sure it was the right move given their upcoming exams!!

Viebienremplie · 09/10/2018 14:07

Assuming the kids are happy at their current school, it's madness to change schools at age 17!

There must be more to it than a 15min lie in

sue51 · 09/10/2018 14:07

She should not be moving a 17 year old who is in the middle of A levels.

FlamingJuno · 09/10/2018 14:08

Whether you can afford it or not is largely irrelevant. You should have been consulted about a decision like that. If the ex wife was going to fund it herself, even so, their father should be consulted about matters pertaining to their education.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 09/10/2018 14:09

What do the kids want to do? At that age I'd have travelled more than 15 min to be with my friends every day

jellyelly · 09/10/2018 14:09

Can the paperwork actually be complete without your DH’s signature, assuming he has parental responsibility? I don’t know anything about how it works with divorced parents, but the forms we completed to register our children for schools required both parents’ signatures.
Not that it really makes a difference if both children are keen on the move, but it seems strange that one parent can make an important decision like this without consulting the other one?

sexnotgender · 09/10/2018 14:12

Surely she can’t just present this as a fait accompli?

If she wants to fund the switch then fair enough but if she expects you to shoulder the costs then you should be consulted.

Is this kind of thing specified in the custody agreement?

Original poster
Vanessatiger · 09/10/2018 14:12

To be honest with you, the almost 17 yr old is a troublemaker, he’s constantly in fights with others. I think she wants to move him to get a “fresh start”. She hasn’t said so but my speculation. By the way, if her son murdered someone she’d try to sue the victim’s family for vindicating her son...she’s that type. It may sound like I’m bitter but I’m not. My DH had no judgement.obviously.

OP posts:
Tallace · 09/10/2018 14:13

The kids would want to stay with their friends surely. Why would they want to begin again at a new school for the sake of a small lie in. It makes no sense.

Aprilislonggone · 09/10/2018 14:13

The school have acted illegally not gaining your dh's signature on the paperwork. They can't move without his agreement.
For that reason I would stall and discuss with the dc in some depth. They may have been railroaded into HER decision.

Original poster
Vanessatiger · 09/10/2018 14:13

We live abroad, they live in the Uk. She gas full custody.

All she needs from us is ££££ and an email from DH to school saying that he consents, because we’re abroad.

No she didn’t discuss it, we haven’t visited the school.

OP posts:
Aprilislonggone · 09/10/2018 14:16

As he still has prw she can't do it. Full custody or not..
I would tell her to jog on personally.
Next she will be selecting them a sorts car and billing their df.
Her choices she should pay for.

Original poster
Vanessatiger · 09/10/2018 14:16

He still has parental responsibility but it doesn’t do much as she normally just bypasses us in everything..
she even changed their lastname without consent. She went to court and we couldn’t dispute as we weren’t aware of it. The DC were born in Australia so she went to court there. She’s absolutely sneaky.

OP posts: