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Original poster

DH’s children changing schools, extra school fees

166 replies

Vanessatiger · 09/10/2018 13:54

DH’s ex informed us (not asking) that his two sons will be changing schools to closer to their house (they moved 20min from current school). They will be starting next term, all paperwork is done apparently.

It is £10,000 extra per child plus school uniforms, extra curricular activities etc

Not that we can’t afford it, but they chose to move, there’s nothing wrong with current school (also fee- paying), but the other one is more expensive and “posher”.
The children are teens so can easily take the bus to school.

We are just annoyed that she makes unilateral decisions and just presents the bill - “ here you go, pay upfront for the next term”. Fyi, on top of the school fees, we also pay £1500 per child per month. Plus a generous clean cut asset division. Plus any holiday they should have.

We can afford it so not bemoaning it but it seems they have no respect for us, no discussion, nothing. Apparently if we don’t pay, we aren’t thinking of what’s best for them.

So should we dispute the extra £20,000 or just suck it up and pay?

OP posts:
Eliza9917 · 09/10/2018 14:55

So should we dispute the extra £20,000 or just suck it up and pay?

Your DP should tell her that you'll pay what you have been so far and she pays the difference. If she wants to make decisions like that on her own then she deals with the rest of it.

Dollymixture22 · 09/10/2018 14:59

Ovienna has hit the mail on the head - someone has been expelled. Or is about to be - something else is going on here.

Either hubby is very uninterested in his children or his ex is keeping secrets.

I suspect the form has OP seems very judgemental about the children - if her husband had helped raise them would she be so critical.

It almost reads like this woman’s children are dreadful. Now she expects my husdand to pay more for their schooling. No one is consulying me!

I suggest the father of these poor kids dads up and rings their current school to check in. I also suggest he talks to his children to see what is going on with them.

The ‘we pay £1500 per child’ did grate a bit on me. I assume (hope%!) that was agreed by your husband before he even met you. It make it sound as if you personally are supporting his children. Are you? If you are contributing from torpor incom that is kind of you, but I am afraid it doesn’t give you a say in what school they go to. Your husdand might discuss it with you in private, but his ex wife is negotiating (albeit poorly)with the o5er parent of her children - not you.

AnneTisocial · 09/10/2018 15:00

Did DH agree? This is a decision requiring agreement from both parents and cannot be made unilaterally

Bekabeech · 09/10/2018 15:01

If it is in dispute you will need to go to Court. As she is in Australia I doubt most people here can give much advice on the legal position.

But of course if the eldest is about to be expelled that may affect the court's decision.

Dollymixture22 · 09/10/2018 15:03

The children are in the uk with heir mother. The father is outside the uk with his wife.

NotMaryWhitehouse · 09/10/2018 15:04

I seem to remember you saying previously (on a different post) that one of the sons had autism- could that be a factor in the move maybe?

I agree that it is a very weird thing to do at their respective ages. But what have they themselves said about the move?

PerfectPenquins · 09/10/2018 15:11

What input does your husband actually have? Does he see the kids at all?

PerfectPenquins · 09/10/2018 15:12

You can move schools without permission from both parents as the school only needs one parent to register them

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 09/10/2018 15:13

I’m a SM too, and it isn’t on that she just made that decision without discussing it first.

But, and it’s a big but! She’s bringing up those children alone. She has assumed (rightly) that it is within her ExH means, and it is a better/ nearer school for their kids. She probably has to make all the day to day and longer term schooling, medical and otherwise decisions. By being in another country your DH has effectively handed over all the parenting, including school.

That she mollycoddled them? Well she’s obviously very involved and caring - I’d much rather that than having the main parent being slack and feckless.

I’ve got the DP Exwife from hell, who attends no parents evenings ever, slags me off, sends her kids over when it suits her, refuses to even take them to school so we drive them... etc.

You have not got the DH ex-wife from hell! Cut her some slack and let her parent, it’s not easy totally on your own.

KaliforniaDreamz · 09/10/2018 15:14

If you can afford it and it is better for the boys then just pay it and quit judging her. I imagine it's hard raising 2 teenage boys while their father lives abroad.

Aprilislonggone · 09/10/2018 15:18

In UK both parents need to approve a move or via court order.

Original poster
Vanessatiger · 09/10/2018 15:20

She’s not on her own. She has a second husband, she left DH. She moved the children away, changed their lastnames, sent us the bill for bringing them up. She basically thinks my DH isn’t good enough to bring them up but good enough to pay. That’s basically what she was all about.

She was an expat wife too, he followed the kids to the UK but it was very hard trying to gain access and in and out of court for over 3 years. It affected his mental health, became suicidal. Then left to live the expat life again.
I know you’ll judge us for choosing life over fighting for access but the children suffered too. She didn’t want co-parenting, she didn’t want input, she only wanted enough money..

OP posts:
Original poster
Vanessatiger · 09/10/2018 15:22

She treats the children as little kids. It’s not loving and caring, it’s making them dependent on her

OP posts:
Original poster
Vanessatiger · 09/10/2018 15:24

You’re wrong, they will move school without DH’s consent. I don’t know if she actually faked his signature or just told lies that he’s uninvolved..

OP posts:
Bluetrews25 · 09/10/2018 15:24

Sounds like older one has been told to leave.
Or, have fees actually been paid at all?(So they are both out because of unpaid fees?)
Why else move both of them at a crucial stage?
I do appreciate how difficult it can be to have a lot of active input when you are in different countries!
I'd personally want to keep the current contribution level, and she tops up the difference.You can't make that level of change without consultation in advance!

Changing schools because the new one is posher and even closer to home so they can have an extra 15 mins in bed is the biggest load of BS ever.
ARE they even changing schools at all? Is ExW just after some more cash for herself?
OP, DP really needs to email the school and get the truth here.

Aprilislonggone · 09/10/2018 15:25

Dh needs to ring the school. Advise them without his agreement they won't be getting any funds at all never mind extra!!

sue51 · 09/10/2018 15:28

This sounds awful. Can you bring DSS over to you. At his age a court will take his views into account.

Bluelady · 09/10/2018 15:33

I imagine that's the last thing OP wants, given the tone of her posts. We have no idea what her husband thinks, it's all about her.

SputnikBear · 09/10/2018 15:34

No. She doesn’t get to spend your money. She gets the amount she’s always had. If she wants a more expensive school she can pay the difference herself.

BangingOn · 09/10/2018 15:34

Has she withdrawn them from their current school already? Would they even have a place there if you refused to pay.

I would definitely refuse to pay, her behaviour is terrible.

Mummyundecided · 09/10/2018 15:39

My sympathy here is for the kids. Sounds pretty horrid for them.
If your DH can afford it, he should pay the fees. He’s an absent father (whether through choice or not), and if that’s in the financial agreement and he can pay it, he should. OP, YOU aren’t paying anything, that’s not how it works. As a stepmum and second wife who often has to bite her tongue about finances, in my experience, you need to let your DH sort this out. However much it might piss you off.
I’d have more sympathy if you’d posted about the kids’ welfare rather than moaning about the money. Money is obviously not the problem here. (Except for you.)

sofato5miles · 09/10/2018 15:41

She has good reason for choosing to change schools. No-one does that kind of thing without a reason.

Your attitude to her and your husband's children means that we get one side and that only.

If your husband can easily afford it, it is his decision.

This is the kind of thing that makes me want to never divorce as you never know what the next set of spouses will bring to the dynamic.

Leeds2 · 09/10/2018 15:43

This all seems very odd. And I would query what an extra £10 000 per year per child was getting, given the new school isn't a boarding school.

If I were your DH, I would tell her that I would continue to pay what I had previously paid, and that any extra has to be funded by her. I would also ring the new school and tell them that I didn't consent, and was not to be relied upon for fees, as I would be suspicious that his Ex might forge his signature. I would also email the school following that conversation, confirming what had been said.

Bekabeech · 09/10/2018 15:48

If it is UK, then she will be entitled to an amount based on your H's salary. Depending on the wording of any financial settlement there may be an percentage of school fees. But your DH has a right to state he doesn't give his consent to them being moved (but expulsion might be in the mix). The school will probably not be able to get the fees from him, but this is probably covered by the financial agreement.
Your H can take it to court to prevent them being moved schools, but at 17 ish the child's view will probably be the major factor.

But its not really your business - he needs to decide what he will do. Refusing to pay the fees won't probably aid his relationship with them.

sue51 · 09/10/2018 15:50

How was the report from the children's last school? Was there any indication DSS was on a warning?