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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH’s children changing schools, extra school fees

166 replies

Vanessatiger · 09/10/2018 13:54

DH’s ex informed us (not asking) that his two sons will be changing schools to closer to their house (they moved 20min from current school). They will be starting next term, all paperwork is done apparently.

It is £10,000 extra per child plus school uniforms, extra curricular activities etc

Not that we can’t afford it, but they chose to move, there’s nothing wrong with current school (also fee- paying), but the other one is more expensive and “posher”.
The children are teens so can easily take the bus to school.

We are just annoyed that she makes unilateral decisions and just presents the bill - “ here you go, pay upfront for the next term”. Fyi, on top of the school fees, we also pay £1500 per child per month. Plus a generous clean cut asset division. Plus any holiday they should have.

We can afford it so not bemoaning it but it seems they have no respect for us, no discussion, nothing. Apparently if we don’t pay, we aren’t thinking of what’s best for them.

So should we dispute the extra £20,000 or just suck it up and pay?

OP posts:
Bananasinpyjamas11 · 09/10/2018 15:51

Whether she has a husband or not, she’s bringing up your husbands children on her own.
Whatever you feel over the Ex being tricky with access, your husband decided to move away again and not be in the UK.
Whatever you feel about the woman, they ARE dependent on her, completely! And they will love her. She is their world. It doesn’t do them any good to undermine that with assertions that she mollycoddled too much.

I know how much bitterness can be built up, but don’t fuel more of it.

Bottom line - is this decision beneficial for the kids?
If your husband has devolved being able to really know, by not being involved in their education, then he has to trust her judgement unless he has valid concerns.

I do think the most important thing you can do as his wife is to not whip him into more anger over this. If he wants to query this? Fine. If he wants to let it go? Also fine.

If you are going to put your energy somewhere, put it into encouraging him to build better ties with his kids from afar.

Hissy · 09/10/2018 15:53

The OP is coming here for advice, she has a right to ask and tbh, the advise IS on behalf of the man she is married to, and the person she has joint financial dealings with.

to tell the OP YOU are not paying the school is being pedantic to the point of rudeness. The OP household is supposedly paying the bill for this woman's decisions, of course the OP has a right to an opinion and a right to see what others think about the predicament her household faces.

OP, Do you (by this I mean you/DH) pay the existing school direct? then that's the agreement, if she is not sending the kids there and chose to send them elsewhere, she either does it by the book, or she funds it.

If there is no new invoice, then let it go to dots...

If the new school expects money from your H, doubtless she will have given his details to the school for permission and agreement of fees. As it stands the new school has absolutely no agreement with your H that he will pay them. so don't.

If she has forged his signature or lied, then that is her mess to work out.

the MAXIMUM your H should do is transfer the money to the ex for the agreed fees (current school at current and agreed rates) and leave her to it.

Being an absent father doesn't equal being nothing more than a walking wallet! He has a right to be ASKED not just have stuff landed on him!

CarolDanvers · 09/10/2018 16:06

Oh just pay it without moaning if you can afford it. Clearly that's ALL he does for his kids. If the 17 year old has autism and behavioural issues and no father in his life then she's got a lot on her plate and it's the least the other parent should do.

Mummyundecided · 09/10/2018 16:07

Actually it depends what the financial arrangement is. Does it specify the level of fees, or if the costs are shared, for example? It’s one thing for the DH to refuse to pay something he’s not obligated to, another if he’s legally bound to pay.
The fact that DH is paying is based on his finances, not the OP’s. The court will not consider new partner’s incomes when making financial arrangements. The fact that the OP says they can afford to pay the £10k extra fees suggests that finances are not strained.
Talk about first world problems.
Poor kids.

CarolDanvers · 09/10/2018 16:07

Oh and you seem to know an awful lot about the ins and outs of her life with her kids considering you don't even live in the same country.

Onemansoapopera · 09/10/2018 16:11

Well you can afford it...so pay it.

If your DH doesn't even see his children the least he can do is pay his way for their upbringing and seeing as you're both minted it shouldn't be a problem.

I mean, your at pains to say repeatedly how much you can afford it, whilst slagging off the kids and the mum (textbook) so don't really see the issue unless you want the kids to have less and you to have more, could it be that straightforward....are you just a greedy second wife then?

Onemansoapopera · 09/10/2018 16:14

Hissy the thing an absent father can be is a 'walking wallet' as you call it...by his own doing - because you know, you still have to pay for the children you give life to, even if you decide to fuck off and not lay eyes on them.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 09/10/2018 16:17

The Ex doesn't sound like an easy person to co-parent with, but your DH's decision to absent himself from his DC's lives was his decision - so she has to make the decisions on their behalf.

I'm with PP's that something's happened with the 17-year-old (expulsion or a strong suggestion that he moves to a different school) as it's a bizarre time to move a child. Re. Immaturity, etc. Well, your DH isn't there to co-parent, so you can't really complain if she doesn't do things the way he would. At this point, he really is just a cheque book in their lives. Harsh, but true, I'm afraid.

Your DH can definitely refuse to consent to the move. He should call both their current and (possible) future schools to find out what's going on befoe agreeing to anything.

Tbh, this might be a good wake-up call for your DH - he needs to be more involved in their lives. Once the eldest turns 18, he won't have to fight his ex for access, so why doesn't he start planning a move closer to them. They may really need him.

lunar1 · 09/10/2018 16:25

17&14 are both very odd ages to move school, there must be a reason. There is also going to be the fees for moving mid term to take into account. At most private schools it's a full terms notice so there will be fees up till Easter.

If he can afford it and he has no other input into their lives he should just pay. Unless he wants to get involved in why they are moving and actually go find out what's happening in their lives.

I'm guessing he doesn't want to bother getting involved so money is probably his easiest option.

AngelsSins · 09/10/2018 16:41

How can you possibly sit there and judge her parenting when your husband is such a pathetic excuse for a father? Would you walk away from your own kids like he’s done?

She was wrong to change the school without speaking to him, but I don’t blame her for changing their names or not discussing other things with him, what’s the point when he hardly even sees them, let alone parent them?

CarolDanvers · 09/10/2018 16:56

Being an absent father doesn't equal being nothing more than a walking wallet! He has a right to be ASKED not just have stuff landed on him!

Seriously?! Absent fathers deserve no consideration. I am really surprised to read the above, here on MN.

Mandarine · 09/10/2018 17:09

This doesn’t really make sense because you surely have to pay a full terms notice for both DC anyway - so your DH would be paying two terms extra fees, as well as the extra 10k each on top?

Does your DH actually talk to his kids ever? Does he have any sense of what they want? Were they happy at the previous school? Bullied? Struggling academically? In trouble? Suspended? Expelled? Any sense at all?

Surely this is the info you need? Or ring the school at least, rather than asking unknown people on MN Confused

swingofthings · 09/10/2018 17:10

Of course your OH should be annoyed and you by proxy but ultimately she is telling him indirectly that my moving country and opting out of their lives he chose to just be informed of her decisions rather thelan be party to them.

She is also probably not explaining her real reasons because she thinks he/you will argue then and again she'll see it that he lost his right to decision when he probably doesn't know much about their every day lives. Maybe he has compensated by paying all that was asked so this is no different. It sounds like he doesn't mind, maybe it makes him feel better that he is at least contributing that way.

seeyouhen · 09/10/2018 17:32

RomanyRoots

Thankfully your attitude only seems to exist on Mumsnet, meanwhile in the real world...of course it's to do with OP. If my DHs ex suddenly wanted an extra £20,000 for their kids, without discussion, damn right I would have a say in it.

user1499173618 · 09/10/2018 17:34

It is very odd indeed that the school would enrol two children without parental consent from both parents...

seeyouhen · 09/10/2018 17:38

Well you can afford it...so pay it

FFS seriously? That's not the way it works you know. You can't just demand 20,000 from an ex just because you share kids.

seeyouhen · 09/10/2018 17:41

OP have you even got any proof that the kids attend private school? Maybe she's pocketing the school fees for herself, she sounds the type.

RomanyRoots · 09/10/2018 17:47

seeyouhen

we'll have to beg to differ on that one then.
As the father has distanced himself away from his children, doesn't see them and has no interest in them, what has their life got to do with OP?
if OP dh is asking her for money for his kids that's different, but it's his responsibility to at least pay for the kids he's not bothered about.

honeylulu · 09/10/2018 17:50

I seem to recall that this OP is a particularly high earner (much higher than husband?)

So perhaps it's the case that the additional 20k would actually be funded by the OP rather than the father. OP can you confirm?

redwineandcrisps · 09/10/2018 17:56

Honestly? I’m probably in similar situation to your DH ex. His dad lives abroad and has very little input apart from money. He pays school fees but as he knows very little about his son, I make all decisions regarding his schooling / life. I tried to involve him once upon a time and he literally said it was down to me as he didn’t have a clue. I sound mercenary, but I will take every single penny off him I can (he can afford it!) for DS, because Ds has nothing else off him. I genuinely would rather he was state educated and saw his dad regularly, but given that’s an option his dad has opted out of, then I will take his money instead!

If you can afford it (and £20k to some is more like £200 to others) then pay it, and suck it up. That’s kinda the deal your DH signed up for when he moved away and out his kids lives.

bridgetreilly · 09/10/2018 18:10

Obviously she is being unreasonable not to have discussed it, but tbh, I think since he can afford it, he should just pay it. Though if he also wanted to make it clear to her than in future he expects to be consulted about the decisions he is paying for, that seems fair.

sofato5miles · 09/10/2018 18:12

OP doesn't work.

seeyouhen · 09/10/2018 18:13

but it's his responsibility to at least pay for the kids he's not bothered about

He's already paying the existing school fees and £3,000 per month maintenance for the kids.

Original poster
Vanessatiger · 09/10/2018 19:29

He sees them once a year. He calls them fortnightly but they don’t always pick up the phone. Because of hours differences it’s hard being in touch when the teenage boys hardly bother to call back or answer.
The mother wanted him to see them as little as possible. DH would fly the 20hrs back to the UK for the weekend having forewarned them and asked to ses them only to be told that they are busy and won’t be available on that same day, or he was kept waiting for half a day whilst they were inside the house. That was a few years back.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vanessatiger · 09/10/2018 19:30

It’s nothing but vindictive
I’m not defending my DH as I think should’ve been more involved, but the mother played a huge role in severing their relationship..

OP posts:
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