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Original poster

DH’s children changing schools, extra school fees

166 replies

Vanessatiger · 09/10/2018 13:54

DH’s ex informed us (not asking) that his two sons will be changing schools to closer to their house (they moved 20min from current school). They will be starting next term, all paperwork is done apparently.

It is £10,000 extra per child plus school uniforms, extra curricular activities etc

Not that we can’t afford it, but they chose to move, there’s nothing wrong with current school (also fee- paying), but the other one is more expensive and “posher”.
The children are teens so can easily take the bus to school.

We are just annoyed that she makes unilateral decisions and just presents the bill - “ here you go, pay upfront for the next term”. Fyi, on top of the school fees, we also pay £1500 per child per month. Plus a generous clean cut asset division. Plus any holiday they should have.

We can afford it so not bemoaning it but it seems they have no respect for us, no discussion, nothing. Apparently if we don’t pay, we aren’t thinking of what’s best for them.

So should we dispute the extra £20,000 or just suck it up and pay?

OP posts:
Original poster
Vanessatiger · 09/10/2018 19:32

He sends them messages to WhatsApp almost daily on updates and funny things but they hardly bother writing back.

OP posts:
Onemansoapopera · 09/10/2018 19:34

Its because they don't know him OP.

Original poster
Vanessatiger · 09/10/2018 19:39

It doesn’t seem the older one likes his mother though. At least what he tells us on holiday. He thinks she’s overly controlling (reads his messages on his phone, opens his letters/posts). We had sent some photos we had together during one holiday, apparently she had opened it and threw the photos away. Nothing but being spiteful.. she also told them not to have their half sister’s (our DD) photos in their bedrooms. They told us all this durinf holiday. She actually wrote to us when our DC was born that, she will never be their family and she isn’t their sister since they won’t grow up together. She wrote out of the blue when we told the boys that their sister was born.

OP posts:
MondayImInLove · 09/10/2018 19:41

Your DP should tell her that you'll pay what you have been so far and she pays the difference. If she wants to make decisions like that on her own then she deals with the rest of it

This

Mummyundecided · 09/10/2018 19:46

OP what does the court order/financial arrangement say re payment for education?

cheaperthebetter · 09/10/2018 19:50

Well don't be surprised when the 17 yr old turns 18 and asks to come live you, in what you have posted I strongly believe that may well happen as their mother sounds nuts!Confused

Dollymixture22 · 09/10/2018 19:55

So the boys dad lives in Australia and they are in th uk. That must be really difficult for the boys. Especially only seeing their dad once a year -WhatsApp messages and phone calls aren’t parenting.

Your husband needs to step up and be their dad. Find out what is going on, contact the boys, contact the school. If the older boy is so unhappy maybe he could relocate and live with you? He is too old now to be constrained by custody agreements. Maybe your husband could teach him the life skills he is lacking.

If ou can afford it and if it is what the boys need them your husband should pay his share. But he needs to take an active role in this. And you need to stop sneering from the sidelines

Mummyundecided · 09/10/2018 20:03

cheaperthebetter poor kids, caught between a rock and a hard place. If all the OP says is true about the mum, and given their minimal relationship with their dad, the eldest is more likely to not want to live with either parent!

Original poster
Vanessatiger · 09/10/2018 20:04

It’s much more complicated than this. The boys lacks empathy. During holidays he wasn’t nice to his much younger half siblings, to the point we had to guard his so he won’t harm them. Imagine a 17 yr old would harm a 3 and a 1 yr old.. we watched him closely. Too much stress to have him around. His mother had hogged him all this time until age 16 when she tried to pawn him off to us. At that point we have small children and can’t have him living with us. DH as a high flying executive simply wouldn’t deal with his malicious behaviour. The son is a manipulator as well, so what he said about the mother we cannot be entirely sure but the younger one who’s NT backs up his claims that the mother is unhinged.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vanessatiger · 09/10/2018 20:06

What I mean is DH travels a lot so he wouldn’t be at home to deal with him so it would be down to me to parent a 16 yr old that is taller and stronger than me who isn’t NT and who’d try to find ways to be mean and harmful to younger siblings.

OP posts:
PerverseConverse · 09/10/2018 20:08

I'd love to hear the other side of this.

Mummyundecided · 09/10/2018 20:12

Still interested to know what the the financial arrangement/court order says OP? Is DH solely responsible for school fees?

Ghanagirl · 09/10/2018 20:15

@Vanessatiger
Your DH’s boys sound hard work but how involved is he?
Are from similar backgrounds etc, as you’ve said husband can afford extra school fees are you also working and understably loathe to contribute when you have your own DC’s?
Sounds really messy and not great for any of the children

Onemansoapopera · 09/10/2018 20:20

Those poor boys.

DiseasesOfTheSheep · 09/10/2018 20:22

His mother had hogged him all this time until age 16 when she tried to pawn him off to us

What a bizarre and - to be honest - deeply unpleasant thing to say about a child. The way you talk about them is disturbing. I feel rather sorry for the children stuck in the middle of all this.

PerfectPenquins · 09/10/2018 20:25

Honestly, your husband has had no input into the children's upbringing and it doesn't sound like changes would have been made to do so. Would he have changed job and taken a pay cut to have his kids full time? How can either of you complain about the way his ex has raised the kids and one has special needs but you say is too dangerous to have round your kids yet the ex has been there as a consistent parent. Your husband has not.

Onemansoapopera · 09/10/2018 20:29

You could always be completely honest and just say you wish they didn't exist.

YetAnotherThing · 09/10/2018 20:32

This is so sad. Based on what you’ve said I agree your DH should check with current school directly and ensure all is ok etc. If it’s genuinely in children’s interests (which you have very little choice but to believe, assuming no mother would move her child at this stage if wasn’t critical) then pay up. There must be more than the 15 minutes in bed story, cos that’s barmy.

cantkeepawayforever · 09/10/2018 20:43
  • What did the children's last school reports say? Are they on track to get decent qualifications?
  • When our DH last spoke to their previous school - which I presume he does regularly - how did they report progress? Were there any issues?
  • In the UK, 14 and 17 are VERY odd ages to move school, so what lies behind it? Have they been asked to leave? Which school years will they re-enter? Are they moving down into lower years to re-start qualifications with a better chance of success?

However, it is NOT for you to find this out. Your DH has to, and has to do it direct with the schools involved. If he doesn't want to do even that amount of parenting, then by all means let him pay the 'conscience money' for them.

Dollymixture22 · 09/10/2018 20:59

If what you are saying about the older boy is true, surely your husband has sought help for him? Up if you genuinely beleive this boy would hurt tiny children then he should be receiving psychiatric help. Has your husband made his ex wife aware of this? He could have a undiagnosed illness such as schizophrenia. The school should be aware that those closest to him consider him to be dangerous.

Does this boy know his mum asked his dad to take him and his dad said no? It doesn’t quite fit with the original picture of a dad desperate to be in the boys lives but shut out by the boys mother.

tillytrotter1 · 09/10/2018 21:04

Tell her That's fine, hope you can find the extra money otherwise they'll be down at the local comp, very unposh.
Whether or not you can afford it is irrelevant, she's made the unilateral decision, she bears the cost, in a fair world at least.

timeisnotaline · 09/10/2018 21:06

There are simple things a fairly absent parent could do - like be in contact with the school where he is paying fees , see results etc, turn up once a year for a chat. Given you haven’t responded on the could it be a question of being expelled, he doesn’t seem to have those communications. High flying execs need to parent too, it sounds like he has chosen work over being there for his children.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 09/10/2018 21:10

The older boy, did you say he’s autistic? If he lacks empathy, is this more you and DH not understanding how this affects him? And if so, it’s no wonder he is dependent on his mum surely? He’s needed specialist attention if he was diagnosed, and appropriate He may never become fully independent if that is the case and may need help beyond 18 financially. Your DH needs to at least know about where he’s at.

Itsnotmesothere · 09/10/2018 21:18

Your husband as a high flying executive wouldn't be able to deal with his son? Hmm
Well, he would have to take the time wouldn't he? It wouldn't be acceptable for your husband to leave you to it but it's a piss poor excuse for his not living with you.

Zebra31 · 09/10/2018 21:22

Its much more complicated than this. The boys lacks empathy. During holidays he wasn’t nice to his much younger half siblings, to the point we had to guard his so he won’t harm them. Imagine a 17 yr old would harm a 3 and a 1 yr old.. we watched him closely. Too much stress to have him around. His mother had hogged him all this time until age 16 when she tried to pawn him off to us. At that point we have small children and can’t have him living with us. DH as a high flying executive simply wouldn’t deal with his malicious behaviour. The son is a manipulator as well, so what he said about the mother we cannot be entirely sure but the younger one who’s NT backs up his claims that the mother is unhinged

I was neutral on this right up until I read this. I am sorry but you sound extremely bitter and possibly a toxic influence on (if you are to be believed) an already disfunctional relationship between your DH, his sons and his ex DW. If the bitterness (almost venermous) tone in your posts is a reflection of what these children have grown up with I am not surprised these boys are outing out. I really feel sorry for those boys. What an awful situation to be stuck in.

I would love to hear the ex DW side.