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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH’s children changing schools, extra school fees

166 replies

Vanessatiger · 09/10/2018 13:54

DH’s ex informed us (not asking) that his two sons will be changing schools to closer to their house (they moved 20min from current school). They will be starting next term, all paperwork is done apparently.

It is £10,000 extra per child plus school uniforms, extra curricular activities etc

Not that we can’t afford it, but they chose to move, there’s nothing wrong with current school (also fee- paying), but the other one is more expensive and “posher”.
The children are teens so can easily take the bus to school.

We are just annoyed that she makes unilateral decisions and just presents the bill - “ here you go, pay upfront for the next term”. Fyi, on top of the school fees, we also pay £1500 per child per month. Plus a generous clean cut asset division. Plus any holiday they should have.

We can afford it so not bemoaning it but it seems they have no respect for us, no discussion, nothing. Apparently if we don’t pay, we aren’t thinking of what’s best for them.

So should we dispute the extra £20,000 or just suck it up and pay?

OP posts:
Itsnotmesothere · 09/10/2018 21:22

I also hate that you've said it's too much stress to have him around
He's your husband's child. You married a father. Surely you would expect that your husband loves your children unconditionally.

CatchIt · 09/10/2018 21:24

@RomanyRoots
"As the father has distanced himself away from his children, doesn't see them and has no interest in them, what has their life got to do with OP?"

Just curious, you know this how? I'll bet you don't anymore than you know the kids mother is some money grabbing bitch.

Some of the assumptions on this thread are quite astonishing.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 09/10/2018 21:30

At that point we have small children and can’t have him living with us. DH as a high flying executive simply wouldn’t deal with his malicious behaviour

Oh right. High flying executives are excused parental responsibilities?

Why can’t you have an additional child staying with you. Too much like hard work?

BoneyBackJefferson · 09/10/2018 21:36

Sounds like parental alienation to me.

CarolDanvers · 09/10/2018 21:36

in what you have posted I strongly believe that may well happen as their mother sounds nuts!

It's possible I suppose but the OP sounds like she's giving her a run for her money. Poor kids.

LIZS · 09/10/2018 21:38

Presumably you have checked the figures as agree that is a jump from be school to another locally. Think you need to acknowledge that your dh has been a pretty disinterested father and he may be perceived as investing financially rather than emotionally.

Ellisandra · 09/10/2018 21:55

Your husband is an absolute fucking disgrace.
Sees his kids once a year?
Shame on him.

Dollymixture22 · 09/10/2018 22:00

Ok I have read through some of your other posts. Your marriage is in trouble, you dislike your mother in law and don’t have much time for the boys.

Your husdand favorpurs his ypteo younger children over the older boys. Even to the point of leaving them less in his will.

You don’t work and therefore the money you don’t want to spend on the boys is earned by their dad.

You were annoyed last year when your hussbamd visited his hpdyong mother and the boys becoase you couldn’t go on holiday with your friend.

Your husband only sees the boys once a year, and he doesn’t always make that.

I think you And your husband are well suited. Poor boys

RainbowsArePretty · 09/10/2018 22:01

oP have you posted before? The situation with not trusting the SC with your Dc sounds familiar. As does your DHs mental health.

What does your DH want?

AllThreeWays · 09/10/2018 22:08

I'm Australian. You cannot change surmanes here unless you can prove the other parent is completely disconnected, doesn't have PR and was not contactable. Just the same as most places I suspect.

AllThreeWays · 09/10/2018 22:10

^surnames

Mandarine · 09/10/2018 22:38

OP you have consistently avoided the most obvious questions in this thread - eg. Is your DH going to ring the school? Has he attempted to speak to the boys about what’s going on? Does he think anything at all? Confused

You clearly resent these boys very deeply and this is extremely depressing to read.

Are you 100% sure that the elder boy of 17 was at genuine risk of hurting your small DC? Either of two things are going on here - perhaps your resentment has turned to paranoia? Or, if what you say is actually true, then it would hardly be a shocker that his school has probably asked him to, “explore other options” is it?

So I will ask again, what do you imagine could have happened to trigger this school move at this time? Any thoughts on that at all? Is your DH even going to bother to try and find out?

When was this holiday? Could it be that the DS’ behaviour has deteriorated since his return from staying with you and this father and siblings who are effectively strangers?

To be honest, the whole thing sounds like a can of worms and Im very sorry to say that you all sound as difficult and odd as each other.

Itsnotmesothere · 09/10/2018 23:02

I've read your previous posts, OP and I'm starting to feel sorry for you. I'm wondering if your expectations of what makes a good parent are low because (if your posts are truthful) you had a bad childhood.
You say your husband is controlling, has disregarded your unhappiness in the country you live in, is misogynistic and has stipulated in his will that his elder children will get less than your children. That is terrible parent.
Has it occurred to you yet why the ex left him and wants her children to have little to do with him?

sue51 · 09/10/2018 23:10

Ive just read your previous posts too. Paying a few thousand more in school fees is the least of your problems.

Original poster
Vanessatiger · 10/10/2018 02:21

Wow, MN is quite toxic. I don’t have to post updated answers to satuafy your curiosity. Nobody is actually giving me real advice here, you’re merely curious about my life and then throw a lot of assumptions.

Then apparently Im being toxic because I wouldn’t parent a 16 yr old I haven’t parented before when you have little kids at home.
My husband wouldn’t take a lower paid job duh.. or whatever to put his son first. That’s not him. So it means I’ll have to do it and he has a history of violence. No paranoia unfortunately as he has tried to hurt my 3 year old, he did a lot to length to hurt her feelings then would ask her to do things that’d harm her, like “let’s see if you can jump from the balcony” kind of things.. truly stressful to have him around. You may say poor boy, but we’re affected too

OP posts:
Original poster
Vanessatiger · 10/10/2018 02:24

Oh and calling me names when I didn’t deserve it!
What’s the point of posting here when all you get is people jumping on you and make assumptions.

There are fathers that pay nothing and hardly see their kids. Once year from a great distance is okay when you consider you need to fight to get that once a year. But nobody is saying the mother is a bad mother, all you do is jumping on me and my husband. When the core of the issue isn’t that but if you read the title it’s the fee paying!

OP posts:
Original poster
Vanessatiger · 10/10/2018 02:26

I’m going to take myself off MN. It’s turned into a clown show. You just chastity me because I’m a stepmother. The boy isn’t my responsibility actually. He’s violent and mean and I do not need to parent him! Why should the mum pawn him off once he doesn’t fit into her life anymore when all these years she wouldn’t let DH see them unless with a fight.

With that I’m out! Bye toxic MN!

OP posts:
TeddybearBaby · 10/10/2018 02:57

This was a sad read 😢. If I ever look over at the private school / anything expensive with envy again I’ll remind myself of this thread. Poor kids.

Just pay the money is my advice by the way!

HappenedForAReisling · 10/10/2018 03:21

You can move schools without permission from both parents as the school only needs one parent to register them

In the private education system this is correct.

We sent DD back to the UK to a boarding school. I did everything myself and DH was not included at all (apart from paying the bill). It was a decision made between DH, DD and myself bu tI did not need his input/permission/signature at all. The school knew he existed but required nothing from him.

Faithless12 · 10/10/2018 03:29

@Vanessatiger you aren’t his parent but you are his step parent. For all you know your DSS and his mother had an argument and he said he wanted to live with his dad so she tried to facilitate that.
He may be trying to harm you DC as he resents them. Is there anyway you can include the boys in your life more? I don’t think once a year is enough, just because there are worse dads out there doesn’t mean your DH is doing enough. He shouldn’t be looking to say there are worse out there but am I doing enough for my children. I have a friend who has done a similar flight at least twice in the last two months to visit his children.

Original poster
Vanessatiger · 10/10/2018 03:36

In Australia, you can change your last name and go to court claiming the other parent is uninvolved and untraceable, that’s what she did that bitch. Maybe you should be more familiar with the law, and remember bitter vindictive people go to great length to lie to get what they want.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vanessatiger · 10/10/2018 03:36

I’m going to de-register myself now! Bye

OP posts:
Oswin · 10/10/2018 03:38

No not your responsibility but your husbands. He is a shitty father.
And don't pretend like he's a nice man, I remember what you have said about him.
He should have parented his children. Now he should just pay over.

Don't try and pretend he is a father. He is fucking over his children even when he dies. He has been fine fucking off and leaving the parenting of two children to her
, even with one of them having autism he didn't think he should change his lifestyle to help his child.

So yeah he should pay up without a murmer, you married a bad parent this is the price you pay.

flumpybear · 10/10/2018 04:01

I feel for those children they're suffering. Has anyone asked what they want/need?

flumpybear · 10/10/2018 04:02

I feel for those children they're suffering. Has anyone asked what they want/need?