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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH’s children changing schools, extra school fees

166 replies

Vanessatiger · 09/10/2018 13:54

DH’s ex informed us (not asking) that his two sons will be changing schools to closer to their house (they moved 20min from current school). They will be starting next term, all paperwork is done apparently.

It is £10,000 extra per child plus school uniforms, extra curricular activities etc

Not that we can’t afford it, but they chose to move, there’s nothing wrong with current school (also fee- paying), but the other one is more expensive and “posher”.
The children are teens so can easily take the bus to school.

We are just annoyed that she makes unilateral decisions and just presents the bill - “ here you go, pay upfront for the next term”. Fyi, on top of the school fees, we also pay £1500 per child per month. Plus a generous clean cut asset division. Plus any holiday they should have.

We can afford it so not bemoaning it but it seems they have no respect for us, no discussion, nothing. Apparently if we don’t pay, we aren’t thinking of what’s best for them.

So should we dispute the extra £20,000 or just suck it up and pay?

OP posts:
Aprilislonggone · 09/10/2018 14:17

A house each for 18th courtesy of df??
Honestly put a stop to this shit now.

Original poster
Vanessatiger · 09/10/2018 14:18

She did that so DH couldn’t take them abroad as an extra security.

OP posts:
sue51 · 09/10/2018 14:21

Is the ex transferring them to boarding school. That seems a hell of a hike for a day school.

Original poster
Vanessatiger · 09/10/2018 14:23

Day school

OP posts:
RomanyRoots · 09/10/2018 14:23

Ok, first of all there is no we.
Why would 'we" visit the school, his kids are nothing to do with you, at all.
It is for your dh to sort out and if he is happy to pay it then that's fine.
If he isn't then it's up to HIM to sort out.
I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but stop involving yourself in something that doesn't concern you.
He needs to sort this out and tell her no, if he doesn't agree.

PinkHeart5914 · 09/10/2018 14:24

Well unless she’s paying the extra I’m afaird it would be met with a no from me!

Who does she think she is deciding this with no discussion then telling your dh he is paying! Checky bitch, you need her like a hole in the head by the sounds of it

Missingstreetlife · 09/10/2018 14:27

He needs to have a chat with his kids and impress upon her that he has pr. he will need to take more interest though.

Mandarine · 09/10/2018 14:27

OP, you must surely have had some conversation with the ex about why and how she is moving a 17 year-old in the middle of his A-levels. Plus, the younger one will be doing a particular GCSE syllabus now - certain options / exam boards etc. This sounds madness. That’s must be an extreme reason why she’s moving them, surely? The older one will only be there for a year or so - what’s the point?

diddl · 09/10/2018 14:28

"We live abroad, they live in the Uk"

How did that happen?

Is your husband in his kids lives at all?

Mandarine · 09/10/2018 14:31

Why is your DH not more involved? Are you sure one of the DS’ hasn’t been expelled or is leaving for a particular reason? He should ring the school at least. What is going on?

Witchend · 09/10/2018 14:31

The 17 year old has unfortunately no life skills. The 14 year old isn’t far off. They don’t know how to buy a train ticket, make doctor’s appointments etc.. nor cooking a simple meal.

Isn't it good that their dad can teach them such things as well as their mum? How wonderful that he's aware they're not learning so can help them learn these life skills and not leaving it all to mum.

Btw I'd never bought a train ticket or made a doctor's appointment at 17yo. I'd only twice been on a train. At 18yo I got on and did it without any fuss.

mastertomsmum · 09/10/2018 14:31

17 is an odd time to move, 14 might be usual move time for Prep to Public school

17 'yes' to train ticket purchasing, 14 only just old enough to consider the possibility

I'd be thinking, as we are talking private schooling, that one of them, has been encouraged to move on.

ShizeItsWeegie · 09/10/2018 14:32

Just keep paying what you have always paid.

Micke · 09/10/2018 14:33

Hang on - so she knew about this a couple of months ago but only told you now? - I've never seen a fee-paying school that doesn't require at least a term's notice to remove a child (or fees in lieu, obviously)

sue51 · 09/10/2018 14:35

Can your DH get over to UK and sort this out? It sounds like the older has been kicked out of his old school and the mother is just throwing money at the problem rather than getting to the cause.

Salmakia · 09/10/2018 14:35

"We live abroad they live in UK" is a massive drip feed! If you want to have more say in the parenting of your step children maybe actually do some of the parenting? I was ignoring all the we can afford it but why should we because to be honest when people are that blasé about so much money I know they're not in the same world as most people but when I got to that I realised you were being plain daft.

BakedBeans47 · 09/10/2018 14:36

What’s the worst that would happen if you just said no? The kids are hardly in a failing school in a sink estate, the perceived benefits to them must be marginal.

DontCallMeCharlotte · 09/10/2018 14:38

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but stop involving yourself in something that doesn't concern you.

If an extra £20,000 (per year?) was coming out of our finances, you can bloody bet it would concern me!

(OP you your DH should be investigating the prospectus. That seems incredibly expensive. Is she sending them to Eton??)

Dollymixture22 · 09/10/2018 14:39

This doesn’t make much sense.

The 17 year old is either in his penultimate or last year at school. The first term has already started -are they joining the new school after Christmas?

Can the ex afford to do this without your husbands contribution?

Is 5is just a financial issue for your husband - if his son is struggling in school why isn’t her more involved? If he children have limited life skills what has your husband done to help.

Maybe their mother is feed up with his hands off approach?

And others have said, you don’t get equal say - you aren’t a parent.

IWishIHadEvenMorePlasticTat · 09/10/2018 14:39

She can’t make unilateral financial decisions for your DH like that. Irrespective of the details of the new school. She can’t sign him up for a financial commitment like that without consulting him. Or you, for that matter, since she’s spending your family money.

Cheeky cow. I can just imagine how it would play out the other way round.

RedAndGreenPlaid · 09/10/2018 14:40

Well, technically she cannot enforce it- she must have signed the agreement for payment of fees with the school, therefore as far as school is concerned, she alone is liable.
Schools insist on all parties responsible for payment signing the agreement.
Presumably he signed the agreement with the last school.

MimiSunshine · 09/10/2018 14:43

It’s surely not An extra £40k in total if you’re expected to pay £10k per child.
Oh and to a PP of course it’s both the OP and her DH, they’re married and presumably share finances.
Would you be happy to have no say in £20k or the equivalent in your family terms spent without your input?

No way would I pay the difference. The mums decision so the mums extra cost and tough luck to her, she can choose to keep them at their current school if she can’t afford it, it’s hardly taking food out of their mouths, they won’t suffer

OVienna · 09/10/2018 14:47

Something's not right here.

Has one of them been expelled from the current school perhaps?

OVienna · 09/10/2018 14:49

And yes - ha! - of course it's the OPs business if an extra twenty grand is coming out of the family account.

What worries me here is how little the OP's DH seems to know about what is going on in his kids' lives.

Happy to be corrected. But it's not normal for one of the parents to make a unilateral decision about a school change for children like this and the main issue be cost.

AlexanderHamilton · 09/10/2018 14:51

The decision to send children to a private school is one that shoudl be made between both parents (estranged or not) and shoudl bear in mind affordability.

Whilst I think it would be completely unreasonable for a child to have to leave their current school due to an absent parent suddenly refusing to pay (and I have known this happen) I think it is completely unreasonable for your dh's ex to expect him to just agree to this change.

Every private school I've ever known requires consent and fee liability from both parents and if your dh feels that this new school is not appropriate then he should be within his rights to refuse.

And if the children are the ages you say they are moving them now would be disastrous to their education.

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