Or is friend a cf

[Penelopeee]

Evening.

I regularly help out other school mums. Have become known as the mum to ask for a favour I suppose. Never really given it too much thought, firm believer that if you can help someone else out in life you should.

For the last 18 months I have looked after my friends daughter who is in my daughters class at school. They are year 3 (7 turning 8). I also have a smaller person who is at home with me all day.

So friends DH drops their DD at mine just before 7am. Usually twice, sometimes 3 times a week as they both work shifts. School starts at 8.50am. School finishes at 3.30 and DD is collected by dad by 5.30pm.

Our daughters are classmates and get along, they do however have their fair share of winding each other up and bitching to each other which all of us parents tend to ignore and stay out of.

Friends DD is turning 8 this weekend and friends have booked her and 5 friends into like an activity centre place. The girl took great delight in telling my DD where parents had booked, who was invited and clarifying that my DD wasn’t invited.

We look after this girl so much. I know the old can’t be invited to everything but my DD makes no fuss about this girl being here, shares all her toys, use of her tablets etc we feed her when she’s here. Shares her mummy’s time etc.

DD is upset. She’s upset she wasn’t invited. She upset that ‘friend’ will continue to get to come to her house so much when in her words “we aren’t good friends obviously”.

AIBU to think that my friend should of maybe done the whole we will be in Inviting XXXX as they do a lot for us???

To be honest I feel really fucking used!! So as not to drip feed, they don’t pay me and have never offered. They’ve never looked after mine. Nor have they offered.

Add a tonne more for toilet rolls!

Ours has a waiting list for breakfast club and after school club. She’s lucky she was able to get a space so quickly!

I'm sure a childminder or a breakfast club would charge at least £1 for the breakfast thecat.

You're forgetting the costs of buying, storing and preparing the food, costs of dishwashing the utensils and plates, washing table cloths, replacing breakages etc. not to mention time to do all these things.

steppemum She provided free childcare for 18 months this post is not about altruism it’s about some inconsiderate parents taking advantage of her and then being cruel to not invite her daughter to her party,sigh. As for what you did well done

what the f@ck was that passive aggressive sigh for? And talk about RTFT, you didn't even read my post.

My point was that CF like this stop the normal kindnesses we would do, because we are wary of CF like this, and wary of asking in case we look like CF. And that women like this CF have a lot to answer for.

There, did I spell it out clearly enough for you now?

I think PP's are correct in guessing that, if CF herself is not a Mumsnetter, at least a few of the other mummies are, and everybody will be on their guard when preliminary circling before moving in to ask favours begins. As the original post says, one other helpful mummy lasted one month, the other, three, and it was supposed to be eight weeks while she went on a course. The original request was reasonable; it was the moving of the goalposts and lack of gratitude that finally did for her.
Most normal, kind-hearted folk are happy to do a good turn, and it's such a shame that we often (I speak from bitter personal experience) become defensive and decline to help others who would appreciate and not exploit.
As to comments about "not coping" - very tempting to think of a witty comeback, but descending to "tit for tat" just makes her CFery less blatantly obvious, so don't feed lines to DD, or discuss it in front of her; instead of spiteful words, fill her little mouth with yummy bacon butties!

You're forgetting the costs of buying, storing and preparing the food, costs of dishwashing the utensils and plates, washing table cloths, replacing breakages etc. not to mention time to do all these things.

Ok, let's say it's an apple. Unless you're charging the apple rent/mortgage, that's a fruit bowl. Looking at the very most expensive apples I could find on Tesco, that was £2.50 for four. 62.5p each for the highest cost option. Not sure what washing up you do for an apple, but let's say it's sliced on a plate, it will cost literal pence at the very most.

Ok, now look at toast. A Tesco Finest loaf, 90p, let's say 15 slices (usually more). 6p a slice. Again, unless you're charging it rent, it goes in the cupboard. I don't think the OP has said that she has bought a bigger house/refurbed the kitchen to accommodate the kid? Or are you saying putting the toaster on costs £££?

I don't want to derail the thread, but this kind of inflation of costs is pretty typical on mumsnet, and reduces things to an unrealistic zero sum game.

That's way off my actual point. Nobody in real life thinks 'well, I give x a lift once a week, and the 1/7 days they use that seat increases the frequency of a valet service by 5% a year'. Most of these things are things that the OP was doing already and thus it would be monumentally difficult to calculate the actual cost.

As I said in my first post on the matter NO I DON'T THINK THE OP SHOULD HAVE BEEN DOING THIS FOR FREE. YES I THINK THIS WAS A MASSIVE FAVOUR! YES THE FRIEND SHOULD BE BLOODY GRATEFFUL AND PAY FOR THE FOOD.

My actual point? It's unconstructive to wind the OP up into pinning down the value of theoretical additional table cloth washing. AIBU CF stories too easily get wound up into heroic morality tales, and at the heart of this is a little girl who goes to school with another little girl who has already shown a tendency to carry on her mum's battles. Therefore I think yes, using what is in my guess an exageration of the actual costs, is unhelpful.

Regarding prices.. breakfast club is £3 for the hour before school. It does not open until 8am however. So IF she finds a childminder to have before for an additional hour (I think most start later) they would likely charge a premium rate for that hour. Breakfast club does include food but most of the local childminders food is extra above the £4 an hour standard rate (for socialable hours).

I should add regarding dinner, CF DD is excessively fussy - think “I only eat Richmond sausages or nuggets, no that chicken is not the same as a nugget”. My kids are food gremlins, they eat anything and everything. So I would buy things that my family didn’t need or want to be able to provide food for her that she would eat.

I’m not hung up on any amount. I haven’t told my DD any amount, why on earth would I? She doesn’t need to be concerned with financial stuff at the age of 7!

I merely estimated what I did just to see how much i actually had saved for them. It won’t be disclosed in RL.

I’m closely monitoring for any bullying or nastiness towards my DD. I will be in that headteachers office quicker than you can say cancel the cheque if it starts!

OP, YABVVVVVVU because you've made me want a bacon buttie but I can't have one because I'm at work.

I think sometimes we all need to step back a bit and examine how our altruism is received, how much of a favour it is and whether we are appreciated.

It's so easy to slip into a pattern of helping someone out a few times to then being relied upon. I used to help a friend out regularly but the one time I was really desperate for help she refused. I needed to have her refusal to help me, at a time of critical need, prompt me into reassessing the friendship and giving me the freedom to refuse to offer my future help.

OP, I could imagine that CF knows you canceled the arrangement because you're upset about your DD not being invited to her daughter's birthday party and she's keeping low (and not stirring any shit about you amongst the other moms) and waiting for a few weeks before asking you to return to your old arrangement. Stay strong!

Penelopeee

Again, not doubting that you have put in way more money than you needed to - £5 would have been too much!

Just pointing out that you suspect the child's mum is reading this thread - it's HER who might escalate the situation.

OP, I'm so so pleased that you have sorted this and completely gobsmacked that your 'friend' not only didn't thank you but then blanked you!! It really is astounding.

I had a very similar experience to your DD at primary school and can still remember the other girl's digs at me and how they made me feel. All those little comments about how her mum isn't coping and how they're invited but she's not etc can really hit hard and deep and be part of a bigger picture of ongoing bullying. I think I would look to preparing your DD with some handy techniques/responses, if you haven't already.

@OP I salute you...

• for your kindness
• for perceptiveness to see the CFs in the end
• your saying, this ends now....with no excuses, no sorrys
• you putying your daughter and yourself first
• you being amazing xx

So pleased for you - I hate reading stories like this because I can't bear people who take the piss out of others, particularly over something so long term and costly to the 'victims' ... I doubt she'll tell the other mums because none of it would make her look good and I think she's well aware of that. You are obviously lovely, continue to be but never at your own expense (physically, emotionally or financially) unless the person is someone who will reciprocate properly in any which way they are able - CFs need to be stopped and we all need to stand up to stop them

I will be in that headteachers office quicker than you can say cancel the cheque if it starts!

OP.. your a legend

I'm off work with a broken ankle and this has been a great occupier of my time.
Well done for standing up to the CF, OP! I hope you have a splendid day with the little one tomorrow, and many more bacon butties in your breakfast future!

RavenLG me too! How did you break yours? I was ice skating ⛸ on a school trip!

Hello Penelopeee
Well done. I'm sure CF is lurking about on here reading some of the replies to you.
The vast majority here are cheering you on, not because we see it as
mere " entertainment", but because we detest good hearted people getting taken for a ride by CFs.
We've all been there at one time or another, with someone trying to take advantage. You've done so well hurray!
All good wishes
p.s My guess is breakfast club also

My comment about this getting in to the press was just so cf could see how people view her behaviour.

Of course if op didn't want it to I wouldn't wish that on her but seeing as every single person on here (and I should imagine in real life) think cf has indeed been a cf it might not bloody hurt her to hear it.

I'm sure she'd explain it away or twist it somehow though.

You also need to start a new thread as this will be full in a couple of minutes!

Annoying mostly full of people telling op to 'cancel the childcare'.

Someone should write a roundup. I'm dying to know if OP cancelled the childcare.

The answer is in the thread!